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How can I make things better?
Hello, lovely fellow TSRers,
Now, I'm not too fond of the Anonymous tool thingy myself, but I'm laying myself bare here and would rather keep my identity 'secret' for now. Might be a bit long, sorry!, but I'd really appreciate your advice on this one.
I met this lovely boy in late March, and we've been in an on-off, sort of 'seeing each other but not really a couple' relationship since. Because of some weird circumstances, I ended up moving in with him and his family, temporarily, in July and as a result, we got a lot closer and recently agreed to make whatever our bond was official. Now, I was obviously very chuffed, as I began developing feelings for him shortly after we started seeing each other and had more or less always wanted us to be a couple.
Everything was fine, until a week ago. See, when he met he'd only just come out of a very long-term relationship (four, five years) with this absolutely lovely girl, the only reason for their break-up being that things were getting a little pear-shaped between them, as she went to uni in Bournemouth and he stayed in London. Neither of them had anything to fault the other for, so they decided to try and stay very close as mates. Now, I have no problems with this. Obviously, as I'm really quite smitten with my boyfriend, I feel a little strange about them staying in contact quite as much as they do, but I completely understand that the two of them have to sort things out. That's perfectly fine.
However, a week ago, his ex decided that she wanted to come to London and visit everyone, and organise their trip to Edinburgh festival. Everything was alright, but it turned out, in the end, that she couldn't stay with her mother as she has a bit of a shaky relationship with her - and therefore had to stay at my boyfriend's. Again, I didn't particularly mind, until I found out a) that she didn't know that we're a couple, b) that because my boyfriend wanted things to go smoothly, I couldn't really be in the house while she was there and c) that they were probably going to end up sleeping in the same bed.
Obviously this upset me, but I went along with it because I trust my boyfriend implicitely, and because I understood that it would only be awkward for me to meet his ex. Besides, he's a lovely boy and is extremely accommodating with everyone. So, I spent the night at my best mate's, came back the following day, and everything seemed alright to begin with... But for the one thing that, before she spent the night, my boyfriend and I were very close - I think he truly was starting to fall for me (I know it sounds arrogant, but his whole attitude towards me changed and that's what it looked like to me) - but after that night, he became more distant, less attentive, etc.
Now, I know it can't have been easy for him to have his ex around - especially seeing as they only broke up because of the inconvenience of everything, and they probably still have feelings for each other - but how am I supposed to deal with it? It's hard for me, as whenever she calls for a chat, or whenever I move in to give him a hug, or a kiss, I always have that little nagging voice at the back of my mind, telling me that I'll never matter to him as much as she does and that there's always a possibility of something happening between them. I'm more or less confident that nothing happened when she spent the night, but despite my trust in him, I can't help but worry. I mean, he's still got photos of her on the wall, for f***'s sake!
I know I'm probably just being a little paranoid, but I do love him and I just want things to go back to the way they were before she came to stay. I'd just really, really like him to be as affectionate/etc. as he was before that incident. What should I do?
Now, I'm not too fond of the Anonymous tool thingy myself, but I'm laying myself bare here and would rather keep my identity 'secret' for now. Might be a bit long, sorry!, but I'd really appreciate your advice on this one.
I met this lovely boy in late March, and we've been in an on-off, sort of 'seeing each other but not really a couple' relationship since. Because of some weird circumstances, I ended up moving in with him and his family, temporarily, in July and as a result, we got a lot closer and recently agreed to make whatever our bond was official. Now, I was obviously very chuffed, as I began developing feelings for him shortly after we started seeing each other and had more or less always wanted us to be a couple.
Everything was fine, until a week ago. See, when he met he'd only just come out of a very long-term relationship (four, five years) with this absolutely lovely girl, the only reason for their break-up being that things were getting a little pear-shaped between them, as she went to uni in Bournemouth and he stayed in London. Neither of them had anything to fault the other for, so they decided to try and stay very close as mates. Now, I have no problems with this. Obviously, as I'm really quite smitten with my boyfriend, I feel a little strange about them staying in contact quite as much as they do, but I completely understand that the two of them have to sort things out. That's perfectly fine.
However, a week ago, his ex decided that she wanted to come to London and visit everyone, and organise their trip to Edinburgh festival. Everything was alright, but it turned out, in the end, that she couldn't stay with her mother as she has a bit of a shaky relationship with her - and therefore had to stay at my boyfriend's. Again, I didn't particularly mind, until I found out a) that she didn't know that we're a couple, b) that because my boyfriend wanted things to go smoothly, I couldn't really be in the house while she was there and c) that they were probably going to end up sleeping in the same bed.
Obviously this upset me, but I went along with it because I trust my boyfriend implicitely, and because I understood that it would only be awkward for me to meet his ex. Besides, he's a lovely boy and is extremely accommodating with everyone. So, I spent the night at my best mate's, came back the following day, and everything seemed alright to begin with... But for the one thing that, before she spent the night, my boyfriend and I were very close - I think he truly was starting to fall for me (I know it sounds arrogant, but his whole attitude towards me changed and that's what it looked like to me) - but after that night, he became more distant, less attentive, etc.
Now, I know it can't have been easy for him to have his ex around - especially seeing as they only broke up because of the inconvenience of everything, and they probably still have feelings for each other - but how am I supposed to deal with it? It's hard for me, as whenever she calls for a chat, or whenever I move in to give him a hug, or a kiss, I always have that little nagging voice at the back of my mind, telling me that I'll never matter to him as much as she does and that there's always a possibility of something happening between them. I'm more or less confident that nothing happened when she spent the night, but despite my trust in him, I can't help but worry. I mean, he's still got photos of her on the wall, for f***'s sake!
I know I'm probably just being a little paranoid, but I do love him and I just want things to go back to the way they were before she came to stay. I'd just really, really like him to be as affectionate/etc. as he was before that incident. What should I do?
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TKR
He made you stay somewhere else and slept in the same bed as his ex...
I so would not stand for that.
He made you stay somewhere else and slept in the same bed as his ex...
I so would not stand for that.
Me neither i think what he did is wrong and thats not the sort of thing a lovely boyfriend would do, it seems obvious he clearly still has feelings for her and the fact he only just came out of a relationship with her when he met you has not helped.
I think you need to talk to him.
I think you're an amazing and trusting person, because there is no way I would have let a boyfriend of mine share a bed with his ex girlfriend. Then again I'm a jealous person.
It seems there may be some 'unfinished business' between him and his ex. As in they may never have fully discussed the reaons for their breaking up.
He should have told his ex from the start that he is with you. It is as if he is giving her false hope that they may still have a chance of getting back together, when clearly there isn't.
I don't like making people choose, but he can't keep treating you like this. It's out of order.
Tell him how you feel, and only by his response can you be sure what to do next.
x
I think you're an amazing and trusting person, because there is no way I would have let a boyfriend of mine share a bed with his ex girlfriend. Then again I'm a jealous person.
It seems there may be some 'unfinished business' between him and his ex. As in they may never have fully discussed the reaons for their breaking up.
He should have told his ex from the start that he is with you. It is as if he is giving her false hope that they may still have a chance of getting back together, when clearly there isn't.
I don't like making people choose, but he can't keep treating you like this. It's out of order.
Tell him how you feel, and only by his response can you be sure what to do next.
x
TKR
He made you stay somewhere else and slept in the same bed as his ex...
I so would not stand for that.
He made you stay somewhere else and slept in the same bed as his ex...
I so would not stand for that.
No i wouldnt stand for this either.
I almost ended up going out with a guy who had just had a very serious relationship with his girlfriend and he told me how much he loved her and he felt they would be together for ever. This led me to thinking that he would never feel this way about me as he did for his ex-girlfriend an its a horrible thought, an i really feel for you esp as your going out witht he guy.
An being friends with his ex-girlfriend i'm sure is hard for you it was for me and i'm not even goin gout with him.
I think you should just talk to your boyfriend its probably the best thing you can do.... but dont let him treat you badly remember your the one he is going out with not his ex so you should be more important!
Hope this helps!
I'm never a fan of pettiness, but maybe if you were a little less attentive or 'keen' (not saying you are, but you know what i mean) it would prompt him to show some more affection to you, thus allaying your fears. If he doesn't show the interest then kick him to the kerb. The 'sharing a bed' thing was not on at all, and although i dont know the guy, im pretty confident in saying that something probably happened. Not to be harsh, but thats the likelihood.
wow long post lol
okay if i was in you situation i would kill myself lol, i personally think that you should let things be at the moment however if you feel that your bf is getting more and more distance to you, you should take to him, telling him how you fell and stuff, also if things still dont work you should seriously talk to his gf because she may have something to do with it.
Also when you said that you have a feeling that you are not going to be that close to you bf, well yes not at the moment because he just broke up with someone he was for years!! but once his gf goes hes going to be with you and WILL get close, you just have to give it some time.
i hope it all turns out good for you!!
tc xx
okay if i was in you situation i would kill myself lol, i personally think that you should let things be at the moment however if you feel that your bf is getting more and more distance to you, you should take to him, telling him how you fell and stuff, also if things still dont work you should seriously talk to his gf because she may have something to do with it.
Also when you said that you have a feeling that you are not going to be that close to you bf, well yes not at the moment because he just broke up with someone he was for years!! but once his gf goes hes going to be with you and WILL get close, you just have to give it some time.
i hope it all turns out good for you!!
tc xx
Shockingly same situation happened to me when I met my boyfriend. It's awful knowing they are in the same bed together isn't it 
However, though he was trying to stay friends with her it turns out she'd said something to one of his mates about how she would 'get him back' and he found out and they had a bust up and he's agreed they need to break away from each other totally... hurrah!
My advice is, ask yourself if you can put up with this? Is he worth the pain, jealousy and anger you will feel? I know Jamie is
However, though he was trying to stay friends with her it turns out she'd said something to one of his mates about how she would 'get him back' and he found out and they had a bust up and he's agreed they need to break away from each other totally... hurrah!
My advice is, ask yourself if you can put up with this? Is he worth the pain, jealousy and anger you will feel? I know Jamie is
Given that you trust him implicitly, I would just wait till his ex has buggered off and speak to him about it, or, if it bothers you, speak to him before that. I know what it's like, I'm a trusting person myself. 
But the other posters are right... unless his ex really, desperately has nowhere else to stay and he can't fix up another bed for the night, he may well just be messing you about.
One thing I would do is make sure you met this person and tell her about your boyfriend. Just in case.
But the other posters are right... unless his ex really, desperately has nowhere else to stay and he can't fix up another bed for the night, he may well just be messing you about.One thing I would do is make sure you met this person and tell her about your boyfriend.
Just in case.Thanks everyone, your replies have really helped me sort things out in my head.
As it is, right now, his ex is long gone (she did only stay the night, remember) and he's on a road trip with his best mate (he'll be back on Friday).
He called me yesterday, we had a bit of a chat; he then moved on to mention that he'd rather I didn't go out clubbing with my mates on Friday, as he wanted to spend time with me that night, as his ex might be spending the night again, on Saturday (because they're leaving together for the Edinburgh festival). Argh! Now, I understand the convenience of that, but what should I do? I feel rotten about letting him let her spend the night in the same bed again, yet I don't feel I really have a right to interfere, as he's being a darling for letting me stay for so long at his house in the first place. I definitely want to confront him about it when he comes back and mentions it again, but I don't really now what foot to stand on... I really don't want to seem unfair in this, but surely there's a compromise in which they don't have to share the same f***ing bed?!
It's not so much that I don't trust him, because I do - it's just not right for the two of them to share the same bed, not when they have that much history between them, and not when I have to leave in order for her peace of mind to be protected. What do you reckon I should do? I'm just a little scared of saying, or doing something that might drive him away, as our relationship is a little fragile at the moment.
As it is, right now, his ex is long gone (she did only stay the night, remember) and he's on a road trip with his best mate (he'll be back on Friday).
He called me yesterday, we had a bit of a chat; he then moved on to mention that he'd rather I didn't go out clubbing with my mates on Friday, as he wanted to spend time with me that night, as his ex might be spending the night again, on Saturday (because they're leaving together for the Edinburgh festival). Argh! Now, I understand the convenience of that, but what should I do? I feel rotten about letting him let her spend the night in the same bed again, yet I don't feel I really have a right to interfere, as he's being a darling for letting me stay for so long at his house in the first place. I definitely want to confront him about it when he comes back and mentions it again, but I don't really now what foot to stand on... I really don't want to seem unfair in this, but surely there's a compromise in which they don't have to share the same f***ing bed?!
It's not so much that I don't trust him, because I do - it's just not right for the two of them to share the same bed, not when they have that much history between them, and not when I have to leave in order for her peace of mind to be protected. What do you reckon I should do? I'm just a little scared of saying, or doing something that might drive him away, as our relationship is a little fragile at the moment.
wow dahling you are understanding.
i guess as long as he doesnt hint that you move out that you're fine.
maybe he's just that person and thinks he can share a bed and not do anything. its always hard to trust someone with that especially if you think you might accidently pull ur ex if that were you.
dont go out and talk to him that night. it will help if he sees you a day before her because then you're in his bed and that will be on his mind when she comes round. cant u go to scotland with them. perhaps you should say you want to be there just so that you can meet her and both u and her can see what your dealing with suss her out.
just dont get too attached for him now. dont give up stuff like you would before. show him he has to really show how much he wants or likes you. and in the meantime think of something youve got that she doesnt and try and stand out so he has no qualms or what ifs
i guess as long as he doesnt hint that you move out that you're fine.
maybe he's just that person and thinks he can share a bed and not do anything. its always hard to trust someone with that especially if you think you might accidently pull ur ex if that were you.
dont go out and talk to him that night. it will help if he sees you a day before her because then you're in his bed and that will be on his mind when she comes round. cant u go to scotland with them. perhaps you should say you want to be there just so that you can meet her and both u and her can see what your dealing with suss her out.
just dont get too attached for him now. dont give up stuff like you would before. show him he has to really show how much he wants or likes you. and in the meantime think of something youve got that she doesnt and try and stand out so he has no qualms or what ifs
You gotto becareful that you don't comfront him at the wrong time, whether the "wrong time" will always be a wrong time or not can only be guessed by you.
If you aren't serious about him [it sounds like you are though] i would of ended it or comfronted straight away about why she is sharing the SAME bed. The worse thing is that they used to go out and it wasn't a minor relationship either! I've been in your situation before and ended it with a girl because she slept in a bed with her guy mate a number of times.... not something i would do to her so it weren't meant to be. However, seeing as you seem really serious about it, you gotto becareful because with the girl i fell in love with, a similiar situation happened at times and i would get pissed off and kinda ask what the hell is going on but i would of never split with her because i loved her too much. This girl got pissed off after a couple times and she broke up with me and cheated on me because she said i drove her away.
PS the girl i was serious with said she was testing me on my reation
so if i went along with it, we would have still been together. So make sure you are 100% certain on your actions if you comfront him and try and do it at the best moment.
Good luck
If you aren't serious about him [it sounds like you are though] i would of ended it or comfronted straight away about why she is sharing the SAME bed. The worse thing is that they used to go out and it wasn't a minor relationship either! I've been in your situation before and ended it with a girl because she slept in a bed with her guy mate a number of times.... not something i would do to her so it weren't meant to be. However, seeing as you seem really serious about it, you gotto becareful because with the girl i fell in love with, a similiar situation happened at times and i would get pissed off and kinda ask what the hell is going on but i would of never split with her because i loved her too much. This girl got pissed off after a couple times and she broke up with me and cheated on me because she said i drove her away.
PS the girl i was serious with said she was testing me on my reation
so if i went along with it, we would have still been together. So make sure you are 100% certain on your actions if you comfront him and try and do it at the best moment. Good luck
Hey.
I'm afraid to say that it looks like this guy isn't over his ex. I would no way put up with him keeping pictures of her on the wall and especially not stand for him sleeping in the same bed as her. If he really cared about you then first of all he would of told his ex about you and would not of asked you to stay elsewhere that night! Other than that, if she absolutely had to stay there for the night then he would of given her the bed and he would of slept on the sofa or something.
Them both going to Scotland together wouldn't give me much peace of mind either. You need to talk to this guy and tell him how you feel. I think you need to take a break because when someone has just come out of a relationship, they shouldn't go straight into another one because they need to have time to "grieve" as it were to try and get over their ex.
I would flip if my bf slept in the same bed as his ex. Anyway let us know what happens. Parting with him will hurt for a while but I think it's the best thing for you all to be honest. It looks like he still believes something will happen with him and his ex.
Take Care.
Karen x
I'm afraid to say that it looks like this guy isn't over his ex. I would no way put up with him keeping pictures of her on the wall and especially not stand for him sleeping in the same bed as her. If he really cared about you then first of all he would of told his ex about you and would not of asked you to stay elsewhere that night! Other than that, if she absolutely had to stay there for the night then he would of given her the bed and he would of slept on the sofa or something.
Them both going to Scotland together wouldn't give me much peace of mind either. You need to talk to this guy and tell him how you feel. I think you need to take a break because when someone has just come out of a relationship, they shouldn't go straight into another one because they need to have time to "grieve" as it were to try and get over their ex.
I would flip if my bf slept in the same bed as his ex. Anyway let us know what happens. Parting with him will hurt for a while but I think it's the best thing for you all to be honest. It looks like he still believes something will happen with him and his ex.
Take Care.
Karen x
I'm sorry but his behaviour was not right and unfair to you. It was not on to kick you out for the night and sleep with his ex. I am friends with my ex, but if he came to stay with me, i would make him go sleep somewhere else, my boyfriend would stay with me. Plus i made it perfectly clear that i have a new boyfriend and he is not gonna have a chance while my current boyfriend is around. In my eyes he is favouring his ex over you and i know thats hard to hear but thats what it looks like. I understand that you really like him but if he is gonna push you away everytime his ex comes home then he is not the lovely boy you seem to think he is.
Anonymous
i would of ended it or comfronted straight away about why she is sharing the SAME bed.
Maybe its just me but ive shared beds with different girls when ive been in a relationship. My gf did the other day with her male friend and i don't really mind. If there is enough there for them wanting to do something i would rather they did it and i knew her real feelings about it not that she has i hope.
OP: I think if it bothers you just talk to him saying its prob silly and you do trust him but could he just take the floor?
I think he will be ok about that unless the issue is she thinks he is single so there would be in her mind no reason why they could not sleep in the bed with him. In this case he needs to tell her about you which he should have already done tbh
zav
Maybe its just me but ive shared beds with different girls when ive been in a relationship. My gf did the other day with her male friend and i don't really mind. If there is enough there for them wanting to do something i would rather they did it and i knew her real feelings about it not that she has i hope.
i agree with you on that but were these girls your long term ex's who you quite recently broke up with, who dont know you taken and who you only broke up with for curcumstantial reasons? i think these factors do make quite a huge difference in it becoming not ok!
u both(his ex and u) sound like u need to dump him , for REAL .and what is the "lovely" thing about him?
the man has turfed u out so he can be with another and u still keep saying how lovely he is?
wen people are in relationships the rose tinted glasses come on within a few days..please take them off, and put your dignity first and get out of there.
the man has turfed u out so he can be with another and u still keep saying how lovely he is?
wen people are in relationships the rose tinted glasses come on within a few days..please take them off, and put your dignity first and get out of there.
squigaletta
i agree with you on that but were these girls your long term ex's who you quite recently broke up with, who dont know you taken and who you only broke up with for curcumstantial reasons? i think these factors do make quite a huge difference in it becoming not ok!
None of them long term but people i have been involved with. If i wanted to do something with somebody else i would not be with the person i am now or if i did i would tell her.
I'd just ask him. After how cheeky (at best) he's being about this I think he can forgive a little bluntness.
Anonymous
Thanks everyone, your replies have really helped me sort things out in my head.
As it is, right now, his ex is long gone (she did only stay the night, remember) and he's on a road trip with his best mate (he'll be back on Friday).
He called me yesterday, we had a bit of a chat; he then moved on to mention that he'd rather I didn't go out clubbing with my mates on Friday, as he wanted to spend time with me that night, as his ex might be spending the night again, on Saturday (because they're leaving together for the Edinburgh festival). Argh! Now, I understand the convenience of that, but what should I do? I feel rotten about letting him let her spend the night in the same bed again, yet I don't feel I really have a right to interfere, as he's being a darling for letting me stay for so long at his house in the first place. I definitely want to confront him about it when he comes back and mentions it again, but I don't really now what foot to stand on... I really don't want to seem unfair in this, but surely there's a compromise in which they don't have to share the same f***ing bed?!
It's not so much that I don't trust him, because I do - it's just not right for the two of them to share the same bed, not when they have that much history between them, and not when I have to leave in order for her peace of mind to be protected. What do you reckon I should do? I'm just a little scared of saying, or doing something that might drive him away, as our relationship is a little fragile at the moment.
As it is, right now, his ex is long gone (she did only stay the night, remember) and he's on a road trip with his best mate (he'll be back on Friday).
He called me yesterday, we had a bit of a chat; he then moved on to mention that he'd rather I didn't go out clubbing with my mates on Friday, as he wanted to spend time with me that night, as his ex might be spending the night again, on Saturday (because they're leaving together for the Edinburgh festival). Argh! Now, I understand the convenience of that, but what should I do? I feel rotten about letting him let her spend the night in the same bed again, yet I don't feel I really have a right to interfere, as he's being a darling for letting me stay for so long at his house in the first place. I definitely want to confront him about it when he comes back and mentions it again, but I don't really now what foot to stand on... I really don't want to seem unfair in this, but surely there's a compromise in which they don't have to share the same f***ing bed?!
It's not so much that I don't trust him, because I do - it's just not right for the two of them to share the same bed, not when they have that much history between them, and not when I have to leave in order for her peace of mind to be protected. What do you reckon I should do? I'm just a little scared of saying, or doing something that might drive him away, as our relationship is a little fragile at the moment.
You're letting him do it again??? No offence but how stupid do you have to be. Now, fair enough, i don't know him, but i definately would not trust him the first a time and would not let him do it again.
His ex's piece of mind? who cares, what about your piece of mind, you are the victim here and he should stop and realise who he should be thinking about and that is certainly not her. You are his girlfriend, you are his priority and if he doesn't see that he is not worth having. He can't pick and choose about when to have her and when to have you its one or the other.
I'm sorry if thats harsh but it had to be said.
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