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Irresponsible?

My friend is 23 and is seeing a guy 20 years her senior which he is in a 4 month relationship with another woman his own age.

She recently got physical with him (her first time with a guy). They did it in a sports hall where he teaches martial arts (he wouldn't take her to his) and didn't use protection and her excuse if she gets pregnant is she will have an abortion.

I find this behaviour disrespectful to the other woman who is involved and my friend seems blinded by his 'charisma', he always has an excuse why he can't actually date her and she falls for it everytime. He even has the cheek to tell her not to contact him during the week and only to speak to him at their martial arts class.

She is boasting now that she can't wait to have sex with him again. Everytime they meet it is always physical and he can't act without initiating sexual acts. She seems very naive about sex and asks what to do (I'm not Brook!).

She knows I disagree with the situation which there are also young children and an 6 month baby involved. But she says she is glad she lost it to him because he is nice and a friend. Do people have sex with their friends?

I know I will end up being the one having to go for support to a clinic or doctor once she ends up making a mistake while he plays happy families and dumps her.

I just want to know am I being unreasonable for being concerned and the fact that I am the mug who hears time again he is being an idiot and then suddenly he is wonderful again. Am i best to ignore her situation and let her get on with it?

Reply 1

bunthulhu

14

You're not being unreasonable at all, quite frankly I don't know what she's playing at. But she seems to have got her blinders stuck on pretty tight and doesn't want to listen to reason so I think all you can do is warn her repeatedly and if she doesn't listen then I don't really know what else you could do. She needs to come to her senses. The only other thing I can think of is when she comes to you and says what an idiot he is you could say 'please don't talk to me about this because I tried to tell you that and you ignored me', which might be a bit of a sharp shock that she needs. Or when she's going on about how wonderful he is say, 'funny, that's not what you said the other day'!

Reply 2

33.33.33

2

no you aren't being unreasonable at all, you are right and i think she probably knows that deep down but she is blinded as you quite rightly said, by his charisma. she won't see past this until something goes wrong unfortunately but that's where you are going to have to be there for her, to pick up the pieces. it's not nice being in this situation but that's what you have to do, particularly as this is the first guy she's slept with, she is most likely besotted with him. good luck!

Reply 3

cinder

10

^ totally agree

The guy sounds like a total arsehole. Good luck when she realises that, you will be the shoulder to cry on and all you can do is be there for her.

Reply 4

Unity

2

Just warn her if she carries on there could be sever consequences, make this clear to her that she has to know what she is actually doing. Any martial arts teacher doing this is a disgrace btw,

Yeh its likely she'll come crying back to you though , just be there for her when the realisation sets in.

Peace.

Reply 5

sarahb

i wouldnt ignore the situation at all, part of the responsiblity of being a friend is to be accountable to one another. although sometimes she may ignore what you say, it doesnt mean she wont value it in weeks to come. i think all you can do is be there for here, keep telling her that what shes doin isnt wise, and although you may feel you fighting a loosing battle, one day she will realise. and at that point, dont turn around and say 'i told you so', but be a friend, comfort her, love her, and simply be there for her. theres not much else you can do realy

Reply 6

Tarts_n_Vicars

13

You're not being unreasonable but in reality there's nothing you can do. Unless she is seriously stupid she knows at least part of what she's doing is wrong, be it the unprotected sex or the fact he disrespects her and is dating someone else. For whatever reason she is choosing to ignore it and there's not a whole lot you can do about it. Just sit tight and be there for her when it all goes pear shaped - and if she is that naive about sex tell her to at least use a condom. Maybe she'll take that on board, a baby isn't the only thing a girl can get from having it away without protection.

Reply 7

randomuser#6

no you're not have fun, be irresponsible.

Reply 8

Poison Ivy

*pushes ranger out the way* Yes be irresponsible when will you get to have fun now is the time :biggrin:

Reply 9

username47781

20

Yes the guy is being irresponsible, he should know better, hes a player anyway, what does this girl see in her i do not know and yet she wants more, she needs her head looking at cuz this is gonna end in tears for her while he is having his cake and eating it.

Reply 10

randomuser#6

Poison Ivy

*pushes ranger out the way* Yes be irresponsible when will you get to have fun now is the time :biggrin:

did you even read it?

Reply 11

Sam Beckett

7

Just a question - how physically or emotionally unattractive is your mate that she can only have sex with a guy nearly twice her age? Surely she can do better.

The whole thing just sounds rough to me...kinda Chavesque you might say. I didn't want to believe it...

It's irresponsible and immature, absolutely.

Reply 12

username47781

20

yeah its disturbing that she has gone off with someone 20 years older than her and now she seems to think shes in love, well shes in for a nasty shock, she needs to stop now before it ruins her life.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

Sam Beckett

Just a question - how physically or emotionally unattractive is your mate that she can only have sex with a guy nearly twice her age? Surely she can do better.

The whole thing just sounds rough to me...kinda Chavesque you might say. I didn't want to believe it...

It's irresponsible and immature, absolutely.

I would personally rather not comment incase she reads it! But I have asked quite a few males in the past and they said they wouldn't touch her with a barge pole and find her very immature for her age emotionally and they say she looks like a man in drag! A similar resemblence to Joss Stone I would say.

She is very fussy and says guys her own age are immature - which I find insulting as she has not met every guy our age to be able to back this viewpoint up. There are some very nice guys out there who are mature.

It does sound Chavvy, mind you the guy has had many failed relationships with 2 kids off 2 different women.

He is abusing his position for being a martial arts instructor I would say, he has had a relationship with an ex pupil who he now has a child with.

Reply 14

Segat1

16

I am very sure the owners of the sports hall would not be happy to know what is going on. It's not a hotel and I imagine if he's being paid to give lessons in martial arts, they'd be very displeased it was being used for sex instead.

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

Segat1

I am very sure the owners of the sports hall would not be happy to know what is going on. It's not a hotel and I imagine if he's being paid to give lessons in martial arts, they'd be very displeased it was being used for sex instead.

I totally agree, I wouldn't call it a sport hall either as its the church hall. Apparantely the curtains and windows were open so I would hate to think young children may have seen. Yes he is the martial arts instructor.

Reply 16

Tarts_n_Vicars

13

He's not abusing his position as her instructor, she's an adult. However agreed that the owners of the halls might not take kindly to him railing some chick while he's supposed to be there teaching.

Reply 17

white_haired_wizard

16

Tarts_n_Vicars

He's not abusing his position as her instructor, she's an adult!

precisely. She, the OP, shouldnt wimp away from attacking her female friend, but attack in as civil a way as humanely possible...maybe her instructor is the only bloke shes met that can do the splits, and thus can make for some interesting positional pleasures :biggrin:

Reply 18

Anonymous #1

OP

Tarts_n_Vicars

He's not abusing his position as her instructor, she's an adult. However agreed that the owners of the halls might not take kindly to him railing some chick while he's supposed to be there teaching.

I agree they are adults which is fair enough, just a few people I know have said it isn't professional which I should have stated instead of saying he is abusing his position. If this was a genuine relationship then I wouldn't have a problem. But he is abusing his position on having sex in a public place which doesn't belong to him.

Reply 19

Bluefairy

11

I fell for a guy 20 years older than me once, he was such a charmer, always made me feel great around him (think he did that to every girl, still...)...he was fun, unpredictable, cute, looking young for his age. He was married with kids, nothing happened,but i thought of him alot, got really emotional, now i tell myself i'm moving on. lol, wel i have.

Irresponsible?

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