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Help! I read my boyfriend's emails...
I'm in a bit of a state at the moment.
Boyf and I had been coasting along nicely as you do. Last week, he left my house without logging off his email account, a first for him. I was going to log off for him automatically, but a convo we had earlier where he said he hadn't spoken to his ex for 2 months (when there were 2 recent dialled calls from him to her on his phone) made me a bit curious and I delved in. I'm 110% aware this was VERY wrong so please don't flame me for it.
Well... biggest mistake of my life. He's one of these people who never deletes any mails, including the sent ones. I now know so much about him and his past, that he regularly emails not just his immediate ex but all his exes, sometime with provocative stuff, but at least he tells everyone of them he's with me - apart from his immediate ex. No mention of me whatsoever (she lives in Australia so I know he doesn't see her) and he recently told her he thinks about her every day and misses her. He dumped her (via email) after a year together saying he felt suffocated and wanted to travel.
What got to me the most was that he described what we did sexually to his male friends. I don't know if that's normal for men in their 20s (we're both in our 20s) but it made me sick. He had also lied to me about other things, e.g. he said he used a condom every time with his ex but there were emails about contraceptive pills vs injection.
I didn't confront him (how could I?) but I started acting very weird, paranoid, snappy, argumentative and kept refusing to let him use my computer. So last night he rang me and ended it and I'm really upset - even though in light of the above I think it's for the best. My question is - now we've split up, do I tell him what I've done? He now thinks I'm some psycho as the weirdness etc is really out of character for me.
Sorry it's so long, but even writing it down has helped!
ps: yes I know reading other people's emails is very, very wrong. I have learnt this the hard way
Boyf and I had been coasting along nicely as you do. Last week, he left my house without logging off his email account, a first for him. I was going to log off for him automatically, but a convo we had earlier where he said he hadn't spoken to his ex for 2 months (when there were 2 recent dialled calls from him to her on his phone) made me a bit curious and I delved in. I'm 110% aware this was VERY wrong so please don't flame me for it.
Well... biggest mistake of my life. He's one of these people who never deletes any mails, including the sent ones. I now know so much about him and his past, that he regularly emails not just his immediate ex but all his exes, sometime with provocative stuff, but at least he tells everyone of them he's with me - apart from his immediate ex. No mention of me whatsoever (she lives in Australia so I know he doesn't see her) and he recently told her he thinks about her every day and misses her. He dumped her (via email) after a year together saying he felt suffocated and wanted to travel.
What got to me the most was that he described what we did sexually to his male friends. I don't know if that's normal for men in their 20s (we're both in our 20s) but it made me sick. He had also lied to me about other things, e.g. he said he used a condom every time with his ex but there were emails about contraceptive pills vs injection.
I didn't confront him (how could I?) but I started acting very weird, paranoid, snappy, argumentative and kept refusing to let him use my computer. So last night he rang me and ended it and I'm really upset - even though in light of the above I think it's for the best. My question is - now we've split up, do I tell him what I've done? He now thinks I'm some psycho as the weirdness etc is really out of character for me.
Sorry it's so long, but even writing it down has helped!
ps: yes I know reading other people's emails is very, very wrong. I have learnt this the hard way
Scroll to see replies
Wow.. you read his mail.... I don't know its the classic law situation, is a confession gotten by illegal means admissable? Shouldn't be, and the people who did it illegally should be brought before court (where I live an illegal confessionw as broughbt before trial and allowed entrance but yeah). Wow, i'd be really upset if I was your b/f. He has a hugh reason to do what he did, even without knowing and wow./.. you did wrong, very wrong, and telling will make sure he never talks to you again. Not telling is just wrong.
Whether it be right or wrong to read his emails is by the by; I think that you are lucky that he did leave his account open for you that day. He unfortunately cannot be trusted, and to discuss personal matters between the 2 of you to his friends is both puerile and shows a complete lack of respect. He has lied to you, and keeps in contact with exes; you are better off without him. I would let him know that I had seen the emails and ask him what right he thinks he has to put you at risk by lying about protection etc. in the past.
keep your chin up, and know that you are better off now.
keep your chin up, and know that you are better off now.
I read my ex's texts and found out he was cheating on me with his ex.Things between me and him got worse day by day and we called it off. It was hard because I did want to confront him but one of his mates warned me that he'd claim me invading his privacy is worse than what he did (lol yea I know hes a ********) but anyway the point is at the moment as horrible as it feels let go. He wasnt honest to you,he hurt you and ended it - you owe him nothing. 
Pick up the pieces and move on chick!
Pick up the pieces and move on chick!Ouch.
It probably is best that you found out, because otherwise it could be ages before you'd have found out about this, and you need to know.
I don't see much sense in you confronting him about it now you're not with him anyway (and better rid of him!) but if you feel a need to, I suppose you've got nothing to lose. He'll be angry, but it's not as though there's a relationship to spoil anyway...
It probably is best that you found out, because otherwise it could be ages before you'd have found out about this, and you need to know.
I don't see much sense in you confronting him about it now you're not with him anyway (and better rid of him!) but if you feel a need to, I suppose you've got nothing to lose. He'll be angry, but it's not as though there's a relationship to spoil anyway...
So you didn't find out anything which shows he has been cheating? I don't think he sounds like a great guy, but he hasn't really done anything outrageous. White lies are often necessary in relationships, there is nothing wrong with him emailing his previous girlfriends but he might not want you to be paraniod about that. Talking about your sex life isn't a great reflection on his character, but many women talk about their sex lives (alla sex and the city or friends) with their friends and a few men do as well. The only thing he has done which is quite serious in my view is lie about contraception, because when you are sleeping with someone it is important to know the risks they have exposed themselves to which could have a direct and harmful effect on you. Still you don't like the guy or trust him now so you are probably better off without him. I wouldn't tell him what you did, he might repeat it to someone, and it reflects more badly on you than acting weirdly. I hope you find someone better for you. 
Well.. you know what you did was wrong. But look at what you found out and think about whether you may not have over-reacted:
1. Even if he is slightly flirtatious with his exes, they are all aware that he is attached (which is in itself enough to counter any possible repercutions from the flirting). Let's face it, most people flirt in day-to-day situations even when they are with someone else. The only person he hasn't told is the other side of the world; there will hardly have been any problems there. To be honest you could almost be thankful that he is venting his desire to flirt and be slightly provactive at someone who won't even become an issue for your relationship. As nice as the ideal of someone who only thinks about their partner 24/7 is, it is just that - an ideal. Most people have some issues about totally resigning themself to someone else and like to keep some sort of window open.
2. And even here you make the assumption that because he hasn't mentioned you in an email, she doesn't know about you. Whilst it might be likely he hasn't mentioned you to her, it's not conclusive. Maybe he just doesn't talk about you with her very much (which could be for a number of reasons, including so as not to upset her unduly).
3. Yes, a lot of guys talk in lurid detail about their sex-life when they are with their mates. I find it pretty tasteless, but it happens.
4. The contraception issue. How do you know that he didn't use condoms as well as the Pill or whatever? It's an assumption again.
In my opinion you are more in the wrong here. He might have kept up some empty flirtation with an ex, but you went for the full-out betrayal of trust. So before everyone gets the whole "you go girlfriend" thing going on I would like to point out that what caused the end of the r'ship was the OP's behaviour. He hasn't been a model boyf, but I am sure you keep some things from him (as everyone does from everyone else to an extent).
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's how I see this.
1. Even if he is slightly flirtatious with his exes, they are all aware that he is attached (which is in itself enough to counter any possible repercutions from the flirting). Let's face it, most people flirt in day-to-day situations even when they are with someone else. The only person he hasn't told is the other side of the world; there will hardly have been any problems there. To be honest you could almost be thankful that he is venting his desire to flirt and be slightly provactive at someone who won't even become an issue for your relationship. As nice as the ideal of someone who only thinks about their partner 24/7 is, it is just that - an ideal. Most people have some issues about totally resigning themself to someone else and like to keep some sort of window open.
2. And even here you make the assumption that because he hasn't mentioned you in an email, she doesn't know about you. Whilst it might be likely he hasn't mentioned you to her, it's not conclusive. Maybe he just doesn't talk about you with her very much (which could be for a number of reasons, including so as not to upset her unduly).
3. Yes, a lot of guys talk in lurid detail about their sex-life when they are with their mates. I find it pretty tasteless, but it happens.
4. The contraception issue. How do you know that he didn't use condoms as well as the Pill or whatever? It's an assumption again.
In my opinion you are more in the wrong here. He might have kept up some empty flirtation with an ex, but you went for the full-out betrayal of trust. So before everyone gets the whole "you go girlfriend" thing going on I would like to point out that what caused the end of the r'ship was the OP's behaviour. He hasn't been a model boyf, but I am sure you keep some things from him (as everyone does from everyone else to an extent).
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's how I see this.
^ I disagree, she had good reason to go through his email when he lied about the phone calls. I once went through my ex's phone to see that she cheated on me the whole way through and were engaged aswell.
If i didn't go through that phone then my whole life would be wrecked. Sometimes it takes a bad thing to solve a bad thing. If she found nothing then fair play, aslong as she knew it was bad and wouldn't do it again then that's fine imo. Now the OP can get along with her life and avoid would could of been a big mistake.
If i didn't go through that phone then my whole life would be wrecked. Sometimes it takes a bad thing to solve a bad thing. If she found nothing then fair play, aslong as she knew it was bad and wouldn't do it again then that's fine imo. Now the OP can get along with her life and avoid would could of been a big mistake.
You say it was because you were curious that you are looked at his emails, do you think it was more likely that you were suspicious?
It was a very tempting situation that you were put in and, fortunately or unfortunately depending upon how you view it, you were tempted to go through your boyfriend's emails. Many people will say it is wrong, you invaded his privacy etc etc, but how about looking at what you did from a different viewpoint:
- You probably felt you couldn't talk to him about issues such as his exes - IMO, in a relationship you need to be able to talk and discuss whatever is troubling you.
- You probably felt you couldn't completely trust him. If he hadn't decided to finish things with you, he would probably have never been able to trust you completely as he would worry that you would go delving into his emails again. Trusting each other is essential.
- Why should he need to email provocative stuff to his exes? Surely he should be able to be provocative with you and noone else and feel satisfied if he is happy with the relationship.
I accept that I'm making a lot of assumptions by saying the above but they're things that I thought about when reading the OP's post. I like to think about things from a different viewpoint - rather than thinking about how it is wrong and whether you should tell him, think about what you've learnt from your actions and what you found out.
As for whether you should tell him or not - would it benefit him in any way? Could you carry on knowing that you haven't told him? Do you want to give him the chance to explain himself so you have a better understanding of why he keeps in contact with his exes? Just a few questions that you might want to think about.
englishstudent -> I can totally appreciate your viewpoint but how would you feel if you found out things about your partner like the OP did? The OP was in the wrong for what she did but how can you say that the flirtation he had with his exes was "empty." She hasn't spoken to him about what she found so he hasn't been able to explain himself.
pendragon -> You made a rather sweeping statement about the way that people talk about their sex lives. We know very little about the relationship between the OP and her boyfriend. The OP may have made it clear to her boyfriend that what happens sexually between them is kept between them. We just don't know. Why are white lies necessary in relationships? White lies can easily escalate into much more serious lies. Honesty is much more of a safer option.
OP -> Don't dwell on what you've done here. The key to moving on is to accept what you've done, learn from it and, in future relationships, think of alternative ways to find out things about your partner - perhaps talk to them!
Good luck,
Sarah
[apologies for the amount of babble]
It was a very tempting situation that you were put in and, fortunately or unfortunately depending upon how you view it, you were tempted to go through your boyfriend's emails. Many people will say it is wrong, you invaded his privacy etc etc, but how about looking at what you did from a different viewpoint:
- You probably felt you couldn't talk to him about issues such as his exes - IMO, in a relationship you need to be able to talk and discuss whatever is troubling you.
- You probably felt you couldn't completely trust him. If he hadn't decided to finish things with you, he would probably have never been able to trust you completely as he would worry that you would go delving into his emails again. Trusting each other is essential.
- Why should he need to email provocative stuff to his exes? Surely he should be able to be provocative with you and noone else and feel satisfied if he is happy with the relationship.
I accept that I'm making a lot of assumptions by saying the above but they're things that I thought about when reading the OP's post. I like to think about things from a different viewpoint - rather than thinking about how it is wrong and whether you should tell him, think about what you've learnt from your actions and what you found out.
As for whether you should tell him or not - would it benefit him in any way? Could you carry on knowing that you haven't told him? Do you want to give him the chance to explain himself so you have a better understanding of why he keeps in contact with his exes? Just a few questions that you might want to think about.
englishstudent -> I can totally appreciate your viewpoint but how would you feel if you found out things about your partner like the OP did? The OP was in the wrong for what she did but how can you say that the flirtation he had with his exes was "empty." She hasn't spoken to him about what she found so he hasn't been able to explain himself.
pendragon -> You made a rather sweeping statement about the way that people talk about their sex lives. We know very little about the relationship between the OP and her boyfriend. The OP may have made it clear to her boyfriend that what happens sexually between them is kept between them. We just don't know. Why are white lies necessary in relationships? White lies can easily escalate into much more serious lies. Honesty is much more of a safer option.
OP -> Don't dwell on what you've done here. The key to moving on is to accept what you've done, learn from it and, in future relationships, think of alternative ways to find out things about your partner - perhaps talk to them!
Good luck,
Sarah
[apologies for the amount of babble]
ive read my bf's emails quite a lot, coz we swapped passwords and he said i could anytime...but bloody hell, i know how u feel about reading about their past, made me so jealous lol. although i talked to him about it and he calmed my fears. but you sound like you've had a great escape, so tell him what happened and tell him you'd do it again, and again damn it! or you could just forget about him, dont care what he thinks, and move on.
On the topic at hand, don't admit anything, just try to put the thoughts to the back of your mind and get on with things.
Just to point this out, there is very little that isn't admissable in UK court, and it's generally done on a case by case basis. So long as the evidence isn't 'hearsay' then it's usually fine.
Crazster
Wow.. you read his mail.... I don't know its the classic law situation, is a confession gotten by illegal means admissable? Shouldn't be,
Just to point this out, there is very little that isn't admissable in UK court, and it's generally done on a case by case basis. So long as the evidence isn't 'hearsay' then it's usually fine.
I think from the start here there was a trust issue, but it was clearly him who was untrustworthy, i think your better off without him.
Crazster
Wow.. you read his mail.... I don't know its the classic law situation, is a confession gotten by illegal means admissable? Shouldn't be, and the people who did it illegally should be brought before court (where I live an illegal confessionw as broughbt before trial and allowed entrance but yeah). Wow, i'd be really upset if I was your b/f. He has a hugh reason to do what he did, even without knowing and wow./.. you did wrong, very wrong, and telling will make sure he never talks to you again. Not telling is just wrong.
YEH RIGHT... as if you wouldn't have looked!!
and as if reading someones emails would ever make you go to court. The majority of people would have done what you did, so don't worry about it, you know that it was wrong so it's not a big deal. At the end of the day he is ten times worse than you and has been being very deceitful! If your not with him anymore, don't bother telling him, if you do tell him he probably won't talk to you again... but will you really be that bothered? The lads a liar, your better off without him, and if my bf told his mates what we did together sexually, i would be fuming!seriously, who uses e-mail anymore? they went out aaages ago along with livestrong bands and mcr
LISTEN, LISTEN ALL. Let wiser counsel prevail here! Your boyfriend is entitled to a private life. You cannot barge into it and confront him with what you find. If he hasn't mentioned you to all his exes, that does not mean you should feel insecure. Until he gives you a reason to distrust you, perhaps you should just bury this under the carpet and put it behind you. He seems to engage in the sort of talk that ALL guys do. Don't read too much into it.
im with english student on this, you invaded his privacy and went through his stuff and found nothing to say he has cheated or intends to cheat. He mentioned to all bar one of his ex's whos in austrailia.
He discussed details with his mates, ive heard girls convos about thier partners that would make a porn star blush.
He flirted, big deal everyone flirts all the time whether concious of it or not, flirting is normal,
He discussed details with his mates, ive heard girls convos about thier partners that would make a porn star blush.
He flirted, big deal everyone flirts all the time whether concious of it or not, flirting is normal,
I dont think it's a problem at all, why should there be secrets anyway? She is in no bad position considering this guy seems like compleltey untrusting.
I sometimes read my fiance's if I was bored on the net but I havent in ages. As long as you have trust, reading emails shouldn't be a problem...
I sometimes read my fiance's if I was bored on the net but I havent in ages. As long as you have trust, reading emails shouldn't be a problem...
ChibiCandi
As long as you have trust, reading emails shouldn't be a problem...
No, that's the wrong way round.
If you have trust you don't need to read the emails.
What makes reading the emails a problem is if there have been illicit goings on.
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