I think I like one of my girlfriend's friends. Help!

I've been with my gf for about a year, and it's been mostly great. It's very relaxed for the most part and we don't have a lot of drama.

About 2 months ago I met one of her friends for the first time on holiday and we clicked instantly. She's good looking but not insanely hot by any means, but I became more attracted to her the more we talked, and I began to realise I probably have more in common with her than my own gf.

Anyway, after spending a week in her company I went back home and the feelings receded for the most part. We saw her again last week for a few days, and the feelings pretty much came flooding back instantly. I made sure to act appropriately, but we just couldn't help but get on really well.

My gf got drunk one night and told me she was jealous of how well me and this girl get on, which made me feel a bit guilty as we both clearly realised that was the truth.

I'm home again now and just trying to decompress and work out my feelings. I've even considered introducing this girl to one of my single friends in an attempt to "cockblock" myself from ever making a move on her.

It's an awkward position to feel in because part of me wishes I could've met this girl a year ago, but at the same time I never would've met her if not for my gf, who for the most part is lovely, and I feel horrible even thinking like this. The difference is that me and my gf were friends with benefits for a while before hooking up, and there was never really this heart-pounding affection (at least on my end), the love grew slowly with familiarity. Whereas when I talk to her friend my heart races.

There's absolutely no way I'm going to dump my gf and make a move on her, because I am sure that would go horribly and my gf deserves better than that. I still love being with her, but having a taste of someone I clicked with so well just makes me feel a bit sick, really, and in the theoretical idea of being with her friend, I'm sure I probably would be happier.

I'm about 90% sure from comments made that I am this girl's type and in a different universe we probably would have been romantically compatible. I hate that I'm even typing this. Hopefully these feelings will fade in the next 2 months before I see her again.

Any advice?

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Reply 1

dooobie_

You basically answered in yourself mate:/ 'I wish I met her a year ago' proves you would prefer her to your girlfriend but I understand you don't want to hurt her. It seems as though you dont see this other girl very often, do you think that would work?

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Reply 2

Anonymous #1

I don't see this girl often, which is one of the main reasons why I'm trying to be logical rather than let my heart make a stupid decision. There's absolutely no need to rush making any decision.

That said there's a good chance owing to living circumstances that I'll end up seeing her a lot more in the future, and that could potentially make things a lot harder for me emotionally. That's why I wanted to set her up with a friend, as there's absolutely no way I'd interfere in a friend's relationship, even if it would probably make me secretly sad (at least to begin with).

Reply 3

gclarke607

Oh dear. This is a tricky situation.

By the way you talk, you seem much more enthusiastic about your girlfriends friend, than your actual girlfriend? Also you havent really actually said that you love your girlfriend either. I get the impression that your current relationship is just comfortable and familiar? Do you really feel that the relationship you are in is making you 100% happy and something that you would like to have long term, (marraige, kids, etc)?

Obviously you cant really break up with your girlfriend for her friend but maybe you need to think about the relationship youre in because your girlfriend should be making you feel like all the things youve been describing...

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by gclarke607

I guess this is the danger of the relationship being so relaxed. I just kinda went with the flow, and it took me a while to say "I love you". I do love her, though it definitely feels like it's transitioned from the passionate stage to the more comfortable, "contented" one.

Reply 5

FoxOnAMission

Even if you did break up with your gf to persue her best friend, what makes you think her friend will risk losing her friendship with your gf just to be with you? It goes against the girl code and probably means she is a fake frend.

Reply 6

Doppelgänger

Why settle for second best? Seems to me that 'familiarity' is the key factor keeping you tied to your current girlfriend and this is not fair on her, or you. You both deserve better and in an ideal world - or universe as you put it - better wouldn't be one of her friends but we don't live in Utopia. These things happen and in time you should go for the upgrade imho.

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Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by FoxOnAMission

I totally agree with you, it is very unlikely she would do that, and of course, there are very very few ways that this could work out without at least one person being furious.

Reply 8

Mockery

As needs stressing, if you dump your girlfriend to try things on with her friend you'll more than likely end up with neither regardless of how the friend feels for you.

Given that you don't see her often for the time being just forget about the whole issue best you can. If things change and your feelings become unbearable the best thing would be to speak about it all and be completely honest to your current girlfriend. It will be terribly difficult for all parties but you'll all know where you stand. If you're mature individuals you might just be able to work things out in the most ideal way.

Reply 9

username985376

just walk away from all of it

Reply 10

CaptainDudeson

**** her then. The hell is wrong with you?

Reply 11

stargirl63

Is there any way of speaking to this other girl - finding out what she feels for you? Then you can see whether what you feel is returned or not. If she does like you, you need to figure out would she contemplate being with you, considering you're her friends ex, your history etc. You need to do this in a way that doesn't suggest that you like her (in case she tells your gf, you're screwed) - so put it across as a hypothetical situation. Answering these questions would help a lot when you're thinking about these things.

Reply 12

Sazzle4

It seems like you already realise that being with this new girl is not an option realisitically regardless of the decision you make. It seems like what you're really questioning is whether you'd find someone else that makes you feel that way if you left your current girlfriend.
In all honesty, I suspect you would. Whether that would take days, weeks, months or years, there's no way to know. But there are so many people out there that the chances are very high that you'd meet someone else that was going to make you feel that way. The question is whether it's worth it? Do you just miss the excitement of someone new or is there really something missing from your relationship?
Even ones that have the excitement and spark at the start often eventually reach the 'comfortable' stage and it takes effort to keep any good relationship working. But, sometimes, it's only comfort and the fear of being alone that keeps people together and that's not really a good reason to stay with someone.
The best thing you can do is take the friend out of the equation and take some time to work out whether you really want to be in this relationship or not when the other girl is not a factor. Only you can make that choice and you don't need to rush it but you owe it to yourself and your gf to think it through carefully.

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Original post by stargirl63

I think I need to just keep this confined for the time being, and get more contact with her before I make any hasty decisions. Maybe the attraction will wear off in time, maybe it will intensify, but I need to be absolutely certain before I do anything.

And then there's the fear that it will all explode and she'll probably disappear out of my life entirely, which makes me feel a bit ill as well.

There's not really much I can do until I see her next anyway, so I suppose keeping her out of mind until then is really for the best, right?

Reply 14

Lotus_Eater

Original post by Anonymous

That's why I wanted to set her up with a friend, as there's absolutely no way I'd interfere in a friend's relationship, even if it would probably make me secretly sad (at least to begin with).

Hmmm. Maybe but let's face it, if you're prepared to leave your current girlfriend for her friend, can you really count on acting logically when there's added jealousy factored in?

I have a lot of respect for you for trying to do the right thing here. And I think you might be looking at this the wrong way. What you need to do is reflect on your enthusiasm for your girlfriend's friend. Is this really all about how wonderful and attractive this person is? Or does it actually reflect your craving for excitement that you don't have (and judging from some of your other comments you never really had at all) with your girlfriend?

I suspect the answer to that last question is 'yes'. "What next?" is the tricky part. Sooner or later most relationships are going to enter a less exciting phase so you have to decide whether the other gains of being part of a long-term relationship are worth the sacrifice. And/or whether you're at a stage in your life when you are truly ready to settle down. Because in most long-term relationships there's going to be temptation to start over with someone else sooner or later, it's how you respond to that temptation that matters. One thing that can happen is that we artificially project all sorts of exciting quirks on comparative strangers and then end up making a big fool of ourselves (and hurting those we care about).

If it were me, I'd try and focus on your relationship with your girlfriend. What kind of things could you do together that might generate some more excitement or intimacy? Given that she's expressed disquiet at the relationship you seem to have with her friend, avoiding the friend probably isn't going to be too difficult. If you understand your feelings as being more about your current relationship than your potential next one, then it may be possible to make some progress and actually strengthen your bond with your girlfriend.

Reply 15

anosmianAcrimony

Original post by CaptainDudeson

**** her then. The hell is wrong with you?

They're called scruples.

Reply 16

MissNix

If you want it to work with your girlfriend, why not just put more into the relationship? There's obviously something wrong with your relationship if you're considering leaving her. (or rather by the tone of your post wishing that you could.) find what the problem is and work towards fixing it. If you're bored, do something new with your girlfriend. Go rock climbing or whatever things interesting couples do. If you don't think it can work out, then that's a whole other thing. But leave the friend out of it.