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english girl. hindu boyfriend wont tell his mum about me. advice please Watch

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    Hi everyone,
    My boyfriend and I met in our last year of uni and i am a white english girl and athiest and he is a Bengali hindu (but non-practising). He's an overseas student so his family lives in Bangladesh, and he's been here for 5 years.
    We have so much in common and do everything together and have almost been together for a year.
    My problem is this:
    I know he really loves me and he tells me this all the time. However, his family is not very open minded so he wont even think about telling them about our relationship. It's possible that they will be trying to get him to do an arranged marriage at some point too, and they might even be looking for possible wives for him already.
    He said he may be able to choose his own wife, but only if she is 'bengali and hindu' aswell.
    I've asked him to at least try to tell his mum before (His dad passed away a few months ago) but he just flat out refuses and says he 'doesnt want to hurt her' because she will be expecting him to marry someone that she will choose.
    He is thinking about doing a PhD here so will be here for another 3/4 years. But i don't see how he can expect me to spend another 4 years of my life with him when it can't go anywhere, as he wont even attempt to tell his mum.
    I'm thinking of saying to him that if he doesnt at least try to tell her then i won't be staying with him for another 4 years. Is this being unreasonable??
    I really love him and want to get married to him (but i know how difficult this would be with his Hindu family)

    Advice needed please
    thanks
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    My boyfriend is Muslim and his parents don't know either so I can understand your frustration. What you have to look at is his intentions and unfortunately it doesn't look good. If he was planning to break away from his family's wishes and choose his own life, you two would have a chance. But he has already resigned himself to marrying a Bengali Hindu. His plans don't include you, and I hate to say it but he seems to be using you to have fun until he gets married. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

    You need to think about yourself. Don't waste 4 years of your life hoping for a man who told you upfront that he won't stay with you. You owe yourself more than that. If I were you, I would tell him that at unless we have a chance of a future together, then you cannot continue the relationship. I know it's hard but you must stick to that for yourself. You deserve a man who would choose you.

    I see the issue as not really him being reluctant to tell the parents, but him giving in to an arranged marriage. He's warned you, do heed that warning, he will not stay by your side.

    Reading back on your post, it's not completely clear that he has definitely said he will leave you then, what are his plans when he goes back? Did he say he'd want to stay with you (even without his mother knowing)? If that is so, do not worry too much about family not being told, it may be that he would wait for marriage with you before he lets them know. Going against culture is difficult for someone living in a religious home, he may need to handle it in a different way.
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    If you want a permanent relationship but he does not, that is an unbridgeable difference.

    I would suggest strongly you cut your loses and break up with him, if you don't do it now, you will have to do it when he marries someone else.
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    I think if he was serious about this relationship then he would atleast alert his mum that he is getting to know you. His family are probably conservative and cultural so they will not be happy about this and might arrange the marriage for your boyfriend. If I were you I would move on before you develop deep feelings for this guy and then get heartbroken. All the best though.
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    (Original post by Raspberrypear92)
    Hi everyone,
    My boyfriend and I met in our last year of uni and i am a white english girl and athiest and he is a Bengali hindu (but non-practising). He's an overseas student so his family lives in Bangladesh, and he's been here for 5 years.
    We have so much in common and do everything together and have almost been together for a year.
    My problem is this:
    I know he really loves me and he tells me this all the time. However, his family is not very open minded so he wont even think about telling them about our relationship. It's possible that they will be trying to get him to do an arranged marriage at some point too, and they might even be looking for possible wives for him already.
    He said he may be able to choose his own wife, but only if she is 'bengali and hindu' aswell.
    I've asked him to at least try to tell his mum before (His dad passed away a few months ago) but he just flat out refuses and says he 'doesnt want to hurt her' because she will be expecting him to marry someone that she will choose.
    He is thinking about doing a PhD here so will be here for another 3/4 years. But i don't see how he can expect me to spend another 4 years of my life with him when it can't go anywhere, as he wont even attempt to tell his mum.
    I'm thinking of saying to him that if he doesnt at least try to tell her then i won't be staying with him for another 4 years. Is this being unreasonable??
    I really love him and want to get married to him (but i know how difficult this would be with his Hindu family)

    Advice needed please
    thanks
    Doesn't look good I am afraid - it was bad enough when my husband told his catholic mother that I was not a catholic.

    These families are so tied up in religion. The fact that he won't tell her indicates exactly the way things are. You have a doomed relationship - move on
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    Considering he isn't actually trying to tell her, doesn't really play in your favour. Ask him if he is planning on marrying you or staying with you for his future. Depends on what he says "mum wants me to marry x,y,z" , you have your answer. By the sounds of things, you're wasting your time on some guy who really isn't going to change, and has no intention of changing. I wouldn't be surprised that after uni, he goes home and gets married and you won't hear from him again.
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    Thanks everyone for your input, I think I already knew that I had to end it but I just needed to make sure that it wasn't me that was being unreasonable. I think il give him one more chance to tell her and if he doesn't, that's his choice and I have to end it. After all, if he doesn't think it's worth fighting for then I guess he isn't worth my time.
 
 
 
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