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I wrote a poem and would love some opinions! Watch

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    I haven't been writing poetry for very long (I've always written short stories), and this is the first poem I've written in English, so it would be great to get some feedback!

    It's called 'Complicity' and you can find it here. Just a heads up: it's quite explicit/includes some swearwords/drug references.

    Let me know what you think :charm:
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    It's fairly 'out there' as far as poetry goes. I guess a bit disjointed for my taste if I'm honest.
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    I kind of loved it. In fact I thought it was ****ing great. It kind of summed up so much of what goes on inside me. I do however maybe think the excessive use of the word sex and drugs and words of that semantic field in parts 2 and 3 was a bit over the top but maybe that's fair enough if you're parodying the cheap thrills of an overall dissatisfying lifestyle. I actually ****ing loved it though, especially part 5. Really wow! And I am actually not just saying that.
    I also love the unusual form of the poem, like it doesnt prescribe to anything and there's a lot of variation in form and style between the various sections. It's unexpected, I like that.

    Would you mind checking my poem out and telling me your opinion. Tbh though please be as critical as poss. Don't be polite .
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...0#post48511370
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    it was difficult to read with the white & black. very trendy, but not easy on the eyes :dontknow:
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    (Original post by Temporality)
    I kind of loved it. In fact I thought it was ****ing great. It kind of summed up so much of what goes on inside me. I do however maybe think the excessive use of the word sex and drugs and words of that semantic field in parts 2 and 3 was a bit over the top but maybe that's fair enough if you're parodying the cheap thrills of an overall dissatisfying lifestyle. I actually ****ing loved it though, especially part 5. Really wow! And I am actually not just saying that.
    I also love the unusual form of the poem, like it doesnt prescribe to anything and there's a lot of variation in form and style between the various sections. It's unexpected, I like that.

    Would you mind checking my poem out and telling me your opinion. Tbh though please be as critical as poss. Don't be polite .
    http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show...0#post48511370
    Wow, thank you, that's so nice to hear! I will have another look at parts 2 and 3, the use of language was meant to evoke excess/superficiality/media saturation, but it might be a bit too much.

    I read your poem and I think it's really good - you have a strong voice and it conveys an emotional intensity to the reader, which makes it very powerful. I love how dark it is as well, 'The rope tinged blue to match / Your silent disillusionment' sends shivers down my spine, but it's a very good line.
    There are a few things I think you could do to improve it (but this is just my opinion):

    - I would personally use fewer rhetorical questions. They're very powerful when used in moderation, but when there's more than one or two close together, they kind of lose that power. Though I would definitely keep the one in the opening line, as it grabs the reader's attention.

    - I think you could use the rhythm of the poem more to your advantage to create certain effects. For instance, I would split the final line in two: 'You won't talk about it / Will you', as this places more emphasis on the 'will you' and makes it a stronger note to end on. But again, this is just personal taste.

    So yeah, a few minor things, but overall I really liked it, so definitely keep writing

    And thanks again for your kind words!

    (Original post by the bear)
    it was difficult to read with the white & black. very trendy, but not easy on the eyes :dontknow:
    Yeah, you're not the first person to say this, so I've changed the lay-out
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    I thought the content matter was a bit rebarbative. You have structure, but it means little if the pathos is lacking.

    If you're going to go with different forms, why not just go free-form entirely? Far less inimical. I'd also suggest more use of vocabulary, but that's a personal opinion.

    Overall, it's decent. Far better then the usual mass of supposed pseudo-poets.
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    (Original post by ForgettingWhatsername)
    Wow, thank you, that's so nice to hear! I will have another look at parts 2 and 3, the use of language was meant to evoke excess/superficiality/media saturation, but it might be a bit too much.

    I read your poem and I think it's really good - you have a strong voice and it conveys an emotional intensity to the reader, which makes it very powerful. I love how dark it is as well, 'The rope tinged blue to match / Your silent disillusionment' sends shivers down my spine, but it's a very good line.
    There are a few things I think you could do to improve it (but this is just my opinion):

    - I would personally use fewer rhetorical questions. They're very powerful when used in moderation, but when there's more than one or two close together, they kind of lose that power. Though I would definitely keep the one in the opening line, as it grabs the reader's attention.

    - I think you could use the rhythm of the poem more to your advantage to create certain effects. For instance, I would split the final line in two: 'You won't talk about it / Will you', as this places more emphasis on the 'will you' and makes it a stronger note to end on. But again, this is just personal taste.

    So yeah, a few minor things, but overall I really liked it, so definitely keep writing

    And thanks again for your kind words!


    Thanks! Ive made some modifications and I'm going to learn more on poetry and keep writing
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    (Original post by ForgettingWhatsername)



    Yeah, you're not the first person to say this, so I've changed the lay-out
    Wow that is much better !! the text speaks for itself without the need for off the wall layouts.
    having said that it might be better with centering:

    here is my poem
    a bluebottle dies in a Las Vegas brothel
    and spins lazily in a half-empty bottle of Tequila
    the worm is glad of company
    rude sex words
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    What the **** is that?
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    (Original post by hihoho)
    What the **** is that?
    It's not really that radical as far as postmodernist poetry goes :erm:
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    (Original post by ForgettingWhatsername)
    It's not really that radical as far as postmodernist poetry goes :erm:
    Nah I meant, why would you call this poetry?
    This is a dialogue between God and Satan.
 
 
 
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