The Student Room Group

The last two years, in need of help

Okay a long post sorry for anyone who can be bothered to read something pathetic I’d really appreciate it. I know it’s a post that’s very easy to make jokes about but it’s really is cutting me up so I’d be happier if you didn’t. For the last year and 8 months, I have had a very on-off relationship. When I am with my bf/friend I couldn’t be happier he is the perfect bf in every respect when with me caring, complimentary, will do anything I ask, never puts me down and has tried to build my confidence when I put myself down. I am sure he has always loved me to the point of being clingy, he will hardly argue with me through fear of losing me even. However I really don’t know why he does what he does.

Drinking is another problem, I am not sure if anyone else finds it to be or if binge drinking is that normal for my age group but for my group of friends it has played a major role and still does. If I am honest its one of the causes of most of my problems but none the less I do it to the extreme anyway, sometimes to the point of not being able to remember events. When I am not there and he’s completely trashed he’s cheated on me on a few separate occasions. I used to break up with him but as one of my best friends it was hard to keep away and after some time, for as long as 6 months even we’d end up back together. During those times I’d fall apart, it would hurt so much and I even lost a stone in a month and all I could think about was losing weight. Recently we were at a stage where things were getting better and its happened again. He doesn’t have any self control, if there’s a situation and hes out of it happens and its not even with anyone pretty or someone he’d normally like. Even his mum has told me he’s really sorry, loves me, cries most nights and wouldn’t do it again or she’d chop it off!

I myself thought I’d never do anything similar, however months ago after drinking everything I could I blacked out, it was the worst experience of my life and when I realised what had happened I couldn’t stop crying, I could only remember parts of the evening and it was a guy who had been talking to me earlier. I still cant remember how I ended up there. It wasn’t something I’d want as I’d never do that type of thing usually and still makes me feel sick. I told my on/off boyfriend, he was very supportive and even went out to try and buy me the morning after pill, ive also been to be checked as well and everything in that respect is okay.

Anxiety affects me, I often get attention from guys sometimes unwanted but a slight confidence boost at the same time. However I am always thinking that they’re somehow joking, that they’re doing it for a laugh and I never know when somebody’s flirting or being just friendly. When out on the street I also think people are looking at me and putting me down in their head, I constantly feel judged by everyone and that I am never quite good enough. I am not sure if this is normal or that I am paranoid etc.

Back to recently then, he said he’s unable to defend what’s happened, that he’s an idiot and doesn’t know why he does it and that I am better off without him. He said for the time being even if I wanted him back he cant because of what will probably happen again, he’s also said he’s going to stop drinking for himself as it’s becoming an issue and he’s scared of losing everything he loves in his life and that I should probably cut down a lot too, he said in a few years if he’s stopped being such an idiot he will come back and ask me out and I’ll probably have an amazing bf. I am sorry if this is becoming a bit of a sob story but all my friends are leaving soon in Sept and I am beginning to feel cut off from everyone. I’ve got to the point where I don’t even care what happens with these girls as I know it means nothing, but obviously at the same time nobody should stand for it. I honestly want him and nothing else but its really difficult. I think its part of my personality where I can’t let go but I love him and everything else we’ve had. I don’t need to be called pathetic as I already know I am, I think just ranting gets it out a bit as everything is getting a bit too much for me as well as results soon on the 17th. I suppose I could write a very dull book about everything that’s gone on as this is only the tip of the ice berg. I don’t think drinking/drugs/smoking etc is cool and I am not proud of how things have turned out but its become a norm for my group of friends and its hard to escape it. Of course I have lots of normal days just being out with people and I function perfectly we’ll, I even prefer those days. If anyone has any idea’s as to what I should do regarding my on/off bf or help in general I am open to them as I really don’t know anymore. Thanks
I think you should really focus on sorting out your own life first. Are you off to university yourself in September? If so, I think this will be a great chance for you to make a fresh start.

I can't really advise much on the drinking, I'm sure someone else will.

Do you think you have much trust in your relationship?
Well i dont know this guy has cheated on you lots and he might say he will change but will he, also admitting your having trouble with drink is the first stage of saying you do have a problem, and yes binge drinking is not good for you, you gotta tell yourself no you need to stop because otherwise you will end up dead by 30, because drinking will not make your problems go away it will only make it worse.

Ask for the fact your going away to university, there are so many social opportunites to make new friends out there, ask for your boyfriend i doubt it is going to work out as he keeps straying alot, however you have done the same thing which makes me thing more that you and your b.f are not right for each other.
Reply 3
Ever thought of holding each other accountable on the drinking front? The two of your promise each other you simply won't drink, or you will limit yourself to 1 pint a night, then after a month, reduce it to a pint every other night, and so on. Until you can go without drinking for months even when everyone around you are.

He sounds like he does love you, only drinking is getting the better of him and the fact that he's admitted it is good. How about - stay friends with him and as good friends, support each other in not drinking. Since you both like each other so much, letting the other down would be a huge thing and you'd be less likely to get drunk. Then once your drinking problem has been sorted out, get back together if the feelings are still there. I think you both need support and time for yourself to sort out thie drinking thing, but it's good to do it together :smile:

As for your friends - if they're having such bad influence on you, ever thought of the fact that maybe they're unsensible friends who will do you no good? Real friends are meant to build each other up and be good for each other. If their behaviour is leading you to drunkenness to such an extent and you have no self-control over it, then maybe it's best to only hang out with them during the day, when everyone's sober, and avoid all night-gatherings, especially ones involving the pub. Maybe on those nights, go with that guy you like so much and watch a DVD instead. That way, you can both avoid drinking and get it under control as well as having a great time. Give it time - if it's meant to be, it'll happen even when you wait. But some things are simply not meant to be.

And also, with the drinking, it might be cool to make friends with someone who does not drink. I dunno, find a Christian friend, or something. Cus if there's at least 1 person in the room who is not drinking, it's easier for you not to drink cus there's less pressure, and that person can support you in not drinking. I mean, drinking in moderation is fine but given the extent to which you drink, you need to cut it right back to no drinks at all first, really.
Reply 4
Just because either of you drank so much doesn't make your actions excusable. Understandable? Yes. Excusable. No.

The first thing to realise(which you have done) is that there's a problem. With the amount you drink, with the way you behave, and with your friends. This seems to be complicated further by teh fact that you and this guy have very similar issues; and while this common ground can be used to help and support each other, it can also be used - as it is in this case- to do the very opposite.

You seem to caer about him, as he does for your, and there still seems to be trust. if you're willing to put the past behind you and make a fresh start, adn do it together, you both need to have along talk. You're both in the same boat, you can use that to your advantage, and the support you giev each other may make yoru relationship stronger.

Are you starting uni? Use this as an opportunity to maek new friends who may have a better influence on you - or at least less of an influence on you.

Good luck. Apologies if this sounds a bit unsympathetic, for what it's worth I've been in almost the same situation. However, unlike you, I kept making the same mistakes again. If you carry on, you'll find out that it's not a very pleasant way of living at all.
Reply 5
I think you need help. Talk to your doctor, tell him you think you have a problem. It might be that he/she will get you to see a counsellor with whom you can talk your problems through. Your on-off boyfriend does seem to be an issue, and don't hurt me for this (I mean it!!) but once you feel better about your life you might realise that you two simply aren't right for each other. I know it's hard, and being emotionally involved makes it difficult for you to accept, but you're not doing each other any favours. You're both young, you need to enjoy life and not be worrying about who he's with and what he'll do if he gets drunk (trust me I lived like that for 2.5yrs!!). It seems, from the outside, that you feel he's the only good thing in what is otherwise quite a messy and miserable life (nothing personal meant by that, I know how it feels) and that's why you so desperately don't want to let go. Trust me though, it does get better...with the right support you'll be able to be strong.

*Jeremy Kyle bit over*
Reply 6
Haha yeah I do feel like I could go on that show, although I am not a chav and his voice annoys me. I perhaps should see my Dr, although I’m not addicted its just odd days when i do it to the extremes but I don’t want it to get to the stage where I am either. Yeah I perhaps am clinging on, my life isn’t as bad as it could be but still is not the best. Although he does make me feel better about things, he was even going to throw his phone away or give it to me just so I wouldn’t feel the need to text him. Its just a very hard thing to get over after so long and my heart really isn't in getting over him (although most girls probably would). I do have a few good things in my life like my family/certain friends (apart from them moving away very soon) but I do get quite depressed as well. It's easier to say than do I suppose but maybe I really need to try and get over it.

Thanks for the replies it is nice to have objective advice as my friends aren't always sure what to say and its hard to put people in the middle. The drinking is something that has spiralled from experimenting to becoming a bit too much and the focus of our group of friends meeting up. I have two friends I’ve known for years and they’re not part of our drinking group and as a result I’ve drifted from them since starting college a bit although we do remain quite close. Its not just in bars, it used to be just meeting up with about 10 other people in the day like a picnic but with a lot of alcohol as well. After recent months and especially since what happened to me, I am starting to think it isn’t the fun, sociable thing that it once was. The people in our group of friends who drink the most do seem to be the ones who have the most problems; I have no doubt that there is a connection. Also vodka is often the drink I have, sometimes mixed with other things so if I ever have occasional drinks I think in future I am going to stick to something with a lower percent or simply less drinks. For example last week I had 6 bar-measures of vodka and coke and then finally a double and still did not feel effected by it but the quantities when we buy our own are a lot different. My way has been to drink as much as I can and usually end up being sick, blacking out or even having arguments with people I don’t wish to have so yep I think it may be a time to change. It seems especially odd when I’ve only turned 18 a few months ago and a lot of others are just experiencing the going out to bars and drinking thing.

As to the question, I don’t have complete trust…I do have trust when he hasn’t been drinking to such an extent as it never seems to happen then. At first last year I thought it was me/that he was making excuses and perhaps just wanted other girls but his friends and own mother said he was generally distraught and since January for 7 months he hasn’t done anything with other girls and I did begin to think he was changing and I think he did too up until last week. He has quite a difficult family situation and he’s always said to me that he never wants to end up like his family and now he is beginning to turn into them. I want him to sort himself out even if I am not with him and obviously I need to help myself.

“Just because either of you drank so much doesn't make your actions excusable. Understandable? Yes. Excusable. No.” I agree completely, the first time he did I refused to speak to him, couldn’t understand it and wouldn’t let him near me I still don’t excuse his actions with drink or no drink. I equally am ashamed of what happened with me, but I honestly do feel I was taken advantage off as I don’t even remember flirting with this guy or anything. Some people use drinking as an excuse to do things and think its okay but it really is not, at the end of it you’ve still hurt someone and lost some of your own self respect.

Yes I should be starting University in Sept. I was going move away but I decided against it so I am staying at home whilst studying, perhaps this will affect my social experience? This year in my exams I revised a lot and tried to put the going out on hold because my AS grades suffered the previous year. Maybe after some space we could work together and try and cut out or cut down on the drink side of things, perhaps if I did some of my friends may follow as some of them have similar bad experiences to my own.

On another tangent I wonder if anyone has experienced people cheating/ straying (although often were not “together” but usually it is like we are) is it worse for somebody to have a relationship over more than one day/an emotional connection or something that is just a drunken thing whereby you don’t even like the person particularly and don’t see them again? A kind of unrelated point but I don’t get as upset by the latter, Id be more hurt if he actually felt something for them.

Thanks I didn’t find the last post unsympathetic, it was helpful I prefer genuine advice I am just glad nobody has insulted me (so far anyway)..

Yep I do feel like I could go on that show, although I am not a chav and his voice annoys me. I perhaps should see my Dr, although I’m not addicted its just odd days when i do it to the extremes but I don’t want it to get to the stage where I am either. Yeah I perhaps am clinging on, my life isn’t as bad as it could be but still is not the best. Although he does make me feel better about things, he was even going to throw his phone away or give it to me just so I wouldn’t feel the need to text him so it would be easier for me but i just started crying so that was a no-go. Its just a very hard thing to get over after so long and my heart really isn't in getting over him (although most girls probably would). I do have a few good things in my life like my family/certain friends (apart from them moving away very soon) but I do get quite depressed as well. It's easier to say than do I suppose but maybe I really need to try and get over it.
Reply 7
It's a slightly different situation, but I was with my boyfriend for 2.5yrs as I mentioned earlier and I found myself feeling like I *needed* him. The long and short of these situations is that we do not *need* boyfriends, nor do they *need* us...and the moment we begin to feel as though we do is the beginning of the end. Though it's nice to have someone to rely on for a shoulder to cry on, as soon as you feel you need someone things can get messy. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I felt like I was going cold turkey from something I was massively addicted to, something that had picked me up when I was feeling down for the previous 2.5yrs, something that was always there if I ever got bored or needed someone to talk to. It's hard to distinguish between love and habit once you cross the year mark...and if there's a lot of cheating and general mistrust it could be safe to say that you may be staying with this guy (or you were) just because you're use to him and you're scared of being without him. My ex telling me he was gonna change his number was a HORRIBLE thing for me, and I hated that I wouldn't be able to text him...worse still we were at the same uni (not out of choice). Just try and stand back from the situation and decide if you love him, or if you're just addicted to the drama of your relationship and the leaning post he has been for you.
Reply 8
pinkandpurple_stars
Haha yeah I do feel like I could go on that show, although I am not a chav and his voice annoys me. I perhaps should see my Dr, although I’m not addicted its just odd days when i do it to the extremes but I don’t want it to get to the stage where I am either. Yeah I perhaps am clinging on, my life isn’t as bad as it could be but still is not the best. Although he does make me feel better about things, he was even going to throw his phone away or give it to me just so I wouldn’t feel the need to text him so it would be easier for me but i just started crying so that was a no-go. Its just a very hard thing to get over after so long and my heart really isn't in getting over him (although most girls probably would). I do have a few good things in my life like my family/certain friends (apart from them moving away very soon) but I do get quite depressed as well. It's easier to say than do I suppose but maybe I really need to try and get over it.


Yeh probably. You both need to sort out your lives first, before you think about relationships etc. And who knows, maybe a few years down the line when you are both sorted out, you could get back together again. But right now, go to the doctor, find friends that will support you and be accountable to you in not drinking. And if friends encourage you to drink consistantly then consider breaking off the friendship altogether cus they're not good for you. It does sound like you just don't wanna lose what you consider to be the one good thing in your life. But you got your whole life to live! Sort it out now, so you can live. Pray about it, maybe? I've found seeking God's help always makes things easier.

Good luck :hugs: it sounds like you're in a really hard and hurtful situation - but you will heal. And you'll learn and grow from this. All the best :hugs:
Reply 9
Another point to add is that living at home might be a blessing in disguise as you'll be less tempted to go out drinking every night...
Reply 10
I understand what you mean, the difference between *need* and actually love, it's easy to get used to someone, become attached and feel you “need” them but in such a close relationship its almost like they are a second you so its hard. I think its more than that though its not just being secure I also love him as a person as last year I attempted to get over him and even went on a date and it was not really needing this guy I went on the date with he was nice but slightly plain if that makes sense and I haven’t found anyone I’ve particularly gelled with . I am actually crying now because everything is pretty raw. Even friends have said they don’t know why he does that because of the way he is with me and how depressed he gets after its almost like two people. I am sorry I kind of feel bad for going on, everyone has problems I guess, surprising to know people have similar situations as I haven’t really seen it being discussed on here much.

irisng

Good luck :hugs: it sounds like you're in a really hard and hurtful situation - but you will heal. And you'll learn and grow from this. All the best :hugs:


Thanks, yeah I wish I did have a faith, I can't say I do really..my family do to an extent but I’ve never truly believed really in a long time and plus I feel like I couldn’t anyway, after the things I’ve done which are pretty non-religious.
Reply 11
babynessontoast
Another point to add is that living at home might be a blessing in disguise as you'll be less tempted to go out drinking every night...


That partly influenced my choice because i already have sort of "done" the drinking and party thing and although i enjoy it sometimes a bit too much esspecially without my family to hold me back it could effect my work. Perhaps you are right about me as I didn’t want to leave my family that much as I feel that I *need* them, I probably do.
Reply 12
The advice given by other makes mine look rather tame - they all seem to haev got it spot down. There's a difference between love and need - you should find out where you stand.

Alcohol certainly won't make you feel better. And the worse thing is, the things you think when you're drunk tend to carry over when you're sober, so if you're constantly feeling down about your boyfriend when you're drunk, it'll spill over to when you're sober. You'll try not to show it, but then vent it all out again when you're drunk, and you'll repeat the same cycle. Do you look forward to drinking and getting drunk, not for the enjoyment factor, but just for escapisim or getting totally out of your mind? If its the latter, you'll find you always want to get drunk, it's the first thing you look forward to when you wake up, and you get off your face any time you can. And you'll use it to deal with emotions and issues that you should be dealing with when sober, and you'll grow dependent on for that reason too.
Reply 13
Spider
Do you look forward to drinking and getting drunk, not for the enjoyment factor, but just for escapisim or getting totally out of your mind? If its the latter, you'll find you always want to get drunk, it's the first thing you look forward to when you wake up, and you get off your face any time you can. And you'll use it to deal with emotions and issues that you should be dealing with when sober, and you'll grow dependent on for that reason too.
I wouldn't say that’s completely true with me, I enjoy all my friends being together but its that we tend to be drinking, I like to form real sober bonds and friendships with people and not just drunk ones. I dislike the way everyone comes across as nice when I am drunk like everybody is my friend but sometimes peoples intentions can be quite different. I do like not having to feel anything for the time I am drunk like an I-couldn’t-care-less what happens attitude but that’s also a bad way to be. I wouldn’t want to be off my face all the time and its not on my mind when i wake up etc. As well as a few good times I’ve kind of realised it can create lots of problems.
Reply 14
Good stuff! The alcohol situation doesn't seem to bad then, which is a relief. Booze really doesn't mix with any situation that has a lot of emotion involved in it. Or one where you have to be objective either.
Anonymous

but I honestly do feel I was taken advantage off as I don’t even remember flirting with this guy or anything.



Are you sure you are not just making excuses here? 'I'm a girl so I was probably taken advantage of.' Is it not acceptable that you were flirting with him? You don't remember how you ended up in bed with the other guy, and if you don't remember something this big, it is quite probable that you did flirt with the guy, and just don't remember.

I'm not criticising here, sorry if it sound like it.
Reply 16
My friends were around and they thought it was strange since I hadn’t spoken to him earlier. He started talking to me at the end when I went to get some water. Somebody saw me lying down and two of them were sitting with me, my eyes were shut and I don’t even remember that happening. It’s possible I did but I’m not really that flirty and I wouldn’t cry if it was something I want plus I always need to go out with someone before I'd do anything. The guy also tried to punch my friend and got edgy when asked what happened (I didn't want them to speak to them). Not saying I was attacked but don’t remember saying "yeah". That’s just an event to do with things it wasn’t the basis of what I was posting really. And on another point -even if a girl was to flirt or speak to someone, if they're in a worse state I don't think it gives the right to a "yes" unless they clearly say so.
For a start you need to cut down on your drinking the best thing i foudn which helped my friedna lot was instead of the usual odd days drinking to the extremes everyday in moderation, it will ventually bring you down to earth and you can stop doing it veyrday but when you do do it you will be in the habit of not going over the top. and if you think you might take yourself out of the bar or pub for a few minutes and say to yourself no. stop. you don't need alcohol to have a good time, it won't solve your problems. This guy although he really seems to be carry a torch higher that the statue of liberty, he is not doing you or your mental health any favours, get away from him, yeah it will probably rip his heart to shreds, but hearts mend, he'll survive and so will you. Go to uni with a clean slate, cut off your old friends and your man, thats what i did and i got new better friend and a better boyfriend and i am happier now than i ever have been. You only get out of life what you put into it, don't waste it. The future is there for what you make it. Make it good.