Keeping a box of memories of the ex and putting them away safe-red flag? Watch

Riku
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OK yeah, still have feelings for her too much, but...I can't bring myself to burn all this stuff or even bin it . You can't just throw away memories. Like our diary, we have a diary of memories. However it ended we had a good run while it lasted it was a good year.

Apparently this makes me less of a man who should have burned this **** weeks ago? Is there something wrong with me for keeping memories? Am I being too sensitive? Cripes

I don't know how any future partners are going to view this? Obviously not planning on dating for months yet but already worrying what they'll think?
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Meyrin
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You're only putting a sticking plaster on things that will be all the more painful when you finally decide to confront them.

You need to rip it off and let it heal.
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moonkatt
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You seriously need to learn not to give a **** about what other people think and just do what you want.

The world won't spin off its axis into oblivion just because you want to save a few happy memories.
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MissDavies
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Personally I don't see anything wrong with it.

I still have letters that my boyfriend from when I was 14 wrote me (nearly 8 years ago) and I still have lots of cards and photos from my last serious relationship as well. I have no feelings for either of these men anymore, it's just nice to look back on. I've been in a happy relationship with my current boyfriend for over 2 years now so clearly it hasn't had any impact. I know some people say that getting rid of all the stuff makes it easier but I'd regret it if I had, once you're over the person I think it's actually quite nice to have memories.
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katywillis
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I think it's more normal to do this than you realise. It certainly doesn't make you less of a 'man', and even if it did, who cares? Future partners should not care unless you are regularly looking at the stuff, flaunting it in front of them, or have built a shrine to your ex in your garden shed.
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suedonim
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(Original post by Riku)
Apparently this makes me less of a man who should have burned this **** weeks ago? Is there something wrong with me for keeping memories? Am I being too sensitive? Cripes

I don't know how any future partners are going to view this? Obviously not planning on dating for months yet but already worrying what they'll think?
No, no and why would you tell them? There would be something odd about discussing it with a new partner.
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rara14
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Don't worry about what anyone else thinks! A year is a long time for a relationship and feelings don't come with an off button. Eventually you'll realise you don't need all those memories and when you're ready to move on you'll be ready to get rid of all that stuff in any way you like. But it doesn't happen overnight and no one can hurry you through this process. Break ups aren't easy and you need to take each step as it comes.

Also in response to the future partner thing; if you still have that box, you aren't ready for another relationship. Don't think about starting one until you have the strength to get rid of it.
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Moura
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mate you need to move on I don't even use the website much and even I know you, I swear you post every thread I click on about this girl
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Riku)
OK yeah, still have feelings for her too much, but...I can't bring myself to burn all this stuff or even bin it . You can't just throw away memories. Like our diary, we have a diary of memories. However it ended we had a good run while it lasted it was a good year.

Apparently this makes me less of a man who should have burned this **** weeks ago? Is there something wrong with me for keeping memories? Am I being too sensitive? Cripes

I don't know how any future partners are going to view this? Obviously not planning on dating for months yet but already worrying what they'll think?
Hi, even though I haven't experienced this, I can appreciate how you feel. I also keep a memory box, and if me and my boyfriend split up I don't think I could throw it away. There's nothing wrong with you, it's totally normal to find it difficult to part with things which are so sentimental and it doesn't mean you are being too sensitive. I see what you mean about future partners though. If my boyfriend kept memory stuff from his previous relationships I might feel a little insecure about it and wonder why he couldn't get rid of it. However, I don't see the harm in keeping it at the moment, but try not to look at it because it will just make you feel worse. Maybe put it at the back of your wardrobe or something. Then when you are in another relationship, you don't need to tell the other person it is there and you might eventually feel like you are ready to throw it away.
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bumblebee342
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(Original post by Riku)
OK yeah, still have feelings for her too much, but...I can't bring myself to burn all this stuff or even bin it . You can't just throw away memories. Like our diary, we have a diary of memories. However it ended we had a good run while it lasted it was a good year.

Apparently this makes me less of a man who should have burned this **** weeks ago? Is there something wrong with me for keeping memories? Am I being too sensitive? Cripes

I don't know how any future partners are going to view this? Obviously not planning on dating for months yet but already worrying what they'll think?
I do think right now that you shouldn't be looking at this stuff, because you need to allow yourself to move on.

However, I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping everything, and so what if people do care, it has nothing to do with anything else. It's not something you need to discuss with future partners, eventually you will be ready to be with someone else and you won't feel the need to look at this stuff.

Just put everything away somewhere, I think once you're over someone it's nice to be able to think back to the good memories.
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Riku
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(Original post by moonkatt)
You seriously need to learn not to give a **** about what other people think and just do what you want.

The world won't spin off its axis into oblivion just because you want to save a few happy memories.
With regards to that, I'm discussing dependency issues such as approval-seeking with my counsellor in our next session. Failing that, with some therapeutic intervention.

I also told them about my…problematic use of TSR and the Internet in general.
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Riku
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(Original post by Meyrin)
You're only putting a sticking plaster on things that will be all the more painful when you finally decide to confront them.

You need to rip it off and let it heal.
Which is? It's over, that doesn't mean in 5 years the events of 2013 never happened and have ceased to be part of my life experience. The memories themselves aren't painful to look at now, although I'm paying too much attention to them. In spite of an unhappy ending, why must I erase good memories? It's a reminder that I have been loved, and am capable of being loved, and know how to love well too. You might disagree with all of this.
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miser
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I keep a memory box with things from my past. It doesn't contain anything from previous relationships, but that's only because I don't have any to speak of. Keeping a few mementos doesn't mean you're clinging to the past - it's just a nice thing to do. Just don't go overboard with it. Stick it in a box and have a look like once a year or something.
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Riku
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(Original post by suedonim)
No, no and why would you tell them? There would be something odd about discussing it with a new partner.
Well let's say that they move in and find the box of memories in my wardrobe, shed or attic. What happens? Am I supposed to burn them? Do they walk out if I don't? Surely it's a similar situation to getting wound up somebody's slept with someone before you?
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Riku
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(Original post by rara14)
Don't worry about what anyone else thinks! A year is a long time for a relationship and feelings don't come with an off button. Eventually you'll realise you don't need all those memories and when you're ready to move on you'll be ready to get rid of all that stuff in any way you like. But it doesn't happen overnight and no one can hurry you through this process. Break ups aren't easy and you need to take each step as it comes.

Also in response to the future partner thing; if you still have that box, you aren't ready for another relationship. Don't think about starting one until you have the strength to get rid of it.
Hmm ok. I'm not sure I agree with you on the second part, but perhaps that just means I'm holding on too tightly. I would like to think that one day, it would be like my old childhood photo albums-the past, a past that can't be changed and integral to who I've become today. But maybe I would need to get rid of it eventually...
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So Instinct
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I did the same thing at one point but it's mostly just a tale tale sign you're not over it. It's easier to move on when you have nothing to look back upon and reminisce.
Saying that though I still have one or two things somewhere.
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art127
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I don't see anything wrong with it. because i do this.
I've had one boyfriend who i'm actually still friends with and was very good friends with before. we had so many good memories before we got together from holidays, college times, parties etc..that i've put everything in a box and stuck it in my attic. (In fact i forgot i had one till i saw this thread!!)

It shows that what you had with her meant something to you and it was good memories.
Some memories aren't worth letting go of. but eventually that box might not mean anything, but i personally don't see it as a problem as long as you don't rub all the memories in the face of a new partner then i don't think they would care, or even that, don't show them, their your own memories.
But do what you want and what feels best for you.


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rara14
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(Original post by Riku)
Hmm ok. I'm not sure I agree with you on the second part, but perhaps that just means I'm holding on too tightly. I would like to think that one day, it would be like my old childhood photo albums-the past, a past that can't be changed and integral to who I've become today. But maybe I would need to get rid of it eventually...
Honestly, coming from a female point of view, if my new boyfriend had a box filled with pictures and diaries of his ex, it would set off warning bells and is a solid indicator that he'd put feelings for her before a new relationship, which is why I think you wouldn't be ready for a new relationship if you're still holding onto it. By all means, go on dates and have fun when you feel ready, I'm not telling you to be celibate until you throw the box out the window, but maybe not a full blown relationship.

Keep that box for as long as you need to, but letting go of memories is a part of letting go and can't be done overnight. Do it in your own time and don't dwell too much on it. Right now you're grieving for something that you've lost; you need time to recover. Then deal with the memories whatever way you need to You will be thinking differently in a few months time and you might find the box having forgotten about it and realise you don't need it anymore. Trust me; we've all been there and it's hard
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Robbie242
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watch the how I met your mother episode where ted keeps all his ex's items, it doesn't work out
yeah its not going to help you get into new meaningful relationships and will make it look like you're clinging onto the past, which girls don't want to see
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yo radical one
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There is nothing wrong with keeping them for the memories dude, but trying to be her friend when that's clearly not what you want (and if you see her with another guy, it will upset you) or sending her a long drawn out goodbye message, that's the stuff you need to stop
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