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    What do you think to my short story I have just written?

    It's here: http://www.thebritsareajoke.com/deadendmurderstory.txt
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    Moving to Creative Corner
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    (Original post by *Interrobang*)
    Moving to Creative Corner
    What's your opinion on it though?
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    Watch your tenses!

    The story veers from the present tense to the past and back again, sometimes within the same sentence! For example

    Arnold then looks down to see what it was, and then what he saw was so terrifying, he couldn’t move out of fear. It was a very large crocodile! He can’t even scream for help, he is that terrified.
    You could also make it much more vivid. For example, don't describe the taste of the food as a dispassionate 3rd party observer, describe it from Arnold's point of view. Something like "Arnold puts the first nugget into his mouth and begins to chew. He immediately suppresses the urge to retch. The chicken is cold and chewy. He tries to spit it out but the uncooked chicken sticks to the roof of his mouth and he has to fish it out with his fingers."

    Come to think of it, what is the significance of the disgusting food? It seems irrelevant to the story.

    You should also try to write in shorter punchier sentences, and remove unnecessary phrases wherever possible. For example:

    For some time, he had been jealous of his classmates going to a soft play centre called the Red Gator Tail. Arnold had been once, but only to use the toilets. No matter how much he begged, his parents refused to let him go. Come to think of it, his parents never allowed him any friends to play with.
    The other thing the story is lacking is an impending sense of dread or doom. Something earlier in the story should hint that something is very wrong with this place, which will build up the tension.

    When Arnold is being dragged to his doom, we get nothing of his feelings. We do not feel the terror that he presumably is. Don't say that things are unmentionable! It sounds like a granny talking about underpants. Just say "indistinct shapes of black and grey" or something.

    I think this kind of story would benefit from some of the style of Stephen King or H P Lovecraft. A kind of menacing alienness that is indifferent to the suffering of people.
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    The story isn't intended to be formal and was done to pass some time when I was bored.

    Plus, I left out some bits like how the kid felt, so that I could revise the story at a later point when people wish there was more to the story.
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    (Original post by pinkteddyx64)
    What's your opinion on it though?
    Unfortunately I only scanned it to check that it was appropriate for the site (the 'murder' bit made me wonder if it would be graphic) and I've got a lot of uni work to be doing at the moment to read it properly and give an opinion
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    Interesting but could be greatly improved. Its unrealistic, however...
    Reading the first few sentences I get the impression that this is the normal world but the story is seemingly too unreal. So many potholes and doubts are casted into my mind. I'm not a critic but this is way away from a finished story. Improve it and perhaps it would be one below-par but yet a good start.
    It depends on your age though. This a very good story, in my opinion, for a twelve/thirteen year old to have written.

    The story of the dead end murder
    Interesting. :yy:

    ****DISCLAIMER****

    ALL CHARACTERS APPEARING IN THIS STORY ARE ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS.

    ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.
    I sense a formal story coming up

    No matter how much he begged and pleaded, his parents refused to allow him to go to this fun centre to play with anyone there. In fact, come to think of it, his parents never even allowed him to have any friends to play with full stop.
    Erm, but why wouldn't a parent allow this? :confused:. Maybe you should have given a very good reason! Something to do with the character of the boy or something

    They order some pizza and chicken nuggets, and some milkshakes. For some strange reason however, the pizzas taste stale, the chicken nuggets appear to taste raw, and the milkshakes taste extremely sour.
    Surely someone, perhaps his parents would have spoken about this. Or maybe the food tasted strange only for the boy?

    … they hadn’t seen her either anywhere else in the centre or leaving the building…
    I get the impression that Arnold would be instrumental in finding the missing child. But after reading the next paragraph I expect Arnold too to get missing. I find that to be what happens, so it was not that unexpected. So the story is not very thrilling but what could make it interesting is the manner Arnold was taken. Perhaps describe in very vividly enough to scare the reader.

    It was a very large crocodile! He can’t even scream for help, he is that terrified.

    As he slowly sinks further under the balls, dozens of anaconda snakes start wrapping themselves around him. Deeper down in the balls is a hornet’s nest and lots of rats and various other things that are unmentionable.
    Now this is very very strange for me. How did these things get in there?
    You're also said he's "that terrified" to scream for help :confused:. If I was "that terrified" I would be more likely to scream

    Down in the bottom, he sees lots of dolls that look just like some of his friends that he hadn’t seen for a very long time.
    Erm okay. Getting serious! Maybe you mentioned this here (instead of earlier) for effect but a thing so important to his life as this should have been mentioned earlier. Anyway okay

    One Christmas however, they receive a present. It is a doll. But wait a minute, doesn’t it look very much like their son they lost? They find the doll so creepy...
    Looool, more detail on who gave them them the present or where did they find it?????
    And how was the doll more creepy? More detail here? At least one detail? It seems you were in a hurry to finish the story.

    they try throwing it away, but every single night without fail, the doll ends up being found at the end of their bed, and Arnold’s parents swear they can hear the doll begging them to take him to the Red Gator Tail.
    Classic end to a "horror" story :yy:
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    (Original post by TheKingOfTSR)
    Interesting but could be greatly improved. Its unrealistic, however...
    Reading the first few sentences I get the impression that this is the normal world but the story is seemingly too unreal. So many potholes and doubts are casted into my mind. I'm not a critic but this is way away from a finished story. Improve it and perhaps it would be one below-par but yet a good start.
    It depends on your age though. This a very good story, in my opinion, for a twelve/thirteen year old to have written.


    Interesting. :yy:



    I sense a formal story coming up



    Erm, but why wouldn't a parent allow this? :confused:. Maybe you should have given a very good reason! Something to do with the character of the boy or something



    Surely someone, perhaps his parents would have spoken about this. Or maybe the food tasted strange only for the boy?



    I get the impression that Arnold would be instrumental in finding the missing child. But after reading the next paragraph I expect Arnold too to get missing. I find that to be what happens, so it was not that unexpected. So the story is not very thrilling but what could make it interesting is the manner Arnold was taken. Perhaps describe in very vividly enough to scare the reader.



    Now this is very very strange for me. How did these things get in there?
    You're also said he's "that terrified" to scream for help :confused:. If I was "that terrified" I would be more likely to scream



    Erm okay. Getting serious! Maybe you mentioned this here (instead of earlier) for effect but a thing so important to his life as this should have been mentioned earlier. Anyway okay



    Looool, more detail on who gave them them the present or where did they find it?????
    And how was the doll more creepy? More detail here? At least one detail? It seems you were in a hurry to finish the story.



    Classic end to a "horror" story :yy:
    Thank you ever so much for the feedback, I find it really, really interesting! :cool:
 
 
 
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