Is he dragging me down?

Hi,
My problem: I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years, when we first got together we had just left school and both started college, I for my A-Levels and him for a Music course. Half-way through his course he dropped out, I continued with my A-Levels and have now graduated from University, I am now due to start a postgraduate course in Speech and Language Therapy.

Since dropping out of college my boyfriend hasn't actually 'done' anything, he did get a job at first but quit that and since then has been sitting at home taking money off his parents and I can't see any desire in him to either go back to education or get another job. He doesn't get up until 3pm in the afternoon and just sits on his computer.

I don't want to sound like a snob but I have a feeling he is dragging me down in some way. I now have my degree and have a real motivation to get a good career and he has no aspirations what-so-ever. He did kick up a fuss when I told him I was doing postgraduate (as if he didn't want me to improve myself any further) and now wants to move with me when I start my new course.

I just don't know what to do, it feels like we're poles apart now and when I go and see him he really dampens my dreams by being so unmotivated :redface:

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

no your not wrong for feeling like this, everyone has these type of thoughts at one point or another,
i dont know what advice to give you really, except maybe talk to your boyfriend about how your are feeling (but put it to him in a sensitive way lol) and go from there

Sorry cant give any good advice :frown:

Good Luck

Reply 2

simeon125

10

Heres an idea? If he really loves, you tell him to get of his lazy back side and become economically productive again. If your telling us after 5 years that all he has done is sit on the couch at wake up at 3pm, then you can bet your money that for another two, he'll do the same. The fact, that your thinking of the future.....shows that you need to talk to him now, otherwise nothing will change.

Reply 3

TKR

15

tell him to get off his lazy arse or get lost

Reply 4

rubytuesday

do you still love him? you just have to think is it worth being with him, what do you get out of it? if the answer is nothing much, you're feeling trapped and like you can't move on with your own life then maybe you need to seriously think about whether the relationship can go anywhere and if it's good for you.
and definitely talk to him, say you're not happy, ask him if there's really nothing he wants to do with his life and if he's happy just carrying on like this. maybe he's not happy either but doesn't know what to do about it?

but ultimately you should always make your own decisions and keep concentrating on what you want to do, regardless of what he says or does because it's your life :smile:

my mum is always telling me this lol

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Thanks everyone :smile:

No, he literally has done nothing since dropping out of college. He got a job at Xmas which obviously only lasted for about 3 months and since then he has just sat at home bleeding his parents dry and when I ask him what he's going to do he just says "I'm taking some time off to chill out" Take some time off?! He's been 'off' since I've known him! :redface:

I'm just scared that I'll take him with me and he'll just sit there doing nothing while I try and make a life :frown:

It also angers me when I've worked all day and then ring him to hear him say he didn't get up until 3pm and he's tired :confused:

Reply 6

LatinMachine

1

Whatever you do, don't let this guy move in with you. He hasn't got a job, he isn't in education - how is he expecting to be able to pay his share? Answer: he's not. He wants a free ride, I think even you know that :wink:

You seem like an intelligent girl, but I know that intelligence goes out of the window where relationships are concerned (been there :wink:

). Especially after 5 years, it's hard to let go. If you still do love him, and you're sure, then stay with him, but don't let him use you.

Reply 7

LatinMachine

1

I'm just scared that I'll take him with me and he'll just sit there doing nothing while I try and make a life It also angers me when I've worked all day and then ring him to hear him say he didn't get up until 3pm and he's tired

My personal view is that an important thing in sustaining a good relationship is having the same "worldview," if you see what I mean. I think it's more important than having the same hobbies. Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half are splitting up when I go to University - we get on well, but we can't possibly spend a lifetime together because we have different worldviews (he does his job for the money, isn't interested in academics, I want a job I love and I can't wait to go to Uni). I'm surprised you lasted through University to be honest, you sound so different! The fact his parents haven't chucked him out is also quite surprising. It sounds like it's the time for an ultimatum, just please don't let him live off you :smile:

Reply 8

Anonymous #1

OP

PsychologyJen

My personal view is that an important thing in sustaining a good relationship is having the same "worldview," if you see what I mean. I think it's more important than having the same hobbies. Me and my boyfriend of a year and a half are splitting up when I go to University - we get on well, but we can't possibly spend a lifetime together because we have different worldviews (he does his job for the money, isn't interested in academics, I want a job I love and I can't wait to go to Uni). I'm surprised you lasted through University to be honest, you sound so different! The fact his parents haven't chucked him out is also quite surprising. It sounds like it's the time for an ultimatum, just please don't let him live off you :smile:

You are totally right, and to be honest, we're only just managed to stick together through Uni, I don't think he realises how much I love education and how much it means to me and has often accused me of being "all about Uni" :redface:

I think maybe now that my BSc is over the differences between us are more apparent, I've matured in a different way to him :frown:

Reply 9

LatinMachine

1

I've matured in a different way to him

Well you will have done - I'll assume you lived in Halls or a flat with friends for part of it, in which case you'll have had an experience of looking after yourself, even if not you'll have been taught to think in a different way, and you have an experience of a higher level of thinking than he has if he just sits in front of his computer all day :wink:

Obviously you came to this forum for advice, and I'm always happy to tell people what I think, hehe, :wink:

, but at the end of the day it's your choice whether you stay with him or not.

Reply 10

username47781

20

I think its time you had it out with him, tell him either he starts supporting you in what you do or tell him where to go, quite clearly hes not happy about your ambition and if he really did love you he'd support you, sorry to sound harsh but your boyfriend sounds like a waste of space at the moment.

Reply 11

HeStoleMyCrayon

take him on the jeremy kyle show

Reply 12

That artistic one

1

It sounds like he ready for a dumping...don't let him ruin or take over your life. Your ambitions come first

Reply 13

squigaletta

mojo~monkey

take him on the jeremy kyle show

second that 'shut up and listen, your lazy!'

Reply 14

prettyblueeyes

13

Personally, that'd spell the end of the relationship for me. You deserve all the great opportunities that lie ahead and shouldn't be expected to drag this lazy boy around. If he's not prepared to do something with his life, that's his loss. At the end of the day, this course will be an amazing thing for you, a new start with new people and great opportunities, and I think having a boyfriend who has no ambition or get-up-and-go or desire to succeed will hold you back. Plus will he then continue to sponge off you when you move? To me it sounds as though you're not "In love" with him anymore and you're tired of the same, lazy and dull attitude to life. Why put up with it when you've so much going for you. Good luck in whatever you do. x

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

prettyblueeyes

Personally, that'd spell the end of the relationship for me. You deserve all the great opportunities that lie ahead and shouldn't be expected to drag this lazy boy around. If he's not prepared to do something with his life, that's his loss. At the end of the day, this course will be an amazing thing for you, a new start with new people and great opportunities, and I think having a boyfriend who has no ambition or get-up-and-go or desire to succeed will hold you back. Plus will he then continue to sponge off you when you move? To me it sounds as though you're not "In love" with him anymore and you're tired of the same, lazy and dull attitude to life. Why put up with it when you've so much going for you. Good luck in whatever you do. x

Yep, this is how I feel. I feel like I should be really excited to be starting this course but all I seem to be doing is worrying about what is going to happen with my boyfriend, whether he'll come with me and actually do something with his life or whether I need to leave him behind. Also, I can see him not being very happy for me if I have a great placement or achievement something on the course for example, it's like I've got to pretend all the time about my ambitions :redface:

Reply 16

Genna

There is a danger that if you just allow him to go with you, and not talk to him that he'll end up scrounging off you. Bad habits can stick with people; so you can stay with him thinking the next day to another that he may change, but in reality he most likely won't. I think you have a great life ahead of you with the mentality you have so I seriously think you should give him an ultimatum and its his loss not yours if he can't change for a woman he loves.

Reply 17

prettyblueeyes

13

Honey, I think in your heart then, you know the answer already and it sounds like your relationship has come to the end of the road for you right now. Don't cry cos its over, smile cos it happened. You've got something amazing heading your way and don't let anyone take the shine off that for you. Grab the opportunity with both hands and hold on for all you're worth and don't let anybody or anything hold you back.

Reply 18

Solid_L

11

*Echoing everybody else*

Basically, tell him he needs to be told either get some motivation or leave you, you seem to have made this decision already and just worried about leaving him after so long.

After all, after he's done sponging off his parents he'll sponge off you. Give him one more chance to do something with his life or leave him. After all... what makes you think he'll change after 5 years?

Reply 19

Laika

1

Well do you have fun with him, like his personality and enjoy spending time with him?

If the answer to these questions is no, then obviously you shouldn't be with him anyway. Maybe you have grown apart in different ways since you went to Uni and that is difficult to accept but can't really be fixed.

If however, you love this person but are frustrated by his lack of achievement, then it's not really a reason to instantly dump him. Obviously you need to encourage him to sort his life out for his own sake but I think there's a danger of placing too much emphasis on what he chooses to do with his own life and expecting certain achievements or an image of him. If you really love him as a person then you don't need to let his personal failures ruin your relationship.

Is he dragging me down?

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