Is my boyfriend bored of me? Does he not "love" me anymore...? (Long post)

Whilst I know that nobody can answer these questions with certainty apart from him, I'd like to know other people's opinions.

So to begin... I am very well in love with my boyfriend. We've been together for about 4 years now but we've only physically been together for less than a year.

From the very beginning we spent every second of our days talking to each other (it was a long distance until September last year) or spending it with each other, whatever it was we were always "together". After a year and 5 months, we broke up because he started treating me not as well (he didn't want to spend so much time with me which was understandable but he basically wouldn't talk to me and I'd have to talk to him, what I mean is he just suddenly went into a kind of no contact mode) and I felt kind of neglected being with him... so I broke up with him.

Like I said, during that time, he just didn't really wanna spend time with me anymore and was a lot more distanced.. like he wouldn't reply to my texts or emails anymore, he didn't really want to visit me anymore etc. Also he had told me he'd been thinking about breaking up with me, and we had a conversation about it (I asked why etc. etc. and he said some stuff blah blah)

After 5 months, he texted me out of nowhere and eventually we got back together again.. and everything was exactly how it was like before (like we'd spend all our time together), except I had a lot of anger in me because of how I felt I was treated before we broke up, but eventually I got over that.

So since then, we've been together but... fast forward to February this year on Valentine's day, he said he wanted to break up with me. So I talked to him about it and then he changed his mind. Except I noticed one thing.. When I asked him why he wanted to etc. he had repeated the same reasons as the time he wanted to break up with me before.

Now before you say anything, I just want you to know that when he randomly contacted me out of nowhere he'd told me the reason he said those things was because he was just repeating what his Mum had been saying to him about her relationship at the time so before you say that there must be a reoccurring problem and that problem is me, I'd just like to say (although I don't remember the reasons he gave me very well) that the reasons weren't really based around me or our relationship.

Anyway, since then (February) things have been really hot and cold. Whenever I am with him physically, he is super nice and loving and whatever, but then when I'm not with him he is a lot more distant sometimes, but then sometimes he's really loving and nice...?

For example... the other day I was talking to him, and he said he missed me (I'm home from uni and we go to the same university) and suggested that I come back earlier, so I said that I'd like to but would he want it and he said yes. So that made me happy obviously, but earlier today I called him and I told him I was thinking about coming back early then, and then I asked him if he'd be okay with that cos I'd obviously wanna see him and stuffs, and then he said "I don't know" and tried to convince me to stay back home longer.

But like I said, from the get go we spent all of our time together and that's how it was when we were at university together too, but since February he hasn't really wanted to spend so much time with me and let's just say it feels like history is repeating itself...

I guess my question is, does it sound like he's getting bored of me and that he doesn't really love me anymore??? Or do you think this is an effect of spending virtually every second of every day together, and that if I give him a nice break, he'll be like how he was again?

I mean.. these days sometimes he tells me he doesn't wanna talk to me or doesn't wanna see me.. so yeah.. hope someone can give me advice or their opinion...

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

I was in a very similar situation as you. I felt neglected by my boyfriend, and it didn't changed even after I spoke to him several times about it. I decided to break up with him in the end, because I know I deserve better, and so do you.

I can't speak for your boyfriend, but the issue with mine was that he felt things were getting too serious between us and he was scared of committing at such a young age ( we were both 22 at the time). Do you think your boyfriend may be scared of commitment too?

Reply 2

lovingislosing

If you feel neglected I'd suggest you end it before he ends up hurting you. Leave now while you still have you dignity.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 3

alcibiade

It helps to look at relationships as cyclical. You fall for each other, which is a happy insanity. Then one or both of you get distant, indifferent, take each other for granted. This is a trough, and feels very bad when compared to discovery. Finally, you can re-discover each other - if you are lucky, and start over again, mature and wiser.

This is the nub: if you feel good and loving, you can get hurt and almost certainly will. The good parts are not a steady state, relationships are dynamic.

Also, what you feel has a great bearing on who you are. Even if you find someone else, you may wind up treated in a similar way, i.e. the same dilemma.

Good luck. Only you can be the judge of what works for you.

Reply 4

SyOnGuitar

Original post by Anonymous

I think that's a possible chance, but there have been times like he's said he'd like to settle down with me and things like that...

I guess another thing bothering me is that... he's going to live with a girl next year, and I'm worried he's going to fall for her. He's the type of guy who's never really had many female friends, and he's also the type of guy who says "Guys only make friends with girls if they wanna get with them"... and the thing is he doesn't really make an effort with me so much anymore like, I have to talk to him etc. but for this girl, he starts convos with her and makes more of an effort with her...? And I asked him about it and he said he kind of wants a bit of a break (so now we're on a 3 month break) and that he wants to spend time with his friends, and he said he's making an effort to get to know her because he's living with her next year and that's it... and he's told me he won't fall for her and that she's not his type, and that he loves me but... his actions just sometimes make me think otherwise (like sometimes he says "I don't wanna see you" or "I don't wanna talk to you").

The thing is, I'm seriously so into him but I think to an obsessive point (but that's what I'm hoping this "break" will do, break me out of my obsessiveness) and that's why I don't really want to break up with him as like I said, whenever I'm with him physically, things are amazing and he's the sweetest person ever..?

Reply 5

Freudian Slip

Original post by lovingislosing

If you feel neglected I'd suggest you end it before he ends up hurting you. Leave now while you still have you dignity.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Please, avoid projecting your own hang-ups about love onto other people... it's not helpful. :redface:

Experience suggests men (and women, for that matter) like their own space from time to time. Hell, as much as I love my boyfriend, I couldn't spend every waking moment with the guy and we practically live together! Give him some space, OP, to just enjoy on his own and, if that doesn't work out or you can't move past it, it might be worth you two sitting down and discussing what you both really want out of the relationship.

Best of luck. :smile:

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 6

SyOnGuitar

Original post by lovingislosing

If you feel neglected I'd suggest you end it before he ends up hurting you. Leave now while you still have you dignity.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Well I didn't specifically say that I felt neglected but I was just wondering if he seemed like he was just not so interested in me anymore

Reply 7

SyOnGuitar

Original post by alcibiade

You know, that is soooo helpful.. See I have this inkling that he might just be feeling the way he did before we broke up that time.. and he'd told me later that he didn't really want to break up with me then, and he doesn't now too! But I guess the thing about it now is that well... There's something new in the equation? Like I said before about the girl. The only reason I'm so worried is because he's always, always said to me that he doesn't see the need to make friends with girls and stuffs if he has me because he thinks guys only make friends with girls if they are potentially interested in them.

Reply 8

SyOnGuitar

Original post by Freudian Slip

Please, avoid projecting your own hang-ups about love onto other people... it's not helpful. :redface:

You're right, but don't you think a 3 month long break is kind of... long? And well, I was just wondering what you thought about how he is treating me? Like, at the beginning he normally replies to my texts, makes the effort to talk to me blah blah and actually wants to spend time with me and does special things for me, like at the beginning of the year he suggested us getting accommodation together for the next school year (but I'd said no, later on decided to say yes but then he changed his mind), but now he doesn't really want to talk to me as much and doesn't make much effort for me, and if I ask him if he'll do something special for me he's like "I don't know" and stuffs.. Do you think that's the effect of me overwhelming him??

Reply 9

Freudian Slip

Original post by SyOnGuitar

Holy hell, I didn't realise it'd been that long... must've misread. :erm:

I guess it might be because he feels a little overwhelmed and I'd just make a point of saying: basing the standards of your relationship now on what they were in the beginning is likely to fall flat. People change and, as complacency sets in, those things that were so common at the start tend to fade out (not that I agree they should disappear completely, of course).

Unfortunately, I feel the only person who's gonna be able to clear up this situation for you is your boyfriend, hon.

Reply 10

SyOnGuitar

Original post by Freudian Slip

Holy hell, I didn't realise it'd been that long... must've misread. :erm:

Well the thing is I've tried to talk to him but he says one thing and does another so I don't know..

Reply 11

iEatMuFFiNS

From what i read it sounds like a losing battle to me, but then again i could be wrong!

Reply 12

lovingislosing

Original post by SyOnGuitar

Well I didn't specifically say that I felt neglected but I was just wondering if he seemed like he was just not so interested in me anymore

He probably isn't if that's the way he's acting

Reply 13

hippieglitter

After spending every second of every day together he probably just needs a bit of space. I live with my fiance but we'd both go mental without a little bit of alone time each, I have my afternoons at home while he is at work and he goes to the gym in the morning after dropping me at work, he also has every other Saturday while I work.

But seriously, if you worried TALK TO HIM!!!

Reply 14

SyOnGuitar

Original post by hippieglitter

I try but he doesn't like talking because I ask too many questions.

Reply 15

hippieglitter

Original post by SyOnGuitar

I try but he doesn't like talking because I ask too many questions.

This is a problem, what do you do, sit in silence? You are not going to sort anything out in any relationship if you can't talk to your partner. Being able to talk openly and frankly is key for a happy, functional relationship.

Reply 16

Anonymous #2

It scares me that people can be together for this long and then have sudden problems like losing interest in each other :frown:

Reply 17

Lilypad12345

Tbh, and this is my opinion, if someone is in love, there is no way they would want to be separated from their partner for a whole 3 MONTHS that is crazy. I'd understand suggesting that when your angry after an argument and taking a few days break or even a week. But by then you should be missing your partner like crazy. Me and my boyfriend have had some problems before but when we want space we always end up missing each other loads and that is how it should me. I wouldn't stand for my boyfriend asking for a 3 month break and not seeming keen to talk to me after me giving him space. How much space have you given him?