This is probably the first time I have ever said this out loud (well, you know what I mean), but I'm sure I have some form of mental health illness and I'm not sure what to do.
The thought of speaking to the doctors really worries me, partly because I dislike doctors/hospitals etc in general but mostly because I am unsure whether they'll take me seriously or if they'll just tell me to grow up and go away.
I've always been quite an huge up and down emotions type person. I remember when I was 15 my boyfriend said something upsetting, so instead of just being a little sad I started screaming and smashed my phone off a wall - I was alone so no one knew - and afterwards I became quite reclusive, un-attentive, unfocused and quite out of it. However, then I would suddenly do a 180 and become this really happy, bubbly wee person and completely in love, willing to skip school and lie to my parents just to spend time with him. Now, I understand that teenagers arguing with their boyfriend and being a bit down and then happy, but that seems quite extreme.
When I had my son I'd say things definitely changed. I was still living with my mum and it was hard to be a parent while someone is trying to parent you.
When I got annoyed or upset I would just leave the house. I'd take my son in the car with me and just drive, regardless of the time of night. I'd punch walls, I'd scream and swear.
However, once again after a few days or weeks then I'd go back to being very optimistic, singing and dancing, laughing and pretending nothing happened.
Although only a few examples, it's just to help set the picture. Since moving in with my fiance things have became so much worse. I'm sure I'm unbearable to live with at points, but he doesn't agree with that.
It gets to the point where I am crying for no reason; not wanting to move from my bed and only doing so because the kids are arguing; being unbearably tired and exhausted; actually leaving my OH and the kids in the house and going away for an hour or so in the car, without saying anything to anyone; a blender I bought didn't work so I had a meltdown in the kitchen and broke the front off a drawer in frustration. I've regularly told my OH I can't do it, want to run away and just don't think I can be the person he needs when feeling this way.
However, when I'm not feeling this way I'm great. I'm up early and exercising; all the washing, ironing, cleaning etc is done at the start of the day; I'm planning day trips; cooking meals and all that other homely crap. It's like I'm another person completely.
From just speaking to me on the phone, or from my texts, my OH knows who he is coming home to that night.
Along with these very mixed emotions I'm also having some disturbing thoughts.
I'm also being what can only described as 'manic' in some of my thoughts and actions. I recently decided that a loose bit of wallpaper in the room was ruining everything, so I ripped the entire wallpaper down and went to b&q and completely re-done the wall: in the space of an hour.
I also decided just to cut all my hair off and get a tattoo on my arm on a whim.
I'm also quite paranoid, in that when I'm out and about I'm convinced people are staring at me and it makes me quite spaced while doing stuff, bumping in to objects and becoming very agitated in the surroundings.
I also have ED behaviours, such as binging and purging and then starving myself.
My OH and myself were talking about our childhoods, and apart from things people have told me or my parents fighting, I cannot remember anything from around the age 12 and under. I don't remember birthdays, holidays, trips, events etc. The only 'memories' I can recall are from people going "do you remember in X we done Y", or "remember when we were younger and played with Z/on your first day of school you done this". Even seeing pictures of something doesn't help jog a memory.
My OH finds this incredibly weird, and is convinced that something happened in my childhood that has caused my brain to regress the memories. Now, my parents fought a lot, but I can always remember the worse ones (even the physical ones), so it's not that but my OH has said that there have been times when he's given my son in to trouble and smacked his bum (as I do) that I've basically used myself as a human shield and become like a woman possessed, but I don't remember doing this. I remember telling him no, but none of that.
I'm not sure if how I act/feel now is related to something from my childhood or not, but either way both seem very strange to me. I'd like to go to a doctor and speak about how I'm feeling as it obviously isn't 'normal', but I'm scared he won't take me seriously because there isn't any physical proof. It took them about 6 months to diagnose me with gluten intolerance because there was no proof! I also don't want to feel like I'm wasting their time, or being a bit over-dramatic and it's something that I can deal with myself.
Scared the doctor won't take me seriously Watch
- Thread Starter
Last edited by randdom; 07-07-2014 at 12:44.
- 06-07-2014 21:47
- 07-07-2014 18:25
I don't have much experience in this kind of thing,but help is better than no help.
I have a friend who has mental health problems,who had mood swings,threatened to commit suicide and was depressed. I was the only one he could talk to and it helped him loads just to talk to someone. He is better now as he got a job and it put his life back on track because he had something to focus on.It's always better to talk to someone about your problems rather than keep it to yourself because that can make it worse. He had an appointment at a hospital,but he decided not to go when he got a job because he had something to focus on and because he didn't want to know what the doctor had to say.
With mental health they're isn't physical signs and if they are a proper doctor then I wouldn't worry about them taking you seriously. Going to the doctor could be so beneficial as it could help you greatly keep your life on track by giving you medication/advice. You could also use helplines as an alternative such as these:
Rethink Mental Illness
Support and advice for people living with mental illness.
Phone: 0300 5000 927 (Mon-Fri, 10am-2pm)
Charity for sufferers of depression. Has a network of self-help groups.
A charity helping people living with manic depression or bipolar disorder.
Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair.
Phone: 08457 90 90 90 (24-hour helpline)
Charity offering support and carrying out research into mental illness.
Phone: 0845 767 8000 (daily, 6pm-11pm)
SANEmail email: [email protected]
Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems.
Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm)
The Mental Health Foundation
Provides information and support for anyone with mental health problems or learning disabilities.
I really hope this helps