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Feeling a little resentful towards a long term friend. Watch

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    Anon since people know me on here and would be able to figure out who I'm talking about.

    Right, so I've been friends with this guy for quite a while and he is honestly a very nice person and has always been there to help me in difficult times. Recently though, I've noticed he can be very judgemental/condescending/looking down on people (not just towards me but others as well - maybe he just feels comfortable enough to express what he really thinks) and I don't think he realises that it comes across nasty or I'm telling myself he doesn't mean to be.

    I brought the topic up briefly with a mutual friend who said that he couldn't believe I was just noticing and he's always had that tendency. And reflecting back, I feel this is true though I've only seemed to pick up on it more recently. So on one hand, I feel its unfair leading my friend to be comfortable in his ways and now suddenly having an issue with it. But on the other hand, I can't help but feel annoyed when I remember how he's really been out of order with some comments in the past. I think I could get over that though however I notice him doing it more in present time and now i find myself getting irked over stuff that maybe I wouldn't of found irritating if someone else said it/did it or in the past, it wouldn't have mattered.

    I don't want to bring any of this up with said friend because I feel he has low esteem when it comes to how he is perceived and I feel he would take it to heart (though he'd try not to show it and again I'd feel guilty for having a "problem" after so many years of friendship). I don't think my friend is aware of any of this but may have sensed a shift in my attitude towards him. I try not to show it but perhaps it does anyway. But how do I get this resentment to go? I don't want it there. I can feel myself withdrawing but I don't really want that. I just want my brain to start from a clean slate but I can't help it because the thoughts are there before I know it or every time I tell myself that I'm reading it wrong, something happens that confirms my thoughts.

    Some examples of why lately I find him condescending or like he looks down and judges;
    -He's a really clean OCD type person - place for everything and everything has a place and takes care of all his possessions like they're his babies (lol). I believe in organised messes and am more carefree with matters. I always feel he is judging me on this and he'll pass comments here and there that make me feel inadequate as person because I'm not like him yet I don't question his super-organised ways. Just compliment it if I have to say anything at all. This has always been the case throughout our friendship but in the past, I've just shrugged it off. Now it bugs me.
    -Can act a bit like a know it all and pass his opinions for facts and completely disregard other people's opinions as "silly" or "deluded" even if not as many words as used to express that sentiment.
    -Can make "I don't know how some people...." statement but then he might say something I do and then it's just awkward and I can't tell if that was a genuine foot in mouth moment or on purpose. Sometimes, I just get the feeling he can feel good by putting someone down.

    There's more examples probably but just to give an idea of what I mean. So, how can I get rid of this resentment? Has anyone had similar experiences?
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    All of your examples seem to be quite tenuous. The first one is based on you 'feeling' that he is judging you for not being as organised, and you say he makes comments that make you feel inadequate without specifying whether they're directed at you or not.
    The second sounds like a good old case of benign arrogance, but even here you qualify your assessment by saying that the words you've quoted him as saying aren't actually his, which leaves the impression that you're exaggerating for effect.
    The third is you again interpreting something he says as being a disguised personal attack against you, without being sure.

    From what you've written any of the following are possibilities:

    - He is genuinely trying to put you and others down and isn't very nice
    - You're paranoid and insecure, or
    - You have started to dislike him and are sub-consciously fabricating reasons to justify this dislike and possibly cut off from him even when these reasons are exaggerated/don't exist.
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    (Original post by Birkenhead)
    All of your examples seem to be quite tenuous. The first one is based on you 'feeling' that he is judging you for not being as organised, and you say he makes comments that make you feel inadequate without specifying whether they're directed at you or not.
    The second sounds like a good old case of benign arrogance, but even here you qualify your assessment by saying that the words you've quoted him as saying aren't actually his, which leaves the impression that you're exaggerating for effect.
    The third is you again interpreting something he says as being a disguised personal attack against you, without being sure.

    From what you've written any of the following are possibilities:

    - He is genuinely trying to put you and others down and isn't very nice
    - You're paranoid and insecure, or
    - You have started to dislike him and are sub-consciously fabricating reasons to justify this dislike and possibly cut off from him even when these reasons are exaggerated/don't exist.
    I didn't give further examples since they'd be too person specific however the only reason I've written it to show some doubt is that ofc I can't know for sure if any of those things are intentional on his part. It might just be the way he is. But i do strongly feel there is a judgemental undertone to his behaviours and actions which i don't like for obv reasons whether directed at me or others. It's just unpleasant whether its intentional or unintentional. I don't think he realises how he comes across so I don't want to hold it against him. I just want to not feel the resentment since we've been friends so long you know?

    I don't feel I'm insecure/paranoid. In the past, I think I didn't take much notice because i was insecure and if I felt bad about any comment, I assumed it was my fault somehow so chose to forget about any hurt/irritation. Now I'm in a more confident place and don't think like that.
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    I think that.... you think about what you say and try not to say things that would offend other people. Whereas he seems a bit more carefree, maybe does not think about what he says enough, maybe afterwards he feels bad if he realises someone might have been insulted by it. Or maybe he's quite self centred at this point in his life and does simply not consider that it might offend.

    This is just how he is, and it doesn't mean he is horrible or wants to offend everyone. No one wants everyone to hate them. However if you try to imagine yourself saying some of the things he says, you surely would be deliberately trying to offend them, because the comments sound so blatantly offensive. For him though, that is not the case. So this makes you feel uneasy because it leads you to believe he is nasty, when he doesn't mean any harm.

    I think you are having a normal reaction and you shouldn't think you are wrong or anything. It's a reaction that lets you know you are not compatible with him, not just romantically but for a close friendship as well. You and him have big differences in how you perceive things, and that might lead to confusions and drama if you were to become close friends. You might misunderstand each other and both feel upset or offended, when it was just a misunderstanding.

    Perhaps it would help if you try to see his motivations for saying certain things. The next time he does something like that, instead of telling yourself "he just wants to feel good by making other people feel bad" try "he wants to appear knowledgeable and confident, maybe he is insecure". This fits better with how you said he is a bit sensitive about what people might think of him.

    If he says a "I don't know how some people can...." statement, and it's something you do, in your situation I would shyly say "oh! I do that! I feel a bit embarrassed because I do that. But actually, I do it because it helps for [insert valid reasoning to help him understand why]". When he said the statement, he was probably not actually trying to consider why people might want to do whatever it is, but is thinking about himself and the impression he wants to make on his peers. So by drawing the attention away from him and on to you, you are showing him that his statement did not get him the attention he wanted, it just made the people involved think about themselves and possibly give them negative emotions. He will not pick up on this the first time, or the second, but over time maybe he will see things more realistically.
 
 
 
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