I feel worthless

I feel like my life is really pointless right now. I'm on a gap year but I've never been abroad and I can't go travelling because I have to save money for Uni all year. I have been shouted at on here for saying that, because people think I can get grants for travelling, etc, but in order to sign up to a project you have to have paid in advance, and my family are on the verge of bankruptcy with £100,000+ in debt. Plus any time I spend away from home is time I'm not earning money. Then there's the next problem - actually earning money. I have no confidence. This year I've been to about three informal interviews and been rejected. I get sensitive about these things. I don't have any experience and I've never written a CV (these jobs didn't ask for one) and every time I come to start writing one I don't know what to write because I have nothing to put on it. I'm having near panic attacks just thinking about walking into a shop or whatever trying to hand in a CV in case they tell me to get lost. I'm so unconfident I don't do anything with my appearance - my friends often criticise me for being 'plain', rarely getting my hair cut, never wearing make-up. I'm 10 stone and 5'7, so I'm a bit overweight, and I feel it. I just got braces and I need an operation on my jaw because it's deformed and that's going to take years of going back and forth from University, and that adds to the lack of confidence I feel around employers and around just people generally.

On top of this, I've tried to organise activities for myself to do over the coming year, and been met with one obstacle: money. I wanted to sign up to a French class because I never studied it at school, and guitar lessons because I've never learnt an instrument, but I can't because they would cost hundreds.

I guess overall it's an overwhelming feeling of having accomplished nothing in my life. I got the grades I needed for Oxford, but my actual marks weren't exactly great and I feel like my subjects are always belittled by people who did 'proper' subjects like Maths and History. My GCSE grades weren't great either and I can't blame going to rubbish poorly-achieving schools because a girl I know has been to the same schools as me and she got 7 As.

My Dad is also a huge problem. On results day I called him up and told him my results, and he was like, 'Oh, only a merit in your advanced extension award? That's a bit rubbish isn't it?' Never mind the fact I nearly had a panic attack in that exam and had to sit outside for a while to calm down. He's done this my entire life. On top of this, he is an alcoholic. He is constantly aggressive towards me, accusing me of stealing from him all the time, and I am scared of him generally because of the threat of physical violence. When I was little, he used to more than smack me - he used to kick my head in, for stupid things like chewing with my mouth open. I've wisened up and threatened to call the police if he touches me, but I'm scared because I don't think I would have the courage to do that if he did. He also denies having ever touched me as a little kid - and I don't think even my Mum believes me. This makes me feel like I'm crazy or something, inventing things that didn't happen.

I don't have any siblings and I couldn't tell my friends about things like that.

I also have issues with my Mum because she used to be an alcoholic, though she's "on the wagon" right now. Although I'm proud of her, she doesn't understand that I still can't trust her entirely. She was drunk on and off for seven years (mostly on). Just because she's sober now doesn't mean she's going to be in a few months. She still lies to me about things like she did when she was drinking, and I've realised that there are aspects of her personality I previously attributed to the drinking which are actually her, and I don't like them.

Anyway, this is a long ranting ramble.. I'll shut up now. I would really appreciate some advice.. I don't know what to do about anything.

I feel like my life is really pointless right now. I'm on a gap year but I've never been abroad and I can't go travelling because I have to save money for Uni all year. I have been shouted at on here for saying that, because people think I can get grants for travelling, etc, but in order to sign up to a project you have to have paid in advance, and my family are on the verge of bankruptcy with £100,000+ in debt. Plus any time I spend away from home is time I'm not earning money. Then there's the next problem - actually earning money. I have no confidence. This year I've been to about three informal interviews and been rejected. I get sensitive about these things. I don't have any experience and I've never written a CV (these jobs didn't ask for one) and every time I come to start writing one I don't know what to write because I have nothing to put on it. I'm having near panic attacks just thinking about walking into a shop or whatever trying to hand in a CV in case they tell me to get lost. I'm so unconfident I don't do anything with my appearance - my friends often criticise me for being 'plain', rarely getting my hair cut, never wearing make-up. I'm 10 stone and 5'7, so I'm a bit overweight, and I feel it. I just got braces and I need an operation on my jaw because it's deformed and that's going to take years of going back and forth from University, and that adds to the lack of confidence I feel around employers and around just people generally.

On top of this, I've tried to organise activities for myself to do over the coming year, and been met with one obstacle: money. I wanted to sign up to a French class because I never studied it at school, and guitar lessons because I've never learnt an instrument, but I can't because they would cost hundreds.

I guess overall it's an overwhelming feeling of having accomplished nothing in my life. I got the grades I needed for Oxford, but my actual marks weren't exactly great and I feel like my subjects are always belittled by people who did 'proper' subjects like Maths and History. My GCSE grades weren't great either and I can't blame going to rubbish poorly-achieving schools because a girl I know has been to the same schools as me and she got 7 As.

My Dad is also a huge problem. On results day I called him up and told him my results, and he was like, 'Oh, only a merit in your advanced extension award? That's a bit rubbish isn't it?' Never mind the fact I nearly had a panic attack in that exam and had to sit outside for a while to calm down. He's done this my entire life. On top of this, he is an alcoholic. He is constantly aggressive towards me, accusing me of stealing from him all the time, and I am scared of him generally because of the threat of physical violence. When I was little, he used to more than smack me - he used to kick my head in, for stupid things like chewing with my mouth open. I've wisened up and threatened to call the police if he touches me, but I'm scared because I don't think I would have the courage to do that if he did. He also denies having ever touched me as a little kid - and I don't think even my Mum believes me. This makes me feel like I'm crazy or something, inventing things that didn't happen. I don't have any siblings and I couldn't tell my friends about things like that.

I also have issues with my Mum because she used to be an alcoholic, though she's "on the wagon" right now. Although I'm proud of her, she doesn't understand that I still can't trust her entirely. She was drunk on and off for seven years (mostly on). Just because she's sober now doesn't mean she's going to be in a few months. She still lies to me about things like she did when she was drinking, and I've realised that there are aspects of her personality I previously attributed to the drinking which are actually her, and I don't like them.

Anyway, this is a long ranting ramble.. I'll shut up now. I would really appreciate some advice.. I don't know what to do about anything.

Abused as a child, alcoholic parents, overweight...well it definitely explains a lot. I remember you saying on here you felt sorry for me, er no dear, it's the other way round. Regardless of your circumstances though it's inexcusable to have such hatred and contempt towards anyone who has ambition and is successful. You're going to have a really, really hard time going forward, getting on with a diverse variety of people, unless you change your attitude and become more tolerant of others, and respect that others have viewpoints different to your own.

Hmmm, OK, a lot to address here, but here goes.

With regards to money/travelling. Ummmmm, for now there's nothing you can do about it, so let it go. Without a job you're screwed, so just forget about it. Travelling is great, yeah, but you won't be getting anything from it you won't be getting at Uni next year.

With regards to getting a job/your CV: LIE. I'm assuming you're not applying to be a rocket scientist at NASA, so I doubt that Tesco are going to make you do anything that will particularly test your skills to the extent that they might suspect you never actually worked at Asda after all, and even if they did, well, you're not getting jobs at the moment anyway, so you may as well do it.

As for your appearance, I guess there's nothing you can do about your jaw/braces other than be patient. I had terrible teeth as a kid, but after train tracks for a while I now have perfectly straight teeth, so it's all worth it in the end. And as for your weight, if you sort your diet out and start working out, by the time your braces come off you will have an amazing body and be an absolute babe, I'm sure. That's worth looking forward to and working towards, right?

As for your parents... that's tough, but I would suggest forgetting them. Ultimately you're an adult now, and your dad sounds like a ****** and your mum sounds like she has a lot of issues. Don't let their problems become yours, live your own life and be successful in your own right.

I hope this helps.

This mustn't help your confidence much. Why can't you? Do you not feel your friends are trustworthy or something? It's better to be too trusting than not to be trusting at all. Learnt from experience, of course. Bottling feelings up is bad, everyone knows that. Try telling a couple of your friends. The fact that you posted here un-anonymously is a start (and a damn site better than most people here can manage).

You're not American, please don't use the word 'dude'!

I hate Americanisation. Remember your roots.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time...
Now, activities for yourself. Well, seeing as you're going through a difficult time, and because you've got quite a lot of history to work through, you may want to use this year for personal development...you know, facing your demons and getting to know yourself a little better. Start writing a journal, or if you're interested you can try your hand at a bit of fiction...it doesn't cost a thing. Read a lot, including all those classics you never got around to, or make a point of watching all those great films you never saw before. Get a hold of some French books and CDs from the bookstore or library and teach yourself as much as you can...again, a very cheap option. Volunteer, or try to get a part-time unpaid internship (so you can work as well) to get some experience. These are just a few ideas...

I've never had that many problems making friends, but I find it hard making close ones and retaining them. In Primary school I was known as the strange girl who used to go into the toilets crying randomly and I don't know why I did that... I stuck out because I was a tom boy too, so neither girls or boys wanted to know me. In year 7 I realised you couldn't do the whole crying in the toilets thing and I made some friends, but in year 8 I bunked school for a term because my mum was really ill and school was so boring and after I came back I felt too distant to ever be friends with them again.. Then in year 9 I finally managed to make some friends I'm good friends with now, but for 3 years I didn't tell them about my family. Not one thing. One of these friends has the perfect family and lifestyle, etc, and so I definitely felt like he wouldn't understand and he only found out after the police came into college to tell me about my mum trying to kill herself and I wasn't exactly going to make up a lie about being in trouble with the police or whatever... Some of my friends know little pockets of information but every time I say something I feel stupid, like when I talk about it it doesn't seem so much of a problem as it is when it's in my head, and then I feel like an attention-seeker so I shut up again.