Year 12s: what will be the first way you research your future options? >>

Please native English speakers help me with my essay

Hi ,
I want you to read my essay and make corrections , comments if necessary . I will be very grateful and will appreciate it. Thanks in advance for your time and advices on what to correct. This is very important , in fact it is a personal statement which must be submitted to school , to cut it short I need this for school enrollment . English isn't my native language and I think something may not seem natural or whatever . I don't even live in an English speaking country .So thanks again and of course , I won't hesitate to give you the best answer.
It's only one page , unfortunately I couldn't upload the word document here , so I uploaded it on speedyshare .http://www.speedyshare.com/cCMxs/Essay.d...

This is what they ask:
Describe the world you come from – for example, your family, community or school – and tell us how your world has influenced your development into who you are.

Why you can succeed in life.
It is supposed to be 600 words .