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Relationship falling apart...
Hey,
Just a quick query. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 15 months and have recently started a long distance relationship (about 3 hours drive away). I've noticed that the effort he is making seems to be getting less..he doesn't make the effort to come and see me or arrange something (I could go up to him), and when I ask why he says it is because it is not practical and takes too long to get to me just for a weekend (he would arrive late friday after work and then have to leave mine sunday afternoon).
My reaction to that is not favourable...am I being unreasonable to expect him to make the effort to see me despite it not being practical as he says? I thought if you wanted to see someone enough you would do what you could to see them, especially as it has been 3 weeks since I've seen him. He also doesn't call me because he claims he is too busy, yet can find time for everything else but me (go out with friends twice a week, play with his computer, watch tv etc), so atm it is literally communication by text or IM. I have also noticed that he isn't very talkative anymore...he says that he just doesn't have much to tell me.
I have asked him if he is going off me and still wants the same thing in this relationship and he insists he does, then gets really defensive whenever I tell him I'm unhappy with anything (he is convinced that all I do is tell him how I'd be happier with someone else). Is it worth the effort here...I'm trying really hard to work out where I may be contributing to our problems, but he seems to defensive to do the same.
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!
Just a quick query. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 15 months and have recently started a long distance relationship (about 3 hours drive away). I've noticed that the effort he is making seems to be getting less..he doesn't make the effort to come and see me or arrange something (I could go up to him), and when I ask why he says it is because it is not practical and takes too long to get to me just for a weekend (he would arrive late friday after work and then have to leave mine sunday afternoon).
My reaction to that is not favourable...am I being unreasonable to expect him to make the effort to see me despite it not being practical as he says? I thought if you wanted to see someone enough you would do what you could to see them, especially as it has been 3 weeks since I've seen him. He also doesn't call me because he claims he is too busy, yet can find time for everything else but me (go out with friends twice a week, play with his computer, watch tv etc), so atm it is literally communication by text or IM. I have also noticed that he isn't very talkative anymore...he says that he just doesn't have much to tell me.
I have asked him if he is going off me and still wants the same thing in this relationship and he insists he does, then gets really defensive whenever I tell him I'm unhappy with anything (he is convinced that all I do is tell him how I'd be happier with someone else). Is it worth the effort here...I'm trying really hard to work out where I may be contributing to our problems, but he seems to defensive to do the same.
Any advice would be appreciated, thanks!
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You're being unreasonable. He has work and other things to consider and can't drop it all to make the long journey to see you whenever you want.
If you don't like it, end it.
Your problems are probably that you nag him all the time and always complain how 'unhappy' you are and never give any positives or show that you understand how difficult it is for him to see you when he has a job to go to etc.
If you don't like it, end it.
Your problems are probably that you nag him all the time and always complain how 'unhappy' you are and never give any positives or show that you understand how difficult it is for him to see you when he has a job to go to etc.
Wonderboy Blue
You're being unreasonable. He has work and other things to consider and can't drop it all to make the long journey to see you whenever you want.
If you don't like it, end it.
If you don't like it, end it.
I'm not expecting it whenever I want, just once in a while would be nice...
Plus I am not refusing to get the train up to him, but he never suggests it, and I'm fed up with doing all the pursuing.
Do you ever go to see him? Becasue if it's just him doing all the work then no wonder he's becoming less keen on it. However if you do then yeah i think he's being unreasonable if he wants to see you he should make time for you and not let any practicalities get in the way. You need to talk to him and find out if a long distance relationship is the thing for you two or whether it'd be best to just move on, becuase sadly a lot of people lose interest after a while especially if they cant be assed to make the effort.
lala_land
Do you ever go to see him? Becasue if it's just him doing all the work then no wonder he's becoming less keen on it. However if you do then yeah i think he's being unreasonable if he wants to see you he should make time for you and not let any practicalities get in the way. You need to talk to him and find out if a long distance relationship is the thing for you two or whether it'd be best to just move on, becuase sadly a lot of people lose interest after a while especially if they cant be assed to make the effort.
I went up there at the last minute because there was a bit of an emergency right at the beginning of our LDR...it has only been since the beginning of July that we have been living so far apart. I do a lot of work in other areas, so I don't expect him to do everything.
I've tried to discuss this with him, but it ends up with him telling me to just leave him if I'm not happy...whatever happened to taking responsibility for absolutely ANYTHING he may be doing to contribute to the problem..?
Don't nag or just be stubborn and always ask 'why'. If he's said end it if you want then honestly that shows he doesn't care if you stay or go.
Like I said, if you don't like it, end it.
A weekend is plenty time to see you though, I'd love a weekend with someone.
Like I said, if you don't like it, end it.
A weekend is plenty time to see you though, I'd love a weekend with someone.
Anonymous
I went up there at the last minute because there was a bit of an emergency right at the beginning of our LDR...it has only been since the beginning of July that we have been living so far apart. I do a lot of work in other areas, so I don't expect him to do everything.
I've tried to discuss this with him, but it ends up with him telling me to just leave him if I'm not happy...whatever happened to taking responsibility for absolutely ANYTHING he may be doing to contribute to the problem..?
I've tried to discuss this with him, but it ends up with him telling me to just leave him if I'm not happy...whatever happened to taking responsibility for absolutely ANYTHING he may be doing to contribute to the problem..?
Well he doesn't seem very bothered about it if he's willing to just give you up like that.. i think you need to go there again and talk to him, and if he doesn't seem to make much of an effort like hes not now i would get rid of him, it takes a lot to make an LDR work and he's not putting much work into it.
I dont think your being unreasonable at all. The idea of a relationship is to talk and to spend time with each other. Maybe go and visit him and talk to him about it because if your face to face he cant make excuses to change the subject nor can he be as defensive as he cant run away from you whilst your there can he?
Just because you arent speaking to or seeing him however much it was doesnt give him an excuse to not make effort . If he really cant handle his work and you then maybe the best thing to do would to break up so you can be happy and carry on your life . This is the best thing to do if your unhappy he cant expect to make you unhappy so he can go out with his mates!
Just because you arent speaking to or seeing him however much it was doesnt give him an excuse to not make effort . If he really cant handle his work and you then maybe the best thing to do would to break up so you can be happy and carry on your life . This is the best thing to do if your unhappy he cant expect to make you unhappy so he can go out with his mates!
Wonderboy Blue
QUOTE]
Part of me agrees that it suggests he doesn't care. But the other part of me doesn't and that's why I'm finding it hard to decide where to carry on with the relationship or not. This is because he is a bit weak and cowardly when it comes to fighting for things when they go sour...think his confidence in his abilities to make a women happy is rather low after his previous relationship. Hence he sees any criticism as an attack at him and convinces himself that I don't want him, JUST because I am not happy with everything he does for me.
Anonymous
Plus I am not refusing to get the train up to him, but he never suggests it, and I'm fed up with doing all the pursuing.
Plus I am not refusing to get the train up to him, but he never suggests it, and I'm fed up with doing all the pursuing.
Why don't you suggest it? If you prove willing, it might make him feel more willing to make more effort.
Perhaps be he never suggests it because it might seem the wrong thing to ask of you because you seem to have asserted him to be in charge of meetings etc. and you have put the emphasis on his effort?
Serenity87
Why don't you suggest it? If you prove willing, it might make him feel more willing to make more effort.
Perhaps be he never suggests it because it might seem the wrong thing to ask of you because you seem to have asserted him to be in charge of meetings etc. and you have put the emphasis on his effort?
Perhaps be he never suggests it because it might seem the wrong thing to ask of you because you seem to have asserted him to be in charge of meetings etc. and you have put the emphasis on his effort?
Because I want him to invite me off his own back...he is not a thick guy. In my view if he really wanted me up there he would have thought of alternatives to him coming to see me. I'm being stubborn at the moment because I have given and given so much for too long, with little back..god i sound self righteous, but I'm just resentful. I want him to prove to me that he wants me enough...but I'm not sure if I'm being realistic with my expectations from him.
Wonderboy Blue
You're being unreasonable. He has work and other things to consider and can't drop it all to make the long journey to see you whenever you want.
If you don't like it, end it.
Your problems are probably that you nag him all the time and always complain how 'unhappy' you are and never give any positives or show that you understand how difficult it is for him to see you when he has a job to go to etc.
If you don't like it, end it.
Your problems are probably that you nag him all the time and always complain how 'unhappy' you are and never give any positives or show that you understand how difficult it is for him to see you when he has a job to go to etc.
I would show that I understood if I actually did.. but yea I think you are partly right about voicing what I'm unhappy with more than what I am. Thing is how do I know whether he is just reacting to how I've been recently, or its more that he is selfish and not worth troubling with?
If you've been nagging recently and constantly negative, and this is about the time he started to be off with you, then there is reason to believe the two events are related.
You're not being unreasonable. It's not unreasonable to expect your partner to see you on a regular basis. Don't listen to Wonderboy_Blue; I don't think he has ever had anything useful to say.
Wonderboy Blue
If you've been nagging recently and constantly negative, and this is about the time he started to be off with you, then there is reason to believe the two events are related.
I don't tend to be a nagger, I make as much effort as I can to try and communicate what I'm unhappy with in a loving way. However, I do tend to get frustrated and angry really quickly and we just end up going round in circles..he is the opposite to me and avoids confrontation or will just walk off when he doesn't like what he is hearing. I think this has been going on for a while (me perhaps highlighting too many negative bits) but to be fair, he has to take responsibility for where he may be contributing.
Everytime I try and talk to him about it, he accuses me of expecting him to be perfect!
Thanks for the responses so far? any more?
Awww poor you! But it DOES seem to me like a one sided relationship. Talk to him about where you stand. If he replies with his 'leave me if you're not happy' line, then i'd leave... i'd not like to be in a relationship where my partner couldn't care less whether i stayed with him or not!
Good Luck anyway hun x
poor you! But it DOES seem to me like a one sided relationship. Talk to him about where you stand. If he replies with his 'leave me if you're not happy' line, then i'd leave... i'd not like to be in a relationship where my partner couldn't care less whether i stayed with him or not!Good Luck anyway hun x
Thanks for the responses so far! any more?
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