Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

My boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008. Is this a problem? Watch

    • Thread Starter

    As the title says - my boyfriend hasn't worked since 2008.
    I am 9 years older than him (he is 31) and I am employed. Years ago I agreed to allow my boyfriend to live rent free with me but he spends his savings - he saved thousands from a job working in a private members club in a large city - on food and clothes. He lives extremely frugally) because I wanted him to explore his creative urges and be free to write. I used to want to be a writer when I was younger and my parents pushed me to work early on and I feel I squandered any talent I had by not working on it. I didn't want the same for him. I know he cares for me, but he has told me that he doesn't love me. He had a difficult break up in 2006 with a woman he loved but who treated him unfairly. They spoke on the internet for years and then she stopped talking to him. He had fallen in love with her and he waited until she finally visited him. She decided not to pursue the relationship and it generated anxiety in him. He was a broken man when I met him, but I valued his ethics and morals very much.
    My problem now is - he hasn't worked since 2008 and he is obviously not happy. He has spoken of wanting to commit suicide. He does not want to return to work. I am waiting hoping that he will one day love me as I have loved and supported him, but I am not confident that he will ever return to work. I have never asked for any contributions for rent from him, but my friends have told me that the relationship is unbalanced for this reason and that he needs to work. I don't know what to do about this situation, or what to say to him. I fear that I will lose him if I ask him to contribute to paying rent. He will leave me and I don't want him to. What do you think I should do to make the situation more healthy? Can anyone help me?
    I need to add something. - In 2010 I disclosed sexual aspects of my relationship to a male friend of mine - an ex lover. - This ex told me that he fantasized about us. I crossed boundaries and I realize this now, but when I did this I was numb to this and did not recognize it.

    • My boyfriend found out when he said he felt jealous and asked to check logs of our conversations. He told me he would leave me if I didn't show him.
    • My boyfriend was very upset as a result and we have never been able to regain his trust. In addition he has been asking for something from me and I don't know how to give it to him: he says I don't give enough of myself to him emotionally.
    • Because he has felt alienated in our relationship, on two occasions I said that I would accept him having a relationship with another woman so long as he stayed safe (STIs). He said he did it to provoke me into reacting and giving more to him emotionally. I did not want to lose him so I agreed.

    We have discussed breaking up before and he has told me that he would like to continuing living with me as it is difficult to find a roommate he can trust. He would pay rent in this case. I am not sure that this is a good idea

    He's using you, and that's all there is to it.

    Whereas it would appear he is dependent on you as he has no job and is living with you for nothing, but in reality, you are dependent on him. If you weren't, you would have seen just how one-sided and unhealthy this relationship is a long time ago.

    This man has a complete hold over you. You said he doesn't love or trust you, so why are you together? You clearly shouldn't be together and if you were to break up you shouldn't live together because this just blurs the lines of the relationship.

    A relationship should be based on trust and equality, which yours just doesn't seem to have.
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: July 4, 2014
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    What newspaper do you read/prefer?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.