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Training to be a teacher, but my boyfriend has mental problems and uses cannabis.. Watch

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    When my boyfriend and I first got together (5 years ago) we both smoked cannabis on a regular basis, eventually I stopped due to his smoking getting out of control: he ended up suffering from severe mental problems due to his cannabis use, including psychosis and depression. AND I WANTED MORE FROM LIFE!! Now i'm studying to become a teacher...

    He managed to go from smoking everyday to once a month- a real achievement! But while I've been working hard, his use has crept back up... he's now smoking at least once a week- although he does not believe me when I tell him how much he is smoking. But he refuses to keep any sort of record so continues to tell me that I'm lying.
    So no one apart from me really knows how much he smokes. His friends and siblings who he sometimes smokes with don't know, and neither do his support workers (as he believes i'm making it up so he won't tell people).

    I want him to cut right down as it affects his health and personality. I also don't want to be around it when I am working as a teacher. I have said to him that he could smoke occasionally- like once a year, but that if he's still smoking when I qualify we'll have to break up. He keeps saying it's a silly thing to break up over, but I've been working so hard and don't want him to ruin this for me. I already feel that I need to teach in a different town so none of the parents will recognise me from weed smoking days..!!

    He hasn't been making progress and has even started lying to me about smoking in the last few months... Until I qualify and get a job, I am financially dependent on him, so I don't know what to do...?

    What can I do to let him know I'm serious about leaving if he continues, but at the same time don't want him to kick me out while I have no where else to go.
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    If you are still happy in the actual relationship, stay with him and stick to your word - prepare to leave if he doesn't stop when you qualify.

    Sure, you obviously desperately don't want that to happen and want him to stop now so you can reassure yourself everything will work out and be okay, but it doesn't really look like that's going to happen.

    If you amicably break up with him he would be a really reckless uncaring boyfriend if he kicked you out in anger, knowing full well you had nowhere else to go. He could at least put you up for a few weeks if he had the money, then you pay him back. That is, if you're unhappy (should never stay in a relationship just because you want to scrounge money off him).

    How long til you qualify?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    When my boyfriend and I first got together (5 years ago) we both smoked cannabis on a regular basis, eventually I stopped due to his smoking getting out of control: he ended up suffering from severe mental problems due to his cannabis use, including psychosis and depression. AND I WANTED MORE FROM LIFE!! Now i'm studying to become a teacher...

    He managed to go from smoking everyday to once a month- a real achievement! But while I've been working hard, his use has crept back up... he's now smoking at least once a week- although he does not believe me when I tell him how much he is smoking. But he refuses to keep any sort of record so continues to tell me that I'm lying.
    So no one apart from me really knows how much he smokes. His friends and siblings who he sometimes smokes with don't know, and neither do his support workers (as he believes i'm making it up so he won't tell people).

    I want him to cut right down as it affects his health and personality. I also don't want to be around it when I am working as a teacher. I have said to him that he could smoke occasionally- like once a year, but that if he's still smoking when I qualify we'll have to break up. He keeps saying it's a silly thing to break up over, but I've been working so hard and don't want him to ruin this for me. I already feel that I need to teach in a different town so none of the parents will recognise me from weed smoking days..!!

    He hasn't been making progress and has even started lying to me about smoking in the last few months... Until I qualify and get a job, I am financially dependent on him, so I don't know what to do...?

    What can I do to let him know I'm serious about leaving if he continues, but at the same time don't want him to kick me out while I have no where else to go.
    Few things pop to mind:

    Why is his weed consumption detrimental to your career?

    If you're a good teacher, no one will care about your past behavior, I'm sure (unless very extreme).

    He may be psychologically addicted to it - you should get him to seek professional help if you feel that is the case: it could also be that the problems with depression and psychosis (he has symptoms of psychosis?) are circular in that he may use to 'self medicate'.

    Do you actually love him (I assume you do after so long) - are there other reasons you are together, such as finance? (no offence meant).

    EDIT: What role do the support workers have?
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    lou_100 has basically said it all!
    I don't even know what more I can add to this but ultimately it is his life and if he wants to carry on smoking he will. I understand that you are moving up in the world so to speak but you say he doesn't even believe you when you tell him he is smoking more? In that case it is nearly an impossible task for him to cut down. Plus he has to do it because he wants to rather than you not wanting to be around it.

    Is there anyone else you can live with in the time being? (if that is what you want to do). Don't stay in it just because 'you would have no where to go'. If you genuinely can't put up with him anymore then try and see if you can make other arrangements. I understand where the above poster is coming from but it may not end up being an amicable break up and he has no obligation to have you. (Don't think I'm trying to be rude because I'm not)

    This does look like something that is important to you so maybe think seriously about this and what would happen if you either stay or go. It seems you are taking your reputation seriously so maybe consider if he is right for you given the circumstances?

    Best of luck OP
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    When my boyfriend and I first got together (5 years ago) we both smoked cannabis on a regular basis, eventually I stopped due to his smoking getting out of control: he ended up suffering from severe mental problems due to his cannabis use, including psychosis and depression. AND I WANTED MORE FROM LIFE!! Now i'm studying to become a teacher...

    He managed to go from smoking everyday to once a month- a real achievement! But while I've been working hard, his use has crept back up... he's now smoking at least once a week- although he does not believe me when I tell him how much he is smoking. But he refuses to keep any sort of record so continues to tell me that I'm lying.
    So no one apart from me really knows how much he smokes. His friends and siblings who he sometimes smokes with don't know, and neither do his support workers (as he believes i'm making it up so he won't tell people).

    I want him to cut right down as it affects his health and personality. I also don't want to be around it when I am working as a teacher. I have said to him that he could smoke occasionally- like once a year, but that if he's still smoking when I qualify we'll have to break up. He keeps saying it's a silly thing to break up over, but I've been working so hard and don't want him to ruin this for me. I already feel that I need to teach in a different town so none of the parents will recognise me from weed smoking days..!!

    He hasn't been making progress and has even started lying to me about smoking in the last few months... Until I qualify and get a job, I am financially dependent on him, so I don't know what to do...?

    What can I do to let him know I'm serious about leaving if he continues, but at the same time don't want him to kick me out while I have no where else to go.
    Have a look at drug abuse charities like talk to frank, counselling seems to work wonders for most things too. Seems evident that he has an addiction so thats what you need to tackle tbh.
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    I am less worried about the bf than I am about an admitted heavy "weed" smoker whose reputation in her own town is so bad she is thinking of moving should be in charge of our children.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for your comments.

    I am happy in the relationship, He feels like I might leave him anyway when I teaching, but I have tried to reassure him that his smoking is the only reason I would consider leaving him. I do love him and I feel that I've supported him, emotionally, as well as financially at different points of our relationship. Now he works part time (partially due to working full time being to stressful for him), while I am only able to work during the holidays.

    Yes he does use it to self medicate and I would like him to try and get help for this but if he won't tell his support workers there is not much I can do as I would not like to "betray" him by going behind his back.

    It's bad for my career because I don't want people to think I condone it's use. I have seen what it does to people, including other friends and family members and I just don't think it's a good thing. But it's not just him breaking the law, and being stoned, it's also the way that he acts afterwards, this can be depressive or angry, and it's not very predictable. He says it doesn't affect his mental health but of course most people with these illnesses are unable to see when they are becoming unwell.

    I couldn't really stay else where, and I don't want to, but I also don't want him to affect my studies. (sometimes he gets upset and I have stayed up all night comforting him- about things that have previously happened in his life). I have two years left at uni.

    Also I feel like I should give him every chance as we both came from a similar situation so it would be hypocritical to dump him with out doing so..
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by lou_100)
    If you are still happy in the actual relationship, stay with him and stick to your word - prepare to leave if he doesn't stop when you qualify.

    Sure, you obviously desperately don't want that to happen and want him to stop now so you can reassure yourself everything will work out and be okay, but it doesn't really look like that's going to happen.

    If you amicably break up with him he would be a really reckless uncaring boyfriend if he kicked you out in anger, knowing full well you had nowhere else to go. He could at least put you up for a few weeks if he had the money, then you pay him back. That is, if you're unhappy (should never stay in a relationship just because you want to scrounge money off him).

    How long til you qualify?
    (Original post by hellodave5)
    Few things pop to mind:

    Why is his weed consumption detrimental to your career?

    If you're a good teacher, no one will care about your past behavior, I'm sure (unless very extreme).

    He may be psychologically addicted to it - you should get him to seek professional help if you feel that is the case: it could also be that the problems with depression and psychosis (he has symptoms of psychosis?) are circular in that he may use to 'self medicate'.

    Do you actually love him (I assume you do after so long) - are there other reasons you are together, such as finance? (no offence meant).

    EDIT: What role do the support workers have?
    (Original post by MaseratiJay)
    lou_100 has basically said it all!
    I don't even know what more I can add to this but ultimately it is his life and if he wants to carry on smoking he will. I understand that you are moving up in the world so to speak but you say he doesn't even believe you when you tell him he is smoking more? In that case it is nearly an impossible task for him to cut down. Plus he has to do it because he wants to rather than you not wanting to be around it.

    Is there anyone else you can live with in the time being? (if that is what you want to do). Don't stay in it just because 'you would have no where to go'. If you genuinely can't put up with him anymore then try and see if you can make other arrangements. I understand where the above poster is coming from but it may not end up being an amicable break up and he has no obligation to have you. (Don't think I'm trying to be rude because I'm not)

    This does look like something that is important to you so maybe think seriously about this and what would happen if you either stay or go. It seems you are taking your reputation seriously so maybe consider if he is right for you given the circumstances?

    Best of luck OP
    I meant to quote you guys in my last comment. Sorry.
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    (Original post by Tom78)
    Have a look at drug abuse charities like talk to frank, counselling seems to work wonders for most things too. Seems evident that he has an addiction so thats what you need to tackle tbh.


    Thanks, but as his smoking is a lot less than it was, would this sort of thing still help?

    Do you have personal experience of people getting counselling for this sort of problem?
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    (Original post by Old_Simon)
    I am less worried about the bf than I am about an admitted heavy "weed" smoker whose reputation in her own town is so bad she is thinking of moving should be in charge of our children.

    I can see that you are unhappy to let people have a second chance. By your reasoning no one should try to better themselves.

    You must be proud. I'm glad you've had the privilege of living a life without mistakes.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I can see that you are unhappy to let people have a second chance. By your reasoning no one should try to better themselves.

    You must be proud. I'm glad you've had the privilege of living a life without mistakes.
    Yes but my opinion is immaterial. Dozens possibly hundreds of parents are going to know their kids are in the care of a dope head. They do not know when you gave up or what you did since or whether you intend to start again. You are furthermore continuing your unsuitable lifestyle by supporting another addict. This is not the milieu from which our teachers should be drawn.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for your comments.

    I am happy in the relationship, He feels like I might leave him anyway when I teaching, but I have tried to reassure him that his smoking is the only reason I would consider leaving him. I do love him and I feel that I've supported him, emotionally, as well as financially at different points of our relationship. Now he works part time (partially due to working full time being to stressful for him), while I am only able to work during the holidays.

    Yes he does use it to self medicate and I would like him to try and get help for this but if he won't tell his support workers there is not much I can do as I would not like to "betray" him by going behind his back.

    It's bad for my career because I don't want people to think I condone it's use. I have seen what it does to people, including other friends and family members and I just don't think it's a good thing. But it's not just him breaking the law, and being stoned, it's also the way that he acts afterwards, this can be depressive or angry, and it's not very predictable. He says it doesn't affect his mental health but of course most people with these illnesses are unable to see when they are becoming unwell.

    I couldn't really stay else where, and I don't want to, but I also don't want him to affect my studies. (sometimes he gets upset and I have stayed up all night comforting him- about things that have previously happened in his life). I have two years left at uni.

    Also I feel like I should give him every chance as we both came from a similar situation so it would be hypocritical to dump him with out doing so..
    Counselling and psychotherapy would definitely be worth a shot, if he is willing to talk to someone about his situation.

    I wouldn't worry too much about the stoner bf effecting your career - its not really condoning unless you're enabling him - like nipping off to pick some up for him :P
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks, but as his smoking is a lot less than it was, would this sort of thing still help?

    Do you have personal experience of people getting counselling for this sort of problem?
    The way you've described it it sounds like he is displaying addictive behaviour even if he now smokes smaller amounts, charities will offer a lot of guidance and support I imagine for both of you.

    I've got person experience of counselling, I imagine it could help someone who displayed addictive behaviour because it assists the person in finding the faults and solutions within themselves. I imagine you could go together and that'd allow you to talk the situation over judgement free, with the counsellor acting as a sort of mediator.
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    I imagine, I imagine, I imagine, I imagine I imagine....
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    Word of warning..

    It's an offence to allow the house to be used for smoking the stuff. So if you're in charge of the house and allow him to smoke and they prove you were aware. Guess what?

    Teaching goes directly out the window.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Word of warning..

    It's an offence to allow the house to be used for smoking the stuff. So if you're in charge of the house and allow him to smoke and they prove you were aware. Guess what?

    Teaching goes directly out the window.
    Oh heck. Do not do anything except support this ridiculous woman or you will be "moderated" out of the game.
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    (Original post by Old_Simon)
    Oh heck. Do not do anything except support this ridiculous woman or you will be "moderated" out of the game.

    Yeah I have been getting a few pull ups. It will be perceived as an insult was the one recently. Rather odd a total stranger could message a person replying to me making it what I would have thought! Odd very odd! Even though I engaged in conversation within the thread AFTER the alleged insult. With no malice being debated or along those lines.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Word of warning..

    It's an offence to allow the house to be used for smoking the stuff. So if you're in charge of the house and allow him to smoke and they prove you were aware. Guess what?

    Teaching goes directly out the window.
    Yeah this is one of the big reasons I don't want him doing it. Also- even if he doesn't do it in the house, someone could find out and gossip spreads quickly at the school gates = complaints being made to the school and possible grounds for dismissal?? Perhaps I'm being over cautious but rather that than under cautious!!!
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    This guy has a job, pays the bills and smokes once or twice a week? This guy doesn't have a drug problem, he has women problem. Your just being controlling, and changing goal posts left right and centre. Him smoking really does not impact you or your career. Especially if he is only smoking as much as you say. I know several teachers who partake in smoking weed and other drugs. Your private life is your private life, people only know what you tell them, nad in any circumatance drawing a line between your work life and persoanl life is a must. You sound really selfish, do you not think you being a skint student reliant on him has had an impact on his options? Your worried he might kick you out, so you should. Stick your ideals up your arse because in the real world its about being realistic, He hasn't given up because he enjoys it and probably feels he has got the balance right. He probably won't give up any time soon. You don't have to be with him, you don't have to date a smoker. Make a decision because he has made his, he is still smoking. He probly doesn't take your threat/ ultimatim seriously because he quite frankly thinks its petty. I don't blame him, and he's probably thinking if your willing to leave him over that then just ****ing do it.
    The only person that can **** up your career is you, and thats the truth. Unless this guy is a useless boyfriend beside this, than i think you should put things into perspective, i wouldn't be surprised if he feels completely deflated that despite all he does and has done, him smoking overrides all of that.

    This genuinely comes across you care more about how this makes you look than the speculative health risks.
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    A lot of addicts will put their addiction before everything else including partners, family, jobs and their own health.

    I don't think your BF will stop taking cannabis and I think it is not good for anyone to have someone in their life who deliberately damages their health and lie to people about it and refuse to do anything about it. I think your BF will wear you down and could affect your studies and career.

    I know it sounds harsh but I think you need to give your future with your BF some serious thought.
 
 
 
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