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Long distance relationship, is it worth the effort?

My boyfriend and I are going to different universities, about 2 hours apart by train. Weve been together for nearly 2 years. I love him but because of different religious backgrounds I cant honestly see a long term relationship as in getting married, it would cause too much pain to our families and would probably mean loss of contact with them. My question is if im not going to stay with him after, is it worth the effort involved in a long distance relationship? Part of me feels guilty for hanging on to him when I have no intention of marrying him and he could be meeting someone else at uni who he could be happy with, but on the other hand I want to be with him for as long as possible and make the most of our time together before we have to deal with family pressures and are forced to break up. I'm thinking that it would be more fair to him to break up before university so we can both start afresh, but also I dont want to let him go and would be absolutley devastated if he met someone else. Maybe we could stay together and if he meets someone else I will let him go, but this would be so painful. Id appreciate an objective view on the situation. I know it all depends on how much we love each other and how much we want to be together, but ahh its so difficult, what should i do?! :frown:

please help

Reply 1

shady lane

16

My brother has a similar issue. He and his gf are going to uni very far apart, but her whole family is racist won't accept her having a black bf, so there's no real long term future.

I'd say end it sooner rather than later, will save you the heartache. If you are so miserable without him after a few months, maybe then you are meant to be together. But starting uni is a good time to turn over a new leaf.

Reply 2

lala_land

If you think you'll be willing to make the effort to see each other fairrly regulary without neglecting your social life at Uni then why not keep seeing each other, you don't have to think about the future just yet, if your in love with him now, you might as well keep it going.

I'm wondering why your letting your parents control your life though :confused:

I mean with things like marriage it should be your choice and if you don't wanna marry him coz of the religious barrier then thats fine but just coz your parents want you to?

Reply 3

Angelil

19

Sad situation :frown:

My instinct is to say that it would be fairer to him to end it when you both go to uni, and remain friends if you can. However, I would say talk to him about it - there's only so much a lot of anonymous internet bods can say to you.

Reply 4

<Mark>

I know exactly what you're going through, my girlfriend and I have been together for well over 3 years now and are going to Uni's 7 hours apart. I don't want to speak for her I can only explain it from my point of view. I would love to spend the rest of my life with her 'cause we are so happy together. We also had/have issues with parents and religion which haven’t stopped us being together.

The only advice I can offer is if you can't see a future together then sooner is better than later and the whole fresh start thing could be great for both of you, but if you feel this strongly about him and your relationship can I ask why you don't see it going as far as marriage?

Reply 5

History_is...

6

I was always dead against long distance relationships, generally was of the opinion they dont work and are not worth the pain. But now with my bf i could not imagine giving him up for anything, i cant picture my life without him and i would not even begin to question if it's "worth it". IMO if your not sure, its not going to work because long term relationships do take more work and you have to really want it. xx

Reply 6

shady lane

16

Don't mean to burst any bubbles, obviously every couple is different, but very few people marry the person they were dating before uni. Having finished uni already I can tell you, you will mature a lot, as will your bf/gf. If you grow and change together, it can work. But if not...well, that's how life is. There are very few true "school sweethearts" who are still together as adults.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

I can see myself marrying him, i have romantic ideas about a family together but the parents issue is just too important. Neither of us has told our parents we are together because they wouldnt allow us to see each other, thats why going to uni is hopefully goin to bring us closer as we will have more freedom to see each other rather than sneaking around and lying all the time. My family wouldnt accept him, wouldnt come to my wedding etc, so it would be a matter of completely cutting ourselves off from them and just having each other.

Reply 8

lala_land

I'd say keep seeing him for now, that way you'll have atleast tried to make an LDR work. As for the parents issue i wouldn't worry too much about it now, but when the time comes you'll have to make a very hard decision..

Reply 9

ciara

13

From my own experience of this I'd say you'll regret it if you don't at least try. It's fine to be realistic about it, but I think maybe cutting the relationship short because of your realism might be more harmful than just seeing what happens.

Reply 10

lala_land

ciara

From my own experience of this I'd say you'll regret it if you don't at least try. It's fine to be realistic about it, but I think maybe cutting the relationship short because of your realism might be more harmful than just seeing what happens.

Yeah because otherwise you'll always be wondering "what if..."

Reply 11

cutandpasteandtwisty

11

Anonymous

My boyfriend and I are going to different universities, about 2 hours apart by train. Weve been together for nearly 2 years. I love him but because of different religious backgrounds I cant honestly see a long term relationship as in getting married, it would cause too much pain to our families and would probably mean loss of contact with them. My question is if im not going to stay with him after, is it worth the effort involved in a long distance relationship? Part of me feels guilty for hanging on to him when I have no intention of marrying him and he could be meeting someone else at uni who he could be happy with, but on the other hand I want to be with him for as long as possible and make the most of our time together before we have to deal with family pressures and are forced to break up. I'm thinking that it would be more fair to him to break up before university so we can both start afresh, but also I dont want to let him go and would be absolutley devastated if he met someone else. Maybe we could stay together and if he meets someone else I will let him go, but this would be so painful. Id appreciate an objective view on the situation. I know it all depends on how much we love each other and how much we want to be together, but ahh its so difficult, what should i do?! :frown:

please help

From my experience; more often than not, LDRs are not successful. If I were you I'd end it and move on with your life - you're only young once!

Reply 12

Element54

1

I feel the same way.

Me and my girlfriend are different ethnicities, and families whom are completely different in terms of cultural and social backgrounds.

I realise after 3 years of being together there is very little chance of us getting married, the family would worse disown her, or at the very least despise her, my family would frown upon it also.

We are going different uni's, and our differences are now most obvious to me. It saddens me to think she would be happier with a bf of the same ethnicity, since they have so much in common in terms of religion, traditions and social background.

For me a long distance relationship only makes our future very bleak, since she would eventually realise the differences I already feel at this moment.

But I you have to remember that our experiences shape who we are, and I will see how long this relationship will last before it falters - like it is now for me.

Reply 13

Helenia

20

See this thread which was posted only yesterday.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

OP

What if I do break up with him because of our different backgrounds, that means that in future i should only consider boys of the same background, and i may never meet someone of the same background who i like or love in the way i love my boyfriend. Ahh its so frustrating, why should i have to restrict myself to just one group of people, think of all the interesting ppl id be missing out on meeting if i followed my parents racist way of thinking, why are they so narrow minded and backwards?! Sorry this started out about long distance relationships, but i guess the real issue is inter-racial relationships. Attitudes need to change and if ppl always did what was expected of them by their community and family, these attitudes would go unchecked for generations. It only takes one person to go against convention to make ppl open their eyes so maybe i should be that person.

Reply 15

banksy

1

Anonymous

My boyfriend and I are going to different universities, about 2 hours apart by train. Weve been together for nearly 2 years. I love him but because of different religious backgrounds I cant honestly see a long term relationship as in getting married, it would cause too much pain to our families and would probably mean loss of contact with them. My question is if im not going to stay with him after, is it worth the effort involved in a long distance relationship? Part of me feels guilty for hanging on to him when I have no intention of marrying him and he could be meeting someone else at uni who he could be happy with, but on the other hand I want to be with him for as long as possible and make the most of our time together before we have to deal with family pressures and are forced to break up. I'm thinking that it would be more fair to him to break up before university so we can both start afresh, but also I dont want to let him go and would be absolutley devastated if he met someone else. Maybe we could stay together and if he meets someone else I will let him go, but this would be so painful. Id appreciate an objective view on the situation. I know it all depends on how much we love each other and how much we want to be together, but ahh its so difficult, what should i do?! :frown:

please help

I bet this is how my own ladyfriend thinks.

Reply 16

Haineko

logically i am against long distance relationships. Personally, i believe the physical and emotiontional bonding/contact is as important as each other, and that its not healthy missing one/both/or the other in a relationship.

However being in a relationship now myself, and facing the prospect of going off to uni next year i cant be as certain anymore.... if you guys are separated 2 hrs by train....you guys can always meet up in the middle during weekends (so 1 hr each.) would that be feasable?

I think it'll be better for both of you guys to sit down and discuss the future and what you guys think this relationship will head to. It'll also be valuable to know what he thinks of the relationship too. This could help your judgement.

Reply 17

Profesh

20

Anonymous

I can see myself marrying him, i have romantic ideas about a family together but the parents issue is just too important. Neither of us has told our parents we are together because they wouldnt allow us to see each other, thats why going to uni is hopefully goin to bring us closer as we will have more freedom to see each other rather than sneaking around and lying all the time. My family wouldnt accept him, wouldnt come to my wedding etc, so it would be a matter of completely cutting ourselves off from them and just having each other.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Reply 18

username47781

20

Angelil

Sad situation :frown:

My instinct is to say that it would be fairer to him to end it when you both go to uni, and remain friends if you can. However, I would say talk to him about it - there's only so much a lot of anonymous internet bods can say to you.

Oh why think oh we're going away to Uni let's break up how negative is that, why don't people have a go first, it can work and if you really love each other you can survive

Reply 19

bunthulhu

14

Carl1982

Oh why think oh we're going away to Uni let's break up how negative is that, why don't people have a go first, it can work and if you really love each other you can survive

Exactly, it works for many couples so it's worth a go. To be honest, as someone pointed out in the other thread on this, a few hours on a train is nothing if you love them. If I go to my second choice uni my journey will be quite a bit longer than 2 hours but I'm not bothered; I love him. I figure I can get some work done on the train :p:

Long distance relationship, is it worth the effort?

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