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ex-bf cant move on coz i'm still here...

I broke up with my long term bf (2.5 years) a week ago coz we'd drifted apart n after he was out of the country for a month (n i couldnt get in touch with him at all), i realised it just wasnt working anymore, somewhere, i no longer loved him as a bf, but back to the best friends we used to b.

i was his very first gf n first love, n i kno i broke his heart, but we'll b going separate ways to uni in a month so i thought better split now than have us start making plans for a LDR doomed for disaster.

now i would like us to b friends n after a difficult 1st week, we've started talking again.

but i've also found out thru him n thru his mates that he doesnt want to get attached to anyone the way he loved me ever again coz it hurts too much afterwards. n i kno he means it, n i feel so so bad....

now what? shld i walk away completely from him so that he can move on? i need his friendship but i have no claim to anything of the like after breaking up with him. he's not angry, he understands y it wasnt working, but he still loves me. he's willing 2 remain friends, but i'm the one who's unsure now that i kno how he feels.... :s-smilie:

any advice? sorry 4 long post btw

Reply 1

cinder

10

Its his problem not yours. You cn't help how he feels. You don't NEED his friendship either, you just want it because you feel bad about him and don't feel like you should move on. You both need to move on and get over each other instead if tormenting yourselves

Been in this situation. It sucks I know.

Reply 2

matt@internet

12

I think you should try to remain friends with the guy, until you both agree that it might not be a good idea/isn't working out.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

cinder

Its his problem not yours. You cn't help how he feels. You don't NEED his friendship either, you just want it because you feel bad about him and don't feel like you should move on. You both need to move on and get over each other instead if tormenting yourselves

Been in this situation. It sucks I know.

People like you dont have a clue, 2.5 Years is a long time! espically when your a teen it feels like for ever! Its not as dam easy as you think it is, being like that to some you were so dlose to . so just dont give your advice cause it sucks. No decent couple would talk like that if they broke in a civil manner.

OT: I know it must be hard, and it will take time for both of you. I suggest you stay friends. As time goes on, he may get better and actually move on or it could go the other way and you feel you have made the biggest mistake in your life. My advice stay as friends to what ever happens. Your be loosing a good friend or even your best chance in life if you let go now.

I belive know one will love you more than your first (proper) Love. Hope you remember that.

Reply 4

freshestkid

1

Give him as much space as he needs, if you're constantly trying to get in touch with him to let him know that you wanna still be friends it'll just piss him off. He knows where you stand, so leave him to make his mind up on it. If he wants to continue your relationship, he will. Good luck

Reply 5

hippieglitter

19

Anonymous

I broke up with my long term bf (2.5 years) a week ago coz we'd drifted apart n after he was out of the country for a month (n i couldnt get in touch with him at all), i realised it just wasnt working anymore, somewhere, i no longer loved him as a bf, but back to the best friends we used to b.

i was his very first gf n first love, n i kno i broke his heart, but we'll b going separate ways to uni in a month so i thought better split now than have us start making plans for a LDR doomed for disaster.

now i would like us to b friends n after a difficult 1st week, we've started talking again.

but i've also found out thru him n thru his mates that he doesnt want to get attached to anyone the way he loved me ever again coz it hurts too much afterwards. n i kno he means it, n i feel so so bad....

now what? shld i walk away completely from him so that he can move on? i need his friendship but i have no claim to anything of the like after breaking up with him. he's not angry, he understands y it wasnt working, but he still loves me. he's willing 2 remain friends, but i'm the one who's unsure now that i kno how he feels.... :s-smilie:

any advice? sorry 4 long post btw

I am in almost the same boat but my ex will do as much as possible to see me as often as he can simply because he knows that there is no chance of us getting back together and he would rather be my friend than not have me in his life at all and when we go to different unis he has said he will get another girlfriend. I think uni, being in a new place with new people and you not around to distract him will help him move on. He will have freshers week to make a whole bunch of new friends and get completely pissed, have several one night stands if he is that kind of guy and then he can start looking for a new relationship. Uni is the best place to find a partner, i've got the best boyfriend ever at uni, and so many people meet their soul mates at uni.
Plus i think the break up did him some good, cos although it hurt at the time it meant he could stop constantly worrying about what i was doing away at uni and encouraged him to go for it and apply to uni himself.

Reply 6

amie

14

Anonymous

People like you dont have a clue, 2.5 Years is a long time! espically when your a teen it feels like for ever! Its not as dam easy as you think it is, being like that to some you were so dlose to . so just dont give your advice cause it sucks. No decent couple would talk like that if they broke in a civil manner.

OT: I know it must be hard, and it will take time for both of you. I suggest you stay friends. As time goes on, he may get better and actually move on or it could go the other way and you feel you have made the biggest mistake in your life. My advice stay as friends to what ever happens. Your be loosing a good friend or even your best chance in life if you let go now.

Two and a half years is a long time in teen relationships, but so what? I've been with my boyfriend for four and a half years but after a year and a half he broke up with me (we got back together a little while down the line). We tried to stay friends but it just didn't work - it was too hard for me. He still cared about me and wanted me as a friend but because I still wanted to be with him being friends just wasn't going to work.

I agree with cinders, you don't 'need' his friendship - it's nice to have someone that you're so close to but when it ends it ends. Trying to hold on to the platonic aspect will just make it harder for you to make a clean break in the long run.

My advice would be to stop seeing one another for a while. Maybe talk on MSN or something sometimes, but stop hanging out. Give it a few months, maybe go for a coffee to test the waters at Christmas when you're home from uni. You both need a chance to make the break and heal, and only once you've done that can you try being friends again.

Obviously it's easier said than done, but that's my opinion.

Reply 7

username47781

20

Unfortunatly this sort of thing will take time for him to get over, 2.5 years is a long time, you can't expect him to be over you, especially if he geniunely loved you, i'm suprised you didn't talk and find a solution though and maybe the relationship could have survived.

But if he finds someone else then you won't have to worry then.

Reply 8

generalebriety

16

Anonymous

People like you dont have a clue, 2.5 Years is a long time! espically when your a teen it feels like for ever! Its not as dam easy as you think it is, being like that to some you were so dlose to . so just dont give your advice cause it sucks. No decent couple would talk like that if they broke in a civil manner.

OT: I know it must be hard, and it will take time for both of you. I suggest you stay friends. As time goes on, he may get better and actually move on or it could go the other way and you feel you have made the biggest mistake in your life. My advice stay as friends to what ever happens. Your be loosing a good friend or even your best chance in life if you let go now.

Reply 9

Laika

1

Give him time.

If he still wants to see you sometimes then I advise you do rather than cut him out completely. After 2 years together a total cut-off would make it even harder. It would be better to see him and gradually see less of eachother until you part for Uni and he can start again.

Reply 10

cinder

10

Anonymous

People like you dont have a clue, 2.5 Years is a long time! espically when your a teen it feels like for ever! Its not as dam easy as you think it is, being like that to some you were so dlose to . so just dont give your advice cause it sucks. No decent couple would talk like that if they broke in a civil manner.
.

Actually you have no clue about me...I do have a clue. I have been in this situation...three years is also a long time but the only way me and my ex could get over each other was to stop seeing each other and not to be friends because its way too hard to start a totally different relationship from the one you had. And it bloody hurts too. To be friends still and have them tell you they have a date with someone else...blah blah blah. I think it is nice to stay friends but first, before you can do that, you need to sever the ties and have some space between you because you're not giving yourself time to let your emotions settle. Thats how you go back into relationships you don't really want to be in. You need to sort your own head out first and let them do the same.
So yeah, **** off Mr Anonymous.

Reply 11

amie

14

cinder

Actually you have no clue about me...I do have a clue. I have been in this situation...three years is also a long time but the only way me and my ex could get over each other was to stop seeing each other and not to be friends because its way too hard to start a totally different relationship from the one you had. And it bloody hurts too. To be friends still and have them tell you they have a date with someone else...blah blah blah. I think it is nice to stay friends but first, before you can do that, you need to sever the ties and have some space between you because you're not giving yourself time to let your emotions settle. Thats how you go back into relationships you don't really want to be in. You need to sort your own head out first and let them do the same.
So yeah, **** off Mr Anonymous.

That's been my experience too :smile:

Reply 12

lilac!!

15

you have to explain to him that its over and he sould move on

Reply 13

FireDeuce

14

When you break up with someone, or when someone dies you always think that you can't, or won't love again because it hurts too much. But over time, they stop thinking like that. So don't worry about ruining his life forever, because you haven't.

Reply 14

Anonymous #3

I was going to post a problem like this but i didnt know how to explain it and also it makes me start crying whenever i think about it! I too have recently broken up with my boyfriend because even though I love him with all my heart, I dont love him in the right way-not physically...just as my best friend which he has been for the last few years. Starting a relationship with him was a huge risk and for a while i thought it would work and that i was happy. But i realised i wasnt happy, i was just trying to make myself think like that to prevent myself from having to hurt him. The thing i was most scared of was losing him as my best friend...i feel so guilty the whole time about breaking up with him even though I knew it was the right thing to do. I told him i'd give him space and that he can contact me when he wants, but he said he needs me and all this totally intense stuff that scares me because im so young and not ready for all that. It's flattering but it's making me feel worse as well because I inflicted all that pain on him. Anyway to the OP, sorry got a bit caught up there talking about myself, but just wanted to say Im in the same situation and dont know whether to try and break away from him for a bit (except im going to lose the best friend i ever had if i do) i just wish you luck, because i know im going to need it as well and know how hard this all is xxx

Reply 15

username47781

20

cinder

Actually you have no clue about me...I do have a clue. I have been in this situation...three years is also a long time but the only way me and my ex could get over each other was to stop seeing each other and not to be friends because its way too hard to start a totally different relationship from the one you had. And it bloody hurts too. To be friends still and have them tell you they have a date with someone else...blah blah blah. I think it is nice to stay friends but first, before you can do that, you need to sever the ties and have some space between you because you're not giving yourself time to let your emotions settle. Thats how you go back into relationships you don't really want to be in. You need to sort your own head out first and let them do the same.
So yeah, **** off Mr Anonymous.

the earlier post you made i didn't really agree with but this post i do, i say yes you gotta cut all ties especially if you say you want to be still friends but he's too heartbroken then the only way i am afraid is to cut all contact.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

OP

we dont meet coz of parental probs, so the only contact we have now is on msn even though we live 10 mins apart by bus. i do talk to him whenever i see him online... but i'm afraid to cut all ties. he was my best friend ever n knows me better than anyone else. n i do need him, at least for now. i find myself thinking of him whenever something important happens in my life, like he's still the 1st person i should tell.

Reply 17

username47781

20

Anonymous

we dont meet coz of parental probs, so the only contact we have now is on msn even though we live 10 mins apart by bus. i do talk to him whenever i see him online... but i'm afraid to cut all ties. he was my best friend ever n knows me better than anyone else. n i do need him, at least for now. i find myself thinking of him whenever something important happens in my life, like he's still the 1st person i should tell.

You say you've drifted apart but yet you go straight to him when you got problems, why break up in the first place? do you know what you really want? maybe you still got got feelings for him, if you want him to get over it the only way is to cut all ties.

ex-bf cant move on coz i'm still here...

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