How to get out of "divorce mentality"?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 7 years ago
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My boyfriend and I have recently been talking more seriously about marriage and settling down. I love him with all my heart and really want to spend the rest of my life with him.

My only issue is that everyone in my family (parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc) has got divorced, so I kind of see it as normal/inevitable.

I really want to believe that I can make a marriage last a lifetime (my boyfriend's parents and grandparents stayed together till death do them part), but I'm worried that I'm going to just repeat the pattern set by my forebears.

Any ideas on how I can convince myself that I can break this cycle of divorce?
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The pencil one
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#2
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That's some voodoo you got there....

Ask your family why they divorced. What were the reasons and learn from them or avoid it
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Anonymous #2
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http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1uCCKm.../miniputt.swf/ this should help, has some great advice that really helped me through a rough spot
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username1337098
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How long have you been together?
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Hippysnake
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Well, if you do end up getting a divorce at least you know it'll probably be your fault. That's not only because you've got a cursed lineage, but for the most part it is because your brain is in 'divorce' mode already. That's bound to end in disaster.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by The pencil one)
That's some voodoo you got there....

Ask your family why they divorced. What were the reasons and learn from them or avoid it
Tell me about it!! I know why they divorced; the guys all had serious problems:

- selfish, unreasonable behaviour
- poor money skills&lack of emotional intelligence
- totally incompatible personalities
- severe alcoholism

If I had been around at the time, I would have been the first person advising them not to get hitched. I hope I have more sense than to copy their mistakes, but I can't help being worried.

(Original post by Meyrin)
How long have you been together?
Three and a half years. We aren't planning on getting married for a while yet, but the recent conversations about it have got me thinking and worrying.

(Original post by Hippysnake)
Well, if you do end up getting a divorce at least you know it'll probably be your fault. That's not only because you've got a cursed lineage, but for the most part it is because your brain is in 'divorce' mode already. That's bound to end in disaster.
This is exactly what I'm worried about! I really want to break that cycle, but I read something the other day where a couple said that they decided soon after they got married that nothing would ever make one leave the other: divorce was never even an option. That's the kind of mentality I want to have, but - as you said - my brain is in 'divorce' mode. How do I change it?!?!?
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username1337098
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Three and a half years. We aren't planning on getting married for a while yet, but the recent conversations about it have got me thinking and worrying.
That's a good sign. It looks you've progressed beyond the "honeymoon period" (1 - 2 years) and you're still very invested in the relationship.

But, simply put, you cannot predict the future. No one knows what will happen, how we will change and what life may throw at us, so it's no use trying to guess ahead and make judgements of things far away in the future. Yet in that same vein, you shouldn't condemn your possible marriage to divorce because of what has happened to those around you (though I do understand your feelings, as my family is the same way.) Your marriage could last a lifetime, as you hope it will. Though it will take some effort from time to time - knowing that marriage won't always be a walk in the park is vitally important, and if you can acknowledge that and make it through the inevitable difficult patches, you're already one step ahead of most people.

You need to trust yourself that this is a decision you want to make and won't end up regretting, even if things don't work out in the end. But you already sound like you're on the right track.

I always imagined waiting 4 - 5 years myself before contemplating marriage with someone. It gives you adequate time to ensure you really know the person (as best as you possibly can, at least) and scout out any possible areas of major incompatibility, and if you're still keen to marry at the end of that time, you know it's not something likely to die out as the years go by.
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