Can someone mark this AQA English language Q1 for me? Thanks.

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Hamobro
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Hello, I am a grade B student working towards that A which I will hopefully achieve. My mocks have shown me that Question 1 is my weakest as I do not spend enough time on it and it doesn't seem to effect my grade that much - but it did. It will be very nice for someone to mark this Question 1 for me, I am open to criticisms, just no harsh language and all. Thanks.

Side note: this is from November 2013 paper, Source 1 of course.

In source one the 'sheer joy' is presented as being destroyed by man made structures like buildings. The first two paragraphs describe children's joy as being only indoors and not the adventure of the outside. The writer tells us that in previous generations of children they tend to be more adventurous and outgoing, as the explore the wilderness and seek fun with their peers, however in this generation children tend to be amazed and entertained by the television screens and gadgets that they have indoors.

Furthermore, in the third and forth paragraph the write is informing us about the consequences of not letting children outdoors as Moody tells us it "weaker immune system" if they do not experience the outdoors more and which can inevitably cause issues in later life. Also, Moody tells us the true fact of parents being scared of letting children outdoors, he says "more likely to injure themselves falling out of their bed than a tree", this sentence shows us that the indoors can be more harming to children; with multiple fire hazards, fall damage and electric shocks from all the gadgets and materialism they use.

Later on in the source in paragraph 5, the write, Moody informs us about previous generations spending more time outdoors and the benefits of this as he says "it's amazing" . Moreover in the paragraph he tells us about this generation of children being worried about going into the country side with their friends, evidence of this is when he asked a child and they said "I don't go to the country side...they were almost frightened of the experience".

Lastly, in the last paragraph the writer gives us a conclusion about this generation of children do not go outdoors and the lack of workers with children to help them know the outdoors.

* Spent 15min on this question, more than I usually do.
Thanks again.
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Sulfur
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(Original post by Hamobro)
Hello, I am a grade B student working towards that A which I will hopefully achieve. My mocks have shown me that Question 1 is my weakest as I do not spend enough time on it and it doesn't seem to effect my grade that much - but it did. It will be very nice for someone to mark this Question 1 for me, I am open to criticisms, just no harsh language and all. Thanks.

Side note: this is from November 2013 paper, Source 1 of course.

In source one the 'sheer joy' is presented as being destroyed by man made structures like buildings. The first two paragraphs describe (the) children's joy as being only indoors and not the adventure of the outside. The writer tells us that in previous generations (generation, not plural) of children they tend to be more adventurous and outgoing, as they explore the wilderness and seek fun with their peers, however in this generation, children tend to be amazed and entertained by their television screens and gadgets that they have indoors.

Furthermore, in the third and forth paragraph the writer is informing us about the consequences of not letting children outdoors as Moody tells us it "weaker immune system" (I'd rephrase this to: the writer informs us about the consequences of not letting children go outdoors because it "weakens the immune system". This means that... if they do not experience the outdoors more this can inevitably cause issues later on in life.) Also, Moody explains that due to the fact of parents being scared of letting children outdoors, they will "more likely to injure themselves falling out of their bed than a tree", this sentence shows us that the indoors can be more harming to children; with multiple fire hazards, fall damage and electric shocks from all the gadgets and materialism they use.

Furthermore, in paragraph 5 Moody informs us about previous generations spending more time outdoors and the benefits that this leads to as he says "it's amazing". Moreover, he tells us about this generation of children being worried about going into the country side with their friends as shown by him speaking to a child and they said "I don't go to the country side... they were almost frightened of the experience".

Lastly, in the final paragraph the writer concludes that this generation of children do not go outdoors and the lack of workers with children to help them know the outdoors.

* Spent 15min on this question, more than I usually do.
Thanks again.

I don't know what source 1 was nor do I have the question, but if I was to analyse the general response I think that it would be at the lower end of a B/upper C. This is only my opinion, but there is a lack of explanation and the analysis is quite vague.

Your first point was good, it was simple and included evidence and was straight to the point - but then your next sentences didn't really link to it at all, despite the explanation being quite good.

Your second point was good as well, but your explanation was all over the place. Your analysis at the bottom is correct, but you should link the quote of Moody to the effect that it has, he's being humorous and saying that this current generation will not experience real risk of the outdoors, but the false risk of being inside. Also, you don't have to keep saying 'The writer, Moody' just mention 'the writer' or 'Moody'.

Finally, your last point is a good comparison with relevant evidence that would easily be an A grade paragraph, but you're not explaining your points well enough. You're mentioning the obvious and not being perceptive by going on and on about what it means and linking it to your question. You could've done this if you were to remove that last paragraph as that tells us nothing - it would've been a good conclusion but you've started it as another explanation (when concluding, you're best of saying 'In conclusion' or 'overall' to make it clear in my opinion).

Follow the rule of PEE. Point (1 sentence) Evidence (which can be included in your point paragraph or your explanation, it's just "quote" and that's it) and then Explanation (3+ long sentences). Try to include the effect that the reader has on you, what he/she are trying to say and what literary devices they use (such as humour, asserting certain points etc). That'll easily get you the marks you need for an A.
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Hamobro
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(Original post by Sulfur)
I don't know what source 1 was nor do I have the question, but if I was to analyse the general response I think that it would be at the lower end of a B/upper C. This is only my opinion, but there is a lack of explanation and the analysis is quite vague.

Your first point was good, it was simple and included evidence and was straight to the point - but then your next sentences didn't really link to it at all, despite the explanation being quite good.

Your second point was good as well, but your explanation was all over the place. Your analysis at the bottom is correct, but you should link the quote of Moody to the effect that it has, he's being humorous and saying that this current generation will not experience real risk of the outdoors, but the false risk of being inside. Also, you don't have to keep saying 'The writer, Moody' just mention 'the writer' or 'Moody'.

Finally, your last point is a good comparison with relevant evidence that would easily be an A grade paragraph, but you're not explaining your points well enough. You're mentioning the obvious and not being perceptive by going on and on about what it means and linking it to your question. You could've done this if you were to remove that last paragraph as that tells us nothing - it would've been a good conclusion but you've started it as another explanation (when concluding, you're best of saying 'In conclusion' or 'overall' to make it clear in my opinion).

Follow the rule of PEE. Point (1 sentence) Evidence (which can be included in your point paragraph or your explanation, it's just "quote" and that's it) and then Explanation (3+ long sentences). Try to include the effect that the reader has on you, what he/she are trying to say and what literary devices they use (such as humour, asserting certain points etc). That'll easily get you the marks you need for an A.
Thanks for the opinion, and I will take it into consideration, but may I ask, in the teacher notes and mark scheme it says i need to embed quotes and put it into my own words, and Im not 100% sure on that.
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Sulfur
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(Original post by Hamobro)
Thanks for the opinion, and I will take it into consideration, but may I ask, in the teacher notes and mark scheme it says i need to embed quotes and put it into my own words, and Im not 100% sure on that.
Putting quotes into your own words is simply rewriting it. For example:

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light."

When you rewrite a quote, you pick out the key words:

During, darkest moments, focus, to see, light

Then you simply find other words for them, during is a tense in the moment, so another word could be when. Darkest moments are points where we see no hope, so they're low points. To focus is to concentrate, and keep at something. To see is to move on and finally light is something positive, so a new opportunity could be used here.

I rewrote it to this: The writer explains that "when we reach a low point in our lives, we shouldn't be put down by it but move on and keep at it until a good opportunity arises".

You can do plenty of these for practise from this website, just rewrite them! Website: http://www.brainyquote.com


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voxdock
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(Original post by Hamobro)
Hello, I am a grade B student working towards that A which I will hopefully achieve. My mocks have shown me that Question 1 is my weakest as I do not spend enough time on it and it doesn't seem to effect my grade that much - but it did. It will be very nice for someone to mark this Question 1 for me, I am open to criticisms, just no harsh language and all. Thanks.

Side note: this is from November 2013 paper, Source 1 of course.

In source one the 'sheer joy' is presented as being destroyed by man made structures like buildings. The first two paragraphs describe children's joy as being only indoors and not the adventure of the outside. The writer tells us that in previous generations of children they tend to be more adventurous and outgoing, as the explore the wilderness and seek fun with their peers, however in this generation children tend to be amazed and entertained by the television screens and gadgets that they have indoors.

Furthermore, in the third and forth paragraph the write is informing us about the consequences of not letting children outdoors as Moody tells us it "weaker immune system" if they do not experience the outdoors more and which can inevitably cause issues in later life. Also, Moody tells us the true fact of parents being scared of letting children outdoors, he says "more likely to injure themselves falling out of their bed than a tree", this sentence shows us that the indoors can be more harming to children; with multiple fire hazards, fall damage and electric shocks from all the gadgets and materialism they use.

Later on in the source in paragraph 5, the write, Moody informs us about previous generations spending more time outdoors and the benefits of this as he says "it's amazing" . Moreover in the paragraph he tells us about this generation of children being worried about going into the country side with their friends, evidence of this is when he asked a child and they said "I don't go to the country side...they were almost frightened of the experience".

Lastly, in the last paragraph the writer gives us a conclusion about this generation of children do not go outdoors and the lack of workers with children to help them know the outdoors.

* Spent 15min on this question, more than I usually do.
Thanks again.
OMG I recognised this! then I realised its cause I sat this exam back in November...
Anyway, what you're saying is good, keep up the frequent quoting, but I would say you probably need to write a bit more. You should be aiming to write 1.5-2 sides for questions 1-3. As this stands, I think the most you''ll get is a 5-6, write a bit more and that could go up to a 7-8.

Good luck in the exam!
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Hamobro
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(Original post by voxdock)
OMG I recognised this! then I realised its cause I sat this exam back in November...
Anyway, what you're saying is good, keep up the frequent quoting, but I would say you probably need to write a bit more. You should be aiming to write 1.5-2 sides for questions 1-3. As this stands, I think the most you''ll get is a 5-6, write a bit more and that could go up to a 7-8.

Good luck in the exam!
Thanks very much and good luck in all your other exams!
And just a simple questions, What would be more healthy in the exam, writing more in a few questions and losing time OR stick to time and just write as much as I can within the 2 Hours (15 mins reading)?
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Hamobro
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(Original post by AlphaNick)
I would say 5 or 6 out of 8.

Don't quote large chunks of text, try to only quote one to five words from the source - you're marked on interpreting and summarising, not copying.

You need to identify the 'ironic fact' which always appears every exam paper - highlight this by saying "this source surprisingly states that you are more likely to be injured in bed..."
Thanks, and I would keep in mind the 'ironic fact', that seems like a Band 4 interpretation.
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voxdock
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(Original post by Hamobro)
Thanks very much and good luck in all your other exams!
And just a simple questions, What would be more healthy in the exam, writing more in a few questions and losing time OR stick to time and just write as much as I can within the 2 Hours (15 mins reading)?
Thanks you too!
Honestly I would say consistency is better, so stick to time for each question and write as much as possible. but forget the reading time, schools tell to do it, the same way the tell you to annotate the sources, but IMO its a load of ********! just annotate sources as you're reading through them, like read, quote, make a point, read a bit more etc

and for the writing q's, the same applies, plan as you go. Think a bit before you start writing so you know where you're going, but dont devote 5 mins to a plan-just write, and then let your next paragraph follow on. This also helps you avoid lots of disjointed paragraphs.

Seriously, it may be good advice, and by all means, if you like plans, then do them. Just IMO if you spend 15mins reading, and 5 mins planning for each of the last two q's suddenly thats 25mins-and that's an awful lot of lost writing time.

Again good luck!, you'll need it if it turns out anything like the language when my year sat it in November...
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Hamobro
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(Original post by voxdock)
Thanks you too!
Honestly I would say consistency is better, so stick to time for each question and write as much as possible. but forget the reading time, schools tell to do it, the same way the tell you to annotate the sources, but IMO its a load of ********! just annotate sources as you're reading through them, like read, quote, make a point, read a bit more etc

and for the writing q's, the same applies, plan as you go. Think a bit before you start writing so you know where you're going, but dont devote 5 mins to a plan-just write, and then let your next paragraph follow on. This also helps you avoid lots of disjointed paragraphs.

Seriously, it may be good advice, and by all means, if you like plans, then do them. Just IMO if you spend 15mins reading, and 5 mins planning for each of the last two q's suddenly thats 25mins-and that's an awful lot of lost writing time.

Again good luck!, you'll need it if it turns out anything like the language when my year sat it in November...
Thanks for the tip, Ill keep it in mind. Thanks
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pbunny
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Try watching these videos they really helped me last year when i took the exam:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYERMuLXQtA
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