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Feeling upset and angry about it Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter


    This is quite a long story so sorry. I was in a long distance relationship with this girl (ex now). We were in a relationship for almost 2 years. Over the past few months though things started going very wrong and now it is over between us. In the past year, things really didn't go my way. I had close relatives die, a close family member in a very ill state, exams to worry about, close friends move away, bullying to deal with and quite a bit of other rubbish (i have depression too). Thankfully I am slowly coming to terms with everything that has happened. Due to me feeling very down, my behaviour changed a lot. I wasnt the same person as I once was and my now ex (gf at the time) became very worried about me and became very sad to hear that i was sad. Well, no matter how much she tried, i just wasn't becoming happy so she probably got fed up after a while and we had many arguments with each other as a result (some were completely my fault and some she started).

    Later, i had to go abroad to see my ill relative. While I was there, i couldnt speak to my gf as we had very bad internet so no easy way to talk to each other. Even though i was only gone for i dont know, a week or so she started missing me a lot when we couldnt talk. That kind of told me that we put our arguments behind us so when i got back, we both apologised for those bad times (i missed her a lot too even if it was just a week) we had and i thought things were ok. How wrong i was...about a day or so after i got back, i tried to text her but got no reply. i didnt think much of it at the time so left it, but then after a few hours i got worried as she usually never ignored me like this, so i was scared something may have happened to her. I managed to contact one of her friends who basically told me she was a bit stressed out with work related stuff, so wanted to take a break from talking to anyone online or anything like that for a bit. i said i was fine with it and stopped messaging her for a while even though i was quite upset that she didnt tell me she wanted to stop talking when she knew how paranoid/anxious i get easily.

    A week goes by, i hear nothing. I was browsing myspace randomly (feeling v. lonely and still missing her, sad as i just came back from visiting my sick relative) when i see she pictures of her out at a party. Usually i have no problem with her going out to these things but i just got upset thinking...if she could go out to these things despite having work then why couldnt she just spend 1 minute explaining to me whats happening or checking up on me? I was feeling worthless enough as it was at the time and that was just worse. I leave it again though for some reason. But then the next day, i get news that one of my relatives has died and some other bad stuff happens. So I became very upset, so I texted her telling her how upset i was and begged her to just talk to me, tried ringing her but she ignored that so i tried texting again. Then, finally, she replies and had a right go at me. She accused me of trying to blackmail her to get her to talk (i just thought i could trust her so wanted to talk to someone ) and said i was being very abusive towards her (i just said i was down, I never mean to hurt anyone ) brought up some arguments we had and ended it by text like that so i became very upset and confused.

    So we had no contact for 1.5 months and i was very sad for the whole month. Then she finally messaged me out of the blue one day and said sorry for what she did, that she didnt mean any of what she said, complimented me and i didn't tell her how much she upset me. she told me she did it because she spent too much time online talking to me when she needed to work and that she hated herself for it, and i didn't challenge her or anything, i said it was fine and said i understood. So we got back together again but she said that until her work doesnt end in the summer, itd be best for us not to talk as much every day (like maybe talk every 2 weeks or so) and i was fine with that at the time. i missed her, we talked maybe 2 or 3 times but that was it. Some other rubbish happened during that time to me, i tried texting her because i wanted to talk to someone but she just ignored me again...so i texted her again apologising for being selfish and messaging her (it had been a month or so since i last talked to her) but again, she ignored it. A few days later, i saw on her twitter that someone who once tried sexually assaulting her tweeted her. She replied, her reply was very brief and friendly but it upset me...if she could spend that little bit of time sending him out of all people a message but ignore me completely, i thought that i must be so worthless and a bad person (my self esteem was low enough as it is, and it decreased).

    Anyway, both of our work finished, so I sent her a message. It was her birthday party just a few days before that, and I noticed that she even invited the guy who once tried sexually assaulting her. But she ignored my message and i haven't heard from her since (this was almost a month ago now). I'm fine to assume/know that it's over between us but i'm still so angry about it sometimes. I can function properly from day to day now but there are times where I suddenly hit a low again and become very upset and the lows are happening almost everyday now.

    I feel so worthless for a start. If she could invite this person who tried sexually assaulting her to her party, even send him a small message, how come she can ignore me completely like this? She knows how anxious I get, I was once again worried that maybe something bad happened to her but then saw a few days later again that she was talking to others but just ignoring me. I keep hating myself sometimes because I think i must be a bad person if that's what happens.

    I'm also very lonely most of the time, i have very little other people to talk to but i've been trying to make an effort to go out more and more now, started volunteering again to talk to some of my friends there but i still have her at the back of my mind sometimes.

    I'm angry with her as to how she ended it too and am very insecure right now. As i said, she can talk to all these people who did horrible things to her, she knows how anxious i get but she just ended our 2ish year relationship by choosing to ignore me (and by text the first time, saying horrible things to me that still hurt). I haven't heard from her at all. It was a horrible way to end it...i was worried again for ages in case anything happened but then gradually accepted it. She lied to me, I feel very betrayed, i dont know why she's done it. Has she cheated on me? If so, with who? Am i a bad person? What did i do? All of these questions are always in my head when i think like this. The anger turns to sadness then when i think about how much of a loser i am at the moment...family troubles, exams went rubbishly as a result of everything and now this. I can't see her either as she lives ages from me.

    Sorry this has been so long and i don't even know why i'm writing this. I guess i'm just finding it a bit hard to deal with all these feelings right now, and i keep thinking i'm a bad person so any advice to deal with it would be great. Thanks for reading if you did though.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter

    Anyone have any thoughts on it all? been down about this all day today which is quite strange because usually i'm fine but i don't know why i'm so sad about it today.
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