Dilemma - I think I love two people at once.

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#1
Hi, so here's some background information:

I'm final year, male, straight. Basically, in first and second year of uni I was dating this girl. I fell immediately in love with her, I thought she was great. We are both fairly intelligent, and could have great chats about almost anything. On top of that, the sex was great.

I found out after about a year and a half together that she had cheated on me. Towards the end, she had grown close to another guy, and they had become intimate. It hurt like hell, and I couldn't believe she'd done it as I'd always treated her well.

Over time, the pain subsided and I became engrossed in other things. Mainly fitness related, but this also included a few too many one night stands, during some of which my behavior was shameful.

About halfway through my final year, I started seeing this new girl. She is attractive, intelligent, and, again, the sex is great. I like her, but I just don't feel the same about her as I did my ex. I was sure that with my ex, she would be the one I would eventually marry and have kids with, and to an extent I still feel this way.

Lately my ex has gotten back in touch, wants to hang out more and keeps asking me out for drinks and food. I am fairly confident I could win her back - she has not had a boyfriend since me, and I'm in much better shape than I was back then. I've also more matured a lot, even though I've, in some respects, become a much more immoral person.

Should I stay with this great girl I'm with now, and see if my affection for her develops, or give things another go with my ex, for whom I still have this passion, even though I doubt I will ever fully trust her?

Many thanks for anyone with a sensible, helpful answer. No 'lad' responses telling me to 'stop being a pussy' please.
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Jackass.
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#2
Report 6 years ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, so here's some background information:

I'm final year, male, straight. Basically, in first and second year of uni I was dating this girl. I fell immediately in love with her, I thought she was great. We are both fairly intelligent, and could have great chats about almost anything. On top of that, the sex was great.

I found out after about a year and a half together that she had cheated on me. Towards the end, she had grown close to another guy, and they had become intimate. It hurt like hell, and I couldn't believe she'd done it as I'd always treated her well.

Over time, the pain subsided and I became engrossed in other things. Mainly fitness related, but this also included a few too many one night stands, during some of which my behavior was shameful.

About halfway through my final year, I started seeing this new girl. She is attractive, intelligent, and, again, the sex is great. I like her, but I just don't feel the same about her as I did my ex. I was sure that with my ex, she would be the one I would eventually marry and have kids with, and to an extent I still feel this way.

Lately my ex has gotten back in touch, wants to hang out more and keeps asking me out for drinks and food. I am fairly confident I could win her back - she has not had a boyfriend since me, and I'm in much better shape than I was back then. I've also more matured a lot, even though I've, in some respects, become a much more immoral person.

Should I stay with this great girl I'm with now, and see if my affection for her develops, or give things another go with my ex, for whom I still have this passion, even though I doubt I will ever fully trust her?

Many thanks for anyone with a sensible, helpful answer. No 'lad' responses telling me to 'stop being a pussy' please.
Would you feel comfortable marrying a girl and having kids with her without being able to trust her? Trust is essential if you're going to have a healthy relationship. If she didn't have enough respect for you before to cheat on you, there's no reason why she might not do that again. Maybe you're thinking twice about this ex because of the memories, you might well have got on great but if there's no trust and seemingly no respect on her half then it's just about moving on. Being in much better shape should have nothing to do with it, regardless of physique your other half should respect you. You should stay with this new girl and see what happens in my opinion, she sounds nice and appears to respect you alot more. Who knows, maybe as you become closer you'll learn that you do connect just as well as with the ex. You may have done some immoral stuff but that doesn't justify going back with her, don't lower yourself to her find someone who makes you a better person.
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barmutlu1
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#3
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Its not fair on ur new girlfriend to just dump her for ur ex who cheated on you, I think u need some time alone without being together with anyone to reassess the situation and ur feelings towards both of them, maybe ur feelings towards ur current date will develop..

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txo
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#4
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#4
How much do you like the new girl?
Can you trust the old girl? Can you really trust her?
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joker12345
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#5
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You are still holding a flame for her after more that a year (it sounds like?), I'd say give it another go - but only if she's willing to put the effort in, don't talk of 'winning her back', it's more down to her to win you and prove her trust to you. People do make mistakes and can change and sometimes things can be forgotten and you can rebuild a happy relationship.
There's no point in pursuing things with someone if you feel wrong about it, no matter how 'great' they are.
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bumblebee342
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#6
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, so here's some background information:

I'm final year, male, straight. Basically, in first and second year of uni I was dating this girl. I fell immediately in love with her, I thought she was great. We are both fairly intelligent, and could have great chats about almost anything. On top of that, the sex was great.

I found out after about a year and a half together that she had cheated on me. Towards the end, she had grown close to another guy, and they had become intimate. It hurt like hell, and I couldn't believe she'd done it as I'd always treated her well.

Over time, the pain subsided and I became engrossed in other things. Mainly fitness related, but this also included a few too many one night stands, during some of which my behavior was shameful.

About halfway through my final year, I started seeing this new girl. She is attractive, intelligent, and, again, the sex is great. I like her, but I just don't feel the same about her as I did my ex. I was sure that with my ex, she would be the one I would eventually marry and have kids with, and to an extent I still feel this way.

Lately my ex has gotten back in touch, wants to hang out more and keeps asking me out for drinks and food. I am fairly confident I could win her back - she has not had a boyfriend since me, and I'm in much better shape than I was back then. I've also more matured a lot, even though I've, in some respects, become a much more immoral person.

Should I stay with this great girl I'm with now, and see if my affection for her develops, or give things another go with my ex, for whom I still have this passion, even though I doubt I will ever fully trust her?

Many thanks for anyone with a sensible, helpful answer. No 'lad' responses telling me to 'stop being a pussy' please.
Personally I'd say no, it wouldn't be a good idea to go back to your ex. You've said yourself that you don't think you'd trust her fully, and that's a huge deal - if you're in a relationship with someone, you should be confident that you trust them.
I'd also think about how much you like the girl you're with now though, and where you see it going. If it's likely that you're still hung up on your ex and your feelings aren't going anywhere, it's not very fair on her considering she could end up hurt...
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joker12345
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(Original post by barmutlu1)
Its not fair on ur new girlfriend to just dump her for ur ex who cheated on you, I think u need some time alone without being together with anyone to reassess the situation and ur feelings towards both of them, maybe ur feelings towards ur current date will develop..

Posted from TSR Mobile
It's not exactly fair on his new girlfriend for him to string her along whilst not feeling they have a future together and holding a flame for his ex.
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livethelife
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#8
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EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE !!!!!!!!!!GIve her a chance
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lou_100
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#9
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This probably isn't what you want to hear, but being with either of these girls doesn't sound right. It doesn't have to be either/or. Your ex betrayed your trust and hurt you. You don't do that to someone you love. This wasn't just a drunken kiss in a club that she feels awful about, this was a properly ongoing and intimate thing with another guy that she snuck around with and kept from you.

On the other hand, how do you think your new girlfriend would feel if she knew you didn't feel much passion for her and were still in love with your ex? I don't think she'd be too thrilled about being with you, and she might even feel like you've betrayed her trust by considering leaving her for someone else. I personally wouldn't want to be the girl a guy stays with just because he things its the smarter option than being with someone else. I want to be the girl a guy wants to be with over anyone else, not just because he doesn't want to be alone or whatever.

So, basically I'm saying going back to your ex will, in the long run, probably be a disaster. But it sounds like you need to be on your own for a bit, sort your head out, and hopefully a girl will come along in the next couple years who is perfect, faithful, passionate and sparks something in you not even your first girlfriend did.
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awe
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#10
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OP, don't go back to your ex. As someone who has continued in a relationship within which one has cheated whilst they were not in love 'yet', I can tell you it's incredibly difficult and eats away at you - I can't even imagine what it must be like with the 'crime' having been committed whilst in love and already firmly together. I don't think anyone is worth that kind of forgiveness. I really believe you should grit your teeth, and as silly as it sounds, deny your heart on this one. You deserve more than years of paranoia and arguments about trust - and believe me, that is what will come. You will very likely develop habits that will make you hate yourself but you won't be able to stop them or still the bad thoughts for a very long time, if ever. You will both become frustrated and enraged and wonder whether you did the right thing at all by getting back together. It's a really self-destructive journey, trying to overcome something like this. And as I say, I did it all in an 'easier' circumstance.

I don't know if you should stay with your current girlfriend, though. I think you absolutely need some time to yourself. It sounds like you went straight from this great relationship and heartbreak and into another relationship fairly quickly, and so understandably you didn't fully overcome the feelings for the first girl. I think you need to take the time out to do that, to be happy with yourself as a single guy not needing 'closure' or to sleep around, just not being in a hurry to be with others quite as much. I think if you learn to appreciate yourself 'alone' a little bit more you will take a big step into moving on from this ex.
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polscistudent88
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi, so here's some background information:

I'm final year, male, straight. Basically, in first and second year of uni I was dating this girl. I fell immediately in love with her, I thought she was great. We are both fairly intelligent, and could have great chats about almost anything. On top of that, the sex was great.

I found out after about a year and a half together that she had cheated on me. Towards the end, she had grown close to another guy, and they had become intimate. It hurt like hell, and I couldn't believe she'd done it as I'd always treated her well.

Over time, the pain subsided and I became engrossed in other things. Mainly fitness related, but this also included a few too many one night stands, during some of which my behavior was shameful.

About halfway through my final year, I started seeing this new girl. She is attractive, intelligent, and, again, the sex is great. I like her, but I just don't feel the same about her as I did my ex. I was sure that with my ex, she would be the one I would eventually marry and have kids with, and to an extent I still feel this way.

Lately my ex has gotten back in touch, wants to hang out more and keeps asking me out for drinks and food. I am fairly confident I could win her back - she has not had a boyfriend since me, and I'm in much better shape than I was back then. I've also more matured a lot, even though I've, in some respects, become a much more immoral person.

Should I stay with this great girl I'm with now, and see if my affection for her develops, or give things another go with my ex, for whom I still have this passion, even though I doubt I will ever fully trust her?

Many thanks for anyone with a sensible, helpful answer. No 'lad' responses telling me to 'stop being a pussy' please.
Was your ex the first girl you really loved? Because if that is the case, you should take into account that first loves tend to leave a trace, a scar. So the feeling you have for her might be more based on that than on other factors. Also consider that time is important: with your ex you have spent a lot of time, while you didn't (yet) with the new girl (at least if I got it right). So I wouldn't try to have back someone who cheated on me when everything was going great (what if something starts being less perfect in the future?)... Give the new girl the time and the (real) opportunity to show you what it might be with her (unless you are with her only because "it was the best option", if you get what I mean).
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elpistolero7
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#12
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Don't give the cheater another chance.

I repeat, don't give the cheater another chance.

Have I made myself clear yet?

Initially, a new relationship can't compare to the peak of being in love in a previous long term one, you know? Give it time though, it'll get there. I had similar feelings when I started dating a new girl 6 months back, about 4 months after my long term girlfriend cheated on me. I kept thinking "this just doesn't feel like how things were with the ex"...but its an unfair comparison, mainly due to the time frames.

The ex cheated but you were in love...maybe you haven't been together with the new girl long enough to have fallen in love with her? Also, sometimes when you get nostalgic about an old relationship, you tend to remember the good times more often than the bad. Heck even if times were mostly good, even great, she ****ing cheated on you man, how the hell can you let that slide? Its a lot deeper than just a shag...its not considering your feelings enough, being overly selfish and a ton of other issues. You don't want someone like that in your life.

Also, don't give the cheater another chance.
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Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 6 years ago
#13
OP here. Thanks, some really helpful insights. I'll need to mull this over, but I think it would be self-destructive of me to try and be with my ex again. I haven't developed love for my current girlfriend yet, but I do care a great deal about her, and treat her very well. I should see whether this turns into love, rather than throw away the chance to have something worthwhile. Hopefully my ex can become just an occasional remembrance, rather than someone I think about and yearn for every day. If, for whatever reason, I can't get this crap out of my head, maybe I do just need to be alone and focus on studies and then a career.
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