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I don't feel attraction. WTF is wrong with me? Watch

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    OK heres the deal, I'm a 20yo male with no sexual/relationship history to speak of.

    I've always felt awkward about girlfriends and thought that it's something you'll do naturally when you get older.. but I still feel awkward.

    The fact is, in the last few years I have spoken to no girls that I have thought 'I quite like you'. I just don't seem to feel attraction... I have been like 'Oh she looks quite nice' but no one who I would make me face my awkwardness and man up.

    And for anyone who will question- I have male friends but I am not attracted to them, just like them as friends.

    I am not particularly attractive (read: not at all attractive)- I'm tall, skinny and have a big nose. I don't know if it's down to the lack of girls I've spoken to (lack of friends so don't really meet new people) or if there is just something wrong with me.

    Help?

    *Last time I remember being attracted to someone was in year 7.
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    I wasn't attracted to anyone until I was 19. I genuinely believe that if the right person comes along, you'll be attracted to them - it's not a big deal.
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    Sounds like a blessing if there are other things you care about.
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      I don't think there's anything wrong with you.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      OK heres the deal, I'm a 20yo male with no sexual/relationship history to speak of.

      I've always felt awkward about girlfriends and thought that it's something you'll do naturally when you get older.. but I still feel awkward.

      The fact is, in the last few years I have spoken to no girls that I have thought 'I quite like you'. I just don't seem to feel attraction... I have been like 'Oh she looks quite nice' but no one who I would make me face my awkwardness and man up.

      And for anyone who will question- I have male friends but I am not attracted to them, just like them as friends.

      I am not particularly attractive (read: not at all attractive)- I'm tall, skinny and have a big nose. I don't know if it's down to the lack of girls I've spoken to (lack of friends so don't really meet new people) or if there is just something wrong with me.

      Help?

      *Last time I remember being attracted to someone was in year 7.
      First off, you should have some confidence - speaking about yourself in a negative light won't be helping matters.
      If you're walking around thinking thoughts like that, you're bound to get into a bad state of mind.
      Honestly, I'm sure you look perfectly fine, so learn to love yourself

      Maybe try talking to some of your female friends more, or meet up with new people?
      You probably just need to talk to people more

      Put yourself into some more social situations and I'm sure you'll find someone you'd like to get to know :yep:

      There's nothing wrong with you :hugs:
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      There is nothing wrong with you. What you are going through is quite normal and I think it's healthy to recognise that. I should know!

      First I'd take your personal appearance out of any considerations. I've never been entirely satisfied with the way I look and, for a number of years, believed that this was an impediment to my finding a girlfriend. Then, I met a woman who found me attractive as I did her and the rest was history. That old saying "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" carries some truth. There will be people who consider you to be good looking.

      Now the above is sorted, I think it's best that we move onto why you don't find girls attractive. Reading your post, I thought "perhaps he could be asexual?" Of course, this is perfectly normal and healthy. It just means that you are not attracted to anyone, lack any distinct sexuality and are uninterested in sexual activity.This link explains the implications by far better than I can.

      However, I felt your latter paragraphs discounted this explanation somewhat. You say that you don't have many friends and suffer from overwhelming shyness. Perhaps this might be your problem. I have met people who have actively discouraged themselves from pursuing romantic relationships with people on account of social anxieties and so on- once, I was one of them myself. You think "she looks nice" but then come up with a million and one reasons as to why you shouldn't pursue 'her', furthermore, trying to trample down any notion that you are attracted. This, I think, might be one of your problems and I know how inhibiting it can be. It's difficult to overcome, but not impossible. Perhaps try speaking to someone and also rehearsing interactions and so on, it really does help.

      Continuing to focus on this issue, but considering another angle of it- your group of male friends. I hope I don't sound too rude, but am I right in assuming that your social group is quite closed and... male meaning that there is little chance for you to meet women? Another issue to consider, when you do speak to them, what 'sort' are they. If they are just people who surround you it is likely that they might not be your 'type'. Relationships are founded on shared interests, beliefs and passions- they are rather futile without these in my opinion. Perhaps this is the problem. If so, cliched as this advice might sound join groups for people with similar interests to you. Normally, immersing yourself in a new social setting allows you to meet new people and build relationships from scratch. Even if you don't meet your girlfriend here it will be likely to introduce you to new social opportunities which may, themselves prove fruitful.

      Hope this helps!
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      (Original post by Lyman)

      Continuing to focus on this issue, but considering another angle of it- your group of male friends. I hope I don't sound too rude, but am I right in assuming that your social group is quite closed and... male meaning that there is little chance for you to meet women? Another issue to consider, when you do speak to them, what 'sort' are they. If they are just people who surround you it is likely that they might not be your 'type'. Relationships are founded on shared interests, beliefs and passions- they are rather futile without these in my opinion. Perhaps this is the problem. If so, cliched as this advice might sound join groups for people with similar interests to you. Normally, immersing yourself in a new social setting allows you to meet new people and build relationships from scratch. Even if you don't meet your girlfriend here it will be likely to introduce you to new social opportunities which may, themselves prove fruitful.

      Hope this helps!
      Wow thanks. I only have about 3 friends who are work friends. So we have the same interests in terms of our job and some other interests. That's about it. We don't go out socially very much as no one has really wanted to. So my chances of meeting girls, or even friends are currently tiny. I thought about joining a club but I don't really know what I would find interesting. To be honest, I find the idea of coming home from work and going to a club a bit like going to school after the summer holidays. It just feels like a bit of a chore.

      But don't get me wrong, i'd love a good social life.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      Wow thanks. I only have about 3 friends who are work friends. So we have the same interests in terms of our job and some other interests. That's about it. We don't go out socially very much as no one has really wanted to. So my chances of meeting girls, or even friends are currently tiny. I thought about joining a club but I don't really know what I would find interesting. To be honest, I find the idea of coming home from work and going to a club a bit like going to school after the summer holidays. It just feels like a bit of a chore.

      But don't get me wrong, i'd love a good social life.
      I didn't mean clubs as in nightclubs. If anything I'd say that they were a very bad place to meet women. People are generally inebriated, the music is too loud result being you don't make the meaningful interactions that can later translate into solid foundations for a relationship. I was suggesting joining interest groups. For example I live in London and am an avid sailor- I regularly participate in Dinghy Sailing with the Greenwich Yacht Club (nowhere near as posh as it sounds). It gives me an environment in which I can take part in an activity with people who I share an interest with, then after we all go to the bar and have a few drinks. It isn't much, but it puts me into an environment where I can make new friends and meet people.
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      (Original post by Lyman)
      I didn't mean clubs as in nightclubs. If anything I'd say that they were a very bad place to meet women. People are generally inebriated, the music is too loud result being you don't make the meaningful interactions that can later translate into solid foundations for a relationship. I was suggesting joining interest groups. For example I live in London and am an avid sailor- I regularly participate in Dinghy Sailing with the Greenwich Yacht Club (nowhere near as posh as it sounds). It gives me an environment in which I can take part in an activity with people who I share an interest with, then after we all go to the bar and have a few drinks. It isn't much, but it puts me into an environment where I can make new friends and meet people.
      Apologies I was talking about social clubs too.

      When I was younger I joined a club and it was on a Monday night. I enjoyed it but it finished quite late so I always used to end up going to bed later than I normally would. I was terrible at getting to sleep when I was younger so I then always used to struggle to get to sleep (as I went to bed late so was worried I may be too tired in the morning). I guess that's just kinda given me that bad feeling about social clubs.

      There is one activity I'd love to do but it just costs so much as you need training before you can participate (which you have to pay for).

      I'm not a sporty person either so that limits my choices right down too I tried googling 'Clubs in [where I live]' but it came up with social gatherings for middle aged people... not my kinda club!!
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      Apologies I was talking about social clubs too.

      When I was younger I joined a club and it was on a Monday night. I enjoyed it but it finished quite late so I always used to end up going to bed later than I normally would. I was terrible at getting to sleep when I was younger so I then always used to struggle to get to sleep (as I went to bed late so was worried I may be too tired in the morning). I guess that's just kinda given me that bad feeling about social clubs.

      There is one activity I'd love to do but it just costs so much as you need training before you can participate (which you have to pay for).

      I'm not a sporty person either so that limits my choices right down too I tried googling 'Clubs in [where I live]' but it came up with social gatherings for middle aged people... not my kinda club!!
      I can see how you're stuck in a bit of a quagmire. When I was 15/16 I found myself in a similar position, it wasn't pleasant and I was desperate to escape it. For years, I sat there hoping that somehow I'd be offered an opportunity to resolve all of my problems out of the blue. Of course I wasn't and soon enough there came the encroaching realisation that if I wanted to improve my life, I'd have to take active steps myself. I did. It wasn't comfortable, it isn't even what I wanted to do. Sometimes it was downright awkward and embarrassing but slowly I gained confidence and made new friends. Now my life is much better.

      If you want your life improved you will have to do this too- and you're more than capable, even if you don't know it! I am happy to provide you with any further advice or what insight I have (you can always PM me or something). Life is seldom ideal, if you want something you have to go and get it
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      (Original post by Lyman)
      I can see how you're stuck in a bit of a quagmire. When I was 15/16 I found myself in a similar position, it wasn't pleasant and I was desperate to escape it. For years, I sat there hoping that somehow I'd be offered an opportunity to resolve all of my problems out of the blue. Of course I wasn't and soon enough there came the encroaching realisation that if I wanted to improve my life, I'd have to take active steps myself. I did. It wasn't comfortable, it isn't even what I wanted to do. Sometimes it was downright awkward and embarrassing but slowly I gained confidence and made new friends. Now my life is much better.

      If you want your life improved you will have to do this too- and you're more than capable, even if you don't know it! I am happy to provide you with any further advice or what insight I have (you can always PM me or something). Life is seldom ideal, if you want something you have to go and get it
      Thanks - what was your first step?

      I have found a sort of sport that I did a few times when I was younger and it was quite good. I was thinking about giving it a go again. The problem I have is how I tell my parents. My 'comfort zone' is sitting in my room doing nothing, and my parents know that. If I tell them I am going to join a club they'd probably laugh and be like 'What on earth?'. OK they wouldn't stop my but it's just the feeling- I prefer to do things without telling people until I become comfortable or I know I am enjoying it. If I joined the club then they'd kinda expect me to quit after a few weeks. I know it's not really a problem but it's just I don't really have support. (Sounds like i'm blaming them- which I kinda am haha)
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      Thanks - what was your first step?

      I have found a sort of sport that I did a few times when I was younger and it was quite good. I was thinking about giving it a go again. The problem I have is how I tell my parents. My 'comfort zone' is sitting in my room doing nothing, and my parents know that. If I tell them I am going to join a club they'd probably laugh and be like 'What on earth?'. OK they wouldn't stop my but it's just the feeling- I prefer to do things without telling people until I become comfortable or I know I am enjoying it. If I joined the club then they'd kinda expect me to quit after a few weeks. I know it's not really a problem but it's just I don't really have support. (Sounds like i'm blaming them- which I kinda am haha)
      (Original post by Anonymous)
      Thanks - what was your first step?

      I have found a sort of sport that I did a few times when I was younger and it was quite good. I was thinking about giving it a go again. The problem I have is how I tell my parents. My 'comfort zone' is sitting in my room doing nothing, and my parents know that. If I tell them I am going to join a club they'd probably laugh and be like 'What on earth?'. OK they wouldn't stop my but it's just the feeling- I prefer to do things without telling people until I become comfortable or I know I am enjoying it. If I joined the club then they'd kinda expect me to quit after a few weeks. I know it's not really a problem but it's just I don't really have support. (Sounds like i'm blaming them- which I kinda am haha)
      My first step? A girl I was kind of friends with held a birthday party and invited me. This wasn't exactly an 'out of the blue' occurrence- she had held birthday parties before, I had declined invitations by making up bad excuses. However, I was invited to the celebration that she was holding for her 17th at a time that I was desperately attempting to find ways in which I could emerge out of my shell. I accepted the invitation and despite all my fears and misgivings enjoyed myself quite a lot.

      Realising that people quite enjoyed my company I took initiative and invited people out and so on- nothing too big, but it allowed me to start creating a social life which got progressively better. Invites were reciprocated and as I spent more time speaking to people and socialising with them, I gained in confidence and self-esteem. Upon entering university I felt able to go out there, speak to people and make friends and this obviously puts you in a position where you'll meet people you can get into a relationship with. Confidence and adept social skills are key to everything. All this 'how to get a girlfriend' advice circumvents this central point imho. Meet people, become more confident, improve your social skills, meet girlfriend.

      You say you have a full time job, so I suppose your situation is a bit more tricky than mine. Schools and universities do provide an environment in which you can easily meet people. Perhaps you might try getting back in touch with old contacts from school or something- send them a message over Facebook, ask them if they want to meet up! I can't say for sure that you'll be successful but as they say... nothing ventured, nothing gained! If that fails, then perhaps try something like voluntary work or enrolling on an evening course. I actually volunteer for the Imperial war museum and have met lots of likeminded people, young people who I share lots in common with and a number of people I know have taken evening courses to similar effect!

      Sorry for my late response and I hope this advice is useful!
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      ^Just to clarify, that's me! Somehow I pressed the anonymous button
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      (Original post by Lyman)
      ^Just to clarify, that's me! Somehow I pressed the anonymous button
      Thanks. The problem is I don't think people enjoy my company to the point where they actively choose to talk to me. I am better now than I used to, but I still struggle to make conversation sometimes. I also tried to invite people out (mainly my friends at work) but they aren't really interested. One said there was a new restaurant that had opened and they hadn't been yet. So I suggested we all go after work one day but they just said 'Meh I don't think so' sort of thing.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      Thanks. The problem is I don't think people enjoy my company to the point where they actively choose to talk to me. I am better now than I used to, but I still struggle to make conversation sometimes. I also tried to invite people out (mainly my friends at work) but they aren't really interested. One said there was a new restaurant that had opened and they hadn't been yet. So I suggested we all go after work one day but they just said 'Meh I don't think so' sort of thing.
      These setbacks are obviously difficult, but I really wouldn't give up. Maybe one day someone will say yes and if they don't then at least you can sit there resolved that you make every effort possible and that your co-workers are anti-social and unpleasant.

      I think our back and forth over these past few days has established the core of the social problems that you experience, and with it a remedy- you need to expand your boundaries and meet new people. Admittedly it is a difficult process and I can thoroughly sympathise with you. Recently I have left university. I did make a few friends during my three years who I will always remain in contact with, but just two months after setting my pen down after my final exam I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep in contact with people- even some of my closer friends.

      Modern life is not easy. The technological advances of the past two decades may make it easier to keep in touch with people, but this does not bring us together. It is quite easy to feel isolated and alone. I am increasingly realising myself that I will need to expand my social network once again, and I hope that the job which I supposedly start in September will provide a way in which I can do this.

      For you (and potentially for me...) if work doesn't prove fruitful, move on. Don't be disheartened. Although you do have reservations about joining clubs or leisure activities I really would. They do provide you with a space in which you can meet new people and make friends. Although it's slightly hypocritical me saying this (I'm no toned column of muscle!) maybe start exercising regularly and take up a sport. I hear that this builds ones esteem and if you do start playing socially then you will meet people... and the story goes on as such.

      For it's worth, you don't sound like a half bad person! If you were my work colleague we'd go definitely go out for a drink
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      OP, start a martial art, or boxing. You'll have the fitness aspect which in itself releases good feeling chemicals. You'll learn how to fight (I suggest boxing, 99% of fights of fights ive been in or observed are over in minutes, usually results follow a strong punch or combo) which will instill huge confidence in itself and it will also serve as a social club. Who dosen't want to meet a badass warrior *****?
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      I doubt you're actually *talking* to many of these girls, or "the right kinds of girls" at least
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      Probably because the girls you hang out with aren't really your type. There are plenty of fish in the sea, just meet as many girls as you possibly and then, as long as you're not gay, you'll probably just click with one of them. Then you can take it to the next level. Best of luck.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      These setbacks are obviously difficult, but I really wouldn't give up. Maybe one day someone will say yes and if they don't then at least you can sit there resolved that you make every effort possible and that your co-workers are anti-social and unpleasant.

      I think our back and forth over these past few days has established the core of the social problems that you experience, and with it a remedy- you need to expand your boundaries and meet new people. Admittedly it is a difficult process and I can thoroughly sympathise with you. Recently I have left university. I did make a few friends during my three years who I will always remain in contact with, but just two months after setting my pen down after my final exam I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep in contact with people- even some of my closer friends.

      Modern life is not easy. The technological advances of the past two decades may make it easier to keep in touch with people, but this does not bring us together. It is quite easy to feel isolated and alone. I am increasingly realising myself that I will need to expand my social network once again, and I hope that the job which I supposedly start in September will provide a way in which I can do this.

      For you (and potentially for me...) if work doesn't prove fruitful, move on. Don't be disheartened. Although you do have reservations about joining clubs or leisure activities I really would. They do provide you with a space in which you can meet new people and make friends. Although it's slightly hypocritical me saying this (I'm no toned column of muscle!) maybe start exercising regularly and take up a sport. I hear that this builds ones esteem and if you do start playing socially then you will meet people... and the story goes on as such.

      For it's worth, you don't sound like a half bad person! If you were my work colleague we'd go definitely go out for a drink
      Thanks- I appreciate it. I've asked this type of question on here a few times but no one has really replied who understand it like you! I have sent a message to a club to find out about it. When you start you have to do a short induction which requires two to four people. I asked if you have to take someone else along or if they can put groups together. I thought it may provide a good opportunity. Still the big hurdle of actually doing it though.

      Thanks again for sharing your experiences- good to talk to someone who understands!
     
     
     
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