The Student Room Group

My advice to guys in the friendzone

I've had several bad experiences of getting friend-zoned to the point where it's taken over my life. Thought it would be a good idea to offer some advice to those of you experiencing the same thing as it seems to happen all too often these days.

1. So you've become close friends with her and finally you've decided to ask her out.
The likelihood is that you liked her from the start but back then there were barriers e.g. she told you she didn't want a relationship (hint!), she already had a boyfriend, you couldn't gage any interest from her side (hint!) Now you ask her out and she rejected you but suggests you stay friends.

2. What do most guys do next?
All too often, guys feel hurt about the rejection but decide as they've invested so much emotional time in her that it's worth staying friends. Perhaps they feel that the opportunity may arise again to ask her out or the feelings will just turn themselves off. Sure it's possible to go back to being friends but there will always be that awkwardness or frustration over the rejection.

3. You start to see her around other guys/she gets a boyfriend.
This is when the jealousy comes out and your 'friendship' is put to the test. How will you cope if she's got another boyfriend and you're still into her? The answer is pretty badly; you'll get jealous, think he's not good enough for her and question why it is she always dates douche bags. This can lead to huge periods of angst and blame. You'll start to act differently toward the girl too.

4. Now is the time to move on.
Can you realistically be friends with someone you want more from? No. It puts you off dating other people cos you stay so invested in this one person who only ever wanted to be friends. You have to take responsibility for your own actions- look to point 1. If you can't ask a girl out who you know you like from the start, then it's not a good idea to just settle with friends.

My advice is to stop contacting the girl immediately as you need to look after your own interests. It may seem harsh but your friendship will always be one-sided. They say a friendship spirals downwards the moment one person develops feelings for the other. I myself fought that idea on numerous occasions and only after losing those people from my life was I able to finally get into a relationship. I didn't harbour any bad feelings towards the girls I cut off cos they meant something to me. It was just unfortunate that they didn't reciprocate and looking back, me trying to stay friends with them worked out badly on both sides.

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Taking advice on how to escape the friendzone from someone perpetually in the friendzone? Seems legit.
A guy did what you did to those girls to me, and personally it hurts because it would have been nice to still be friends. He's such a lovely guy. I don't understand why guys wont just accept a friendship? What's so bad about that? Why cut off all ties?
Reply 3
You don't get put in the friendzone, you put yourself in the friendzone.

Act like a guy that wants her = She states she's interested or not.

Act like her friend = You put yourself in the friendzone.

If you act like her friend then you've put yourself in the friendzone and thus you are to blame and not her. Accept the blame is yours, note your mistakes and improve for the next girl.

The term friendzone is simply a guy not accepting responsibility for his actions and needs to blame the girl. This is a pussy move and what differs the men from the mice.

Men take the mistakes they've made and improve upon them/don't do them again = builds character.

Mice blame the girl, call it friendzoned and have a "its not my fault blahblahblah" = You'll continue to get friendzoned.

How to remove yourself from the friendzone:

If you see her as a friend = Don't even bother. Just be friends with her afterall ARE YOU A DOUCHEBAG TOO?

If you want to **** her = Distance yourself, spend time improving yourself. Give it 3 months minimum then come back into her life a changed, more attractive and sexually charged male and dominate that ****.
Reply 4
Original post by Double Agent
Taking advice on how to escape the friendzone from someone perpetually in the friendzone? Seems legit.


It's actually taking advice from someone who got caught up in the friendzone, did something about it and is now in a relationship with someone else. The point is that it's rare to escape the friend zone so focusing your efforts on new more realistic options is the way forward.
Reply 5
Original post by Anonymous
A guy did what you did to those girls to me, and personally it hurts because it would have been nice to still be friends. He's such a lovely guy. I don't understand why guys wont just accept a friendship? What's so bad about that? Why cut off all ties?


Hi. Have you considered how difficult it might have been for him to be seeing someone he really wanted to go out with? I don't think you should take it badly. It's unfortunate he couldn't see you as just a friend but by cutting contact he's only being honest with you. I feel sorry for you though- he should have made his intentions clear from the start (my biggest regret as well).
Reply 6
Original post by Knighted
You don't get put in the friendzone, you put yourself in the friendzone.

Act like a guy that wants her = She states she's interested or not.

Act like her friend = You put yourself in the friendzone.

If you act like her friend then you've put yourself in the friendzone and thus you are to blame and not her. Accept the blame is yours, note your mistakes and improve for the next girl.

The term friendzone is simply a guy not accepting responsibility for his actions and needs to blame the girl. This is a pussy move and what differs the men from the mice.

Men take the mistakes they've made and improve upon them/don't do them again = builds character.

Mice blame the girl, call it friendzoned and have a "its not my fault blahblahblah" = You'll continue to get friendzoned.

How to remove yourself from the friendzone:

If you see her as a friend = Don't even bother. Just be friends with her afterall ARE YOU A DOUCHEBAG TOO?

If you want to **** her = Distance yourself, spend time improving yourself. Give it 3 months minimum then come back into her life a changed, more attractive and sexually charged male and dominate that ****.


Agree with this. You need to take responsibility for getting yourself into the friend zone. Girls are normally very clear about where they stand with you, so by not taking those hints you are only to blame for getting caught out. Acting like a man by saying what you want makes you a much better proposition for a relationship anyway. Hanging around in a compromised friendship is a mark of someone with no self-respect.
I haven't cut all ties after being rejected by girls. I actually, shock horror, remained friends with them! :eek2: :eek3:

Isn't it time to consider the possibility that the girl who friendzoned you wasn't actually right for you? That even if you were to go out with her, it wouldn't last because you both have different goals in life?
Reply 8
Original post by SecretDuck
I haven't cut all ties after being rejected by girls. I actually, shock horror, remained friends with them! :eek2: :eek3:

Isn't it time to consider the possibility that the girl who friendzoned you wasn't actually right for you? That even if you were to go out with her, it wouldn't last because you both have different goals in life?


If you genuinely want to be friends with them that's fine. More often than not though, being rejected by a close friend can lead to huge periods of angst and the only way to move on completely is to cut contact. Your last point is very philosophical but in my opinion just an excuse for you not being together. I don't think being rejected by someone should make you find flaws in them just to appease the disappointment.
Original post by Anonymous
If you genuinely want to be friends with them that's fine. More often than not though, being rejected by a close friend can lead to huge periods of angst and the only way to move on completely is to cut contact. Your last point is very philosophical but in my opinion just an excuse for you not being together. I don't think being rejected by someone should make you find flaws in them just to appease the disappointment.


I certainly never felt that way about my old friends at school. The guys they chose over me were (mostly) guys who were better looking than me and better overall. Later, I realised their flaws, without even looking for them - and their goals in the future are not compatible with mine. One of them is a drama queen and will never get five GCSEs (or equivalent), let alone be even slightly successful. Another is unambitious and wants to work in a dead-end job for the rest of her life. The other two are alcoholics and became addicted to drugs. Their flaws were unveiled, one at a time.

I felt that fate didn't want me to be with those girls because we are of different mind-sets.
Reply 10
Original post by SecretDuck
I certainly never felt that way about my old friends at school. The guys they chose over me were (mostly) guys who were better looking than me and better overall. Later, I realised their flaws, without even looking for them - and their goals in the future are not compatible with mine. One of them is a drama queen and will never get five GCSEs (or equivalent), let alone be even slightly successful. Another is unambitious and wants to work in a dead-end job for the rest of her life. The other two are alcoholics and became addicted to drugs. Their flaws were unveiled, one at a time.

I felt that fate didn't want me to be with those girls because we are of different mind-sets.



I cannot even begin to imagine dating a girl that did not have the requisite amount of GCSEs. Its like they didn't read my online dating admissions criteria before applying.
Original post by cole-slaw
I cannot even begin to imagine dating a girl that did not have the requisite amount of GCSEs. Its like they didn't read my online dating admissions criteria before applying.


Me neither.
Original post by Anonymous
Hi. Have you considered how difficult it might have been for him to be seeing someone he really wanted to go out with? I don't think you should take it badly. It's unfortunate he couldn't see you as just a friend but by cutting contact he's only being honest with you. I feel sorry for you though- he should have made his intentions clear from the start (my biggest regret as well).


I understand that, but is a break not sufficient? And now I just spend my time thinking about him whereas he's fallen in love with someone else yet still wont speak to me
Reply 13
Original post by SecretDuck
I certainly never felt that way about my old friends at school. The guys they chose over me were (mostly) guys who were better looking than me and better overall. Later, I realised their flaws, without even looking for them - and their goals in the future are not compatible with mine. One of them is a drama queen and will never get five GCSEs (or equivalent), let alone be even slightly successful. Another is unambitious and wants to work in a dead-end job for the rest of her life. The other two are alcoholics and became addicted to drugs. Their flaws were unveiled, one at a time.

I felt that fate didn't want me to be with those girls because we are of different mind-sets.


Yeah those are some pretty big flaws there. With my example, the girl was pretty much perfect for me- genuinely nice to be around, funny, similar personality, naturally good looking, intelligent. I couldn't ask or want anything more. She rejected me 3 times and I still tried to maintain the friendship but it was useless. I couldn't find any flaws, yet all the time I was trying to pick faults with her.

The friendship spiralled downwards, I got jealous when she was seeing other guys and in the end I just cut myself off. I took responsibility for getting myself into that position however, and now I look back at all the stupid things I did just to try and get a shot with her. All that time I invested in her should have been with other girls and it was cos I wasn't honest with her from the start. I should have walked away earlier. We live and learn though.
Original post by Anonymous
I've had several bad experiences of getting friend-zoned to the point where it's taken over my life. Thought it would be a good idea to offer some advice to those of you experiencing the same thing as it seems to happen all too often these days.

1. So you've become close friends with her and finally you've decided to ask her out.
The likelihood is that you liked her from the start but back then there were barriers e.g. she told you she didn't want a relationship (hint!), she already had a boyfriend, you couldn't gage any interest from her side (hint!) Now you ask her out and she rejected you but suggests you stay friends.

2. What do most guys do next?
All too often, guys feel hurt about the rejection but decide as they've invested so much emotional time in her that it's worth staying friends. Perhaps they feel that the opportunity may arise again to ask her out or the feelings will just turn themselves off. Sure it's possible to go back to being friends but there will always be that awkwardness or frustration over the rejection.

3. You start to see her around other guys/she gets a boyfriend.
This is when the jealousy comes out and your 'friendship' is put to the test. How will you cope if she's got another boyfriend and you're still into her? The answer is pretty badly; you'll get jealous, think he's not good enough for her and question why it is she always dates douche bags. This can lead to huge periods of angst and blame. You'll start to act differently toward the girl too.

4. Now is the time to move on.
Can you realistically be friends with someone you want more from? No. It puts you off dating other people cos you stay so invested in this one person who only ever wanted to be friends. You have to take responsibility for your own actions- look to point 1. If you can't ask a girl out who you know you like from the start, then it's not a good idea to just settle with friends.

My advice is to stop contacting the girl immediately as you need to look after your own interests. It may seem harsh but your friendship will always be one-sided. They say a friendship spirals downwards the moment one person develops feelings for the other. I myself fought that idea on numerous occasions and only after losing those people from my life was I able to finally get into a relationship. I didn't harbour any bad feelings towards the girls I cut off cos they meant something to me. It was just unfortunate that they didn't reciprocate and looking back, me trying to stay friends with them worked out badly on both sides.


Dear OP,

Girls friendzone guys who are their friends because they are not physically attracted to them. Reasons for this can range from the fact their scent is not right for them, or that they're shorter than the girl, or that the girl prefers guys with broader shoulders, etc. There is no other reason, and self-improvement doesn't really help.

Sorry to sound harsh, but this is the honest truth.

(Anon because someone I know who was friendzoned recently is on here).
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah those are some pretty big flaws there. With my example, the girl was pretty much perfect for me- genuinely nice to be around, funny, similar personality, naturally good looking, intelligent. I couldn't ask or want anything more. She rejected me 3 times and I still tried to maintain the friendship but it was useless. I couldn't find any flaws, yet all the time I was trying to pick faults with her.

The friendship spiralled downwards, I got jealous when she was seeing other guys and in the end I just cut myself off. I took responsibility for getting myself into that position however, and now I look back at all the stupid things I did just to try and get a shot with her. All that time I invested in her should have been with other girls and it was cos I wasn't honest with her from the start. I should have walked away earlier. We live and learn though.


It didn't really sound that you got to know her all that well tbh. I'm sure she had some flaws, at least. We all have them.

And speaking from a guy's point of view, I'd prefer it that the person is just upfront in their intentions than just immediately cutting off contact after getting to know them for years and rejecting them.
Reply 16
Original post by SecretDuck
It didn't really sound that you got to know her all that well tbh. I'm sure she had some flaws, at least. We all have them.

And speaking from a guy's point of view, I'd prefer it that the person is just upfront in their intentions than just immediately cutting off contact after getting to know them for years and rejecting them.


Well I did get to know her very well actually, for about 2 years and we spent a lot of time together. Anyway my decision has been validated as I've moved on successfully and am now in a stable relationship. Remember you have been the one who has been rejected after all so by cutting contact you are effectively doing the same thing back (and it's not out of spite, it's so you can move on).
Reply 17
I struggle with this, especially at work. I cant exactly ignore my female colleagues and it's very hard to move on when you work with them!
Reply 18
Original post by Anonymous
Dear OP,

Girls friendzone guys who are their friends because they are not physically attracted to them. Reasons for this can range from the fact their scent is not right for them, or that they're shorter than the girl, or that the girl prefers guys with broader shoulders, etc. There is no other reason, and self-improvement doesn't really help.

Sorry to sound harsh, but this is the honest truth.

(Anon because someone I know who was friendzoned recently is on here).


I'm not saying that isn't the reason for someone being friend-zoned. Self-improvement isn't going to make much difference to one girl but it can certainly increase your chances with others. Being more confident, going to the gym, physically improving yourself etc. can only be a good thing.
Original post by Anonymous
Well I did get to know her very well actually, for about 2 years and we spent a lot of time together. Anyway my decision has been validated as I've moved on successfully and am now in a stable relationship. Remember you have been the one who has been rejected after all so by cutting contact you are effectively doing the same thing back (and it's not out of spite, it's so you can move on).


I don't speak to my friends anymore because we moved schools and decided to get on with our lives. I never purposely cut contact with them - it just happened for the both of us.

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