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I'm beginning to hate my best friend.

We've been friends since we were 11 (we're now 17) and sat next to each other in Maths. I liked her because we shared the same feeling about things. We both loved art, we both hated alcohol and we'd both never dated. Up to year 9 we were the same academically and I remember us both trying to impress the science teachers for a few weeks so we could get into separate sciences (I got in, she didn't.. but I persuaded the teachers she could do it). We were both ambitious - she wanted to be a vet and I.. well I wasn't sure but I wanted to get a degree at least.

We were basically really similar - we'd go shopping, go into London, go to the cinema, we did a babysitting course, we had stupid nicknames for each other (when we were about 12 anyway!)

She was my best friend. You get the idea. Then in about year 10 everything slowly began to change. She started going to this youth club with other friends and said I wouldn't like it, this is where she started meeting older boys (aged about 18 when we were 14). At the same time she met Jess (changed name for anonymity) - a girl who used to hang around with another group of friends I had. She's friendly enough but did start a rumour that I'd been talking about another girl (my other best friend at the time) behing her back - so I've never liked her to much.

Anyway, my friend started changing. She started drinking alcohol (moderately but she used to hate it), and she started giving oral to this 17 year old and since then a few other guys (none of whom she was dating). At 15 she slept with a close friend who she'd never dated, and now regrets it.

Back to the other girl - Jess. My friend and Jess seem to have fallen in love with each other although they assure everyone that they are both straight.. it's sometimes hard to believe. At sleepovers they sleep in the same SINGLE BED even though there is plenty of other space to sleep. They seem to be together all the time and all over her myspace is pictures of them pulling silly faces at a webcam.

My friend's MSN name is always something suggestive.. it used to be innocence-lost but it's changed now.

Another thing which annoyed me this week was this - we have a mutual 'friend' which no-one really likes because she's very clingy and lies (huge lies like she apparently spent christmas with britney!). It's obviously because she's insecure and wants friends so I won't be nasty to her. I find her annoying and don't go out with her but if she calls I'll be polite. Anyway, my friend said online yday 'I'm taking advantage of her'. She has a free house and my friend is getting her to have a party. I know she hates this grl and is just using her. She actually said 'I know she's annoying but if we're really drunk it won't matter'. I know this girl will not like the party as she never drinks or goes to any parties she's quiet and I know she just doesn't know how to say 'no'. The worst thing is that this girl has a free house because her mum is in hospital with suspected cancer.

The last thing I'm going to mention about how my friend has changed is her grades. At GCSE she did fairly well, 1A, 5Bs and 5Cs - she definitely could have done moderately at A level. We just got our AS results - CDEU. She wanted to go to uni to study business (yes, the vet dreams went) and should have got an A for Business Studies but no, she got a C. It's like she can't be bothered anymore. In the classes I share with her, she's so distracting too! Generally in a Maths lesson she'll just sit there and do about one question and just talk whilst I'm trying to get on and get my 'A'!

Aaarrghh!! What do I do?? I somehow feel like I've failed her as a friend. All my teachers said on parents evening (we took 3 similar A Levels) that I was 'pulling her along'.. well obviously not enough! She could be really successful and I always believed in her, but now I don't think i do anymore. ...and no-one should be like that about their best friend.

We've obviously drifted apart but then sometimes she really makes me laugh so much it hurts, and there's still some things we feel the same about. But then I often feel like I'm being used. She's always talking about how she goes out with Jess and the guys they know, but when I ask if I can come she looks down on me 'well.. I suppose.. if you try and look a bit older'. All she wants to do is 'look cool' and I hate people like that! I don't think she respects me anymore.

Can I please just get your opinion on all this? I'd really appreciate it,

Thanks

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Anonymous
I don't think she respects me anymore.


You've summed it up in that one sentence.

I feel exactly the same about someone I knew from Year 7 through to Year 13. I've accepted that sometimes people do change into people that we don't want to be friends with anymore. That's life.

Get out there and make some new friends.

Sarah
Reply 2
as you yet older you inevitably change, it doesnt mean that youve failed as a best friend at all. if i was you id just avoid her, she sounds like bad news, and basically you don't, if i was you, id sit away from her in classes, don't let some1s determination to mess up at school infulence how u do in your exams, its a disservice to yourself. i think you have to analyse the original reasons for friendship and see how much they have changed, then decide if her bad points are worse than her good, and if they are, just step back from her.
Reply 3
Email her or write her a letter outlining your grievances. An advantage is that she can't interrupt or get angry with you before you can fully explain yourself. Clearly she has become poisoned, steer clear or she may poison you.
Reply 4
very well said squigaletta!! i totally agree!!
Reply 5
yeah i agree people do change and theres not much you can do about it.
ive got a mate who ive known for 7 years and were still friends.
shes changed so much but we still have things in common and over the years weve grown closer than we ever thought we would be.

when i stay over at my mates house we share a bed and the other day her best mate came round and all 3 of us shared her bed, it doesnt mean anything.

maybe you should go out and get some new friends who have the same interested and stuff as you.
Reply 6
people change and friendships fall apart it happened to me at the end of my GCSEs with people i had been friends with for long time an yes it was upsetting but its one of those things happen.
As sarah said make some new friends who respect you.
Reply 7
k...only read bits of your post since its a tad long. but generally, just face it, you've drifted apart....its normal...and always happens...i mean like surely you didn't expect to stay best friends forever. People change, and obviously your friend has taken a liking on doing 'other things'...which don't interest you too much. Instead of having this obsession with being 'best' friends how bou't just being friends. and stop "pulling her along"....it'll distract you from concentrating on your own studies. Just be there for her as always but leave her some space. And just accept the fact that you two have grown apart.
it's hard when u drift apart from your best friend. from experience, i know how much people change, especially during GCSE time. my advice to you is just what i did; stay friendly with her but focus on other things like your work (i hated when people would tell me that! but it's true!!) and go out with people who share your interests, whilst still being there for her as a friend, but not a bestbestbest friend... if that makes sense :s:
Reply 9
asianangel86
being there for her as a friend, but not a bestbestbest friend... if that makes sense :s:

yeh i would agree with that, obviously you've drifted apart and no longer really have common interests, so it's a bit hard to consider yourselves best friends, but you should still keep in touch. Without trying to sound like someone who uses people or anything, you never know when an old friend may come in useful. And as you said, you can still have a laugh together sometimes. :smile:
Juwel
Email her or write her a letter outlining your grievances. An advantage is that she can't interrupt or get angry with you before you can fully explain yourself. Clearly she has become poisoned, steer clear or she may poison you.

i'd write her a letter (more personal than an email). State exactly and clearly how you feel about everything and remind her of how things used to be, caught up in the whirlwind of teenage rebellion she may have forgotten. Say that you wish she could see how much her behaviour is hurting you. To be honest thats what i think this is, teenage rebellion, something that happens to everyone, but in different ways at different stsge and in different directions. Through my eyes i would say she went the wrong direction and got a bit lost. It is your job as abest friend to help her find her way again she can be turned round, so do your best and if it doesn't work give up. I understand you don't want to give up cos she was your best friend but sometimes these people are having so much fun in the wrong way thay don't want to be found. If she doesn't wanna be found then it is not worth trying.
Reply 11
hippieglitter
i'd write her a letter (more personal than an email)

that bit of advice seems to get bandied about a lot in this H&R section. Why does everyone reccomend it so much? How often do people send their teenage friends letters? I'd think it was a bit weird if a friend of mine sent me a handwritten letter. IMO sending a letter would just make things more awkward. Or I could be completely out of the loop, and sending letters to friends could be perfectly normal, I don't know. :confused:
I agree with above poster. I'm not sure if a letter is a good idea. I would talk to her. That way if things start to go bad you can change your aproach.
People change, at 11 you aren't the personal you'll be in 5 years time and so on. I had great friends at primary school who turned into total losers at secondary school - that's life.
people do change. its hard. i had the same thing with my best friend. and we fell out and never talked about it. and now we did, and it has worked out again. we had bothchanged. but if you talk about it, nothing can go worse. you need to let your (ex)bestfriend know how you feel. do you know how she feels? probably not. ask her....
good luck!
People change. Get a new friend :smile:.
Don't blame yourself for her actions. Yes, she's your best friend, but you can't stop her doing whatever she does. Let her learn her own mistakes.
A similar thing happened to me. My best friend and I drifted apart, and I blamed myself. But then I just realised, she was the one acting like an idiot, and I wasn't going to change myself to suit her new found strange personality. Just accept and move on. By that I don't mean stop talking to her or anything, but don't expect things to be the same again.
Juwel
Email her or write her a letter outlining your grievances. An advantage is that she can't interrupt or get angry with you before you can fully explain yourself. Clearly she has become poisoned, steer clear or she may poison you.


l agree thats true.
rockthecasbah
Don't blame yourself for her actions. Yes, she's your best friend, but you can't stop her doing whatever she does. Let her learn her own mistakes.
A similar thing happened to me. My best friend and I drifted apart, and I blamed myself. But then I just realised, she was the one acting like an idiot, and I wasn't going to change myself to suit her new found strange personality. Just accept and move on. By that I don't mean stop talking to her or anything, but don't expect things to be the same again.


thats true.
Reply 19
tbh you haven't failed her as a best friend, she's failed you.