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makesomenoise
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#21
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#21
(Original post by Stevanh)
Im only giving what the thread asked for Tina


Tut Tut Tina Bad Form :eek:
That I won't argue with. Keep it coming.
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Stevanh
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#22
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#22
Sandy and Wee Hughie were out on the moors shooting grouse when Sandy fell to the ground. He didn't seem to breathing and when Wee Hughie raised Sandy's eye-lids his eyes rolled back in his head. In a panic, Wee Hughie took out his cell phone and called the emergency services on 999. When he got through, he gasped to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead." There was a silence from Wee Hughie for a few moments and then the operator heard a shot.

Then Wee Hughie said "OK, now what?"

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GH
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#23
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#23
That last joke lacked the "buzz" of the past ones.
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Stevanh
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#24
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#24
A student at an English university, by name of Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye, who was living in the hall of residence in his first year there. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit, no doubt carrying reinforcements of oatmeal.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?"
she asked."Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible noisy people! The one on that side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams and screams away into the night!"

"Oh, Donald! How ever do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?" "Mother, I do nothing, I just ignore them! I just stay here quietly playing my bagpipes!"
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Stevanh
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#25
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#25
When Wee Hughie moved to London he constantly annoyed his English acquaintances by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "Well, if Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?"

"Well," explained Wee Hughie "they're all so clever up there I had to come down here to have any chance of making it at all
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Stevanh
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#26
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#26
Distressed Widow

When Big Peter McFlannel dies in Glasgow, his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once, so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband"

The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"

The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok".

So the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter McFlannel, fae Parkheid, deid".

The clerk feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hands the paper over the counter again.

The clerk then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
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Stevanh
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#27
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#27
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes. An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"
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Stevanh
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#28
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#28
Wee Hughie Is Dying

Wee Hughie was dying. Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked:
‘Anything I can get you, Hughie?’
No reply.

‘Have you got a last wish, Hughie?’

Faintly, came the answer. . . ‘a wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder.’
‘Wheesht, man,’ said Maggie, ‘you know fine that’s for the your funeral.’
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randdom
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#29
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#29
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
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Stevanh
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#30
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#30
Tee Hee
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GH
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#31
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#31
(Original post by randdom)
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"
That was on Radio 4 I believe.
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Stevanh
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#32
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#32
An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots in Canada and the mixing of the race with the Indians.

‘You’ll find,’ he said, ‘a great number of Scots half-breeds and French half*breeds, but you cannot find any English half-breeds.’

‘Not surprisingly,’ shouted Wee Hughie in the audience. ‘The squaws had to draw the line somewhere.
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Stevanh
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#33
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#33
One day Wee Hughie bought a bottle of fine whiskey and while walking home he fell.

Getting up he felt something wet on his pants.

He looked up at the sky and said,"Oh lord please I beg you let it be blood!"
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Stevanh
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#34
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#34
Two shipwrecked Scots had been hanging on for hours to an upturned boat.
Wee Hughie, realizing that he might not be able to hold our much longer, began to recount his past misdeeds, and to vow that if he escaped he would in future lead an entirely new life.

Suddenly, there was a cry from his comrade in distress:

" Wait, Hughie ! Don't commit yourself yet - I think I see land ! "
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maximusmak
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#35
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#35
(Original post by Stevanh)
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.

Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.

In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.

At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.

Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."

now thats a good 1
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maximusmak
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#36
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#36
(Original post by XTinaA)
These are old jokes ripped off and modified to put the Scotsman in good light. Tut tut, bad form.
have u got any good NEW 1s then?
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maximusmak
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#37
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#37
(Original post by Stevanh)
Im only giving what the thread asked for Tina


Tut Tut Tina Bad Form :eek:
keep em cumin pal
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Stevanh
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#38
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#38
Nope havent got any sorry
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maximusmak
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#39
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#39
(Original post by Stevanh)
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at day break they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight.

One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a scottish accent came from within the dense fog.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 10 englishmen".

With this, the english general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 50 englishman".

With this the english general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 100 englishman".

Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later.

"Any one scotsman can beat any 1,000 englishman".

By this time, the english general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERES TWO OF THE B*STARDS".


now dats a good 1, but havbnt u got any 1s against the scots?
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Stevanh
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#40
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#40
"Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American.

"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.

"Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
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