Not having as much sex any more?
So, my boyfriend and myself have been together for 14 months and have been living with each other for 5. He's 28 (29 in a few months) and I'm 21.
In the beginning we would see each other Fri-Sun (we're both single parents, and this was when our children were with other people - the other parents and their families), and had sex pretty much all the time. We would do other stuff; go out for dinner; drinks; go out with friends; attend events; go to the cinema; and even simple things like shopping etc.
After a few months this having sex almost all day decreased to maybe 2-3 times a day: even when I stayed with him and our kids were there and we were spending time the 4 of us (obviously not while they were in the room).
Since I moved in however, we've had sex less and less. Since April we've had sex 3 times. Now, I have some problems with PCOS and it can cause irregular bleeding, but that doesn't mean I can't have sex at other points in the month.
He works quite long hours 8-8, but on a rotational basis. I can understand him being tired after work, but he gets a week where he is off Tues-Thurs and then Sat-Sun, yet we still don't do anything.
I've tried to initiate it, and nothing happens, so I just stop because I hate feeling rejected. However, when he initiates then it happens, because I want it.
We've always had a very good sex life; we know what each other likes and doesn't like; and there has never been any issues with either of us reaching orgasm (more than once) his friend even got drunk and told me, that in confidence, my boyfriend had told him I was the best he had (not to brag, but we are very compatible - he's dominant and I'm submissive, so it works. A LOT). Personally, neither of us have changed. He has this new job, and I no longer work (looking after the kids and going back to uni in August), but we're the same people. We have the same hobbies, do the same things and look the exact same.
In the past he has slept with a lot of women (I'm the high 30s low 40s or thereabout). He used to see people for a few weeks just to have someone to be with, and would basically have sex a few times, realise they couldn't cope with him being a parent and move on. He also had his fair share of one-night stands, so it's not like he has a libido problem.
He says he is still attracted to me, and loves me, but I can't help but feel put out, especially knowing his past. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions as to why this may be?
In the beginning we would see each other Fri-Sun (we're both single parents, and this was when our children were with other people - the other parents and their families), and had sex pretty much all the time. We would do other stuff; go out for dinner; drinks; go out with friends; attend events; go to the cinema; and even simple things like shopping etc.
After a few months this having sex almost all day decreased to maybe 2-3 times a day: even when I stayed with him and our kids were there and we were spending time the 4 of us (obviously not while they were in the room).
Since I moved in however, we've had sex less and less. Since April we've had sex 3 times. Now, I have some problems with PCOS and it can cause irregular bleeding, but that doesn't mean I can't have sex at other points in the month.
He works quite long hours 8-8, but on a rotational basis. I can understand him being tired after work, but he gets a week where he is off Tues-Thurs and then Sat-Sun, yet we still don't do anything.
I've tried to initiate it, and nothing happens, so I just stop because I hate feeling rejected. However, when he initiates then it happens, because I want it.
We've always had a very good sex life; we know what each other likes and doesn't like; and there has never been any issues with either of us reaching orgasm (more than once) his friend even got drunk and told me, that in confidence, my boyfriend had told him I was the best he had (not to brag, but we are very compatible - he's dominant and I'm submissive, so it works. A LOT). Personally, neither of us have changed. He has this new job, and I no longer work (looking after the kids and going back to uni in August), but we're the same people. We have the same hobbies, do the same things and look the exact same.
In the past he has slept with a lot of women (I'm the high 30s low 40s or thereabout). He used to see people for a few weeks just to have someone to be with, and would basically have sex a few times, realise they couldn't cope with him being a parent and move on. He also had his fair share of one-night stands, so it's not like he has a libido problem.
He says he is still attracted to me, and loves me, but I can't help but feel put out, especially knowing his past. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions as to why this may be?
Slip some Viagra in his morning tea 🙊
Sorry..
Has he been coming home later than usual?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Sorry..
Has he been coming home later than usual?
Posted from TSR Mobile
You had sex so many times before, I mean everyday..
Maybe he's just not interested that much in it..
Maybe he's just not interested that much in it..
Original post by Jack Xerxes
Slip some Viagra in his morning tea 🙊
Sorry..
Has he been coming home later than usual?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Sorry..
Has he been coming home later than usual?
Posted from TSR Mobile
No he isn't having an affair. Where he works closes at about 6, then the whole team cleans until about 7, and then he has to do his paperwork, check the plant rooms, cash up and then lock everything up etc.
He'll leave anywhere between 7 and half 7 like clockwork, depending on how much he has to do.
Aside from that he's here with us, or at band practice.
Having less sex when you have been together longer and life gets more in the way is normal, it's not necessarily a problem in itself. It's only problem when someone isn't happy about it. What he has done in the past isn't really relevant because sex drive changes over time. Personally I can have phases of wanting it several times a day to wanting it once very two weeks with no obvious reason for it.
Really you need to talk honestly to him. Nothing else is going to make any difference and it's healthy in a relationship to be able to talk about these sorts of things. Lots of couples have different levels of sex drive but they work it out.
Really you need to talk honestly to him. Nothing else is going to make any difference and it's healthy in a relationship to be able to talk about these sorts of things. Lots of couples have different levels of sex drive but they work it out.
Original post by Crumpet1
He's stressed and exhausted, and it's harder to find the time with the children in the house. It happens. You need to schedule the time into your routine, and organise a holiday!
We did have a holiday booked for the two of us (children are lucky enough to get away with their grandparents), but he was born in South Africa and needed to request a new birth certificate: which can take a minimum of 6 months. So we had to cancel, as he wouldn't get a passport in time for August
I can understand he'd be exhausted after work, but it doesn't stop him coming home and playing Football Manager until all hours of the morning. And on his days off he sleeps in until about 11/12 because I know he needs the sleep. I'm tired too: although I don't work I'm up at 7 every morning to make sure the kids are up and ready for school. I do all the cleaning, cooking, housework, shopping, errand running, paper work and everything else that is involved in running a household. I may not be out the house to do it, but it doesn't mean I don't do anything.
Original post by Melon girl
You had sex so many times before, I mean everyday..
Maybe he's just not interested that much in it..
Maybe he's just not interested that much in it..
I suppose that could be the answer, which is quite upsetting.
Original post by Anonymous
We did have a holiday booked for the two of us (children are lucky enough to get away with their grandparents), but he was born in South Africa and needed to request a new birth certificate: which can take a minimum of 6 months. So we had to cancel, as he wouldn't get a passport in time for August
I can understand he'd be exhausted after work, but it doesn't stop him coming home and playing Football Manager until all hours of the morning. And on his days off he sleeps in until about 11/12 because I know he needs the sleep. I'm tired too: although I don't work I'm up at 7 every morning to make sure the kids are up and ready for school. I do all the cleaning, cooking, housework, shopping, errand running, paper work and everything else that is involved in running a household. I may not be out the house to do it, but it doesn't mean I don't do anything.
I can understand he'd be exhausted after work, but it doesn't stop him coming home and playing Football Manager until all hours of the morning. And on his days off he sleeps in until about 11/12 because I know he needs the sleep. I'm tired too: although I don't work I'm up at 7 every morning to make sure the kids are up and ready for school. I do all the cleaning, cooking, housework, shopping, errand running, paper work and everything else that is involved in running a household. I may not be out the house to do it, but it doesn't mean I don't do anything.
Maybe just a holiday here then? It really does sound like he needs a break, both from work and the computer! (There's no WiFi on a canal boat!)
Original post by BKS
Having less sex when you have been together longer and life gets more in the way is normal, it's not necessarily a problem in itself. It's only problem when someone isn't happy about it. What he has done in the past isn't really relevant because sex drive changes over time. Personally I can have phases of wanting it several times a day to wanting it once very two weeks with no obvious reason for it.
Really you need to talk honestly to him. Nothing else is going to make any difference and it's healthy in a relationship to be able to talk about these sorts of things. Lots of couples have different levels of sex drive but they work it out.
Really you need to talk honestly to him. Nothing else is going to make any difference and it's healthy in a relationship to be able to talk about these sorts of things. Lots of couples have different levels of sex drive but they work it out.
I understand that it can change over time, but not from 2-3 times a day to maybe once a day to suddenly 3 times in 1.5 months.
I know I need to talk to him, and I am going to tonight as I'm having a horrific time of hormonal contraception and have been looking at non-hormonal types, and although I don't like condoms I don't understand why I should pump myself full of stuff, or get a copper coil or something, when we have sex so little that condoms seem the best solution.
It's not that our sex drive is different. Before I had a lot of confidence issues and didn't like sleeping with people, I done it but it wasn't very enjoyable. However he made me feel very comfortable and happy, and I started to enjoy it. He was the reason my sex drive increased, and now it's just ... gone.
Original post by Anonymous
I can understand he'd be exhausted after work, but it doesn't stop him coming home and playing Football Manager until all hours of the morning.
I can understand he'd be exhausted after work, but it doesn't stop him coming home and playing Football Manager until all hours of the morning.
Change your morale level to "Very Low" and put "Unsettled" and see if he interacts with you.
Original post by Crumpet1
Maybe just a holiday here then? It really does sound like he needs a break, both from work and the computer! (There's no WiFi on a canal boat!)
Yeah I'm hoping we get away somewhere, even for a long weekend.
The computer is a big issue, I literally have to close it over to have a conversation with him.
It's quite upsetting thinking that he doesn't find me attractive any more, or that he finds a computer game more interesting than me.
Original post by Anonymous
I understand that it can change over time, but not from 2-3 times a day to maybe once a day to suddenly 3 times in 1.5 months.
I know I need to talk to him, and I am going to tonight as I'm having a horrific time of hormonal contraception and have been looking at non-hormonal types, and although I don't like condoms I don't understand why I should pump myself full of stuff, or get a copper coil or something, when we have sex so little that condoms seem the best solution.
It's not that our sex drive is different. Before I had a lot of confidence issues and didn't like sleeping with people, I done it but it wasn't very enjoyable. However he made me feel very comfortable and happy, and I started to enjoy it. He was the reason my sex drive increased, and now it's just ... gone.
I know I need to talk to him, and I am going to tonight as I'm having a horrific time of hormonal contraception and have been looking at non-hormonal types, and although I don't like condoms I don't understand why I should pump myself full of stuff, or get a copper coil or something, when we have sex so little that condoms seem the best solution.
It's not that our sex drive is different. Before I had a lot of confidence issues and didn't like sleeping with people, I done it but it wasn't very enjoyable. However he made me feel very comfortable and happy, and I started to enjoy it. He was the reason my sex drive increased, and now it's just ... gone.
It's not likely to be all sex drive change, part of it may well be just having been together longer. Like I said, it's normal to have less sex over time. It doesn't mean he is any less attracted to you. If you put the two together then that might be the explanation- you can only work out what it really is by talking.
Sex with someone new is exciting, the lust, the getting to know each other, the developing feelings etc. It just is more exciting, eventually that levels out. If you ask couples who have been together a properly long time a lot will tell you that keeping a good sex life does require increasing effort and even with effort there's still less than in the early days.
Original post by BKS
It's not likely to be all sex drive change, part of it may well be just having been together longer. Like I said, it's normal to have less sex over time. It doesn't mean he is any less attracted to you. If you put the two together then that might be the explanation- you can only work out what it really is by talking.
Sex with someone new is exciting, the lust, the getting to know each other, the developing feelings etc. It just is more exciting, eventually that levels out. If you ask couples who have been together a properly long time a lot will tell you that keeping a good sex life does require increasing effort and even with effort there's still less than in the early days.
Sex with someone new is exciting, the lust, the getting to know each other, the developing feelings etc. It just is more exciting, eventually that levels out. If you ask couples who have been together a properly long time a lot will tell you that keeping a good sex life does require increasing effort and even with effort there's still less than in the early days.
Yeah that makes sense, I just didn't think a decrease would be so sudden or by so much. I have spoken to him before, when I first noticed it, and he said it's just because he was tired and not to worry. He gets quite offended when I ask him, as though I am accusing him of something or saying he isn't 'man' enough or whatever, when I've quite simply said "we aren't having sex as much, is everything okay?". I need to speak to him about it again though, because the contraception issue. Neither of us particularly like condoms, but for 2 times a month it seems the feasible option. If it were more then I'd consider getting the copper coil, but it doesn't seem worthwhile to have the procedure, especially with the possible complications, for something that isn't even needed all too often.
It's frustrating because when we do have sex it's just as good as it always has been, and he makes comments like "aw it's been too long" and then doesn't do anything about that!
Original post by Anonymous
Yeah I'm hoping we get away somewhere, even for a long weekend.
The computer is a big issue, I literally have to close it over to have a conversation with him.
It's quite upsetting thinking that he doesn't find me attractive any more, or that he finds a computer game more interesting than me.
The computer is a big issue, I literally have to close it over to have a conversation with him.
It's quite upsetting thinking that he doesn't find me attractive any more, or that he finds a computer game more interesting than me.
I'm sure he doesn't find the game more interesting than you - it sounds like he doesn't get much down time apart from band practice, so if the game is his other main hobby I can see why he's on it so much, though obviously he should be getting more sleep so he's not so tired all the time!
As others have said - it is natural for the amount of sex to decrease over time and I guess the rate of the decline is variable among couples. It sounds like you guys started with unusually frequent sex (practically all day every day), so the amount it's dropped to now seems like a sharp drop to you whereas for others it wouldn't be such a difference.
Does he still seem to appreciate everything you do for him, the house and the children? Maybe he's taking you for granted a bit these days.
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