Right well a few you who are on here a lot might have seen my previous thread about how throughout primary and a good chunk of secondary school I was a pathetic bully. My plan was to apologize and attempt to make it up to these people. I've began doing this and have been met with positive reactions and forgiveness so far. I know I'll get abuse for this post too, but I don't care that much. I know I deserve it.
The thing is I'm not sure what to do with who I think of as my worst victim. Throughout primary school I constantly teased him, probably daily. One lunch time when I was 12 years old, me and a few other classmates caught him in a classroom. I can't even think what I said to him now, I've probably blocked it out with shame. Nonetheless, I antagonized and pissed him off to the point that he smashed up the whole classroom and ran out of the school. When the teachers asked him why he did it, he obviously told the truth and said what me and my friends did. However, we all lied and said that he had been going berserk when we got there and we were attempting to calm him down. We were all alibis for each other. Also we were so close to leaving for secondary school that the teachers couldn't really be bothered dealing with it. So none of us got punished.
We all knew deep down we were guilty but weirdly afterwards we never admitted it to each other. We all used to continually whine over how he was such a **** by falsely accusing us of bullying him. I mean what were we? Deluded? I guess once you lie about something enough you almost begin to believe yourself.
Not only did we bully him but made him out to be liar. We made him look like the bad guy. I physically shiver with shame when I look back then. I remember my Mum telling me she felt so bad for me being accused of being a bully when I had done nothing wrong. For years after I still used to **** him off. It was a sick lie that snowballed into something massive as I continually tried to cover my tracks. Not until recently did I begin to feel remorse. I totally blocked out my head what I did.
The guy who I bullied (lets call him Chuck)'s Mum was obviously very angry about everything and was constantly at the school arguing with teachers to get something done about it. My Mum defended me and ended up falling out with Chuck's mum. Chuck's mum still understandably gives me evils down the road.
Two years ago, when I was 18 Chuck sent me a Facebook message asking to put everything behind us and make up with each other. I obviously agreed and we are now friends again. However, I still never apologized through fear of being exposed as a nasty bully. In my parents eyes he approached me as he felt guilty for accusing me of something I didn't do. However, it was the totally opposite way round. He is an amazingly good and forgiving person. I am such a nasty person and a pathetic person in comparison.
I have a two page apology written out for him. I know it would be better saying things face to face but there is so much I want to say and apologize for. I'm so tempted just to send it. Chuck deserves an apology from me big time. You probably all think that I obviously need to apologize to him. However, there are a few things holding me back.
I'm worried that if I do this his Mum will use this as evidence and come marching over to my Mum's house exposing me as the lowlife that I am. My Mum is such a great parent; loving supportive and so proud of me. She genuinely believed me when I said I hadn't done it and defended me. She actually felt bad for me. She will be so hurt, humiliated and betrayed if she finds out. She's a good person and I don't want to hurt anymore good people. Yet at the same time I feel I'm still hurting Chuck by not apologizing to him.
Also if I do send this apology I'm admitting that the other people involved are guilty of bullying too and they'll probably hate me for it.
If anyone brings up that afternoon Chuck ran away from school he goes all embarrassed but he has never dropped me in it for being a vile bully. I'm not really sure if he wants me to bring up the past again or he wants to forget about it?
I think maybe I should come clean and then apologise? However, this might just cause more hurt which is unneeded. However, by not owning up am I really showing that I am truly sorry?
I know I've been a bad person and dug a HUGE hole for myself. Its all my doing. I'm the bad guy. What do I do? Do I own up to it? Or is it so far in the past (9 years ago) that the past is where it belongs. I feel so much guilt and remorse that I really want to. I'm just so nervous of the consequences
Do I come clean about the past? Is it going to solve anything? Watch
- Thread Starter
- 13-07-2014 15:49
- 13-07-2014 15:56
I think perhaps an apology is a good idea. However, because it might still bother him, don't send him 2 pages of emotion because that will put him right back into feeling bad about that whole period. In person or by message, just tell him that you regret what you did and how you behaved and you're sorry for it all, and how you're glad you've changed and you've both moved on.