Okay a long post sorry – for anyone who can be bothered to read something pathetic I’d really appreciate it. I know it’s a post that’s very easy to make jokes about but it’s really is cutting me up so I’d be happier if you didn’t. For the last year and 8 months, I have had a very on-off relationship. When I am with my bf/friend I couldn’t be happier he is the perfect bf in every respect when with me – caring, complimentary, will do anything I ask, never puts me down and has tried to build my confidence when I put myself down. I am sure he has always loved me to the point of being clingy, he will hardly argue with me through fear of losing me even. However I really don’t know why he does what he does.
Drinking is another problem, I am not sure if anyone else finds it to be or if binge drinking is that normal for my age group but for my group of friends it has played a major role and still does. If I am honest its one of the causes of most of my problems but none the less I do it to the extreme anyway, sometimes to the point of not being able to remember events. When I am not there and he’s completely trashed he’s cheated on me on a few separate occasions. I used to break up with him but as one of my best friends it was hard to keep away and after some time, for as long as 6 months even we’d end up back together. During those times I’d fall apart, it would hurt so much and I even lost a stone in a month and all I could think about was losing weight. Recently we were at a stage where things were getting better and its happened again. He doesn’t have any self control, if there’s a situation and hes out of it happens and its not even with anyone pretty or someone he’d normally like. Even his mum has told me he’s really sorry, loves me, cries most nights and wouldn’t do it again or she’d chop it off!
I myself thought I’d never do anything similar, however months ago after drinking everything I could I blacked out, it was the worst experience of my life and when I realised what had happened I couldn’t stop crying, I could only remember parts of the evening and it was a guy who had been talking to me earlier. I still cant remember how I ended up there. It wasn’t something I’d want as I’d never do that type of thing usually and still makes me feel sick. I told my on/off boyfriend, he was very supportive and even went out to try and buy me the morning after pill, ive also been to be checked as well and everything in that respect is okay.
Anxiety affects me, I often get attention from guys sometimes unwanted but a slight confidence boost at the same time. However I am always thinking that they’re somehow joking, that they’re doing it for a laugh and I never know when somebody’s flirting or being just friendly. When out on the street I also think people are looking at me and putting me down in their head, I constantly feel judged by everyone and that I am never quite good enough. I am not sure if this is normal or that I am paranoid etc.
Back to recently then, he said he’s unable to defend what’s happened, that he’s an idiot and doesn’t know why he does it and that I am better off without him. He said for the time being even if I wanted him back he cant because of what will probably happen again, he’s also said he’s going to stop drinking for himself as it’s becoming an issue and he’s scared of losing everything he loves in his life and that I should probably cut down a lot too, he said in a few years if he’s stopped being such an idiot he will come back and ask me out and I’ll probably have an amazing bf. I am sorry if this is becoming a bit of a sob story but all my friends are leaving soon in Sept and I am beginning to feel cut off from everyone. I’ve got to the point where I don’t even care what happens with these girls as I know it means nothing, but obviously at the same time nobody should stand for it. I honestly want him and nothing else but its really difficult. I think its part of my personality where I can’t let go but I love him and everything else we’ve had. I don’t need to be called pathetic as I already know I am, I think just ranting gets it out a bit as everything is getting a bit too much for me as well as results soon on the 17th. I suppose I could write a very dull book about everything that’s gone on as this is only the tip of the ice berg. I don’t think drinking/drugs/smoking etc is cool and I am not proud of how things have turned out but its become a norm for my group of friends and its hard to escape it. Of course I have lots of normal days just being out with people and I function perfectly we’ll, I even prefer those days. If anyone has any idea’s as to what I should do regarding my on/off bf or help in general I am open to them as I really don’t know anymore. Thanks