Having an affair, don't know what to do.

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Lasershark
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I'm 19, male and have an 18 year old boyfriend. In the last few months, I've been having an 'affair' with a 21 year old guy. I'm in my second year at uni and this guy is in his first year. I've been with my boyfriend since the start of last August. They've never met each other.

I find my boyfriend attractive, but sex with him isn't very good. He doesn't agree with drinking or going out to bars, clubs, etc, which I find fun, and he doesn't let me drink alcohol. He makes me feel guilty when I go out, because he disagrees with it completely. He's very needy and clingy, but he's always there for me when I need him, and we do have fun when we're together. He's always texting/Facebook messaging me throughout the day, which gets annoying, and I have to call him most days. He doesn't know I'm cheating on him.

The 21 year old I met a few months ago, from Grindr, because I was getting bored of my boyfriend and was very close to breaking up with him. He's more physically attractive than my boyfriend, more well-read, and he likes to go to bars and clubs, and drinks. I have a lot of fun with him when going out, and sex with him is amazing. It's nice to be with him and not worry about things like neediness, just having a good time, talking, being in bed with him, drinking with him, etc. He doesn't know I have a boyfriend; he knows my boyfriend as just a 'friend' who I've mentioned a few times. He has hinted a few times about wanting to be my boyfriend, but I'm never sure if he wants to be or not; we never talk about it.

Obviously I know how horrible I'm being, cheating on my boyfriend to such a great extent, but I feel trapped when I'm with him. I can't enjoy some things I like when I'm with him, and he makes me feel guilty for wanting to go out, and for drinking (he knows I go out, but not that I drink). I feel like he's a 'safe choice', just because I don't want to be on my own and that I can see myself with him in the future, but then I think the exact opposite, that I don't want to be with him. The 21 year old makes me feel great; I'm allowed to do what I want and I feel free. Being intimate with him is so much better than intimacy with my boyfriend. I went out to a club with him last night, drinking, and it was a lot of fun, and we had sex when we got back to his place. We spooned in bed until 1:30pm, then we talked and kissed for a couple of hours, and then I went home.

I have no idea what to do and I don't know how much longer I can keep running there two different 'worlds'. Any advice would be appreciated, but please don't take the opportunity to call me a slut, or tell me how horrible I'm being. Thank you.
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Treeroy
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#2
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#2
(Original post by Lasershark)
I'm 19, male and have an 18 year old boyfriend. In the last few months, I've been having an 'affair' with a 21 year old guy. I'm in my second year at uni and this guy is in his first year. I've been with my boyfriend since the start of last August. They've never met each other.

I find my boyfriend attractive, but sex with him isn't very good. He doesn't agree with drinking or going out to bars, clubs, etc, which I find fun, and he doesn't let me drink alcohol. He's very needy and clingy, but he's always there for me when I need him, and we do have fun when we're together. He's always texting/Facebook messaging me throughout the day, which gets annoying, and I have to call him most days.

The 21 year old I met a few months ago, from Grindr, because I was getting bored of my boyfriend and was very close to breaking up with him. He's more physically attractive than my boyfriend, more well-read, and he likes to go to bars and clubs, and drinks. I have a lot of fun with him when going out, and sex with him is amazing. It's nice to be with him and not worry about things like neediness, just having a good time, talking, being in bed with him, drinking with him, etc. He doesn't know I have a boyfriend; he knows my boyfriend as just a 'friend' who I've mentioned a few times. He has hinted a few times about wanting to be my boyfriend, but I'm never sure if he wants to be or not; we never talk about it.

Obviously I know how horrible I'm being, cheating on my boyfriend to such a great extent, but I feel trapped when I'm with him. I can't enjoy some things I like when I'm with him, and he makes me feel guilty for wanting to go out, and for drinking (he knows I go out, but not that I drink). I feel like he's a 'safe choice', just because I don't want to be on my own and that I can see myself with him in the future, but then I think the exact opposite, that I don't want to be with him. The 21 year old makes me feel great; I'm allowed to do what I want and I feel free. Being intimate with him is so much better than intimacy with my boyfriend. I went out to a club with him last night, drinking, and it was a lot of fun, and we had sex when we got back to his place. We spooned in bed until 1:30pm, which I loved, then we talked and kissed for a couple of hours, and then I went home.

I have no idea what to do and I don't know how much longer I can keep running there two different 'worlds'. Any advice would be appreciated, but please don't take the opportunity to call me a slut, or tell me how horrible and being. Thank you.
I don't think you're a slut. I would probably do the same, except I would dump my boyfriend.

Why are you still with him? "I have to call him" - you don't sound like you enjoy being with him. He sounds terribly boring, and a clingy guy is never a good thing. The other guy is nicer, more attractive, more fun.... break up with your boyfriend and get with this guy!
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alow
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Yeah... sounds like you want to be with the new guy more than your boyfriend.
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Lasershark
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(Original post by Treeroy)
I don't think you're a slut. I would probably do the same, except I would dump my boyfriend.

Why are you still with him? "I have to call him" - you don't sound like you enjoy being with him. He sounds terribly boring, and a clingy guy is never a good thing. The other guy is nicer, more attractive, more fun.... break up with your boyfriend and get with this guy!
Thank you. I'm still with him because when we're together, we do have fun, and I know I'd break his heart if I broke up with him. I called him once in the evening a couple of weeks ago, and now he expects me to call him every evening at the same time. If I don't answer his Facebook messages, he'll constantly message me until I answer, saying how lonely he is. He's obsessed with the idea of moving in with me when I graduate; I'm in my second year out of three, but he already has loads of plans about it.

I want to get with the other guy, but I don't know how I'd break up with my boyfriend, or if I'd regret it
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User1214833
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#5
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You feel trapped? You could always end the relationship instead of treating him like utter crap. What did you really expect us to say?
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Treeroy
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(Original post by Lasershark)
Thank you. I'm still with him because when we're together, we do have fun, and I know I'd break his heart if I broke up with him. I called him once in the evening a couple of weeks ago, and now he expects me to call him every evening at the same time. If I don't answer his Facebook messages, he'll constantly message me until I answer, saying how lonely he is. He's obsessed with the idea of moving in with me when I graduate; I'm in my second year out of three, but he already has loads of plans about it.

I want to get with the other guy, but I don't know how I'd break up with my boyfriend, or if I'd regret it
He sounds way too clingy. And yes, you might well break his heart, but unfortunately that's just how relationships work. And would you rather break his heart or your own? Because you don't sound very happy with him, and I'm of the opinion that when it comes to relationships, it should be what you want that matters.
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Scorlibran
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#7
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(Original post by Treeroy)
I tend to think homophobes are generally a waste of space, perhaps it'd be best if you politely piss off.
Well said!
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Daniellejo.
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#8
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Break up with your boyfriend.
Him being needy/ boring is no excuse! If you don't want to be with him, don't be. Don't just treat him like ****, which you are. It's not about whether you'd regret it or not, it's about the fact that you've cheated on him now and he deserves to know; at least respect him that much.
And also tell this guy you're seeing that you were cheating on your bf with him; so he knows what he's getting in to.
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ChickenMadness
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(Original post by Lasershark)
When you're mature enough to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you'll realise things are more complicated than that, and no so clear-cut.

lmao. No it really is that simple. You're a selfish ******* if you can't take into consideration other people's feelings. I have had girlfriends thanks. And I'm always 100% honest about what I want instead of lying and sleeping around while I'm with them.

and ****ing lol @ you thinking you're a wise old man at 19. I'm 19 idiot.
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Treeroy
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(Original post by Daniellejo.)
Break up with your boyfriend.
Him being needy/ boring is no excuse! If you don't want to be with him, don't be. Don't just treat him like ****, which you are. It's not about whether you'd regret it or not, it's about the fact that you've cheated on him now and he deserves to know; at least respect him that much.
And also tell this guy you're seeing that you were cheating on your bf with him; so he knows what he's getting in to.
Yeah. If you like him, you should tell him.
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Obiejess
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#11
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Break up with your bf. You clearly like the guy you're cheating with more and it would be better for all of you imo.

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ChickenMadness
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(Original post by Daniellejo.)
The only one who doesn't sound mature enough to have a partner is you.
this. You're better off cutting both of them off and getting all of that unfaithfulness out of your system by sleeping around before you try to have a relationship.
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Softy31
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OP, stop trying to defend yourself - since when did you become a global expert in relationships? :rolleyes:
As for advice, be honest with your bf and break up with him.
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JoshBedford
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Lasershark)
I'm 19, male and have an 18 year old boyfriend. In the last few months, I've been having an 'affair' with a 21 year old guy. I'm in my second year at uni and this guy is in his first year. I've been with my boyfriend since the start of last August. They've never met each other.

I find my boyfriend attractive, but sex with him isn't very good. He doesn't agree with drinking or going out to bars, clubs, etc, which I find fun, and he doesn't let me drink alcohol. He makes me feel guilty when I go out, because he disagrees with it completely. He's very needy and clingy, but he's always there for me when I need him, and we do have fun when we're together. He's always texting/Facebook messaging me throughout the day, which gets annoying, and I have to call him most days. He doesn't know I'm cheating on him.

The 21 year old I met a few months ago, from Grindr, because I was getting bored of my boyfriend and was very close to breaking up with him. He's more physically attractive than my boyfriend, more well-read, and he likes to go to bars and clubs, and drinks. I have a lot of fun with him when going out, and sex with him is amazing. It's nice to be with him and not worry about things like neediness, just having a good time, talking, being in bed with him, drinking with him, etc. He doesn't know I have a boyfriend; he knows my boyfriend as just a 'friend' who I've mentioned a few times. He has hinted a few times about wanting to be my boyfriend, but I'm never sure if he wants to be or not; we never talk about it.

Obviously I know how horrible I'm being, cheating on my boyfriend to such a great extent, but I feel trapped when I'm with him. I can't enjoy some things I like when I'm with him, and he makes me feel guilty for wanting to go out, and for drinking (he knows I go out, but not that I drink). I feel like he's a 'safe choice', just because I don't want to be on my own and that I can see myself with him in the future, but then I think the exact opposite, that I don't want to be with him. The 21 year old makes me feel great; I'm allowed to do what I want and I feel free. Being intimate with him is so much better than intimacy with my boyfriend. I went out to a club with him last night, drinking, and it was a lot of fun, and we had sex when we got back to his place. We spooned in bed until 1:30pm, then we talked and kissed for a couple of hours, and then I went home.

I have no idea what to do and I don't know how much longer I can keep running there two different 'worlds'. Any advice would be appreciated, but please don't take the opportunity to call me a slut, or tell me how horrible I'm being. Thank you.
It doesn't matter how ****ty your 'old' boyfriend is, that doesn't justify cheating on him. I understand, but don't condone or approve. The sensible thing in your position would be to sit down with 'old' boyfriend, explain how he makes you fell (not letting you do things isn't right etc) and then break up. It's not fair on him to string him along, but you should also tell him why you want to break up.
And please, do it in person; phone break ups are the most frustrating thing ever.
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katiiiiie
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It is wrong what you are doing, you have to make a choice, you can't have them both.


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Aku-gila
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(Original post by Obiejess)
Break up with your bf. You clearly like the guy you're cheating with more and it would be better for all of you imo.

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This; it seems fairly simple tbh.
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vickidc18
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I hope you're using protection,

I think you should break up with your current boyfriend immediately, don't tell him there's anyone else or anything just say sorry it's not working out between us, you want to minimise your ex's pain he will be much less hurt if you just break up with rather than him finding out you're cheating. If there's a high probability he will find out about you being unfaithful then tell him yourself, DON'T let an external source be the one to tell him as he will be more hurt, lastly do not make the relationship public with this new guy for a while. You have already been unfaithful and dishonest to your current partner so I think you need to think of his happiness and not your own, he deserves to be with someone who will not cheat.
I also think you need to be more mature about relationships, people have feelings and they are easily hurt. You might want to think before you get into another relationship it sounds to me like you aren't ready. Relationships aren't always "fun" or a "buzz" the newness and thrill always wears off in the end but what you get out of it, is love, deep friendship and companionship.
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The_Dragonborn
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Haha if you were a girl and cheating on your boyfriend OP you would get DISSED by some of the users around here!!

But somehow being gay and a cheat seems reasonably more okay with most people lol.

But seriously, just break up with the other guy - you aren't being honest and well, I guess that's one of the most important aspects of any relationship. So break up.
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PerArduaAdAstra
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Best practice would probably have been to break up with your boyfriend before starting this affair. Why put him through the feelings he's obviously going to have when he finds out? Much to learn, you still have.
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Another
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If his partner was a girl, he'd be getting called a **** left right and center. Now that it's a guy, "You've done nothing wrong..."

You're cheating on your boyfriend, whilst stringing along another guy who you have no interest in actually dating. Yes, you're a horrible human being. Break up with your current boyfriend (none of this "safe" nonsense, to you he only exists as a backup plan) and pursue a relationship with the guy you're seeing if you're still interested.
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