Does anyone have this problem?

I've always been quite self-sufficient, perhaps to my own detriment. For as long as I can remember, I've dealt with problems by myself for one reason or another. I didn't really speak to my parents about things because they were never the easiest people to speak to. I can remember times of me trying to talk to them and them brushing me off. I haven't really bothered since.

Years down the line, I'm still finding it difficult to express my inner-most feelings. This is affecting my relationship with my parents, but more importantly, with my boyfriend. I prefer not to speak to him about arguments with parents or things that upset me because..I don't know. I guess it's a mixture of things - thinking he may change his mind about me, I don't like to cry and I always end up crying and not being able to get out what I want to say.

Lately I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and I don't really like some parts of myself. I can be really materialistic, for example. Ever since I was little, I've always had a fear of being poor (for no particular reason really since we were never really poor). Whenever I've had arguments with parents, the most driving thing for me to apologise is because I would get myself into trouble financially if I don't have their financial support/would make my life more complicated. This may partly be due to the fact that my dad used to blackmail me as a kid to do things, such as "I won't drive you anywhere anymore if you don't do X" e.g. apologise for something that wasn't even my fault. Lifts were a necessity because I live in the middle of nowhere with hardly any buses. I guess it made me worry more about the fact that I wouldn't be able to go anywhere (kind of materialistic I guess) than worry about my relationship with my dad.

Anyway, my boyfriend is away for a month in a different country and we've been arguing about the same thing (again) - that I'm not being open enough with him. I find it physically difficult to get the words out. Sometimes I am saying the words in my head but can't bring myself to say them out loud. Does anyone else have this? and is there any way of overcoming it? because it is really starting to affect my relationships.

Thanks guys.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Sorry I just read the 3rd paragraph again and realised I missed a bit out

- the 3rd paragraph refers to I guess to me thinking that talking about everything I feel my bring this out and I don't like the idea of other people finding out that this is how I really feel and that I am a complete cow.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Yes, I had this problem as well. I had to leave my relationship because of it. I didnt feel comfortable saying what I believed.

What i have learned though is that communication is key. If your having trouble with something, and its affecting your relationship, you need to discuss it.

I think you just need to find a way to relax yourself around him, so you can feel comfortable expressing yourself.

Reply 3

Jelkin

Maybe write him a letter explaining everything you've told us? It may make it easier for him to understand the way you feel, and it may make it easier for you to talk to him if you've communicated these difficulties. I don't think you sound like a cow at all :smile:

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Thanks guys. I have tried to explain things to my boyfriend but he just doesn't seem to understand and thinks the solution is easy: JUST TALK. It's just not as easy as it sounds. People might think 'what's the big deal?' but this is a big problem for me. I've even set myself goals like "ok in 10 seconds, I will just tell him" and I always end up not telling him.

I guess most things are what I feel bad about - things I don't like to admit even to myself. I suppose it's like if I tell someone else, it makes it all the more real. For example there was a time a few months ago that my boyfriend and I were talking about our grandparents and I started thinking about my greatgran and started crying. It was a mixture of because it was a real shock for me when she died (even though she was really old), she was the first family member that I know to have died, I'd not seen her for years because she lives in another country, and I wasn't as nice as I could've been to her when she was alive. Out of the 4 of us (me, my brother and 2 cousins), I think I was the nicest to her. I spoke to her more and I didn't just snap at her, like my cousins did. But I still feel bad because I didn't tell them off for being horrible to her (mind you the older cousin is 3 years older than me). I really regret not being as nice as I could've, not talking to her more like I should've. I ended up just telling my boyfriend that I just missed her, which I do. He could tell there was something else. I just didn't want to tell him because I feel like what I did (or more to the point, what I DIDN'T do) was wrong and makes me a bad person...