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How would you react if your gf/bf confessed to being sexually abused as a child? Watch

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    If say someone was afraid of having sex because of the abuse and it was becoming an issue in their relationship and if she/he were to tell you the reason for being afraid is the abuse how'd you react?

    Would you think I'm making up excuses? Would you think it was selfish of me to burden you with such a problem? Would you pity he/she?and feel obliged to stay with him/her because of this? Is it selfish to be in a relationship even though you knew all along that you could not fulfill an important part of the relationship? Even if you thought and hoped that you might be able to overcome your fears?
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    :facepalm:. Having read the original post back, I realise that I've written it a bit awkwardly. Interchanging me and he/she and all that. I've tried to present a personal problem as a general one and failed....Bleh
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    Hey OP you can PM me about this if you want.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      If say someone was afraid of having sex because of the abuse and it was becoming an issue in their relationship and if she/he were to tell you the reason for being afraid is the abuse how'd you react?

      Would you think I'm making up excuses? Would you think it was selfish of me to burden you with such a problem? Would you pity he/she?and feel obliged to stay with him/her because of this? Is it selfish to be in a relationship even though you knew all along that you could not fulfill an important part of the relationship? Even if you thought and hoped that you might be able to overcome your fears?
      It wouldn't bother me at all, and I certainly wouldn't attribute any "blame" to her.

      I don't think it's selfish for you to be in a relationship just because you don't feel ready for the idea of having sex. Everyone has their own "personal stuff" to deal with when they come to a relationship - it just happens that yours is a little more serious than most. I can honestly say that I'd care about you as my girlfriend and want you to feel comfortable around me - even if that meant us not having sex. That's not the same as making a sacrifice since I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone who didn't feel ready for it - anyone who makes you feel otherwise is out of order.

      It's difficult, but I think you have to try not to let sex become a "big thing" in your relationship. Personally, I wouldn't feel obliged to stay with a girlfriend on the basis of her past if we were fundamentally incompatible, but nor would I pity her (since that sounds a little patronising). I'd want to help her in any way I could, and ultimately I think that letting her set the boundaries/limits for sexual contact - both of us knowing that it'd happen when we're ready - would be a good way to do that.
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      (Original post by SophieSmall)
      Hey OP you can PM me about this if you want.
      I might take you up on that offer a bit later....
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      If say someone was afraid of having sex because of the abuse and it was becoming an issue in their relationship and if she/he were to tell you the reason for being afraid is the abuse how'd you react?

      Would you think I'm making up excuses? Would you think it was selfish of me to burden you with such a problem? Would you pity he/she?and feel obliged to stay with him/her because of this? Is it selfish to be in a relationship even though you knew all along that you could not fulfill an important part of the relationship? Even if you thought and hoped that you might be able to overcome your fears?
      I would respect their wishes to not have sex and do what Ste from Hollyoaks did- go to passionately kiss my partner in bed but then seize a games console remote and say "You're so going to die on this!" and play video games with them lol.

      Nah in all seriousness, I would respect their wishes to not have sex and wait until they're ready (and the same goes for disclosing info to me too)- I would neither encourage nor discourage them to tell me and I certainly wouldn't force them to report anything if they didn't want to- or force them to do anything for that matter. I wouldn't feel obliged to pity them (that would come naturally but if they didn't want to be pitied then I wouldn't show it) and I wouldn't feel obliged to stay with them- I leave people for ****ing with me, not their past. I would let them know that it wasn't their fault and that they are still beautiful and wonderful in every way and that I wouldn't leave them for their past incidents or stay with them for pity and that I would want things to just carry on as normal unless they wanted to take it further which is their choice. And I would support them every step of the way and still love them.

      I guess the question for me is how would my future partner(s) react to me being sexually assaulted as a kid (and also being transsexual but that's an entirely different point lol). So I guess I know how to accept and deal with partners who have been through it, but I just don't know how partners would deal with me going through it. I guess I will just have to wait and see and hope they react the same as how I would. If not, oh well, their loss, not mine.

      Call me crazy but that's defo what I would do. I want them to be feel (and be) safe, secure, strong, self-appreciative, loved and optimistic.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      I might take you up on that offer a bit later....
      Okey dokey I'm pretty much always here
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      (Original post by Blackacre)
      It wouldn't bother me at all, and I certainly wouldn't attribute any "blame" to her.

      I don't think it's selfish for you to be in a relationship just because you don't feel ready for the idea of having sex. Everyone has their own "personal stuff" to deal with when they come to a relationship - it just happens that yours is a little more serious than most. I can honestly say that I'd care about you as my girlfriend and want you to feel comfortable around me - even if that meant us not having sex. That's not the same as making a sacrifice since I wouldn't want to have sex with anyone who didn't feel ready for it - anyone who makes you feel otherwise is out of order.

      It's difficult, but I think you have to try not to let sex become a "big thing" in your relationship. Personally, I wouldn't feel obliged to stay with a girlfriend on the basis of her past if we were fundamentally incompatible, but nor would I pity her (since that sounds a little patronising). I'd want to help her in any way I could, and ultimately I think that letting her set the boundaries/limits for sexual contact - both of us knowing that it'd happen when we're ready - would be a good way to do that.
      This response makes me feel hopeful (at least that's what I think I'm feeling ). Thank you.
      I think that the general concession(especially among st teenagers/people in early 20s) that sex is a very very crucial part of any relationship just makes me feel somewhat inadequate and undeserving of love because I can't reciprocate properly. Your thoughtful response makes me think that maybe I'm giving too much importance to that one aspect of a relationship.
      Would like to see more responses though.
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      I would definitely feel protective of them. And I'd be cool with waiting for sex until they were ready.
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      I'd feel sorry for, and maybe a little put off you in all honesty.

      Not that I see it as an affliction or anything, just don't think I'd have ability to help you through the healing process.
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      If I didn't have any problems of my own at the time, I'd feel no different to how I felt before - I presume they'd have told me there was a reason why they didn't want to have sex, since we wouldn't have had it!, so no different on that front. It wouldn't even cross my mind to hold myself to a higher standard for their sake just because they were abused - if I'm leaving the relationship, I'm leaving the relationship, their history would have nothing to do with it!
      But if they told me on the day of an important exam, or when I was dealing with a relative's death, or something equally taxing, and they knew about that, then yeah I'd be annoyed because it's something that would upset me and I'd want to be able to give them the attention and support they needed after the revelation without having to deal with other things as well!
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      (Original post by Rainbow Student)
      I would respect their wishes to not have sex and do what Ste from Hollyoaks did- go to passionately kiss my partner in bed but then seize a games console remote and say "You're so going to die on this!" and play video games with them lol.

      Nah in all seriousness, I would respect their wishes to not have sex and wait until they're ready (and the same goes for disclosing info to me too)- I would neither encourage nor discourage them to tell me and I certainly wouldn't force them to report anything if they didn't want to- or force them to do anything for that matter. I wouldn't feel obliged to pity them (that would come naturally but if they didn't want to be pitied then I wouldn't show it) and I wouldn't feel obliged to stay with them- I leave people for ****ing with me, not their past. I would let them know that it wasn't their fault and that they are still beautiful and wonderful in every way and that I wouldn't leave them for their past incidents or stay with them for pity and that I would want things to just carry on as normal unless they wanted to take it further which is their choice. And I would support them every step of the way and still love them.

      I guess the question for me is how would my future partner(s) react to me being sexually assaulted as a kid (and also being transsexual but that's an entirely different point lol). So I guess I know how to accept and deal with partners who have been through it, but I just don't know how partners would deal with me going through it. I guess I will just have to wait and see and hope they react the same as how I would. If not, oh well, their loss, not mine.

      Call me crazy but that's defo what I would do. I want them to be feel (and be) safe, secure, strong, self-appreciative, loved and optimistic.
      I'm somewhat confused by this part.. Were you also abused as a child?

      Thank you for the kind words.. Given me some things to think about.
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      take a bat to the person who was responsible
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      (Original post by Yawn11)
      I'd feel sorry for, and maybe a little put off you in all honesty.

      Not that I see it as an affliction or anything, just don't think I'd have ability to help you through the healing process.
      That's fair. but what if you really liked the person? And he/she was 'almost there'?
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      take a bat to the person who was responsible
      That was my ex's response, while I understood the urge it really does not help the person who has been abused/molested. It just brings up upset.
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      (Original post by Katie_p)
      If I didn't have any problems of my own at the time, I'd feel no different to how I felt before - I presume they'd have told me there was a reason why they didn't want to have sex, since we wouldn't have had it!, so no different on that front. It wouldn't even cross my mind to hold myself to a higher standard for their sake just because they were abused - if I'm leaving the relationship, I'm leaving the relationship, their history would have nothing to do with it!But if they told me on the day of an important exam, or when I was dealing with a relative's death, or something equally taxing, and they knew about that, then yeah I'd be annoyed because it's something that would upset me and I'd want to be able to give them the attention and support they needed after the revelation without having to deal with other things as well!
      What I actually meant by whether someone might feel obliged to stay with me is 'would you want to immediately leave me because of the no sex business and maybe just think twice about it because you don't want to hurt me or something'. Guess I didn't do a very good job of getting that across..Obviously I wouldn't just randomly say this at a weird time
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      What I actually meant by whether someone might feel obliged to stay with me is 'would you want to immediately leave me because of the no sex business and maybe just think twice about it because you don't want to hurt me or something'. Guess I didn't do a very good job of getting that across..Obviously I wouldn't just randomly say this at a weird time
      Ahh that makes a little more sense! I wouldn't immediately leave, I assume you'd take longer to feel comfortable telling me than you would to say "no sex for a while", and I'd have made the decision at that point to stay or not. Of course, there might be issues later one because of the abuse that meant I left, but I would give you a chance, and try to work through any issues that arose, rather than leaving straight away.
      But to be honest, I probably wouldn't be waiting that long for someone to have sex to get to the point where you opened up that much. I'd be willing to wait, but I'd ask early on how long you expected that wait to be, and if the abuse meant your answer was more than about 4-6months, I'd have left it then anyway, if that makes sense.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      That's fair. but what if you really liked the person? And he/she was 'almost there'?
      It's difficult to say when I'm not in the situation.

      But I can imagine I'd feel differently if I was deeply involved.
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      My husband threatened to beat the crap out of those people.

      Posted from TSR Mobile
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      I'm somewhat confused by this part.. Were you also abused as a child? I was sexually assaulted between the ages of 7-10 but my memory of the exact age is unknown. I was definitely younger than 10, I know that much. I wasn't raped but I was made to play with the private parts of one of my brother's old friends coz he was a sick ******* who probably couldn't be arsed to jerk himself off so had to get a clueless and obedient kid to do it for him. Ugh, horrible. Sorry, I know that's detailed but it happened years ago so I've pretty much come around it. It's just a bit embarrassing, that's all, but I live on. My brother didn't know of course but he does now, and so does my mum, so I dunno, meh. I'm trans too so that was the other point I mentioned before.

      Thank you for the kind words.. Given me some things to think about.
      You're welcome, anytime. If this certain person is you then I'm really sorry and I hope you're OK and in the the healing process, if not beyond that already. :hugs: You are just as good as anyone else.

      Glad my comment was useful/thought-provoking/appreciated.
     
     
     
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