Hoplessly confused and condemned (yep, it's a girl)

Okay, so there is this girl - woman really, but habbits of speech are hard to break - that I have known since I started as an undergraduate. That is over 6 years ago now - yep I am mid 20's and still have this kind of crap to deal with. We kind of lost contact for a while but then met up again in the past couple of years and re-formed our friendship. Since then she has moved away from where I am (a good few hours by train) but we still meet up over weekends when we can.

I haven't had many (if any) other close friends, not as close as we are anyway. Maybe it is all on my side. We always have a good time when we are together and there is a bit of flirting going on, but I think that is just in her nature and nothing can really be read into it. We also manage to have serious conversations and she is one of only a couple of people I have told about some very personal issues. So basically, she is someone I trust and probably my best friend. If I am hers is something I am not 100% sure about. I have trouble believing that she would want to be around me in the first place most of the time.

Recently, I have started to notice that when I leave her place or drop her off at the train station I seem to miss her more and more. This weekend was the worst of the lot. I walked out of the station and wandered around town feeling really empty inside - in stark contrast to the funsome(?) weekend we had just had. I was mulling various things over in my mind and most of them pointed towards nothing being possible between us (see next paragraph). I eventually managed to buy all the stuff that I needed to buy and when I got home I sat down and just cried. A lot. I just couldn't hold it in. I felt so stupid... I haven't bawled like that for a long, LONG time. But I couldn't stop for like 20 minutes on and off. Two whole days have gone by and I still feel like crap and cant concentrate on anything.

Now I know that most people would probably say things along the lines of "tell her how you feel!", but there are a couple of things that are keeping me back. Firstly, I don't want to screw things up between us for ever and ever. She is the only person in the world that I could speak to about certain things and (I know this is kind of selfish) I don't want to loose that. The second issue is her fiancee.... with whom she has been with since before she even met me. Not only do I believe that she is perfectly happy with this guy, but I actually really like him and consider him a friend as well. It would be quite spectacularly ****ty for me to even try anything. Finally.... fear. How on earth would I deal with a rejection?

Now since I can't say anything to her I seem to have two options. Either I keep on torturing myself or I stop meeting up with her. Neither of these seem particularly attractive but I can easily see myself going with the first one, like a moth towards a flame, even though it will likely be damaging to me. Anyone have any insight? Perhaps from a similar situation?

I don't really expect much in the way of replies with suggestions, I just needed to let this stuff out somehow. Maybe it will help me pull myself together. Any comments would be appreciated though. :redface:

Reply 1

kizer

15

Tough break. I wouldn't get too down, you will get over her eventually.

Reply 2

so_this_is_sam

3

She has a fiance and she's happy with him...harsh as this may sound but that says it all. Could you really risk ruining that for her? I know it may seem like you love this woman but could it be that you are confusing your feelings a little? If she's the first woman you have been able to trust and talk to perhaps you think you like her more than you actually do? I really dont think you should try and break her and her fiance up, not only would it ruin your friendship but it's a really horrible thing to do. But if you just disappear and tell her you can no longer be friend you'll end up hurting her. It's really tricky but I think you need to tell her the truth, that you think you are having some feelings about her that you shouldnt be and that you know nothing can happen. Then let her decide what she wants to do. She may decide it is too risky to keep seeing you, but hopefully she will understand and try to help, talk to you etc, get you over her!! Who knows? Whatever you do though, i think you shld accept u cant be with this girl.

Reply 3

username47781

20

yeah don't wanna sound harsh but she is already taken, but i do know how it feels though, its a horrible feeling.

Reply 4

Chumbaniya

17

Ouch. I don't envy your position there. Considering she has a fiancee, she's very happy with him, and you and he get on well, your options seem very limited.

Yes, I realise that my post was devoid of any advice.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

so_this_is_sam

She has a fiance and she's happy with him...harsh as this may sound but that says it all. Could you really risk ruining that for her? I know it may seem like you love this woman but could it be that you are confusing your feelings a little? If she's the first woman you have been able to trust and talk to perhaps you think you like her more than you actually do?

This thought has occured to me as well.... if this is the case, then wouldn't telling her how I THINK I feel potentially be a monumental waste of a good friendship?

I know for sure I love her, so I don't want to hurt her in any way. Whether I really love her as in I am IN LOVE with her is less certain, i guess. But that's yet another reason not to tell her anything. It's the only way she doesn't have to deal with it.