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Pregnancy, Miscarriage and a whole lotta lies in between. Watch

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    Hey guys, I really need some advice and help right now. Basically, I was friends with this guy over the internet for a very long time and we knew each other very well, so when we met, it wasn't awkward or anything like that. For me, my life was and still is ever-changing and unstable, and talking to him, made it better. We both valued each other and cared a lot about each other.

    In November last year, I began to have hallucinations and severe depression, after recovering from surgery 3 months before to remove a tumour in my stomach, I felt extremely weak but still kept functioning because I needed to concentrate on my studies. My friends found out about this guy I talked to and to cut it short, they would tell me that he wasn't nice and he will probably leave me for any other girl that's prettier or nicer than me. I have really bad insecurities and for a very long time I kept pushing that very thought of him leaving away because I trusted him. I finally over-stepped the line when my own dad just told me that he wasn't worth it and everything else that my friends had told me but with more emphasis. I ended up making a fake account and adding him and his friends. At the time, many of my friends knew that I was insecure but never really said much or did anything to stop me from doing it, in fact, they were encouraging me to do something like that because they do it all the time apparently. Ultimately, I made it and it was wrong to do that.

    Fast-forwarding a month or so, I met up with him and we saw a concert together at night, which meant I stayed with him afterwards. We had sex which was okish (putting it out there) and he gave me a teddy bear to show how much he cared about me. The whole time I was with him, I kept getting headaches and to top that off, messages from my friends at school who knew I was with him. I deleted them before I read them and told them to stop saying such bad things about him because I really began to like him. But this was a bad move as they began to say so much worse things when I was at school.

    Anyway, I began to get really depressed and lose my mind slowly. I had forgotten about this account after I met him and I never used it until one day I just went on it. I really didn't speak to any of his mates, or anyone on that account for a matter but they did ask him who I was or who this person was. While this was happening, my family wanted me to get married to someone who was 5/6 years older than me but I didn't want to. Things got really bad at home and I had to leave the house and live with my mums close friend ('Aunty') and her boyfriend.

    I ended up coming back home but I hated it. Everyday, I would cry about how nobody would like me and I would dream about crazy stuff. My counsellor would try to reassure me it will be fine but I felt like I was losing him because of these insecurities.

    Eventually, he found out it was me because he stated that I made up stuff in the past and so the only person who could make these accounts was me. I didn't make anything up in the past but I understood where he was coming from. I felt really embarrassed by it and told my friend who then said that if I denied it, it would be fine. But I ended up making it so bad that after a month later, he just told me he wanted nothing to do with me.

    One day, a while after this had happened, I decided to visit the doctor and explain why I felt extremely ill and everything in between. Long story short- I found out there, that at in March, I had suffered from a miscarriage (which explained heavy HEAVY bleeding) and my body was too weak to function properly. On reflection, I hardly noticed any symptoms because I was too depressed and out of it plus I hardly get a period sometimes because of stress.

    I decided that I needed to speak to him, not about this as he wouldn't believe me but I wanted to speak to him because I felt so alone and because of this I found it hard to move on. I wrote him a letter and got him a few gifts to explain how sorry I was that I lied to him. He got back and told me that he accepted my apology and that he forgives me but he can't trust me again because I lied. I understood where he was coming from and began to move on and try to leave this whole chapter behind. But this pregnancy and miscarriage situation just stays in my mind and I know if I tell him over the phone or in letter form, he will find it hard to believe me, and at the same time, I feel like he should know.

    I have beaten myself up about this for so long and I just don't know how to carry on living with a secret like this. I care deeply about him and its hard to believe that over something so trivial and childish like that, I lost him. At the same time, I felt like I was used by my friends and people who were meant to care about me. I was young and I was alone and as my counsellor put it, I needed someone there for me. In fact, I needed him but he just pushed me away.

    Look, I understand how sticky this situation is, but I need help. I can't continue with this secret because if it gets out, I don't know how to control it. The sad thing is about lies, that you only have to lie about something once and it ruins the entire trust and friendship that there was.

    Sorry if it is soo long, I just needed to get this all out there.
 
 
 
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