Going out with a friend's ex...

Curious as to what people think of this.

Backstory: Over a year ago I started talking to this guy, we'll call him John. I've known him for about five years but only by sight & name, since we went to the same bus stop. We got on really well and became extremely close.

When our relationship had gotten stronger, I met his then girlfriend and we got on really well as well. We'd go out in groups of three, all three of us got on brilliantly.

Anyway, then John broke up with his ex. The reasonings were logical, not at all malicious or spiteful. This was around 3-4 months ago. I told both of them that I was not taking sides, because they were both good friends of mine. Anyway, she started seeing someone and made out with several people; he started seeing someone but revealed recently that it never went very far because he has recently developed feelings for me.

My friend reckons that both of them are free agents and can see exactly who they want. I have to say that when I discovered my ex boyfriend fancied several of my friends I was not in the least bit fazed; but that could just be me.

I told Jon that if his ex ever found out about us she'd probably never forgive either of us. (I'd like to add, btw, that she is seeing one of his good friends as well!) He said that if she was a true friend, she wouldn't mind: especially since she is seeing somebody else now.

Thoughts on this matter?

Reply 1

generalebriety

16

Anonymous

Curious as to what people think of this.

Backstory: Over a year ago I started talking to this guy, we'll call him John. I've known him for about five years but only by sight & name, since we went to the same bus stop. We got on really well and became extremely close.

When our relationship had gotten stronger, I met his then girlfriend and we got on really well as well. We'd go out in groups of three, all three of us got on brilliantly.

Anyway, then John broke up with his ex. The reasonings were logical, not at all malicious or spiteful. This was around 3-4 months ago. I told both of them that I was not taking sides, because they were both good friends of mine. Anyway, she started seeing someone and made out with several people; he started seeing someone but revealed recently that it never went very far because he has recently developed feelings for me.

My friend reckons that both of them are free agents and can see exactly who they want. I have to say that when I discovered my ex boyfriend fancied several of my friends I was not in the least bit fazed; but that could just be me.

I told Jon that if his ex ever found out about us she'd probably never forgive either of us. (I'd like to add, btw, that she is seeing one of his good friends as well!) He said that if she was a true friend, she wouldn't mind: especially since she is seeing somebody else now.

Thoughts on this matter?

Reply 2

vicki-xox-

going out with your friends ex's not a good idea..
my ex best friend and ex bf got it together..hid it from me for about a month n some other stuff..totally wrecked my friendship with my friend....
but i guess it all depends on if ur mate is over their ex, and can be happy for you, and wont seem it odd that their mate and ex are together..
with me though it caused alot ofhurt and was complecated, so maybe its diffferent...
i guess it just depends on th people involved and the situation and stuff

xx

Reply 3

Sazarina88

11

If he's completely moved on from his relationship from her then I don't see the problem.

Reply 4

Zafda

8

speak to the ex, see what she says.
point out that she's with one of his good friends, and with no hard feelings you'll start seeing the bloke.

and you'll live happily ever after (hopefully) ;D

Reply 5

Tyler Durden

17

Normally I'd say it's not the best of ideas, but in this case there are a lot of variables which seem to reduce any potential issues. The thing to do might be to have a frank discussion with the girl and tell her how things stand; if she's reasonable she should hopefully be ok about this.

Reply 6

Anthonyjm71

9

Sazarina88

If he's completely moved on from his relationship from her then I don't see the problem.

I agree if thats true.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

thanks for all your advice, I'm glad nobody's screaming at me for being a bad friend! I was never attracted to him when he went out with his ex and I have certainly not triggered their break up - that was due to other reasons.

Since they are both equal (i.e. having made out with or started seeing a good friend of the other - the only difference being that John doesn't mind that his ex is seeing a friend of his) I don't feel so bad but there is the question of loyalty. And people will probably make the wrong assumptions.

englishstudent

if she's reasonable she should hopefully be ok about this

precisely my concern, however - I don't think she will be. :s-smilie:

Reply 8

dede

11

Don't hide it from her, that makes it much much worse. Tell her and fingers crossed she won't be unreasonable.

Reply 9

Emmalina

1

Id say its okay if you ask her permission before doing ANYTHING with him. But that might be too late.

Reply 10

Chumbaniya

17

Why should you be restricted in your choice of partner because of a relationship one of your friends had in the past? If you like John, he likes you, and the relationship between him and your friend is well and truly over, what good reason is there for you not to go out with him? There's no sense in hiding it from your friend though; it will be a lot easier for her to accept if you're open about it, rather than trying to hide it from her and then having her find out later on.

I think it would be safe to say that if your friend and John broke up without any bad feelings between them, your friend shouldn't have any problem at all with you going out with John unless she still has feelings for him.

Going out with a friend's ex...

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