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    This is my first time speaking openly about this but I am very confused and tired of putting on a persona so I felt it was time I put it out there to get advice and opinions from others.

    When i was 14 i met a boy who was 18 that I really fancied, fast forward a few months we began "dating" and we slept together. A month after losing my virginity to him he introduced me to his older 22 year old cousin and who I eventually slept with and said he was now my boyfriend. I was with my new "boyfriend" for a couple of months before we broke up.

    Rumours spread around my area about me being a "slut" as one of my friends who I confided in told everyone I was no longer a virgin. I suddenly started getting lots of attention from males and actually believed some of them fancied me. I honestly thought one of them liked me and before you knew it I had a new "boyfriend" who was introducing me to his friends and pressurising me into giving oral sex. This carried on until in year 10 I started a new school.

    In my new school I met a boy "N" he was so different to the other boys I met in the past. We used to hang out after school everyday. After a few months of going out he couldnt deal with people talking about my past. He began to get very aggressive pinching me hard under the table in school, pulling me back when I wanted to leave him. Eventually one day at my house we had a argument and he twisted my school shirt and held me against the wall threatening to hit me if I said another word. I was so scared and shocked but I forgave him and we was a couple for a just under 2 years before breaking up once I started college.

    I expected college to be a fresh break but it wasnt, at work I met a new guy "J" he was 24 and I was 16. I should of known better. Of course he was really nice at first but he got aggressive. He punched me for answering back, through food in my face if it wasnt what he felt like having that evening and told me my friends didnt really like me because I was a "used up slut". I started to believe him and stopped talking to friends and was completly reliant on him. Then I found out I was pregnant, I was so upset I didnt want to be a teen mum. When I told J about the pregnancy he said it was fine we would get through it together. One day I had really bad morning sickness and couldnt get out of bed. I went to get a drink and he said I was being dramatic and lazy. We got into a huge argument and then he strangled me. I dont know how long I was unconcious for but when I woke up he was playing his PS3 as if nothing happened. I knew that was the last straw so I packed my bags and left him the next day while he was at work. I got a abortion soon after and never went back since. The prick didnt even try to call me once.

    This all ended in 2011 but now I am 21 years old in a long-term relationship witg someone that has never been violent and is a true gentlemen. I love him to bits but for some reason I keep on cheating on him with my school b/f who says if I stop seeing him he will tell my new b/f and still threatens me with violence. I know love is not violent but I find it hard to accept my b/f can like something as damaged and used as me. I know I have a distorted view on sex as I am more comfortable giving oral sex to someone than kissing them. I know I shouldnt still talk to "N" but I think he does love me but doesnt know how to show it.

    Whats wrong with me? Why am I so content with being a victim?

    I am so glad you got in touch. You have been through a really tough time and have been abused and used by several guys from a young age.
    The important thing to remember is none of this is your fault.
    The abuse you suffered is really serious, I am so glad you are no longer with J and that you have found someone lovely. However I am really concerned to hear that you are still seeing N. He was very aggressive in the past and is still threatening you. This is not love.
    Sometimes when people have been abused they kind of expect it to happen again, and maybe this is what you fear with your current boyfriend? It an be normal to go back to what you know as that is easier to predict?
    I think it would be best if you did not see N anymore and tried to enjoy being with this new guy who has been lovely. However, in order to be able to trust and feel safe in relationships I think you would benefit from counselling as I think you need to work through what has happened in the past.
    How would you feel about that?
    You can get referred by your GP or if you want to private message me and tell me roughly where you live i can find the nearest service to you that helps people who have experienced abuse.

    You deserve to be loved and to be treated with respect. You don't have to go through this alone,
    take care
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