Depressed FwB/Best friend...
Hi guys,
Bit of help would be greatly appreciated.
My very good friend has been depressed for some time now, however a major depressive episode was triggered when a childhood friend died. Our relationship is quite intense (it's actually slightly romantically complicated, he was originally supposed to be my FwB but our relationship is so intense that it's kinda hard to see any boundaries) and we see each other every couple of days now. Recently exams are coming up at uni and he hasn't prepared for them at all. He's started to get panic attacks and is constantly stressed and anxious. he hasn't been sleeping. The only time he relaxes a bit and can sleep without ibuprofen is around me (but he still falls asleep at 6am rather than a reasonable time).
I love him dearly, and want to help him be better. I've encouraged him to go to counselling which he does now, and he is making an appointment with the doctor this week to see if he can go on meds. He probably won't attend his exams. I try very hard to make him feel better but he told me it sometimes frustrates him because he wishes it was something as simple as just being annoyed at me, but it's not.
I do try most of the time to say to myself it's his illness, and not me or him. But with my exams coming up as well i'm finding the pressure extremely hard to cope with, and no-one really understands our situation enough to help me properly.
Can anyone relate here, or help me out? Sorry for longish post.
Meg x
Bit of help would be greatly appreciated.
My very good friend has been depressed for some time now, however a major depressive episode was triggered when a childhood friend died. Our relationship is quite intense (it's actually slightly romantically complicated, he was originally supposed to be my FwB but our relationship is so intense that it's kinda hard to see any boundaries) and we see each other every couple of days now. Recently exams are coming up at uni and he hasn't prepared for them at all. He's started to get panic attacks and is constantly stressed and anxious. he hasn't been sleeping. The only time he relaxes a bit and can sleep without ibuprofen is around me (but he still falls asleep at 6am rather than a reasonable time).
I love him dearly, and want to help him be better. I've encouraged him to go to counselling which he does now, and he is making an appointment with the doctor this week to see if he can go on meds. He probably won't attend his exams. I try very hard to make him feel better but he told me it sometimes frustrates him because he wishes it was something as simple as just being annoyed at me, but it's not.
I do try most of the time to say to myself it's his illness, and not me or him. But with my exams coming up as well i'm finding the pressure extremely hard to cope with, and no-one really understands our situation enough to help me properly.
Can anyone relate here, or help me out? Sorry for longish post.
Meg x
There's an awful lot going on here.
My main bit of advice would be: remember you cannot solve all the problems here. You are his girlfriend (and I think you should 'upgrade' your relationship to full-on boyfriend/girlfriend but I'll get to that in a minute) not his therapist. Depression isn't something that can easily be cured and, let's face it, he isn't going to do well in his exams. You need to find a way of being there for him without feeling responsible for him. You've got your own exams coming up too.
It's important to be realistic. If he's truly got clinical depression (I say this as someone who has had depression and quite a lot of counselling) then he is going to be like this for a while. You should be honest with yourself and him about how much exposure to his pain you can cope with. If you give permission to yourself just to be present with him, rather than trying to help him, that might take some of the pressure off.
Your relationship with him isn't a FWB situation. You say you 'love him dearly' and I'm sure he reciprocates but you need to make this explicit because clearly things are now serious between you. So you need to protect yourself - if in fact he still sees you as primarily a friend then you deserve to know that. Especially if you are really taking his concerns to heart.
Supporting partners with mental illness is an epic challenge. Perhaps because of it you may want to visit the student counselling service yourself, even if it's only for a few weeks. Talking through some of the stuff you're going through might really help. Finally, there are lots of online resources for people in your situation - do look at these (they are all a Google search away) because I suspect that might be reassuring to you if you don't get many replies here.
Good luck x
My main bit of advice would be: remember you cannot solve all the problems here. You are his girlfriend (and I think you should 'upgrade' your relationship to full-on boyfriend/girlfriend but I'll get to that in a minute) not his therapist. Depression isn't something that can easily be cured and, let's face it, he isn't going to do well in his exams. You need to find a way of being there for him without feeling responsible for him. You've got your own exams coming up too.
It's important to be realistic. If he's truly got clinical depression (I say this as someone who has had depression and quite a lot of counselling) then he is going to be like this for a while. You should be honest with yourself and him about how much exposure to his pain you can cope with. If you give permission to yourself just to be present with him, rather than trying to help him, that might take some of the pressure off.
Your relationship with him isn't a FWB situation. You say you 'love him dearly' and I'm sure he reciprocates but you need to make this explicit because clearly things are now serious between you. So you need to protect yourself - if in fact he still sees you as primarily a friend then you deserve to know that. Especially if you are really taking his concerns to heart.
Supporting partners with mental illness is an epic challenge. Perhaps because of it you may want to visit the student counselling service yourself, even if it's only for a few weeks. Talking through some of the stuff you're going through might really help. Finally, there are lots of online resources for people in your situation - do look at these (they are all a Google search away) because I suspect that might be reassuring to you if you don't get many replies here.
Good luck x
Original post by Lotus_Eater
There's an awful lot going on here.
My main bit of advice would be: remember you cannot solve all the problems here. You are his girlfriend (and I think you should 'upgrade' your relationship to full-on boyfriend/girlfriend but I'll get to that in a minute) not his therapist. Depression isn't something that can easily be cured and, let's face it, he isn't going to do well in his exams. You need to find a way of being there for him without feeling responsible for him. You've got your own exams coming up too.
It's important to be realistic. If he's truly got clinical depression (I say this as someone who has had depression and quite a lot of counselling) then he is going to be like this for a while. You should be honest with yourself and him about how much exposure to his pain you can cope with. If you give permission to yourself just to be present with him, rather than trying to help him, that might take some of the pressure off.
Your relationship with him isn't a FWB situation. You say you 'love him dearly' and I'm sure he reciprocates but you need to make this explicit because clearly things are now serious between you. So you need to protect yourself - if in fact he still sees you as primarily a friend then you deserve to know that. Especially if you are really taking his concerns to heart.
Supporting partners with mental illness is an epic challenge. Perhaps because of it you may want to visit the student counselling service yourself, even if it's only for a few weeks. Talking through some of the stuff you're going through might really help. Finally, there are lots of online resources for people in your situation - do look at these (they are all a Google search away) because I suspect that might be reassuring to you if you don't get many replies here.
Good luck x
My main bit of advice would be: remember you cannot solve all the problems here. You are his girlfriend (and I think you should 'upgrade' your relationship to full-on boyfriend/girlfriend but I'll get to that in a minute) not his therapist. Depression isn't something that can easily be cured and, let's face it, he isn't going to do well in his exams. You need to find a way of being there for him without feeling responsible for him. You've got your own exams coming up too.
It's important to be realistic. If he's truly got clinical depression (I say this as someone who has had depression and quite a lot of counselling) then he is going to be like this for a while. You should be honest with yourself and him about how much exposure to his pain you can cope with. If you give permission to yourself just to be present with him, rather than trying to help him, that might take some of the pressure off.
Your relationship with him isn't a FWB situation. You say you 'love him dearly' and I'm sure he reciprocates but you need to make this explicit because clearly things are now serious between you. So you need to protect yourself - if in fact he still sees you as primarily a friend then you deserve to know that. Especially if you are really taking his concerns to heart.
Supporting partners with mental illness is an epic challenge. Perhaps because of it you may want to visit the student counselling service yourself, even if it's only for a few weeks. Talking through some of the stuff you're going through might really help. Finally, there are lots of online resources for people in your situation - do look at these (they are all a Google search away) because I suspect that might be reassuring to you if you don't get many replies here.
Good luck x
Lotus, i can't thank you enough for your reply. It means a lot you invested so much time in your answer.
I'll try and answer bit by bit like you have. Firstly, thank you for telling me that. The kind of person i am means that i think that i should be able and have to solve everyone's problems who are close to me.
As far as 'upgrading' the relationship is concerned, he's told me multiple times that he can't be in a relationship (this is due to a mixture of factors; very damaging past relationship, his mental condition and the fact he says he can't cope with intense emotions at all right now (he only started having feelings of jealousy - irrational jealousy at that, which i have experienced myself so i could relate to him. I was glad he could talk about being jealous of another guy and me to me.) I think i need to find the balance between listening and helping, which i'm finding majorly hard to do. It's hard for me not to do nothing, but i will try.
I have thought about going to counselling again (i did in the past because of trust, self esteem and jealousy issues with a previous boyfriend) but I just sometimes don't feel like my situation is important enough to solicit help again. I do try and cope on my own a lot of the time, and manage. Just times like this when it's hard.
May i keep in contact with you? x
First of all i would like to say don't lose hope,You should perhaps concentrate on your exams! I know that you love him and want the best however you must not lose yourself in all of this. You just need to give him time, he is in a recovery mode and you need to consider that. As hard as it is you should carry on if you feel that there is something worth staying for. When things get hard for me i think about everybody else in the world and compare there situation to mines, i realise that infact i have it alot easier, things in life are tough but you have put yourself first and then think about it. I hope everything goes well for you x
Original post by sid4
First of all i would like to say don't lose hope,You should perhaps concentrate on your exams! I know that you love him and want the best however you must not lose yourself in all of this. You just need to give him time, he is in a recovery mode and you need to consider that. As hard as it is you should carry on if you feel that there is something worth staying for. When things get hard for me i think about everybody else in the world and compare there situation to mines, i realise that infact i have it alot easier, things in life are tough but you have put yourself first and then think about it. I hope everything goes well for you x
Thank you Sid
I try to never lose hope with him because he means so much to me. I doubt I will ever give up or lose all hope, thankfully. I do try & give him time and j will try harder to do that. I know I can't expect him to be better in a day! But as you may know it is hard. Your words are invaluable to me. Thanks again ^_^ x
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by megara
Lotus, i can't thank you enough for your reply. It means a lot you invested so much time in your answer.
I'll try and answer bit by bit like you have. Firstly, thank you for telling me that. The kind of person i am means that i think that i should be able and have to solve everyone's problems who are close to me.
As far as 'upgrading' the relationship is concerned, he's told me multiple times that he can't be in a relationship (this is due to a mixture of factors; very damaging past relationship, his mental condition and the fact he says he can't cope with intense emotions at all right now (he only started having feelings of jealousy - irrational jealousy at that, which i have experienced myself so i could relate to him. I was glad he could talk about being jealous of another guy and me to me.) I think i need to find the balance between listening and helping, which i'm finding majorly hard to do. It's hard for me not to do nothing, but i will try.
I have thought about going to counselling again (i did in the past because of trust, self esteem and jealousy issues with a previous boyfriend) but I just sometimes don't feel like my situation is important enough to solicit help again. I do try and cope on my own a lot of the time, and manage. Just times like this when it's hard.
May i keep in contact with you? x
I'll try and answer bit by bit like you have. Firstly, thank you for telling me that. The kind of person i am means that i think that i should be able and have to solve everyone's problems who are close to me.
As far as 'upgrading' the relationship is concerned, he's told me multiple times that he can't be in a relationship (this is due to a mixture of factors; very damaging past relationship, his mental condition and the fact he says he can't cope with intense emotions at all right now (he only started having feelings of jealousy - irrational jealousy at that, which i have experienced myself so i could relate to him. I was glad he could talk about being jealous of another guy and me to me.) I think i need to find the balance between listening and helping, which i'm finding majorly hard to do. It's hard for me not to do nothing, but i will try.
I have thought about going to counselling again (i did in the past because of trust, self esteem and jealousy issues with a previous boyfriend) but I just sometimes don't feel like my situation is important enough to solicit help again. I do try and cope on my own a lot of the time, and manage. Just times like this when it's hard.
May i keep in contact with you? x
You're welcome and yes, feel free to PM anytime.
Maybe it would be better if we all thought of counselling like going to the GP. You go to your doctor if you've got a persistent sore throat but also if you're worried about cancer. Likewise you can go to counselling when depressed, but it might also be appropriate to help with less serious things too.
I think it's important to look after yourself at all times. Even if you naturally put other people first, you can't help others properly when you're distressed.
You know what's best between you and him - and if asking to become fully exclusive would be too much right now you should respect that instinct I think. But you're also entitled to want what you want, and perhaps until things are calmer it may be best that you stop sleeping together and just focus on the friendship side of your relationship. A more concise way of putting this is: try not to leave yourself in a situation where you could end up hurt. I'm sure he wouldn't do it deliberately but you don't want to end up too exposed. In sounds to me like you've got all the crap bits of a relationship without the benefits. If you're truly okay waiting (and I agree things may be better after your exams are out of the way), then holding off from making things more official may be the sensible thing to do but don't let his issues become the overarching factor in decisions that affect you just as much as him.
It sounds like you have good instincts though so do trust that. Lx
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- I want a FwB with my ex's ex, what should I do?
- growing affections for a friend
- He doesn't want to be friends unless we meet up
- does casual relationship imply sexual?
- Gave my FWB an ultimatum and asked for more time to think.
- Fresh rel, trouble coming to terms with her past. She’s not making it easy either
- 27 (male) and never had a girlfriend
- Ldr Said she was only wanted to be friends with me,how shall I reply
- I'm not sure what I'm missing from my own character/appearance?
- Friends with benefits guy wants a relationship but I don't
- do u regret losing ur virginity
- He didnt reply to my birthday text?
- I think I'm genuinely scared of intimacy 😬
- how to tell if a guy only likes you for sex
- Fwb to lover back to fwb?
- Chat
- What do I do when my best friend ended our friendship I feel there's a hole in my lif
- Slept with a prostitute after breakup. Feel disgusted and ashamed at it all.
- Hurt after guy I hooked up with deleted me from contacts
- Friends with benefits
Latest
Posted 1 minute ago
Can I change college after 1 year of BTEC Level 3 Extended Diploma in Applied scienceLast reply 2 minutes ago
Official University of the Arts London Applicant Thread for 2024Last reply 2 minutes ago
Occupational Therapy MSc Pre-reg LiverpoolLast reply 7 minutes ago
Amazon Apprenticeships 2024Last reply 8 minutes ago
What happens if i dont manage to find housing for second yr?- Uni of BathLast reply 8 minutes ago
AQA A Level History Paper 2 (7042/2A-2T) - 7th June 2024 [Exam Chat]Last reply 9 minutes ago
Official UCL Offer Holders Thread for 2024 entryLast reply 11 minutes ago
Official London School of Economics and Political Science 2024 Applicant ThreadTrending
Last reply 2 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 2 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 2 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 2 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
