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Would you pay for a hotel for your girlfriend if she needed a place to stay? Watch

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    Basically.....as the thread title states..

    I have just recently paid for a hotel for my girlfriend over the next few days as she has nowhere to stay (she is away at her summer placement job) and basically something happened which meant she has nowhere to stop.

    Her parents either wouldn't or couldn't help her out financially, therefore she was stuck. So I immediately rang her, of course I was naturally worried about heel and offered to pay for a place for her to stop.

    At first she seemed reluctant...but I wasn't going to allow her to stay on streets.
    I've paid a fair amount for her to stay somewhere, but she feels bad about it and awkward.

    For some reason now I feel bad, because she does. Like she said she hates the feeling of having to pay people back. I reassured her it's my job to worry and to help heel but she is insistent and feels bad.

    How can I stop her from feeling bad, or obliged to pay me back (in more ways than one) when she doesn't really need to. I don't want her to feel I expect anything.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)

    How can I stop her from feeling bad, or obliged to pay me back (in more ways than one) when she doesn't really need to. I don't want her to feel I expect anything.


    Anyway...... There is not anything you can do, other than reassure her. She will get over it.
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    Given your other thread, you seem to think she has some sort of emotional debt or commitment to you for it, which I guess is fair enough. Under these terms of 'expectation' I'd be loathe to pay because it'd cause further problems down the line.

    However, that's not to say I'd never do so if somebody was in need.
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    I am in a very very similar position now (sure you're not my boyfriend?!). I had a summer placement which I had to end, then had nowhere to stay.

    Luckily, my parents were able to sort out a hostel for me, but my boyfriend offered to put me up in a hotel as soon as I told him I wanted to leave my placement. He actually encouraged me to get out of there, since I wasn't happy and basically said "If you want to leave, then just find a hotel and send me the bill".

    If my parents hadn't been able to sort out accommodation, then I may have taken my bf up on his offer, but I understand completely the feelings your girlfriend is identifying. How easy it will actually be to stop her feeling bad will depend on many things; how old are you both? How long have you been together? How much do you both earn? How much money did you actually spend?

    As a full-time uni student with a well paid boyfriend, I have suffered with feelings of guilt and needing to repay him from the very beginning of the relationship. I think it's important for you to talk to your girlfriend and explain your feelings and find out more about hers. Explaining to her that relationships are about sharing, not bartering, may help her to let go of these uncomfortable feelings.
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    (Original post by Plumstone)
    I am in a very very similar position now (sure you're not my boyfriend?!). I had a summer placement which I had to end, then had nowhere to stay.

    Luckily, my parents were able to sort out a hostel for me, but my boyfriend offered to put me up in a hotel as soon as I told him I wanted to leave my placement. He actually encouraged me to get out of there, since I wasn't happy and basically said "If you want to leave, then just find a hotel and send me the bill".

    If my parents hadn't been able to sort out accommodation, then I may have taken my bf up on his offer, but I understand completely the feelings your girlfriend is identifying. How easy it will actually be to stop her feeling bad will depend on many things; how old are you both? How long have you been together? How much do you both earn? How much money did you actually spend?

    As a full-time uni student with a well paid boyfriend, I have suffered with feelings of guilt and needing to repay him from the very beginning of the relationship. I think it's important for you to talk to your girlfriend and explain your feelings and find out more about hers. Explaining to her that relationships are about sharing, not bartering, may help her to let go of these uncomfortable feelings.
    Okay, this is eerily similar to my girlfriends situation (I have an inclination that you may be her), but there are parts of what you've written that suggest your not. Of course, what are the odds that I would be talking to my girlfriend on a forum, that I have no idea she's heard of or is a member of?

    Her situation was that she was going to be doing her summer job, but apparently the accommodation at the campus was off-limits, due to students not vacating rooms (uni not completed turn over) and so the company/organisation more or less told all of the workers they are not able to start until later in the week. Leaving my girlfriend and others stranded for a few days.

    Her parents were unable to (for whatever reason) to assist, her father had already brought her to the place and she needed to pay him for it, and she has a somewhat distant relationship with her mother. Therefore, I had insisted on her allowing me to pay for a hotel for a few nights. I wasn't having her stop on her own on the streets or in some place I didn't know how she was.

    At first, she seemed pretty reluctant, saying it was her problem, but I wanted to because I care and love her. So I booked the hotel the same day and she was there by evening.

    Of course she was grateful, texting me telling me she loved me etc etc...the usual stuff. But I don't want her to be saying this simply because I helped her out. I see it as an obligation to do so. I don't want her to validate my purely on the basis I helped her out financially. Yeah sure, of course it's flattering and nice, but still, I don't want to condition her to be responsive to me chucking money at an issue.

    There were a few suggestive remarks about her wanting to show me how much she appreciates it (when she sees me)...though I am a man and I like that sort of thing, I don't want her to be offering sex purely because of this.

    I feel guilty purely because now I feel she has this obligation hanging over her, when actually, I couldn't care less whether she gives me back or not.

    I am 23 and she is 20....we've not being going out long, perhaps a month or two (but knew each other as friends casually for about a year and a half), so I guess still not so long. I'm not particularly well off, I actually earn very little in my seasonal part time job, but I am a saver and save a lot of my student loans/grants as I live at home, but still get a generous financial package.

    Whereas she lives away and so has more bills to pay and rent, and goes out regularly, whereas I don't. So I have more opportunity to save, so it's not like I'm wealthy of anything. But I just help her out if she needs it.

    I spent about £180 for a few nights in a budget style hotel (mind you it's in a nice area of country) so it was slightly more costly for the chain or hotels it is.
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    I'd do the same for my partner without hesitation (and wouldn't expect them to pay me back, even if they felt bad), but then we've been together a long time.

    Is it a serious relationship/ Did you pay for a cheap hotel or a more pricey one?
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    You are obviously both new to your relationship, because otherwise it would just be expected.
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    I think you need to be more confident. If you start to feel bad because she does, then she'll think you're regretting it. You have to be firm and continue to tell her that as her boyfriend you're happy to support her financially when she has no one else and that as your girlfriend she doesn't NEED to pay you back. If you show hesitation then it's going to make her feel more guilty. Stick to your decision and show her that you're happy that you were able to help her.
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    Just tell her that she doesn't need to pay you back. You're her boyfriend and you care about her and this something to show how much you do.
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    (Original post by Aivicore)
    I'd do the same for my partner without hesitation (and wouldn't expect them to pay me back, even if they felt bad), but then we've been together a long time.

    Is it a serious relationship/ Did you pay for a cheap hotel or a more pricey one?
    I would say it's serious yes, though perhaps not to the point that we know we'll be together "forever" as nobody can really foresee the future (something I often worry about).

    It was a cheap hotel, a franchise/chain style hotel, though prices tended to vary dependent on the hotel location and availability/dates etc. I managed to book same day so I regard that as cheap considering.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay, this is eerily similar to my girlfriends situation (I have an inclination that you may be her), but there are parts of what you've written that suggest your not. Of course, what are the odds that I would be talking to my girlfriend on a forum, that I have no idea she's heard of or is a member of?
    Don't worry, I'm not your girlfriend!

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Her parents were unable to (for whatever reason) to assist, her father had already brought her to the place and she needed to pay him for it, and she has a somewhat distant relationship with her mother. Therefore, I had insisted on her allowing me to pay for a hotel for a few nights. I wasn't having her stop on her own on the streets or in some place I didn't know how she was.
    Perfectly understandable - I would have done the same thing.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Of course she was grateful, texting me telling me she loved me etc etc...the usual stuff. But I don't want her to be saying this simply because I helped her out. I see it as an obligation to do so. I don't want her to validate my purely on the basis I helped her out financially. Yeah sure, of course it's flattering and nice, but still, I don't want to condition her to be responsive to me chucking money at an issue.
    You sound very sensible - this is a good attitude for you to have and marks you out as a mature, sensible person. So few of those around!!

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There were a few suggestive remarks about her wanting to show me how much she appreciates it (when she sees me)...though I am a man and I like that sort of thing, I don't want her to be offering sex purely because of this.
    I understand that completely and you need to explain that to her. There are two views of this situation, which are only slightly different, but they are also worlds apart:

    a) you pay for her hotel and to repay you, she has sex with you (this one is transactional and a bit unpleasant)

    b) you pay for her hotel because you care about her and want to help her purely out of love, then she is filled by warm fuzzy feelings because you've showed how much you care about her and, being even more attracted to you, she really wants to have sex with you (this one is entirely healthy and a sign of a strong relationship)

    What you need to do is explain these two variations to her and make sure that you're both viewing things the same way.


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am 23 and she is 20....we've not being going out long, perhaps a month or two (but knew each other as friends casually for about a year and a half)
    Well, the fact that you've not been going out so long makes it a bit more, not awkward, but tricky. Just explain to her that you care about her, see her as a long term girlfriend and that you consequently are happy to spend a bit of money to ensure her safety and comfort.
 
 
 
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