scared of going further...

basically i've been with my boyfriend for 3 months now- known him for about a year at uni, and all we've done is kiss... we've slept in same bed together quite a bit but until recently nothing had happened except hugging, and kissing. the last couple of times we've done this though hes tried to finger me and i really freaked out... hes more experienced than me, though i don't think hes gone as far as actually sleeping with someone, and he knows i want to take things slowly.... he wouldn't pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to do and was fine when i said to stop, but i get so frustrated with myself- i was like this before I'd ever properly kissed someone- a guy spent about 2 months everytime we went out trying to kiss me, and i really liked him but was petrified because i had no idea what to expect.... so i dont know whether to just force myself to go further with my boyfriend now because i'm just being scared of the 'unknown', or whether i get freaked out because i'm genuinely not ready to go one step further..... sorry about long post, any answers really appreciated

Reply 1

BlackHawk

17

Don't ever force yourself into doing anything sexual. You won't enjoy it and it could affect how you act towards things like this in future. You yourself said you're not ready, so don't do it until you are 100% comfortable. If this guy likes you then he'll wait and he'll want you to be happy so you enjoy it more.

Reply 2

AT82

Probably just an age thing, some people grow up faster than others (I have no idea how old you are). It just means it will be a lot more special when you do feel ready.

Don't force this as blackhawk said, it seems like its a big deal to you so wait until you're ready, then you can really enjoy it :smile:

. What you have sounds far more special than people who just sleep around anyway.

I would be proud rather than annoyed.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

OP

i'm 19. I know it sounds stupid, but i don't want to do what i did with the whole kissing thing -freak out with a guy i actually like, not do anything with them, then end up getting really really wasted one night and kissing someone for the first time who it meant nothing with, and who i never saw again...

Reply 4

jpowell

15

Have you considered talking to him. Maybe voicing your fears will help you to relax? But like everyone else has said, don't feel pressured into doing anything you don't want.

Reply 5

AT82

Anonymous

i'm 19. I know it sounds stupid, but i don't want to do what i did with the whole kissing thing -freak out with a guy i actually like, not do anything with them, then end up getting really really wasted one night and kissing someone for the first time who it meant nothing with, and who i never saw again...

Same thing happened to me, but I was 16 at the time, wasn't ready (even for a kiss). Then when I was 22 got drunk and kissed some random slapper in a club (the bouncers chucked her out as she tried to get my trousers down). Still freaks me out that even now.

I suppose you need to be less self aware and just think of him, it might make kissing and stuff easier.

This question will probably sound awful but are you sure you actually fancy him? Could be an explantion for getting freaked out by kissing.

I think with the kissing thing you need to try and not freak out so much (dom't know how) but certainly when it comes to sex do not do anything until you are 100% certain. You will know when the time is right.

PS God knows why I am posting here, I am the oldest virgin on the planet :biggrin:

But I do regconise some of the things you are feeling.

Reply 6

BlackHawk

17

Strange how it's only mods & minis giving advice in here! :cool:

It sounds like you're hung up on that kiss and are letting yourself get worked up over it. A kiss can be a simple mistake, but even if you are very drunk it is unlikely that you will jump into bed with someone if you don't want to. No matter how drunk you get you'll still know what you do and do not want to do.

Try not to concentrate on it too much. Your first kiss isn't the be all and end all. I had a crap first kiss when I was younger but I struggle to remember it really. What's more important is that you're happy and not letting it affect you now.

There's nothing wrong with you just because you're not ready yet. There is no time when you have to be ready. Talk it over with your other half and let him know how you're feeling. If he knows how you feel he may try to support you more and take some of the pressure away from you. :smile:

Reply 7

Clarence

14

Try and relax, see it as a natural expression rather than a forced action. If you feel scared about even kissing the guy, are you sure that it's what you really want.
How about try kissing a girl?

Reply 8

brains

Anonymous

i'm 19. I know it sounds stupid, but i don't want to do what i did with the whole kissing thing -freak out with a guy i actually like, not do anything with them, then end up getting really really wasted one night and kissing someone for the first time who it meant nothing with, and who i never saw again...

How familiar that sounds. Just make sure you feel right in yourself, he seems like someone who respects what you want. Good luck with it :smile:

Reply 9

zav

14

awww it will be ok but i would say it would be best if you told him how you feel. He might think its him so explaining will probably help your relationship. Oh and don't do anything untill you want to like said before.

Reply 10

username24

AT82

PS God knows why I am posting here, I am the oldest virgin on the planet :biggrin:

But I do regconise some of the things you are feeling.

I'm older. Hahaha, I beat you! :biggrin:

Reply 11

La Trampa

18

don't worry. when you're ready you'll know. i had my first kiss when i was 16 with my bf. when he tried to kiss me the first time,i didn't let him,but then while we were watching a movie i did it. i kissed him first,total shock to me. but i'd realised that he didn't force me or anything,so he was probably alright to kiss (looking back i think it was a subconscious test). everything that we did wasn't forced,it came naturally. so don't worry, it might be you're not sure what to do, but it'll happen naturally when the time comes. just tell him as gently as you can that you're not ready yet,and he should please wait,and you admire him that he's not forcing you into anything. and when you're comfortable enough it'll happen. :smile:

Reply 12

Wolla

3

i concur with the common statements above... you will know when the time is right,... there is too much pressure to have sex at a young age these days.. i was very young, even for a guy, there was nothing special about it... i can barely remember it to be honest.. so that kinda sux.. definately not the way i would do it if i got another chance..

but remember one main thing..

its easy to forget in the heat of the moment, especially if its your 1st time, as your mind is usually esle where..

USE PROTECTION!!!

Reply 13

Sazarina88

11

I felt in a similar situation with a previous boyfriend - not so scared though more like I didn't feel I could expose myself to him in that way. I felt vulnerable when we ever ventured further than kissing. I feel that having sex with someone is the ultimate way of showing that you can open yourself up completely and not worry about anything.

As I said, he's an ex boyfriend and perhaps one of the reasons I finished things was because of how I felt that I couldn't have sex with him, even after two years.

So applying this to the situation of the OP - don't ever do anything that you don't feel comfortable with. As someone has already said, if you do it may have a huge effect on how you view sexual activites later on in life. You want to enjoy them, not worry about them.

Good luck,
Sarah

Reply 14

username47781

20

no rush take your time, if your boyfriend loves you he will wait with you

Reply 15

Anonymous #1

OP

i guess i feel scared at the time but i'm not sure if its just because of the unknown...or how he'll react...maybe that shows i'm just not ready. But with kissing i'm 100% fine with that now, i just needed to get over the 'doing it for a first time' thing! after i had, even though it was a drunken mistake, i was so relieved that i kind of knew what to do, how to kiss, etc.... so in that way i didnt regret it. is quite hard to explain, i think its more of a confidence in myself thing too which is why i thought maybe i needed to just go for it... Thanks for all the replies so far, am really grateful for your help!

Reply 16

Glory

1

took me ages to feel comfortable with my boyfriend to go further, i had a tricky introduction to my teens and i avoided being intimate incase, i got flashbacks of some stuff that happened.

My boyfriend was great and very supportive, just take tiny steps and dont feel like you need to rush. Build up to starting with foreplay, dry foreplay at first, where you just suggestively stroke the clothes in the senative areas is a good starting point, then work your way to properly foreplay. Give that a month or so til your comfy with each others bodies, and then move onto the more intense stuff.

Reply 17

ChemistBoy

16

Its all a learning curve, be honest with your bf and relax!

Reply 18

Anthonyjm71

9

Carl1982

no rush take your time, if your boyfriend loves you he will wait with you

yes true.

Reply 19

Triplet1

13

Relax and wait until your are ready, then if you fee later you want to go further take things slowly and if you feel uncomfortable tell him to stop. you said that he wouldnt pressure you to do anything so he obviously loves you.
hope everything works out ok for you

scared of going further...

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