The Student Room Group

Question...

if you were in a long-term relationship with someone, but had issues from earlier on in the relationship that were playing on your mind and affecting the relationship now, would you open up to your partner and tell them about them? such as youve found out about lies your partner told (they personally told you they lied), and concequently have lost trust and confidence in them deep down. even though bringing up the issues may potentially harm the relationship (not destroy it) would it be worth bringing up the past just to let them know how bad youre feeling?

alternatively, if your partner was having those thoughts and feelings, would you want them to open up to you so you could confront the problem and get over it or would you rather they kept it to themselves?
Reply 1
Well the fact it's bothering you and making you feel bad shows that the relationship is already damaged. Talking about it should help resolve the situation. If it doesn't then you need to ask whether or not the relationship is really what you want.

As they say - a relationship is nothing without trust.


I think if anything was troubling my partner about our relationship I'd want them to open up to me. I hate the thought of them having some issue but not telling me about it so we could sort it.
Yeah, better to have it in the open, that way you avoid the doubt, suspicion etc that can arise from bottling stuff up. Im kinda in that position myself, but since i'm not exactly blameless myself im gonna let sleeping dogs lie in my situation
Reply 3
It depends what sort of things you need to bring up really. Some things in the past you need to move on from and lay at rest. However if it is a persistant worry that is constantly bugging you then you need to talk about it and get it resolved. Even if it is difficult and potentially damaging, the long term benefits would outweigh this easily.
Reply 4
i told my boyfriend with time. I said i didnt wanna go into details, but id tell him when i felt it was right. Took me 4 months to open up to him and he was fine about it. He was more bothered about when it was right for me, than his state of mind waiting.
yes
Reply 6
you need trust to make a relationship realy work and last. you also need honesty, in reflection of those two things, i would say yes definately. you need to be completely honest and open with each other, or else it wil grow and grow inside your mind and become a biger problem-deal with it whilst you can, without it destroying the relstionship :smile:
thanks for the advice. i just sent a loong email to him...so now i have to run away for a few days lol. but sounds like ive done the right thing, so thanks for easing my worrying...
Reply 8
HeStoleMyCrayon
if you were in a long-term relationship with someone, but had issues from earlier on in the relationship that were playing on your mind and affecting the relationship now, would you open up to your partner and tell them about them? such as youve found out about lies your partner told (they personally told you they lied), and concequently have lost trust and confidence in them deep down. even though bringing up the issues may potentially harm the relationship (not destroy it) would it be worth bringing up the past just to let them know how bad youre feeling?

alternatively, if your partner was having those thoughts and feelings, would you want them to open up to you so you could confront the problem and get over it or would you rather they kept it to themselves?


Bringing up the past is not always good. I've learnt the hard way that you shouldn't drag it all out again unless it is relevant to the relationship today. For example dragging up the past about things that happened when you were more naive and not yet really mature, this only causes trouble and damage to relationships.
If the relationship is worthwhile, don't pick up on the past. Maybe look to your partner for reassurance about your feelings and explain your thoughts, but don't go into it ready to blame, as this will just end the relationship or put it into a downward spiral.
nah im not blaming him for anything, i just wanna talk about a few things that have been playing on my mind, nothing really serious like an affair or anything, but i want to deal with it coz it's affecting the way im acting with him now. i just dont want to appear like im badgering him...
Reply 10
yeah just talk it out with him