sexual abuse bringing up the past

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 years ago
#1
Hi,

So a year or two ago i was in an abusive relationship, although i didn't see it as abusive at the time. He would emotionally blackmail me, tell me to get changed all the time because he didn't like what i wore, point out every little flaw to the point where i was quite depressed and didn't want to look in a mirror. Then after he'd been out drinking he sexually abused me, although again at the time i didn't see it as rape because he was my boyfriend. One night we argued to the point where i told him how low i was feeling because of what he was saying, which ended up with him hurting me physically. The relationship ended after this, but i still struggle knowing that if he came back, i probably would go back, because i was in love. I hate myself for it, and wish i could let my barriers down and move on for good.

I also have a best friend who i have had a sexual relationship with for many years, but recently he doesn't seem to want to take no for an answer, so i have just been accepting it and letting it happen. But the other day he tried unprotected which i was really not ok with at all to the point where i had to scream at him to stop, and even then he was reluctant. The more i think about it the worse i feel. I don't know what to do, i don't want to lose my best friend, but i can't keep doing it when there are risks to my future. It's also started to bring up the memories from my past relationship which is really upsetting me. I just don't know what to do, or say, or feel...
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Jo from AVA
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#2
Report 5 years ago
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Hi
I am so sorry for the delay - I have been away.

Ok, it sounds like things are really hard for you. The relationship you were in was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive which must have felt very frightening. I understand why you say you are afraid you would go back, that is totally normal but I think you need some support as I would be very concerned if you were to be with him again as it is very unlikely that he would change.

It also sounds like your best friend is being sexually abusive by not taking no for an answer. When you make it clear you do not want to have sex (and you do not have to say NO for that to be the case) and he continues, that is rape. You screamed at him to stop and he was still reluctant which is not ok at all. You describe him as your best friend but he is not treating you the way a friend should at all and I am not surprised that this reminds you of the past relationship.

Does anyone else know what has been happening? I think you really need some support in dealing with all of this.

I think you will benefit from getting some support from an organisation who work with people who have experienced abuse. They can help you deal with what has happened in both relationships and to help you move forward to a place where you feel safe.
There are lots of great places that can help, if you want to private message me and tell me roughly where you live I can put you in touch with the one nearest you, or you can search online. Simply search for the name of your area and 'domestic violence support' and it should come up with a list. You should be able to access free and confidential counselling or support.

How do you feel about taking a break from your friendship for a while? It does not sound like that situation is any good for you and is only making you feel worse and putting you at risk. I am concerned for you and I think you need to be with people who will love and respect you, not abuse you or take advantage.

I know this may all feel overwhelming but you are doing really well and doing the right thing in starting to talk about it,
come back here anytime,
take care
Jo
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