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worried about sister

ok so my sister has come back from uni after 3 years with no degree and lots of debt.
shes on anti-depressants which i only found out a few months ago, and by accident i saw that she has been self harming but has stopped now.

she hasnt been out of the house during the day in a loooong time. Her sleeping pattern is really weird. she sleeps till 3pm+ (i actully had to wake her up this afternoon) and stays awake till god knows what time in the morning, as she has a computer in her room with the net. She does go out sometimes but at night. she hates the sun on her skin.

Now she is also 21 and she has totally wasted her life, im really worried shes just gonna live off my parents for the rest of her life. she has no motovation to do ANYTHING, it took her a week to take all her stuff in her room after moving back and lives like a 13 yr old. She hasnt even started looking for a job, she seems to think shes on her summer holidays which i dont understand as she doesnt go to uni/college or school.

Is there anything i can do to actully get her to grow up and realise how much she needs to wake up and smell the coffee?

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I think maybe she needs to actually realise that shes a grown up and can't live like that anymore. Maybe shes trying to figure out what the hell shes gonna do with her life now. Try to be just a sister with her and be as comforting as possible you and your family are the most important things in her life at the moment.

But her sleeping habits? Maybe she was just far too used to those hours in university?? It might help if you disconnect her internet it might give her some motivation to do something??

sorry can't be anymore help :hugs: - p.s. I kinda know how it is my own sister is like that!
Reply 2
gossip_girl
...and lives like a 13 yr old. She hasnt even started looking for a job, she seems to think shes on her summer holidays which i dont understand as she doesnt go to uni/college or school.


CTFU!!!!!

Sorry but that part was hilarious!!!

Anyways, right to be concerned.

My uncle (ok age thing is different, but same situation), graduated in Physics, from Oxford...had some great jobs working as an IT analyst in the health industry. After stressful days, he realises drinking coffee, tea, and coca cola is causing him diabetes. 10 years later...he has serious diabeties, leg problems, overweight, serious debt and his house is a tip.

All of our families are trying to wake him up and smell the coffee also...but he doesnt care. He talks suicidal to me. And I tell him that's stupid, you've got a lot more ahead of you if you only take the oppourtunity.

When he graduated he was in good shape, very fit.

So what chance does your 21-year old sister have if she's in much worse condition & without a job?

Maybe shock treatment will help.

Thats what I do for my little cousins who aren't doing well with their SATS.

"Do you wanna become a dustbinman?" Haha...ok thats mean since they're only 12.

Try everything you can think of to help her out.

Maybe clean her room up, and maybe she'll stick to keeping it clean?

Or get her friends to keep asking her to come out in day time?

Find out if the sunlight affecting her skin problem can be solved, maybe medically or mentally.

The next milestone would be for her to get a call for a job interview. work towards that. The debt, well...you cannot do much about it. Except, tell parents she's in a spot of trouble (don't give them the figures...they might get REALLY worried), and maybe your parents will tell your sister that they wont be giving her a free ride?

Hope this helped.:smile:
Reply 3
i know how it must be frustrating but look at things from her point of view. she has spent 3 years, possibly working hard for what appears to be nothing at all because she has no degree. she must feel like somewhat of a faliure. add on top of that a load of debt. i bet she feels like she's wasted her life and has got herself trapped in a situation she cannot see an end too. people plan out their lives with high, sometimes unrealisitic, expectations of what they will be like. to have to confront the reality must be devastating. honestly, i feel sorry for your sister more than i feel sorry for you. things must have affected her badly if she self-harmed and is depressed. no doubt, her life feel like it's not worth living right now and she feels worthless. is is any wonder she has no movtivation when she has spent 3 years working at a degree to come out with nothing at all? she self-esteem and confidence has taken a hard bashing.

if you have a good relationship with your sister may try and get her to open up with you. if you dont then try and make conversation with her about anything but her uni/debts/jobs etc. over time she may feel like she can be comfortable aroudn you and may want to talk about her problems then.

there is not a hell of a lot you can do to make her "grow up and smell the coffee". nagging or even hinting that she is lazing about the house and needs to get a job will probably just make her sink further into depression. like i say, she probably feels like a faliure as it is. i think in time she will learn to come to terms with her failed degree on her own or maybe, if you talk to her about it (if you have a close reationship).

and she will probably never continue to sponge off your parents. can you honestly see this continuing for many years to come? i dont know about your family but i doubt this is likely.

also, what are your parents doing in this situation?
gossip_girl
ok so my sister has come back from uni after 3 years with no degree and lots of debt.
shes on anti-depressants which i only found out a few months ago, and by accident i saw that she has been self harming but has stopped now.

she hasnt been out of the house during the day in a loooong time. Her sleeping pattern is really weird. she sleeps till 3pm+ (i actully had to wake her up this afternoon) and stays awake till god knows what time in the morning, as she has a computer in her room with the net. She does go out sometimes but at night. she hates the sun on her skin.


Seems abit freaky, check her computer if she goes on weird sites, she might want to be a vampire:confused:
Reply 5
RishiC


The next milestone would be for her to get a call for a job interview. work towards that. The debt, well...you cannot do much about it. Except, tell parents she's in a spot of trouble (don't give them the figures...they might get REALLY worried), and maybe your parents will tell your sister that they wont be giving her a free ride?

Hope this helped.:smile:

my parents dont notice anything i dont think....they just keep giving her money and have give her no motovation to get a job. she is sooo ungratefull! she gets everything and never gives back if you get me
gossip_girl
my parents dont notice anything i dont think....they just keep giving her money and have give her no motovation to get a job. she is sooo ungratefull! she gets everything and never gives back if you get me


Ahhh you see if shes used to that getting everything handed to her on a platter she'll expect it all the time now.....your ma and da is gonna have to have a quiet word with her.....might give me motivation discuss it yourself with them first though and ask them what do they think
Reply 7
gossip_girl
my parents dont notice anything i dont think....they just keep giving her money and have give her no motovation to get a job. she is sooo ungratefull! she gets everything and never gives back if you get me


Yep I getcha.

The only thing you can do is snitch.

No seriously

My brother was given money all the time, he ended up spending it on phone top ups, drinking int he park, smoking and stupid stuff (he's only 16).

So I said to my mum (not dad...he's chuck him out LOL), generally, i think my brother is doing some bad things. I dont think u should tell him you know...just limit him going out, or be more suspicious and see what happens.

Sooner or later, the truth came out. One of his FRIENDS SISTER grassed on em for drinking beer inthe park!

We later found a joint and after the phone calls we hear at night, he has had to get himself his own job.

Albiet an illegal cash in hand job, which he's quitting soon as he's realised it's not worth it.

After all that, i felt guilty. But i know in my heart, he wasn't getting up to any good...his grades were slipping and was getting abusive to our parents, so I know for sure now, what I did was a just thing, and has helped. I can't do more then that as I have my own problems!

So maybe work with your parents, but just dont tell em the full story.

You seem to be quite intelligent and very responsible, so I'm sure you can help your sister out. My idea is risky, cause it could backfire with your parents finding it all out & your sister getting into a worse state...or your sister ending up hating you and running away or worse...so i'm not sure...now...damnit, i lost my point. :confused:
Reply 8
Xx Tomásíona - Mháire xX
Ahhh you see if shes used to that getting everything handed to her on a platter she'll expect it all the time now.....your ma and da is gonna have to have a quiet word with her.....might give me motivation discuss it yourself with them first though and ask them what do they think

but thats the thing i have to tell my parents to talk to her! i had to pester my dad to tell her to move her crap into her room! i had to tell him to tell her to clean her room, i had to tell him to tell her to look for a job!
Its pissing me off cos its like im a parent in this house and not my mum and dad!
Reply 9
you've made it obvious that your parents are not concerned about your sister like you are. if you really think "shock" tactics or one big confrontation to get your sister to "grow up" are the only solution then i think you need to get your parents and your sister to sit down and have a talk about her.

as i see it, you are not talking to your sister although she seems to be pissing you off. that in its self seems silly because you are apparently complaining about her but wont directly speak to her to resolve your problems. also, your parents are not aware of what you seem to think is a serious problem with your sis. so getting them all together will kill two birds with one stone. it can probably go one of two ways. 1) your sister opens up, issues are resolved, your sis has finally "smelt the coffee" etc. 2) your sister doesn't open up, becomes even more depressed, probably resents you for what you've done. your parents still fail to see the problem and continue giving her money.
gossip_girl
ok so my sister has come back from uni after 3 years with no degree and lots of debt.
shes on anti-depressants which i only found out a few months ago, and by accident i saw that she has been self harming but has stopped now.

she hasnt been out of the house during the day in a loooong time. Her sleeping pattern is really weird. she sleeps till 3pm+ (i actully had to wake her up this afternoon) and stays awake till god knows what time in the morning, as she has a computer in her room with the net. She does go out sometimes but at night. she hates the sun on her skin.

Now she is also 21 and she has totally wasted her life, im really worried shes just gonna live off my parents for the rest of her life. she has no motovation to do ANYTHING, it took her a week to take all her stuff in her room after moving back and lives like a 13 yr old. She hasnt even started looking for a job, she seems to think shes on her summer holidays which i dont understand as she doesnt go to uni/college or school.

Is there anything i can do to actully get her to grow up and realise how much she needs to wake up and smell the coffee?
My mate was very similar to this when we gaduated last summer. In fact he pretty much cut himslef off from all of us he knew from uni too.

But given time he's puled himself round and got a frist job. He's going to be starting a new, better job next month and is formulating plans for the long term.

So give your sister a little time and space. It took my mate about 7 months to sort himself out. It seems a long time, but it's better than pushing her too far now and causing serious problems and tential rifts.

So gental pursuasion and help to your sister will probably guide her towards helping herslef in due course.
Reply 11
tocktick
you've made it obvious that your parents are not concerned about your sister like you are. if you really think "shock" tactics or one big confrontation to get your sister to "grow up" are the only solution then i think you need to get your parents and your sister to sit down and have a talk about her.

as i see it, you are not talking to your sister although she seems to be pissing you off. that in its self seems silly because you are apparently complaining about her but wont directly speak to her to resolve your problems. also, your parents are not aware of what you seem to think is a serious problem with your sis. so getting them all together will kill two birds with one stone. it can probably go one of two ways. 1) your sister opens up, issues are resolved, your sis has finally "smelt the coffee" etc. 2) your sister doesn't open up, becomes even more depressed, probably resents you for what you've done. your parents still fail to see the problem and continue giving her money.

i do talk to her! i talk to her all the time when i see her. but when i do talk to her about getting work and the future she just sighs and doesnt really say anything
gossip_girl
but thats the thing i have to tell my parents to talk to her! i had to pester my dad to tell her to move her crap into her room! i had to tell him to tell her to clean her room, i had to tell him to tell her to look for a job!
Its pissing me off cos its like im a parent in this house and not my mum and dad!



Yeah its putting you into an awkward position I know but its the only thing you can do other than confront your sister on the situation....
Reply 13
Maybe talk to your parents about it? They seem to think that what she needs is support, but to be honest that is the last thing she needs. Give your parents a rude awakening!
no offence to the OP but its none of your business if she 'sponges off' your parents shes got depression so back off!! ive had depression myself so i know what its like when people try to force u to 'grow up' it makes you feel ten times worse without worrying about having failed her degree etc. leave her to it she'll survive, just give her time
RishiC
CTFU!!!!!



Whassat mean?
Yeah does sound worrying..Have a good talk with her.
Reply 17
devilgirl999
no offence to the OP but its none of your business if she 'sponges off' your parents shes got depression so back off!! ive had depression myself so i know what its like when people try to force u to 'grow up' it makes you feel ten times worse without worrying about having failed her degree etc. leave her to it she'll survive, just give her time

well yes it is my business if she is sponging off my parents see as because my mum lost her job i cant go back to college and have to get a job.
FYI ive been depressed aswell and tired to kill myself and no one was there to help me so she should be be happy someone is taking notice
Reply 18
devilgirl999
no offence to the OP but its none of your business if she 'sponges off' your parents shes got depression so back off!! ive had depression myself so i know what its like when people try to force u to 'grow up' it makes you feel ten times worse without worrying about having failed her degree etc. leave her to it she'll survive, just give her time


Hmm i'd say she has every right cos:

a) it's her sister, and no matter what, in families there are always unconditional love

and

b) it affects her parents and therefore affects the entire family, and considering she's in the family, it affects her too and makes it her business.

How she goes about making it her business is another thing, but she has every right to be concerned.

In my experience, it takes a long time to diffuse self-harming. A friend of mine did it once, stopped and i thought it was the last time, but it started up again. thankfully, self-harming (in my case) hasn't been too severe in it's impacts. But, it is a problem.

I think the REAL problem is the depression. She's on anti-depressants, and you only found out? Did you not notice any change in her personality? Any major lifestyle change anything at all?

PArents tend to not notice these things. Really, the majority of aprents, as much as they like to think they know us (and by us i mean, their children and the younger generation) they end up knowing very little...
Reply 19
True Love


I think the REAL problem is the depression. She's on anti-depressants, and you only found out? Did you not notice any change in her personality? Any major lifestyle change anything at all?

PArents tend to not notice these things. Really, the majority of aprents, as much as they like to think they know us (and by us i mean, their children and the younger generation) they end up knowing very little...

thats the thing nothing seems to be diffrent! shes always been lazy and quiet, but the sun thing is new shes obsessed with her skin. she buys anti ageing creams and crap like that when shes 21 ffs!!! wtf?! my other older sister seems to think shes doing to for attention, and im starting to agree with her.