dating someone - when is it exclusive?

If your dating someone who you don't know, after how many dates would you say you would only see each other?

I personally have only ever dated one person at a time. I've had my first date with this guy which went well and we kissed etc

I know that he is single (as he mentioned he has been single for the last year and a half), but how do I know if he is seeing other girls? And when is the best time to find out?

thanks

Reply 1

awe

14

When you feel as though you want to be 'exclusive', you should say something. There's no 'set time' for it I think, but there certainly is a danger in assuming that you are only seeing each other without having actually made that a little clear. There is nothing wrong with being forward about your feelings if there has been no real reason to think he feels otherwise. 'I've really been enjoying being with you... do you wanna 'be my boyfriend'? It's always going to be a little bit silly, but there's something a bit cute in that, maybe. P:

I thought my partner and I were only really seeing each other because of the intensity of our relationship, and my own feelings. He had the same feelings, he just also still had lesser ones for other women elsewhere, and was still acting on those because we had never said to do otherwise. I assumed because he was a 'good guy', and not the typical 'player' type etc, he just wouldn't be seeing multiple women. I don't blame him, but I wish I had been a bit more direct at the beginning. Point is; don't assume. Just discuss it with him when you feel you want to and when it feels fairly natural.

Reply 2

IFoundWonderland

19

How can you date someone you don't know?

I'd expect from the beginning.

Reply 3

jm925

10

Original post by awe

When you feel as though you want to be 'exclusive', you should say something.

Agreed. It might be a little bit awkward to have the conversation but it's much better clarifying where you stand and making sure you're both on the same page.
I wouldn't say it's necessary from the very beginning but after a few dates I'd want the security.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by awe

When you feel as though you want to be 'exclusive', you should say something. There's no 'set time' for it I think, but there certainly is a danger in assuming that you are only seeing each other without having actually made that a little clear. There is nothing wrong with being forward about your feelings if there has been no real reason to think he feels otherwise. 'I've really been enjoying being with you... do you wanna 'be my boyfriend'? It's always going to be a little bit silly, but there's something a bit cute in that, maybe. P:

Thanks - yes I agree with you. I was kind of assuming that until its discussed, its safer to assume he might be seeing/ dating other people. Even though I wouldn't do that. I haven't had that much experience unfortunately, my last relationship i was friends with my bf for a while beforehand so we kind of just became bf/gf rather than the whole dating thing.

I thought my partner and I were only really seeing each other because of the intensity of our relationship, and my own feelings. He had the same feelings, he just also still had lesser ones for other women elsewhere, and was still acting on those because we had never said to do otherwise. I assumed because he was a 'good guy', and not the typical 'player' type etc, he just wouldn't be seeing multiple women. I don't blame him, but I wish I had been a bit more direct at the beginning. Point is; don't assume. Just discuss it with him when you feel you want to and when it feels fairly natural.

I see. How did you bring it up with him?? As in did you ask if he was seeing/ dating other people? I just don't know when is best to slip that question into conversation as its obviously not something to bring up on a first date, but perhaps sooner rather than later

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by awe

When you feel as though you want to be 'exclusive', you should say something. There's no 'set time' for it I think, but there certainly is a danger in assuming that you are only seeing each other without having actually made that a little clear. There is nothing wrong with being forward about your feelings if there has been no real reason to think he feels otherwise. 'I've really been enjoying being with you... do you wanna 'be my boyfriend'? It's always going to be a little bit silly, but there's something a bit cute in that, maybe. P:

I thought my partner and I were only really seeing each other because of the intensity of our relationship, and my own feelings. He had the same feelings, he just also still had lesser ones for other women elsewhere, and was still acting on those because we had never said to do otherwise. I assumed because he was a 'good guy', and not the typical 'player' type etc, he just wouldn't be seeing multiple women. I don't blame him, but I wish I had been a bit more direct at the beginning. Point is; don't assume. Just discuss it with him when you feel you want to and when it feels fairly natural.

Thanks - yes I agree with you. I was kind of assuming that until its discussed, its safer to assume he might be seeing/ dating other people. Even though I wouldn't do that. I haven't had that much experience unfortunately, my last relationship i was friends with my bf for a while beforehand so we kind of just became bf/gf rather than the whole dating thing.

I see. How did you bring it up with him?? As in did you ask if he was seeing/ dating other people? I just don't know when is best to slip that question into conversation as its obviously not something to bring up on a first date, but perhaps sooner rather than later

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by ILovePancakes

How can you date someone you don't know?

I'd expect from the beginning.

Well I've met him once before, but it wasn't a date. This is the second time I've met him and it was our first date

Reply 7

awe

14

Original post by Anonymous

I see. How did you bring it up with him?? As in did you ask if he was seeing/ dating other people? I just don't know when is best to slip that question into conversation as its obviously not something to bring up on a first date, but perhaps sooner rather than later

It's a while back now, but there was a conversation I remember in which we were both just saying how happy we were together. I mentioned that I was really enjoying it but liked keeping it a bit casual, just because I wasn't really looking for anything serious (we're still together now, so that didn't work P: ) and he agreed, mentioning there was also still someone back home he had only finished with recently; he was vague about that. That was a truth and a lie and there were several other people for him whereas I had no interest in anyone else myself, and he continued seeing them for a while. I assumed we became official a month or so after that conversation and so did everyone else around me. We had certainly become a couple already in every sense of the word - met families, even went on a weekend away etc. It's a bit cloudy from there because he did cheat on me and lie in the beginning as well - but the point is, even without those other-level things, I was wrong to assume that just because he was 'my' nice guy, he wasn't also being someone else's.

No, not really a first date. But do you really want to close yourself off with him so soon, either? I think you'll know when it's right. I wouldn't rush it unless you feel a need to, though, i.e you really are incensed at the thought that he could be seeing someone else and you really do see a future between you two.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 8

Coke Or Pepsi

11

OP, my tactic is to ask: What is this?

It worked a charm last time :smile:

He said: well, I, you know, want to hold your hand, and kiss you, and stuff (I know... HOW cheesy)
And I said: well, kiss me then.
And that was the start of it :smile:

Mind you, we'd been in continuous contact for the 2-3 months before that, and it was really obvious we really liked each other, and we had spoken about it before. But he had religious problems and I needed to wait for him to sort them out (he converted to some hard-core line of Christianity for his ex-girlfriend that only permitted him to date Christians, and I have no religion, so a bit of a faf there)

Anyways I digress...

Just be open about it and don't be embarrassed. I think asking 'What is this/What are we' is a really good way about it; it opens up conversation without being all 'Do you want to be my boyfriend' type of thing.

Original post by Anonymous

X

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 9

Cobbler

9

I think before you start sleeping together, you have the conversation. I wouldn't want to be that heavily involved with someone who was with other people that way.
Maybe it's just me. I'm a bit old fashioned. :colondollar:

Reply 10

James222

3

once your pregnancy is at a stage abortion becomes illegal

Reply 11

Mr Smurf

20

When it says you are in a relationship on Facebook obviously.

Reply 12

jm925

10

Original post by Cobbler

I think before you start sleeping together, you have the conversation. I wouldn't want to be that heavily involved with someone who was with other people that way.
Maybe it's just me. I'm a bit old fashioned. :colondollar:

Yeah, I think that's a pretty good measure, especially health-wise.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

OP

Ah ok - i see what you mean. I guess it depends what you are looking for. I would date someone in order to find out if I actually wanted to be in a relationship with them (as in I wouldn't have sex with someone that I was just dating but not in an exclusive relationship with). Did it not bother you that he was seeing the other people?? Or not, because you hadn't yet said become official. Yeh best not to assume anything

No I don't want to close myself off or anything like that, or rush into things since I still barely know him.. I guess in terms of him seeing other people - I would feel weird that I had kissed him, knowing that he might be kissing loads of other women

Reply 14

Zarek

21

I sort of expect from the beginning, and most certainly from when you start getting down to the business..

Reply 15

Double Agent

18

As soon as I've started dating them, ie the first dates gone well and you intend to see each other again, I would expect tacit exclusivity, purely out of respect, honesty and integrity.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

thanks for the replies

i'm meeting him for our second date tomorrow evening and we have been texting.

is there a way of slipping into conversation - to see if he is the type who would be seeing other girls? or just dating one person at a time? i don't want to seem odd, because we are just getting to know each other etc

i guess i just want to know whether he is the type to be looking for a relationship or just casual meet ups

Reply 17

Anonymous #1

OP

any one have any thoughts of how to find out? thanks

dating someone - when is it exclusive?

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