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Should I out him to her?

Ok so I have two friends. I know that the guy is gay (he's told me so) but he hasn't come out yet (only a few friends knows). He started dating this girl I know about 3 months back. When he first started dating her I thought maybe he thinks he's bisexual or something and that's why he was dating her but since then he has confessed that he's only doing this to look 'normal' and 'fit in with the lads'. I know that the girl genuinely likes him and she loves spending time with him etc. Has feeling for him and all that. I've told the guy to stop seeing her and to just break up with her even if he doesn't tell her the truth. This was around 2 month ago. He agreed to do it but hasn't done it yet. I've asked him about it and he says he's going to do it but I don't think he will. Meanwhile the girl's feelings towards him are becoming more and more. I hate that. She's my friend and I don't want her to get hurt. She's has low self esteem and is quite insecure even now. This will probably just make it worse. I feel like I'm living in a weird teenage drama.

So what should I do, just tell her the truth? Make up some other reason as to why she should break up with him? I can't say I feel sorry for him since he's acting like a dickhead. Normally I wouldn't get involved but tbh the girl is quite vulnerable and I feel that she might go into depression. (She has had problems with depression before). I want to help but I also feel it's not my place. I have lost so much respect for the guy. He says it's because gay people face this and that but there are other openly gay students at college and no one cares. I understand if he doesn't want to come out but what he's doing is awful. I also get the feeling that he enjoys doing this.

Sorry for the long read.

Reply 1

stargirl63

You don't necessarily need to tell her - but you need to tell him to tell her. I appreciate he needs to fit in, NOT at the expense of her feelings. There's enough people out there who are single, and tbh if his friends have an issue with him being gay, they are not his friends.

Tell him that if he doesn't say anything, you will.

Then if he still doesn't say anything, maybe catch both of them when they are hanging out together and bring it up, such as a "I'm shocked that you guys are still together considering one of you is gay". Make sure she knows.

Reply 2

username1066741

I think she definitely need to know, you just need to be careful about how she finds out. The longer you leave it the more hurt she'll end up feeling when it's over, so I think you need to act sooner rather than later? I'd say the best way to go would be to try and get him to do it, but if not you'll have to do it yourself.

Like you said she's going to feel a lot of hurt when they break up, you've said its not your place to help, but as she's your friend I think you really should help her. Being one of the only people that knows the truth means that you're probably the only one that knows enough about the situation to help her properly. If she's going into depression again then she realistically needs help, I've known people who've tried to help themselves and they've all failed. Stick with her, she'll need you with what she's about to face...

Reply 3

Georgie_M

Yes he is doing an awful thing, he is using her to hide his secret - not on! It is fine that he doesn't want to reveal that he is gay but he does not need to involve and very likely hurt others in the process.

I would tell him to break it off with her (without revealing that he is gay) otherwise you will have to tell her that he is gay. I don't usually favour ultimatums but I think in this instance it is necessary. Best all round would be him breaking it off for some other reason, that way everyone saves face.

Reply 4

Flauta

Definitely talk to him about it first, not to defend what he's doing but getting forced out of the closet is horrible and it should be a last resort. He needs to break it off ASAP, he doesn't have to tell her it's because he's gay but it will be better for everyone (including him) if it's done sooner than later.

Reply 5

The Empire Odyssey

This is how married gay men cheat on their wives... It is just horrendous!

Where is your sisterhood man?!?! Go and tell your girlfriend! I mean what would she do if she found out that you knew all this time and didn't tell her? You don't owe anything to either of them, but the moral thing to do is to tell the guy to suck it up and dump the gf, or you WILL have to do it.

Yes, I sympathize with him and is perhaps "confusion" with his sexuality, but he really should not lead someone on and potentially ruin their self-esteem. It's simply wrong in my opinion.

I mean, one could argue, aren't you being just as bad as him, by not telling her? I think you ought to tell her simply because it is the right thing to do. Just imagine what would happen if you were your friend? Try and that in your mind.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

I have spoken to him and given him an ultimatum. Tbh he acts like he cares but I don't think he's going to break up with her. He just pretends so I'd back off. I highly doubt he's going to do it himself. He's being quite selfish and I think I'm just going to go ahead and tell her.

Would it be better to do it while he's also present or just tell her when he's not around?

Reply 7

noobynoo

Hmm...

Well if the guy is your friend then you should tell him to stop being a dick.

If the girl is your friend then you should tell her.

If in doubt remember this simple catchphrase:

"Bros before hos"

Now for my armchair psychology. Perhaps this is a guy who likes the idea of being gay but is not actually gay. For example he might like musicals. But would actually rather sleep with Dorothy than be "friends" with her. (BTW that's fine because she was 16)

Here's a test. Leave a copy of Heat magazine and Nuts on his table and see which one he reads.