Stressed...about potential marriage to a cousin Watch

Anonymous #1
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so im 27 years of age and getting to that stage where in the pakistani culture, i should be married off and having the stable marital life that my siblings have.

i dont. not yet yet anyway. im in a dilemma about going ahead with what my parents would like by marrying my first cousin from pakistan. she is a nice girl and would look after my parents well and she's polite etc. but i don't feel any attraction to her. i'm a man and i need to feel attraction to a woman and then get to know them etc.

my family members feel i should marry her as they feel she is right for me. and also my mother's disabled and they feel she would be able to handle that responsilbiltiy.

ive got myself a job that im two months into and not sure i can handle the stress of self doubt of trying to make sure to hold onto that job and sorting this marriage stuff out.

also i don't think i can handle the pressure of bringing her over as the visa rules have been changed (have to be earning 18k a year or savings of 60k?) and my job history suggests i might not be able to stick to the job ive got but hopefully i do just for my own confidence.

im a very shy person and havent had relationships with girls and hence i dont have many options in the uk so this girl from pakistan seems the only one but expressing my reason for not wanting to marry her, i.e attraction, is difficult to express to traditional pakistani parents as its not a good enough reason potentially.

advice appreciated people
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Inazuma
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It is your life and no one is forcing you- you do have a right to say no. Yes it may be difficult, but there's no use messing yourself up..


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ilem
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Keep in mind you will also be making her miserable if you go through with this marriage, since you have no feelings for her.

I don't think it's a good idea personally.
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Sabertooth
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Marrying a first cousin? Not a good idea. Are you aware that the risk of birth defects in the Pakistani community in Britain is significantly higher than any other group?
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Shadow-X
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(Original post by Sabertooth)
Marrying a first cousin? Not a good idea. Are you aware that the risk of birth defects in the Pakistani community in Britain is sigificantly higher than any other group?
what birth defect and why would that happen
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Sabertooth
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(Original post by Shadow-X)
what birth defect and why would that happen
Because of the lack of genetic diversity caused by marrying relatives.

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leeds-23183102
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Shadow-X
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(Original post by Sabertooth)
Because of the lack of genetic diversity caused by marrying relatives.

http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leeds-23183102
oh thats cousins.. interesting link though
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Sabertooth)
Marrying a first cousin? Not a good idea. Are you aware that the risk of birth defects in the Pakistani community in Britain is significantly higher than any other group?
i am aware of that and nervous of it as one of my siblings has had issues with her son (but he is much better now) with first cousin marriage and idk how i would react if our child had problems. it would make me angry at me being in this position due to doing what others wanted. but its not a major concern for me tbh
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Inazuma
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(Original post by Anonymous)
i am aware of that and nervous of it as one of my siblings has had issues with her son (but he is much better now) with first cousin marriage and idk how i would react if our child had problems. it would make me angry at me being in this position due to doing what others wanted. but its not a major concern for me tbh
Your potential child having disabilities and medical problems is not a major concern?

Please never have children. Just lost all respect for you.



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brownbearxo
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Oh dear. I hope you find a solution op. Move away perhaps? Im sure youll miss your family but they sound a bit toxic...
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Shadow-X
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(Original post by marinaim)
Your potential child having disabilities and medical problems is not a major concern?

Please never have children. Just lost all respect for you.



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lol please stand in his shoes, wot would u do if ur parents forced u like that
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Inazuma
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(Original post by Shadow-X)
lol please stand in his shoes, wot would u do if ur parents forced u like that
Err, not marry someone I didn't love and cause her pain nor the potential child who I didn't care for, nor put myself through pain and mental health issues through all that...
Obviously an issue simplified, but oppressive and outdated cultures where incest and arranged marriages are normal are not good. And one should be able to say no.


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brownbearxo
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(Original post by marinaim)
Err, not marry someone I didn't love and cause her pain nor the potential child who I didn't care for, nor put myself through pain and mental health issues through all that...
Obviously an issue simplified, but oppressive and outdated cultures where incest and arranged marriages are normal are not good. And one should be able to say no.


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I think the point is he can't.... Havent you heard about these things? Some poor people get killed for refusing and bringing dishonour to the family. There was a girl that happened to recently.
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Inazuma
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(Original post by brownbearxo)
I think the point is he can't.... Havent you heard about these things? Some poor people get killed for refusing and bringing dishonour to the family. There was a girl that happened to recently.
Yes it can bring dishonour but personally, while my own health may be of slight concern, I would not be so selfish as to condemn a potential family to suffer.
And that was a rare thing, plus op is male and much older.
Go ahead and ruin your own life but don't force others to ruin theirs for the sake of a wildly outdated concept.
Op doesn't want to marry, doesn't majorly care about birth defects etc so why on earth should he get married !


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brownbearxo
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(Original post by marinaim)
Yes it can bring dishonour but personally, while my own health may be of slight concern, I would not be so selfish as to condemn a potential family to suffer.
And that was a rare thing, plus op is male and much older.
Go ahead and ruin your own life but don't force others to ruin theirs for the sake of a wildly outdated concept.
Op doesn't want to marry, doesn't majorly care about birth defects etc so why on earth should he get married !


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Thinking about cultural things in that way is unhelpful. You were raised differently, you come from a totally different angle. No one is justifying it, but you need to fully understand the hold culture has on others. To dismiss it so readily is a little short sighted. Also known as 'white privilege'. (Not accusing you or anything, just explaining a point )
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by marinaim)
Your potential child having disabilities and medical problems is not a major concern?

Please never have children. Just lost all respect for you.



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Not a concern in the sense that if it did occur, i could just about handle it because ive seen my sibling having to deal with it and she deals with it well. you've lost respect for me because i said a potential child having disabilities is not a major concern. baffled.
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Inazuma
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(Original post by brownbearxo)
Thinking about cultural things in that way is unhelpful. You were raised differently, you come from a totally different angle. No one is justifying it, but you need to fully understand the hold culture has on others. To dismiss it so readily is a little short sighted. Also known as 'white privilege'. (Not accusing you or anything, just explaining a point )
I'm not dismissing it, I just think in real life one has to balance morals and I think suffering of 3 people, 2 innocent comes above that.
Inevitably difficult but I am not well experienced enough to know how to go about explaining this to them, apart from what I read on here. Or by running away as frequently seems to occur


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brownbearxo
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(Original post by marinaim)
I'm not dismissing it, I just think in real life one has to balance morals and I think suffering of 3 people, 2 innocent comes above that.
Inevitably difficult but I am not well experienced enough to know how to go about explaining this to them, apart from what I read on here. Or by running away as frequently seems to occur


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I agree. I hope the op can do that too.
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BKS
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Is stalling more of an option for now? You can tell your parents your concerns over the job and visa etc and say you need time because of that which might be more acceptable than giving your main reasons. Tell them you want to be able to have the stable married life but it won't really happen if you don't sort your career out first.

If you want to start suggesting she's not the right person to be marrying then perhaps concerns over her being a first cousins are a valid reason, especially if there have been previous issues with your nephew that caused upset and stress then hopefully they'd understand.

Of course this still results in an arranged marriage eventually, if you don't want that then you need to be more upfront about it.


ETA: the kids issue is also a reason if helping with your mum is a consideration. Someone with a disabled kid is going to have less time to look after a disabled mother in law
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sue911
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Oh dear... I knew a friend who almost got into an arranged marriage and hated it (she got out of it, thankfully). So from secondhand experience this rings out 'bad idea, bad idea'.

Maybe this situation of yours is different though, your parents are not trying to force you to, I hope? If they are suggesting it and you really do not want it, it's best to make it clear to them, but in a respectful way. No one can really force you to do something you don't want to, unless someones's in an abusive familial/ romantic/ platonic relationship. (slightly unrelated note: if your relationship with parents is borderline abusive however, I hope you gather courage to seek help and confide in others. Confiding in forums can be a start too: http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/forumdisplay.php?f=755 )

Though it may be hard, the alternative of actually marrying a girl you have no attraction for will only bring misery and injustice to both of you. Explaining that to your parents would hopefully let them see that your life requires your choices, that them making decisions for you will eventually breed contempt between your relationship with them.

In terms of other options, the tougher part will be conquering shyness and getting out there to meet people. Unfortunately this is something you'd have to slowly face, maybe with the help of friends? Maybe joining pakistani societies or international society groups will help you meet people that can share more common experiences with you? There are more who feel fish out of water than you think, and from what I hear, uk has many foreign people flying over.

Best of luck and courage~
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