Girl Friendzoned
I've been friends with this guy for a while now, 2.5 years or so. He told me he liked me when we first started to get to know each other, but because we lived together in halls I wasn't sure about starting something. Nothing happened and since then we have just been friends, there's been no awkwardness or underlying romantic feelings.
However, this past week I've been going through a really really hard time with family problems (currently living at home) and I turned to my friend for help. He's let me stay over everynight for almost a week. He's been really supportive and offering hugs and basically helping me to physically get on with things. Over the course of the week, things have progressed from hugs, to sharing a bed, and even him giving me a massage (topless!).
I'm finding myself wanting to take things further... but it seems like he doesnt at all. During the massage even, he just didn't seem to be turned on (he was just being nice?! free non-pro massage that doesnt end in sex, da***?!) Could it be because he doesn't want to take advantage of me, in my vulnerable current state??
The key in all of this is that he has a new girlfriend... but the way he's been so affectionate and he initiated the sharing a bed situation... it's leaving me really confused! I feel like he's half-cheating on her already, the way he's been with me.
Just to clarify, I'm not wanting to turn our friendship into a relationship... just a friends-with-benefits kinda thing (if he's able to do this to her, then that shows what he's like as a boyfriend).
I just need perspective on the situation, before I speak to him about it. Try to understand his motivations....
However, this past week I've been going through a really really hard time with family problems (currently living at home) and I turned to my friend for help. He's let me stay over everynight for almost a week. He's been really supportive and offering hugs and basically helping me to physically get on with things. Over the course of the week, things have progressed from hugs, to sharing a bed, and even him giving me a massage (topless!).
I'm finding myself wanting to take things further... but it seems like he doesnt at all. During the massage even, he just didn't seem to be turned on (he was just being nice?! free non-pro massage that doesnt end in sex, da***?!) Could it be because he doesn't want to take advantage of me, in my vulnerable current state??
The key in all of this is that he has a new girlfriend... but the way he's been so affectionate and he initiated the sharing a bed situation... it's leaving me really confused! I feel like he's half-cheating on her already, the way he's been with me.
Just to clarify, I'm not wanting to turn our friendship into a relationship... just a friends-with-benefits kinda thing (if he's able to do this to her, then that shows what he's like as a boyfriend).
I just need perspective on the situation, before I speak to him about it. Try to understand his motivations....
As I was reading through this at first it came across as he was genuinely looking out for you, hugs and being there for you is completely acceptable as that is just what friends do!
Even sharing a bed and massages, are okay I suppose but when you mentioned him having a girlfriend it threw me a bit and I entirely agree with you saying "I feel like he's half-cheating on her already" If my boyfriend was doing that I would understandably get fairly annoyed!
I would openly ask him whether he still has any feelings for you, be prepared for the worst as he may well of moved on if you told him you didn't want anything! Only advice I can give you is just ask him straight, and like you said if he cheats you know that he would do that on you if you were together..
Even sharing a bed and massages, are okay I suppose but when you mentioned him having a girlfriend it threw me a bit and I entirely agree with you saying "I feel like he's half-cheating on her already" If my boyfriend was doing that I would understandably get fairly annoyed!
I would openly ask him whether he still has any feelings for you, be prepared for the worst as he may well of moved on if you told him you didn't want anything! Only advice I can give you is just ask him straight, and like you said if he cheats you know that he would do that on you if you were together..
Original post by MeganConway
As I was reading through this at first it came across as he was genuinely looking out for you, hugs and being there for you is completely acceptable as that is just what friends do!
Even sharing a bed and massages, are okay I suppose but when you mentioned him having a girlfriend it threw me a bit and I entirely agree with you saying "I feel like he's half-cheating on her already" If my boyfriend was doing that I would understandably get fairly annoyed!
I would openly ask him whether he still has any feelings for you, be prepared for the worst as he may well of moved on if you told him you didn't want anything! Only advice I can give you is just ask him straight, and like you said if he cheats you know that he would do that on you if you were together..
Even sharing a bed and massages, are okay I suppose but when you mentioned him having a girlfriend it threw me a bit and I entirely agree with you saying "I feel like he's half-cheating on her already" If my boyfriend was doing that I would understandably get fairly annoyed!
I would openly ask him whether he still has any feelings for you, be prepared for the worst as he may well of moved on if you told him you didn't want anything! Only advice I can give you is just ask him straight, and like you said if he cheats you know that he would do that on you if you were together..
Thanks for this. You know what, he's been so nice to me and I really feel like I wouldn't have got through my problems without him just being there and doing things like making me tea or just being there. So I think he probably is just being nice and caring, without the intention of anything more. Especially as things have been turned upsidedown in my life this week, it feels like he doesnt want to take advantage.
I think I'm probably seeing things that aren't there because of my situation, feeling sad and alone and naturally finding comfort in him. And as a single lady, naturally feeling attracted to someone who's being such a top human.
But the girlfriend thing... yeah, not so great. I wouldn't stay with someone if they did this to me, tbh (hence my not wanting things to go down that road with this guy).
I think I probably need time away from him, to get perspective and stronger in my own convictions. But yeah, it's just nice to have someone so caring around... selfish dilemma!
You're not 'friendzoned'. You're just friends. Sorry to be blunt about it but if he has a new girlfriend and it isn't you then he doesn't want you in that way.
You've been friends for 2 1/2 years which is probably why he's so willing to care for you in the way he does. As for 'half cheating' I disagree with the above, you can't really half cheat. He didn't want to have sexual contact with you when he gave you a massage and didn't display sexual interest during it according to you. You've shared a bed but that's it. Is that weird? Well, yes. If my partner was doing that I'd be pretty confused and maybe uncomfortable enough to ask that he didn't do it any more, but he hasn't actually done anything with you- maybe it seems like you have because you subconsciously think he wants you and not her.
It does sound like you're projecting more feelings onto him because he cared for you when you needed someone there. Sorry that you had to go through whatever it was you needed the support for, but may some time away from him to settle yourself properly would be a good plan.
I would advise that you leave him and his girlfriend alone and let them have their romantic relationship, and don't try to snatch that away from her by telling him you want to be friends with benefits (which would probably involve breaking up with his girlfriend.) He's his own person capable of his own decisions and if he didn't want to be with her, he wouldn't be. If he becomes single and you want to know if there's a possibility of there being something between you, ask him then.
You've been friends for 2 1/2 years which is probably why he's so willing to care for you in the way he does. As for 'half cheating' I disagree with the above, you can't really half cheat. He didn't want to have sexual contact with you when he gave you a massage and didn't display sexual interest during it according to you. You've shared a bed but that's it. Is that weird? Well, yes. If my partner was doing that I'd be pretty confused and maybe uncomfortable enough to ask that he didn't do it any more, but he hasn't actually done anything with you- maybe it seems like you have because you subconsciously think he wants you and not her.
It does sound like you're projecting more feelings onto him because he cared for you when you needed someone there. Sorry that you had to go through whatever it was you needed the support for, but may some time away from him to settle yourself properly would be a good plan.
I would advise that you leave him and his girlfriend alone and let them have their romantic relationship, and don't try to snatch that away from her by telling him you want to be friends with benefits (which would probably involve breaking up with his girlfriend.) He's his own person capable of his own decisions and if he didn't want to be with her, he wouldn't be. If he becomes single and you want to know if there's a possibility of there being something between you, ask him then.
Original post by Vero_
You're not 'friendzoned'. You're just friends. Sorry to be blunt about it but if he has a new girlfriend and it isn't you then he doesn't want you in that way.
You've been friends for 2 1/2 years which is probably why he's so willing to care for you in the way he does. As for 'half cheating' I disagree with the above, you can't really half cheat. He didn't want to have sexual contact with you when he gave you a massage and didn't display sexual interest during it according to you. You've shared a bed but that's it. Is that weird? Well, yes. If my partner was doing that I'd be pretty confused and maybe uncomfortable enough to ask that he didn't do it any more, but he hasn't actually done anything with you- maybe it seems like you have because you subconsciously think he wants you and not her.
It does sound like you're projecting more feelings onto him because he cared for you when you needed someone there. Sorry that you had to go through whatever it was you needed the support for, but may some time away from him to settle yourself properly would be a good plan.
I would advise that you leave him and his girlfriend alone and let them have their romantic relationship, and don't try to snatch that away from her by telling him you want to be friends with benefits (which would probably involve breaking up with his girlfriend.) He's his own person capable of his own decisions and if he didn't want to be with her, he wouldn't be. If he becomes single and you want to know if there's a possibility of there being something between you, ask him then.
You've been friends for 2 1/2 years which is probably why he's so willing to care for you in the way he does. As for 'half cheating' I disagree with the above, you can't really half cheat. He didn't want to have sexual contact with you when he gave you a massage and didn't display sexual interest during it according to you. You've shared a bed but that's it. Is that weird? Well, yes. If my partner was doing that I'd be pretty confused and maybe uncomfortable enough to ask that he didn't do it any more, but he hasn't actually done anything with you- maybe it seems like you have because you subconsciously think he wants you and not her.
It does sound like you're projecting more feelings onto him because he cared for you when you needed someone there. Sorry that you had to go through whatever it was you needed the support for, but may some time away from him to settle yourself properly would be a good plan.
I would advise that you leave him and his girlfriend alone and let them have their romantic relationship, and don't try to snatch that away from her by telling him you want to be friends with benefits (which would probably involve breaking up with his girlfriend.) He's his own person capable of his own decisions and if he didn't want to be with her, he wouldn't be. If he becomes single and you want to know if there's a possibility of there being something between you, ask him then.
Thanks for the reply, I think you're absolutely spot on. I know the title is a bit misleading, i just didn't know what to describe the situation as!! And yeah, I knew I was projecting onto him and it's been compounded by everything that's happened as well as just being so grateful to have someone there for me. He has just been such a great support and really a great friend... it's just my sense of perspective is completely off-kilter.
I've been feeling guilty and confused about it all tbh, and I think I just needed someone to reinforce the point you made. Yeah, if i feel bad about what's happened already then if anything more happened.... I'd feel like I'd completely gone against my own sense of right/wrong...
Just clouded by all the bad stuff of the week, and vulnerable and alone and misinterpretting my feelings. So thanks for the honesty and giving me the perspective I really needed. I'm gonna "back off".
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