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Is she using me?
I'm posting on here seeing as people know I go on here.
Anyway, here's the thing. My close friend has a boyfriend. I don't know him that well but he seems a really nice guy. For a few weeks now, I've had very little time to catch up with my friend, as she's always busy. Thats fair enough, but whenever we do catch up, she spends it talking about him. I appreciate the fact that they're in the relatively early stages of the relationship and are madly in love with each other (or so it seems), fair enough. I'm beginning to think though that my friend is using me.
Whenever he's not around, she texts me immediately saying 'take me out, i'm bored!'. Thats how our frienship has become. I've tried hinting that I'm getting fed up with it, but in a jokey manner, that hasn't worked.
I don't mind going out with him, we often go out as a large group of friends. And I do go out without her. Its just I want to get my friendship back on track.
Does that make me sound jealous and selfish? I hope not.
Anyway, here's the thing. My close friend has a boyfriend. I don't know him that well but he seems a really nice guy. For a few weeks now, I've had very little time to catch up with my friend, as she's always busy. Thats fair enough, but whenever we do catch up, she spends it talking about him. I appreciate the fact that they're in the relatively early stages of the relationship and are madly in love with each other (or so it seems), fair enough. I'm beginning to think though that my friend is using me.
Whenever he's not around, she texts me immediately saying 'take me out, i'm bored!'. Thats how our frienship has become. I've tried hinting that I'm getting fed up with it, but in a jokey manner, that hasn't worked.
I don't mind going out with him, we often go out as a large group of friends. And I do go out without her. Its just I want to get my friendship back on track.
Does that make me sound jealous and selfish? I hope not.
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Tricky this, yeah it's to be expected now that she has a boyfriend that she will talk about him alot, however i am not so sure its what she wants i mean if she was really happy with him she wouldn't be texting you take me out i am bored.
I am currently going through the same situation as you. My friend is ALWAYS talking about her boyfriend, even though they may not even hold a future together... In fact, she kept going on about him when me, her and three more of our friends went on holiday together, and even though we only went for three days, she was on the phone to him constantly and crying because she missed him so much! It really got on our nerves but to be honest, we couldn't do anything because realistically what can we do? We don't want to hurt her and she also doesn't take any hints! I'm going through a break up at the moment and she still doesn't seem to realise that I don't want her bragging about her damn bf 247!
My advice is that if your friend is easy to talk to then just tell her how you feel. In my case, my friend is very hot- tempered so I've just lost most contact with her and am occupying myself with my other friends... I think she is starting to realise that something is going on and once she directly asks me, I plan to tell her... I hope I have helped..
My advice is that if your friend is easy to talk to then just tell her how you feel. In my case, my friend is very hot- tempered so I've just lost most contact with her and am occupying myself with my other friends... I think she is starting to realise that something is going on and once she directly asks me, I plan to tell her... I hope I have helped..
how do i go about this then? while trying to be the good friend, a shoulder to cry on..she tells me her boyfriend is still mre important than her friends. 
I can't stand people who claim to be your friend, but only have time for you when their partner is absent. I lost my best friend this way.
cutandpasteandtwisty
I can't stand people who claim to be your friend, but only have time for you when their partner is absent. I lost my best friend this way.
Me too, it sucks
.....but i found new friends to hang out with and eventually she realised what she'd done. Mainly because she realised she hardly had any friends left due to never coming out with us (rather go out with bf instead)it was sad, but we just drifted apart really. What was worse was at the beginning i had to go out with just them two! which as u can guess well, wasn't fun for me!!
But in the end, we had a long converstion one day about it all, (wen she was complaning about being lonely!) and i just told her why what happened well....happened. And i have to say things are a lot better now, she'll actually make time to come out with the girls!!
all i can say is talk to her, i'm sure you're not the only one she's like this with...so just tell her, be blunt if you have to be...i know i was! lol as long as she knows you're still there she'll respect you for it...if not then she's not worth it!!
but at least then you'll know you've tried
gd luck! xxxxx
Hmm, im in a similar scenario, and i'm kind of hoping for some reassurance; so i apologise if this is a long post! My best friend has been seeing this lad for about seven months and it feels like shes forgotten about our friendship! Like the op mentioned, earlier on i thought that they were in the early stages of a relationship, so i wouldn't be too offended by her choosing him over me etc.
However, whenever i ring her up, he's there. I wouldnt mind this; but he refuses to let me talk to her- by distracting her so she isn't listening me or by sulking, so basically she says "i'll ring you back later" which she doesn't do. Recently, we were meant to be having a night in, but she text me and said that her Mum was cooking for her and her family so she couldn't see me. I thought fair enough, and gave her a ring later, but (surprise surprise) she couldnt talk and promised to ring me later and (surprise surprise) she didnt. Sounds repetetive but a few days later we were talking and she slipped up and mentioned that she'd spent the night with her boyfriend- so not only had she cancelled on me in favour of him again, she'd lied to me.
OP i'm the same in that if we're going out in a group i don't mind; the bf seems an alright guy in terms of personality, it just feels like she's never there for me anymore. So no, it doesnt make you seem jealous/selfish AT ALL.
When we eventually had a night in together it felt akward and forced- and all she talked about was him and how wonderful he was. I'm also rather worried that he's too controlling- he tells her what she "shouldn't" wear- ie: nice clothes. This was the same when we went on holiday together at the beginning of the holidays- she had to ring and text him constantly. I have a boyfriend and coped fine with speaking to him 3 times in the week and at least one text a day, but she had to reassure this boy about every little thing. This meant that when her bf heard that there were (shock horror) boys staying in the room next to us he went mad accusing her of cheating and acting in such a possesive manner thus spoiling one of our nights out (by the way, the boyfriend has no reason to doubt her faithfulness, i know she is 100% faithful)
So over the last few months i feel like im slowly loosing my best friend- i haven't had a night out with her alone in ages- and to be honest haven't talked to her properly (where the conversation doesn't include her boyfriend) in such a long time. I might be classed as a bit of a coward, but i struggle to talk to her about it, because i know that she is aware that she seems to be cutting me out and keeps on apologising for it, but she just seems to make excuses and doesn't do anything about it.
Has anyone else had to deal with something similar? Am i right to be feeling hurt/emotional/upset/worried?
Thank you for reading
However, whenever i ring her up, he's there. I wouldnt mind this; but he refuses to let me talk to her- by distracting her so she isn't listening me or by sulking, so basically she says "i'll ring you back later" which she doesn't do. Recently, we were meant to be having a night in, but she text me and said that her Mum was cooking for her and her family so she couldn't see me. I thought fair enough, and gave her a ring later, but (surprise surprise) she couldnt talk and promised to ring me later and (surprise surprise) she didnt. Sounds repetetive but a few days later we were talking and she slipped up and mentioned that she'd spent the night with her boyfriend- so not only had she cancelled on me in favour of him again, she'd lied to me.
OP i'm the same in that if we're going out in a group i don't mind; the bf seems an alright guy in terms of personality, it just feels like she's never there for me anymore. So no, it doesnt make you seem jealous/selfish AT ALL.
When we eventually had a night in together it felt akward and forced- and all she talked about was him and how wonderful he was. I'm also rather worried that he's too controlling- he tells her what she "shouldn't" wear- ie: nice clothes. This was the same when we went on holiday together at the beginning of the holidays- she had to ring and text him constantly. I have a boyfriend and coped fine with speaking to him 3 times in the week and at least one text a day, but she had to reassure this boy about every little thing. This meant that when her bf heard that there were (shock horror) boys staying in the room next to us he went mad accusing her of cheating and acting in such a possesive manner thus spoiling one of our nights out (by the way, the boyfriend has no reason to doubt her faithfulness, i know she is 100% faithful)
So over the last few months i feel like im slowly loosing my best friend- i haven't had a night out with her alone in ages- and to be honest haven't talked to her properly (where the conversation doesn't include her boyfriend) in such a long time. I might be classed as a bit of a coward, but i struggle to talk to her about it, because i know that she is aware that she seems to be cutting me out and keeps on apologising for it, but she just seems to make excuses and doesn't do anything about it.
Has anyone else had to deal with something similar? Am i right to be feeling hurt/emotional/upset/worried?
Thank you for reading
Yeah, that's exactly what my mate Gaz is like.
You just have to accept that for some people life is about being with someone and friendships are just a distant non-concern they use to pass time when they can't be with their partner.
Ultimately you then have to decide to continue the friendship on your terms and not put yourself out for them in the slightest.
You just have to accept that for some people life is about being with someone and friendships are just a distant non-concern they use to pass time when they can't be with their partner.
Ultimately you then have to decide to continue the friendship on your terms and not put yourself out for them in the slightest.
My take on this -
Many of my friends are in a relationship, while I'm not (something about being in a long distance relationship, which is beyond the point anyway).
When some of them first entered into it, it was like they had time for no one else. They really were together all the time, caring little about any of their other friends. Then when one of the couple is busy, the other usually realizes her need for a non romantic friend. And sometimes I have to act as the one (especially when I'm good friends with both the guy and the girl). One such eg, the same weekend, I spent saturday night drinking with the guy and sunday with the girl, watching Ice Age 2 (the guy dislikes such movies). Though, they rarely talk about each other or their relationship with me.
It's not as if they don't need you (their best friend) any more, it's just that they are a bit occupied and a real best friend ought to understand it, and give them enough leeway. Just be their for your friends, but don't mess up your social life for them. If you're busy when they want to hang out with you, make it very clear that you will be inconvenienced. But don't avoid them just because they decided to spend the last weekend together without you.
Many of my friends are in a relationship, while I'm not (something about being in a long distance relationship, which is beyond the point anyway).
When some of them first entered into it, it was like they had time for no one else. They really were together all the time, caring little about any of their other friends. Then when one of the couple is busy, the other usually realizes her need for a non romantic friend. And sometimes I have to act as the one (especially when I'm good friends with both the guy and the girl). One such eg, the same weekend, I spent saturday night drinking with the guy and sunday with the girl, watching Ice Age 2 (the guy dislikes such movies). Though, they rarely talk about each other or their relationship with me.
It's not as if they don't need you (their best friend) any more, it's just that they are a bit occupied and a real best friend ought to understand it, and give them enough leeway. Just be their for your friends, but don't mess up your social life for them. If you're busy when they want to hang out with you, make it very clear that you will be inconvenienced. But don't avoid them just because they decided to spend the last weekend together without you.
This describes a situation usually contingent on the formation of relationships by would-be 'friends' who are fundamentally insecure, narcissistic or otherwise self-obsessed. With it dawns the realisation that such people accord your friendship no particular or intrinsic worth.
It's a loathsome proposition, but a veritable one; at least, in this instance.
It's a loathsome proposition, but a veritable one; at least, in this instance.
@ Profesh
Can you clarify whether you were addressing me or the OP? Only then will I try to make sense of what you said.
Can you clarify whether you were addressing me or the OP? Only then will I try to make sense of what you said.
Anonymous
@ Profesh
Can you clarify whether you were addressing me or the OP? Only then will I try to make sense of what you said.
Can you clarify whether you were addressing me or the OP? Only then will I try to make sense of what you said.
More the O.P.; but I was inducing a generally applicable rule-of-thumb. (Whose precise relevance to your particular permutation of the quintessential 'friend vs. boyfriend' scenario, I would doubt.)
Unfortunatly not every1 realises who is really needed in their life. All i can add is real friends are found when in need. For the Anonymous person: try find other friends to hang out with.. this does not mean 2 totally cut from ure best friend but try use 95% of your time meeting others and not trying to contact her. this should make her realise that she is missing out.. when she comes along needing help or asking if u egnoring her just tell her.. if she accually realised that she never gave u importance, What were her priorities before she met this guy and what is the difference now.. then just ask her this question: To whom would u ask for attention and comfort if things started to go wrong? but before u ask her this enphasise that things are going gr8 between them and u think he is a nice guy good for her.. in this way she cant accuse u of not liking him or being jealous.
sorry for this jumbled up text..
sorry for this jumbled up text..
Profesh
More the O.P.; but I was inducing a generally applicable rule-of-thumb. (Whose precise relevance to your particular permutation of the quintessential 'friend vs. boyfriend' scenario, I would doubt.)
If you may endeavour to cease converging on the inimical aspects of the characters of the afore-mentioned "friends" in question, then conceivably you might succeed in discerning certain essentials that might perchance be of any tangible benefit to the originator of this debate.
Bozza
Unfortunatly not every1 realises who is really needed in their life. All i can add is real friends are found when in need. For the Anonymous person: try find other friends to hang out with.. this does not mean 2 totally cut from ure best friend but try use 95% of your time meeting others and not trying to contact her. this should make her realise that she is missing out.. when she comes along needing help or asking if u egnoring her just tell her.. if she accually realised that she never gave u importance, What were her priorities before she met this guy and what is the difference now.. then just ask her this question: To whom would u ask for attention and comfort if things started to go wrong? but before u ask her this enphasise that things are going gr8 between them and u think he is a nice guy good for her.. in this way she cant accuse u of not liking him or being jealous.
sorry for this jumbled up text..
sorry for this jumbled up text..
Asking a best friend to choose between her friend and her boy friend is not really being a great friend either.
@ OP
Just leave them alone.
When she comes to you, don't make special effort if you're busy. But if you're free and all, be normal.
But putting those into words is not a very good idea. Could lead to a lot of unneccesary tension.
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