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My boyfriend slept with his landlord to pay his rent Watch

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    I'm crying as I write this post. I honestly don't know what to do. [Sorry, for the sheer length of this post. I honestly didn't know it was going to be this long. I got carried away.]

    A bit of back story - I met him at a party. We started talking about music we both liked and instantly clicked. From the onset I was told by practically everyone that he was a man whore and to stay away from him because he only wanted me for sex. At first I believed them, so I never gave him a chance, but he carried on pursuing me.

    Eventually, I gave into him, but I still felt quite insecure in the relationship. He told me he had no idea how many people he'd slept with and we literally couldn't go anywhere without someone hitting on him or seeing someone he'd slept with. I pushed aside these insecurities because I was soothed by his brother and best friend, who told me that he'd never had a relationship before and how avidly he talked about me to them. Of course, I was also comforted by him.

    In fact, I was a virgin when I first started dating him. Though, because of his history, I never told him. He never once pressured me to have sex with him. I was the one that instigated our first sexual experience. And, because of his history, he knew instantly that I was a virgin. We argued about it. But this doesn't matter. I only write it to show how strongly I feel about him.

    Anyway, he confided in me a lot, particularly about his lack of money. In the past he had problems with cocaine abuse, which has left him basically penniless. This also made him fall into a deep depression.

    His brother tried time and time again to give him money, but he wouldn't accept it. He comes from a rich family, though he refuses to live off their money. This is actually one of the few things he takes pride in. Also, his brother is younger than him. He says he feels pathetic and that he should be providing for his younger brother, not the other way around. Once, I heard him and his brother arguing about it. He said he hadn't eaten in a while, yet he refused to accept his brother's money. He also constantly complained about barely being able to pay his rent. Because he has no qualifications he has difficulty finding work.

    His landlord, a 40 year old married woman, would text him being very sexual/flirty. He'd never text back. I know this because he'd laugh about it with me and his friends, showing us the texts. He'd also say that her wanting him was the only reason he hadn't been evicted (in the past, when he had drug abuse problems, he'd throw wild parties and not get thrown out.) I shrugged this off as a joke at the time, though now I know it's the truth.

    A few days ago, he broke up with me over the phone. It was completely out of the blue. The previous day we'd actually seen each other and everything had been normal. So, I was very shocked and upset. I asked him why, and he told me that he didn't deserve a relationship, at the moment, especially not with me. I tried to pry him for more information, but he just kept saying that I deserved better than him, that we both knew it'd end up this way, with him hurting me. I hung up on him because I couldn't bear to hear anymore.

    I spent the rest of the night crying, and he seemed to be just as depressed as me. My newsfeed was literally filled with his depressing status'. This made me even more confused. If he didn't want to break up with me, then why had he? I pressed him with that question all night. Now I wished I hadn't.

    He called me late that night, and it was obvious he was drunk. I took this as my opportunity to get answers. He kept saying that we had to meet-up, that he needed to have the conversation with me in person. But I stood my ground. He started crying, and then said that he'd cheated on me. I was too stunned to cry. I'd probably already cried out every inch of water in my body. He told me that he was three months late on his rent, and he had no way of paying it. His landlord came onto him, and he didn't think twice about it. He kept saying that he was a prostitute and having sex was the only thing he was good at. Again, I hung up because I had no idea what to do or say. I had to turn off my phone because he constantly called the rest of the night.

    I assumed I'd feel better after sleeping on it. I didn't. I felt worse the next day, like I had a hangover, even though I hadn't drunk anything. I kept hovering over his name, contemplating calling, though I had no idea what I'd say.

    That night he asked if we could meet-up and talk about it face-to-face. I agreed. Although I knew I didn't want to hear the answers, I still tortured myself by asking the questions. There'd been no oral, just intercourse. For some reason, I felt like this was better than if there had been lead up to it. I don't know why, but I cried when he told me he'd came. I obviously hadn't been expecting a rape or anything like that. Though, just to hear that he'd enjoyed it...I felt sick, especially when he told me that she was on top. It's like she made him come...Like he was looking at her...I feel sick just writing about this. He told me that I shouldn't forgive him, that I shouldn't trust him, and I know I shouldn't, but despite this, we spent the rest of the night cuddling.

    And today, here I am, writing this post. I have no idea what I hoped to gain by writing this post. It's just a way of venting, I guess, and to get advice.

    I feel like one of those stupid girls that take back their boyfriend after they cheat hundreds of times. You know, the kind of girls that go on The Jeremy Kyle show. This certainly feels like one of those stories.

    We've only been dating a few months, but I've never felt this way about anyone before, especially enough to give them my virginity. I don't want to let him go, but at the same time I know he's right, that it'll be hard to trust him again. Ah...I have no idea what to do.

    Any advice? :/

    tl;dr - boyfriend, former manwhore, has money problems, three months late on rent, so slept with landlord to pay off the debt.
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    The last few sentences of your post speak volumes compared to the rest of it.

    "We've only been dating a few months, but I've never felt this way about anyone before, especially enough to give them my virginity."

    I assume this is your first serious relationship, and as you might have found getting to know someone in this way is an exciting, whirlwind experience. You feel as if you've truly met a soul mate you know and identify with thoroughly. This isn't the case. Strong, long-lasting relationships are built on years and even decades of trust and companionship.

    Indeed, it is impossible to know someone fully after "a few months" but that you feel insecure is already a bad sign. As such, the opinions of those who have known him for years cannot be discounted. Whilst I think it entirely plausible that he wanted to 'change' in order to be with you, the old adage "a leopard never changes spots" stands true. If he was committed to you then he wouldn't have done what he did, regardless of his financial situation.

    Although it's hard, I'd personally advise you to end the relationship with little intention of resuming it. His actions connote a fundamental lack of respect for you and indeed, the terrible violation of trust that he has committed will cause difficulties for years to come. Any chance of a good and healthy relationship is permanently annulled. You are still young, life will change beyond recognition in the next few years and it is inevitable that you will meet new people, some of whom you will be able to build more worthwhile and strong relationships with.

    If you do accept him back (which I'd emphatically advise against), then it has to be under your terms which he strictly adheres to. Any deviation must result in the permanent end of the relationship.
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    -manwhore
    -cheat
    -no money (or refuses to accept)
    -PRESSURED you to have sex
    You should definately leave him. He has no form of morals at all.
    If he had an inch of a brain he would accept money when given.
    He also pressured you into having sex and the fact that he is
    A manwhore (by reputation) shouldnt really surprise you.

    My advice is to cut all ties with him
    Move on
    And find someone better.
    You deserve better.


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    I've given my current partner a chance after one mistake, and I feel like I did the right decision as we're now over a year, but this entirely is up to you and how you feel about it, I would feel some sort of 'joy' that he only did it because he had to pay rent, but he should of pushed his pride away and got some money from his family, or at least find a job.

    If it's his first relationship properly, and before that he was a man whore, then I do feel as if it could of been hard for him to transform from that (not trying to stick up for him) if you feel you can give it another shot than go for it, but if not then just leave him
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm crying as I write this post. I honestly don't know what to do. [Sorry, for the sheer length of this post. I honestly didn't know it was going to be this long. I got carried away.]

    A bit of back story - I met him at a party. We started talking about music we both liked and instantly clicked. From the onset I was told by practically everyone that he was a man whore and to stay away from him because he only wanted me for sex. At first I believed them, so I never gave him a chance, but he carried on pursuing me.

    Eventually, I gave into him, but I still felt quite insecure in the relationship. He told me he had no idea how many people he'd slept with and we literally couldn't go anywhere without someone hitting on him or seeing someone he'd slept with. I pushed aside these insecurities because I was soothed by his brother and best friend, who told me that he'd never had a relationship before and how avidly he talked about me to them. Of course, I was also comforted by him.

    In fact, I was a virgin when I first started dating him. Though, because of his history, I never told him. He never once pressured me to have sex with him. I was the one that instigated our first sexual experience. And, because of his history, he knew instantly that I was a virgin. We argued about it. But this doesn't matter. I only write it to show how strongly I feel about him.

    Anyway, he confided in me a lot, particularly about his lack of money. In the past he had problems with cocaine abuse, which has left him basically penniless. This also made him fall into a deep depression.

    His brother tried time and time again to give him money, but he wouldn't accept it. He comes from a rich family, though he refuses to live off their money. This is actually one of the few things he takes pride in. Also, his brother is younger than him. He says he feels pathetic and that he should be providing for his younger brother, not the other way around. Once, I heard him and his brother arguing about it. He said he hadn't eaten in a while, yet he refused to accept his brother's money. He also constantly complained about barely being able to pay his rent. Because he has no qualifications he has difficulty finding work.

    His landlord, a 40 year old married woman, would text him being very sexual/flirty. He'd never text back. I know this because he'd laugh about it with me and his friends, showing us the texts. He'd also say that her wanting him was the only reason he hadn't been evicted (in the past, when he had drug abuse problems, he'd throw wild parties and not get thrown out.) I shrugged this off as a joke at the time, though now I know it's the truth.

    A few days ago, he broke up with me over the phone. It was completely out of the blue. The previous day we'd actually seen each other and everything had been normal. So, I was very shocked and upset. I asked him why, and he told me that he didn't deserve a relationship, at the moment, especially not with me. I tried to pry him for more information, but he just kept saying that I deserved better than him, that we both knew it'd end up this way, with him hurting me. I hung up on him because I couldn't bear to hear anymore.

    I spent the rest of the night crying, and he seemed to be just as depressed as me. My newsfeed was literally filled with his depressing status'. This made me even more confused. If he didn't want to break up with me, then why had he? I pressed him with that question all night. Now I wished I hadn't.

    He called me late that night, and it was obvious he was drunk. I took this as my opportunity to get answers. He kept saying that we had to meet-up, that he needed to have the conversation with me in person. But I stood my ground. He started crying, and then said that he'd cheated on me. I was too stunned to cry. I'd probably already cried out every inch of water in my body. He told me that he was three months late on his rent, and he had no way of paying it. His landlord came onto him, and he didn't think twice about it. He kept saying that he was a prostitute and having sex was the only thing he was good at. Again, I hung up because I had no idea what to do or say. I had to turn off my phone because he constantly called the rest of the night.

    I assumed I'd feel better after sleeping on it. I didn't. I felt worse the next day, like I had a hangover, even though I hadn't drunk anything. I kept hovering over his name, contemplating calling, though I had no idea what I'd say.

    That night he asked if we could meet-up and talk about it face-to-face. I agreed. Although I knew I didn't want to hear the answers, I still tortured myself by asking the questions. There'd been no oral, just intercourse. For some reason, I felt like this was better than if there had been lead up to it. I don't know why, but I cried when he told me he'd came. I obviously hadn't been expecting a rape or anything like that. Though, just to hear that he'd enjoyed it...I felt sick, especially when he told me that she was on top. It's like she made him come...Like he was looking at her...I feel sick just writing about this. He told me that I shouldn't forgive him, that I shouldn't trust him, and I know I shouldn't, but despite this, we spent the rest of the night cuddling.

    And today, here I am, writing this post. I have no idea what I hoped to gain by writing this post. It's just a way of venting, I guess, and to get advice.

    I feel like one of those stupid girls that take back their boyfriend after they cheat hundreds of times. You know, the kind of girls that go on The Jeremy Kyle show. This certainly feels like one of those stories.

    We've only been dating a few months, but I've never felt this way about anyone before, especially enough to give them my virginity. I don't want to let him go, but at the same time I know he's right, that it'll be hard to trust him again. Ah...I have no idea what to do.

    Any advice? :/

    tl;dr - boyfriend, former manwhore, has money problems, three months late on rent, so slept with landlord to pay off the debt.
    I'm very sorry to hear about your situation - I can't possibly imagine what it's like to go through. :/

    I think right now, if I were you, I'd take some space. Minimise, but preferably cut, contact with him, and take time to think. It sounds like you need space to get past the initial anger, to then be able to think more soberly.

    Once you've done that, you'll be in a better position to look at what's happened and decide where you should take this.
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    I can't help you but I have a simple question to you.

    What else must he do / must he be that you consider leaving/forgetting him?
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    I don't think he is in the right place to have a relationship, in all honesty. He needs to sort his **** out, get some qualifications (college for A levels is free, FFS), get a job, and become stable and self-sufficient. It's obviously not an overnight process, but I think it will help him to overcome a lot of his demons, which seem rooted in not feeling good enough and unable to provide for himself, let alone others.

    Do not take him back as he is now. By all means get back in touch when you've had a chance to recover, encourage him to better himself, and see how things go, but if he refuses to go to college (which I see as being the best option, tbh) you need to cut ties and move on.
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    (Original post by Musie Suzie)
    ..college for A levels is free, FFS..
    No, it isn't. It's free if you're under 19 with no previous level 3 qualifications. I had to fork out £3000ish for my A levels...

    More on topic, the guy isn't worth your time the way he is, and it's not going to be a quick recovery. You're best off moving on. First relationships are hard to leave behind, but don't let the feelings it gives you fool you into staying.
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    (Original post by HumaidDaWorld)
    -manwhore
    -cheat
    -no money (or refuses to accept)
    -PRESSURED you to have sex
    You should definately leave him. He has no form of morals at all.
    If he had an inch of a brain he would accept money when given.
    He also pressured you into having sex and the fact that he is
    A manwhore (by reputation) shouldnt really surprise you.

    My advice is to cut all ties with him
    Move on
    And find someone better.
    You deserve better.


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    She said he never pressured her into having sex.

    OP, I advise against getting back with him until he sorts out his personal problems. He shouldn't be in a relationship at this moment in time. Sorry for what has happened.

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    OP I wouldn't listen to anyone on here, its always going to be your call. But, if you cant ever forgive him and forget its not worth stressing about. From personal experience you're going to be paranoid from now on and that will cause strain.

    But GL
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    You chose to disregard your friends' advice and take a chance, and you got burned. It happens. But now you know this man's nature, you have to ask yourself: is he worth it?
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    he sounds like a snob. definitely leave him. you shouldn't put yourself through all of this. NOT WORTH IT.
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    He sounds like something of a bull****ter tbh

    I don't understand why you would refuse to take money from your family out of shame, yet have sex with a married woman whilst in a relationship to avoid paying rent. Up to you what you do though.
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    (Original post by Musie Suzie)
    I don't think he is in the right place to have a relationship, in all honesty. He needs to sort his **** out, get some qualifications (college for A levels is free, FFS), get a job, and become stable and self-sufficient. It's obviously not an overnight process, but I think it will help him to overcome a lot of his demons, which seem rooted in not feeling good enough and unable to provide for himself, let alone others.

    Do not take him back as he is now. By all means get back in touch when you've had a chance to recover, encourage him to better himself, and see how things go, but if he refuses to go to college (which I see as being the best option, tbh) you need to cut ties and move on.
    He's 22, so college isn't free, and if he can't afford his rent/food, then I don't think it's an option :/ He does have goals and ambitions, though. He's not just sitting around all day, otherwise I don't think I could've been with him in the first place. He paints and draws a lot in his freetime (he painted murals on his bedroom walls, has had gallery showings, and is now painting his brother's bedroom) and despite having previous abuse problems, he's in good shape physically. He wants to be an artist, but realistically he says he's going to become a personal trainer.

    (Original post by gottoobe)
    OP I wouldn't listen to anyone on here, its always going to be your call. But, if you cant ever forgive him and forget its not worth stressing about. From personal experience you're going to be paranoid from now on and that will cause strain.

    But GL
    This is exactly why I posted here because I have no idea what to do. I feel like I'm going to be at this crossroads forever. Even if I do make a decision I feel like I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life either way.

    (Original post by sbj)
    I can't help you but I have a simple question to you.

    What else must he do / must he be that you consider leaving/forgetting him?
    Before I started this relationship, when everyone warned me against him, I would definitely say cheating, even this kind of cheating. But now I have no idea. As I said in my post, I feel like one of those girls I'd previously mocked, the ones that take their boyfriends back after cheating lots of times. I wish I could just break it off...

    (Original post by Mr Inquisitive)
    I'm very sorry to hear about your situation - I can't possibly imagine what it's like to go through. :/

    I think right now, if I were you, I'd take some space. Minimise, but preferably cut, contact with him, and take time to think. It sounds like you need space to get past the initial anger, to then be able to think more soberly.

    Once you've done that, you'll be in a better position to look at what's happened and decide where you should take this.
    This is brilliant advice, thank you! I actually didn't think about it. I was so in the mind-set that I had to make a decision NOW. But how much time do you think I should take? I'm just worried about leaving him hanging on/hurting him if I leave it too long.

    (Original post by Lyman)
    The last few sentences of your post speak volumes compared to the rest of it.

    "We've only been dating a few months, but I've never felt this way about anyone before, especially enough to give them my virginity."

    I assume this is your first serious relationship, and as you might have found getting to know someone in this way is an exciting, whirlwind experience. You feel as if you've truly met a soul mate you know and identify with thoroughly. This isn't the case. Strong, long-lasting relationships are built on years and even decades of trust and companionship.

    Indeed, it is impossible to know someone fully after "a few months" but that you feel insecure is already a bad sign. As such, the opinions of those who have known him for years cannot be discounted. Whilst I think it entirely plausible that he wanted to 'change' in order to be with you, the old adage "a leopard never changes spots" stands true. If he was committed to you then he wouldn't have done what he did, regardless of his financial situation.

    Although it's hard, I'd personally advise you to end the relationship with little intention of resuming it. His actions connote a fundamental lack of respect for you and indeed, the terrible violation of trust that he has committed will cause difficulties for years to come. Any chance of a good and healthy relationship is permanently annulled. You are still young, life will change beyond recognition in the next few years and it is inevitable that you will meet new people, some of whom you will be able to build more worthwhile and strong relationships with.

    If you do accept him back (which I'd emphatically advise against), then it has to be under your terms which he strictly adheres to. Any deviation must result in the permanent end of the relationship.
    Thank you for your insightful input. You've given me a lot to think about.

    (Original post by Joshale)
    I've given my current partner a chance after one mistake, and I feel like I did the right decision as we're now over a year, but this entirely is up to you and how you feel about it, I would feel some sort of 'joy' that he only did it because he had to pay rent, but he should of pushed his pride away and got some money from his family, or at least find a job.

    If it's his first relationship properly, and before that he was a man whore, then I do feel as if it could of been hard for him to transform from that (not trying to stick up for him) if you feel you can give it another shot than go for it, but if not then just leave him
    What mistake did your partner make, if you don't mind me asking? Was it as extreme as this?


    So...Is the majority saying that the relationship won't work, no matter what, and I should just leave him? :/
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    Have the slightest shred of self respect and ditch him.
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    (Original post by yo radical one)
    He sounds like something of a bull****ter tbh

    I don't understand why you would refuse to take money from your family out of shame, yet have sex with a married woman whilst in a relationship to avoid paying rent
    Because he wanted to start a life for himself without just gliding along on his family's money. He wanted to be independent of them, and I know how much that means to him. His father was horrible, pressuring and verbally abusive, so he wants nothing to do with him and his money.

    (Original post by miser)
    You chose to disregard your friends' advice and take a chance, and you got burned. It happens. But now you know this man's nature, you have to ask yourself: is he worth it?
    Honestly, I don't regret going against my friends' advice. I've had the best few months of my life with him, and I want to continue that, but this is holding me back.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This is brilliant advice, thank you! I actually didn't think about it. I was so in the mind-set that I had to make a decision NOW. But how much time do you think I should take? I'm just worried about leaving him hanging on/hurting him if I leave it too long.
    You're very welcome! I'd take it in intervals; e.g. take two weeks, see how you feel, then reevaluate - if you need more time, of course take it, but if you're ready to make a decision, then that's great too.

    Before doing that, let him know what your plan is. If you specify that you're going to take some time out to think, and you want to be left alone so your thinking is left to be clear, he'll be able to appreciate your situation. That way, I think you'll be able to avoid leaving him hanging. By all means, once you reach the intervals where you're going to reassess your plan, you could always update him on how you're feeling (if you feel ready to).

    Ultimately, take as long as you need, and don't be worried about putting a time limit on it. Getting past the anger/confusion and being able to think clearly, to then come to a decision about what you want to do, is the most important step you'll take.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Honestly, I don't regret going against my friends' advice. I've had the best few months of my life with him, and I want to continue that, but this is holding me back.
    I didn't mean to imply that you did. I don't let my friends talk me out of taking chances either.
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    Well. Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.


    He could have gotten himself kicked out instead and lived with you though couldn't he?
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    His landlord has abused a position of trust, I would class this as rape. Don't be naive, it means nothing that he came. He should really be treated like a rape victim in my view. Probably hanging up on him wasn't the most sensitive thing to do, though I don’t mean this as a personal criticism, it sounds like a fraught situation for you all.
 
 
 
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