How can I deal with my boyfriends mum

When I started dating my now boyfriend I was 15 (he is 4 years older than I) and she didn't like it and for some reason decided to be rather rude in a cutting kind of way. And she told my mum when they met that she was a little uncomfortable with me being that young. But I am now 17 and things have still not really changed changed, she is still very rude and tries to make me as uncomfortable as she can. When he is with me she is civil but as soon as he leaves the room, she issues her usual cutting remarks.

But this is not my only problem, she is not very nice to him either. She treats him like ever decision he makes is wrong nothing he ever does is good enough for her. And she has been known to on several occasions try to try and see if she can match-make him with someone else knowing full well that we are happy together and are likely to remain that way for a while. She has her favorites with her kids and he is the first. And he has told me that both of his parents have blamed him for ruined their lives and forcing them to marry each other and told him to his face.
She is a stay at home mum and yet her house is a tip and I can't help but tidy up a tiny bit when she is not there, I'm not OCD but I find it hard to be in such chaos. He prefers to spend time at his house as mine has a very low roof and he is 6'5 and I hate him being uncomfortable. He is at Uni now and I don't see him very often and so we either have to spend time at his or mine.

I am not a confrontational person, so I don't want to fight her and I don't think it is my right to pass judgement. But I don't know how to deal with her. I can't stand her and I'm finding it hard to be civil to her when she is constantly so rude and belittling to both me and him. What can I do any advice is welcome, I feel like I want to scream.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Assuming that you've been trying for 2 years to "mend" the relationship with her, and him his whole life - I'd imagine she's just unpleasant and not likely to change.

I find that if someone you can't avoid is being unpleasant toward you, the best thing to do is learn to block them out. It's not "how do I deal with them?", but "how do I not deal with them?". You won't be able to fix her, you just have to learn to get over her frustration and anger and generally caring what she thinks, says and does.

See if you can literally look at her and practice not hearing what she actually says to you. Just look beyond her and start counting spots on the wall or something. If a response is required, keep it short and general. Like "oh", or "mm". Just ignore her cruel words, respond as though she'd just said something about the weather. Keep your relationship functional and try not to hold yourself responsible for her feelings. Being horrible is just part of her nature which she isn't changing soon and has nothing to do with you. I find being angry with such people doesn't help - being angry is just a form of caring.

You might find this actually reduces the number of times she is unpleasant as she won't get a reaction. Ofc, on occasions where she does actually interact with you in a nicer way - I would then be civil and pay attention and so on. But don't get your hopes up or start to rely on her. Just keep it functional.

It may sound selfish but it's good for you that she and your boyfriend don't get along. Once he's finished uni and left home, you probably won't have to deal with her so much. The hard thing will be controlling your feelings when you see that she has upset him. The really hard thing will be if she is rude to you, and your boyfriend defends her - try to understand this might happen because she's his mum and it's hard for him.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

It might sound strange but sometimes adopting a pitying approach is actually helpful. She's probably quite a bitter and unhappy person. So the next time she's nasty, instead of thinking "I don't deserve this, this is upsetting, I shouldn't let her treat me this way, anger/hurt/anger/hurt/frustration/etc" just take a deep breath, think "oh dear, X is being horrible again, I'd better just try to ignore her. I guess she's a pretty angry, unhappy person".

Reply 3

MASTER265

You need batter her, and say "listen up beatch, continue like this and this **** is ganno go down"

Reply 4

doodle_333

have you confronted her?

if I was youthe next time she says something I would just say 'I've been together with X for 2 years now, if you don't like me that is fine but I deserve to be treated with respect so please don't talk to me that way' - you're risking being kicked out and having to spend time at your house but it might embarass her into behaving

Reply 5

member327593

is your boyfriend aware of this? Speak to him about but be tactful

Reply 6

Ouli Anna

I think he is aware of it, he was the one who initially told me that he does not think his mother likes me. I'm afraid that he is going to pick her over me after she is his mom and she has raised him and been with him all his life.

How can I deal with my boyfriends mum

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